He conffessed I guess he could no longer live with lying to me. He wanted our marriage to work and he could only do that if things were out in the open. He was overseas working for a month when affair happened. He thought he was in love with OW but in knew he could not leave his kids. We plan A'd and things have worked for us we are both really in love with each other again in someways the A was a blessing as it made us do something about our marriage and bring it back to where it should have always been

I had a "feeling" and in "my investigation" of his "affairs" (ya know, wallet, briefcase, closet, dresser drawers, old file cabinet, e-mail!!!)

I found I "sent" letter. He actually sent it to himself. I read it and oh boy the shock. It was obviously and "I'm hurting to give you up" letter. But, I called him and he did not deny it (well, he couldn't because I re-read what I could). We talked for like 1 1/2 hours (he was at work) and he came home and we talked all night.

I'm still dealing with it, b/c as a woman .... he hadn't had a PA (yet) ....but the EA just killed me (my H is more mental, emotional, and spiritual than physical and he was giving all that to someone esle).

Oh well, that's the way it was on 07/14/2004. (and oh goodie it will be 3 months on my B-day 10/14/2004 - I wonder how that'll go!!!)

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 09:59 AM: Message edited by: brown ]</small>

<small>[ September 06, 2004, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>

It was a D-year...not a D-day. I,too, didn't think that he would ever have an affair. He was a recovering alcoholic/addict, with 6 years clean and sober. I had finally gotten use to him being honest and up front about things, as a part of him working his recovery program. Felt I could trust him. He did say that he was starting to feel empty inside, but felt it was a spiritual thing, not our marriage. He chose to work it out by himself. Out of the blue, a few days after our 2nd anniversary (we had be together for 8 years)he told me that he had rented a place and was moving out, that he thought that we never really loved each other, but needed each other when we first met. There had been calls from a female from his recovery program. But I just always handed the phone over to him, figuring it was none of my business, being an anonymous program. I finally said something about the frequency..and he explained it by saying that her fiance had relapsed and she needed help to deal with him. I suggested she go to Al-Anon like the rest of us partners of addicts...and that he stop rescuing and enabling her.
-Husband moved out into rental house...but we had agreed to go to marital counseling. When I asked if a woman was moving in with him...he said probably, but not because of an affair...he was just trying to help her out because she was so young and had had such a rough time in life. Husband asked to move back in within one month. Still going to marital counseling. He moved back in. Then piece by piece it all caved in:
-WS started working a second job at night to "help bring more money in" (was a painter so he didn't work in any one location to check up on him, no cell phone). Gone 5 nights per week.
-no money ever coming in from second job "they're not paying me until it's all done."
-started bringing home less money from reg. job, and "oh i didn't get a pay stub this week." so I had no way to verify his income.
-I couldn't figure out how he could come home and sleep for 1-2 hours, get back up and go to work, after working so many hours a day. (probably slept at OWs)
-wouldn't come to bed with me, even when I asked "I'm not tired, I want to stay up for awhile".
-made calls to someone on our vacation saying it was his partner at work
-still going to marital counseling. Therapist encouraging me to be more trusting of him.(Later found out that it was within this time frame that the sexual part of their affair began!)
-came home late on Christmas Eve..."trying to get your present, but it wasn't in." Never did get that gift!
-man calling, out of the blue, said he had bought contents of a storage unit at auction, said there were messages to a ______ (my husband's first name)among the owner's possessions. He thought the owner might want some of the stuff...(Bible...Recovery books). I asked the owner's name...it was the OW
-found out I had an STD during an annual exam..(never had before..thank goodness it was easily treatable)
-On a hunch, I called an old cell phone number...of the phone WS had when he had moved out...but the phone had "disappeared" when he moved back in... OW answered.
-Got a new co-worker, who was in Recovery..he knew of my struggles. Finally came to me one day and said "BS, I thing you have the right to know the truth. I know now who your husband is...He presents himself as divorced at the meetings. He does hang out with a very young looking woman, all the time. They're seen as a couple.". I said "And I suppose she's slender, with long hair, and a nice figure?" He said she used to be slender, but wasn't now. I was confused about that comment. He told me she was visibly pregnant.
-OW 21 yrs. old..my WS 47yrs.old

I always thought I'd know when someone was lying, but he could look me straight in the eye and appear totally innocent. Guess it was from all those years of practicing lying when he was an active addict.

Sad thing...he wrecked a relationship with his kids, that he had spent so much time rebuilding after his addiction. When his 20 yr old son found out about the affair he said,
"Dad, I'll always love you, but I have lost all respect for you." His 16 yr old daughter said "BS, the OW will never be even half the woman you are. I don't know what my dad could have been thinking!" Out of the mouths of "babes"!

<small>[ September 06, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>

My WH (STBX) wasn't very secretive after the very beginning. He started being gone later than normal (home at midnight instead of mid-evening). Riding his cycle almost every night. Telling me he had to "get right with the wind".

I should have picked up on his distant behavior, but I didn't. Then he started mentioning this woman he'd met...roommate of coworker's girlfriend. He admitted taking her on a couple rides and that they had a lot in common.

That was my clue. He talked more and more about her. And then we went to Florida to Disney World for my birthday....and when we were down there the E/A came out.

He said something like, "I find it intriguing that a 25-yr-old is interested in me, and I want to find out why. I'm being honest with you. I'm telling you as my friend, not as my wife."

Whatever!!!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He started back drinking after two dry years once we returned from vacation.

Two weeks later, despite my pleading with him to break contact with her for the sake of our M, because I knew where it was going to lead, it became a P/A.

That was obvious, too. No calls all evening...no idea where he was...he wouldn't tell me where she lived and wouldn't answer his cell. And he arrived home at 3am...head hanging low...and walked straight to the shower.

Once it crossed that line, there was no stopping him. He started taking her to meet family and friends. He's been very open with the whole deal.

The rest is history. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LL

My answer is similar to Iamshellshocked's answer.

My husband said he needed to talk to me one evening. It was a Thursday at 8:30 pm. I thought it must be something to do with our boys. But instead he said that he had an affair, but that it was over and he couldn't live with the guilt of not telling me any longer.

I still can't believe it. I had NO idea! OW was a friend of his he had known for 20 years. He knew her before he even met me; and she had always made a point he said to flirt with him.

We hit a rough point in our marriage and he called her up. Question is how long was the ea before the PA? Really won't know and it doesn't matter any longer.

Recovery is going great; even though she still tries to contact him every 5-8 months. She leaves messages for him saying she misses him, but hopes me and my children are doing OK. Give me a break!!

Our marriage is better than ever; but since I was so blindsided before thinking our marriage was OK; I get anxious still on occasion!

OW had a friend call our home one evening and ask for H.
I asked to take a message, there was none.

A few minutes later, OW calls and asks for H.
I ask if I can take a message and she says,
"This is _____" with great emphasis on her name like I am suppose to know who she is. (Funny thing is - she had called during our first MONTH of marriage too, 14 years prior to this)

Then she said to tell my H that "he can't have his cake and eat it too".

At this point my wife-radar was up, but I still wasn't sure what she was talking about,
so I responded with -
"H is really more of a pie-man, never really cared for cake anyways".
And hung up.

OW called again - saying, "If you don't believe me, ask my mom or the black real estate agent". (A friend of my H's)

I said, "Look - I don't know you - OR YOUR MOM, SO STOP CALLING MY HOUSE!"
and hung up again.

OW was obviously drunk.

She called one last time... I didn't answer.
She talked into our answering machine, laughing drunkily and making crazy remarks.

My then 10-yr old son heard it all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I then went downstairs to where my H had been sleeping in his recliner and confronted him.

He confirmed it... and part of me died.
He had apparently ended it with her that day.

We are still struggling now - over 2 years past d-day. I really don't know if we are going to be able to get past this.


Shelle

It was a long process. First he would come home from work and tell me about this poor pitiful woman, boo hoo. I told him I did not like the relationship and he needed to stay away from her. I could tell it was crossing the line.

He promised he would, he lied. Well about 6 months go by and he takes the kids to an air show close to his work. He met his OW there, and then went to her house to "change the babys diaper." My kids told me all about it. Well I got pissed and he claimed it was "nothing" and I was making too much of things. It was totally innocent, of course I always make too much of things.

While later I cornered him and he claimed it was just a friendship that got too close. He promised to not talk to her no more, more lies. A few weeks later his pager kept going off over and over one night. He was making any excuse to go to the store (actually to call his OW) but I get the pager and sneak off to the bedroom to call the voice mail.

He had changed the password to the voice mail (like thats going to stop me) and I broke into it and got the message about how much the OW liked the sex and blah blah. It was like someone hit me with a bat. I will never forget how that felt. It still hurts in my chest over 2 yrs after the A ended to even think about it.

Hopes

8 months of "I'm not happy, it's not you..."

2 separations. "I'd never be unfaithful to you, I'd never do that to you, how could you think something so terrible of me."

EA/PA with a co-worker. He confessed.

We had 5 more separations over the next 16 months before we reconciled.

And recovered <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

But, after the initial confession, he never admitted talking to her or having contact. The denial was very thick and believable, even with separations.

When action and words conflict, believe the action (disappearance over-rides peculiar alibi, never believe any story about taking care of a drunk friend--it's the OP, drunk or not--or taking a long drive to "think".)

First off, jmh and RAG...you have confirmed to me that an A is indeed an addiction. To be hurtful (which is an understatement) and to use your children for coverup is, in WAT's words, just simple "pond scum." (I say this confirmation, as I am also a recovering gambler who also used my children to "cover up" any trace.) I hope and pray your children (especially yours RAG) can somehow work through what is probably an unsurmountable amount of pain and confusion their parent has caused.

I find two things amazing on this thread (but really shouldn't be): the amount of email discoveries and alot of DI (Divine Intervention.) Adding to brown's post, I was the WH, looking for answers, trying to do some serious soul-searching. Couldn't understand how the heck I got myself into that position and turning everywhere for answers. (Hence, me finding MB!) After my first post which was full of babble-$hit, and getting whacked by a few 2x4's (again, thanks to ark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), I turned to who I should have been asking for guidance all along. So, I prayed that night. The very next day, brown found that one email that I just never deleted, or did I? Hmmm....

I set up an autoforward rule in our family email to my personal email because i was suspicious. while I was away I received an email from her lover that was forwarded to me that detailed their attempts to set up a private email account. My WW had signed the original email to the OM "Lick Me, M"

I had an idea my wife was beause she was buying new clothes and under wear and she stayed out all night with some friends. I found out because I checked her cell phone and saw some curious numbers- called the number and asked the guy his name- then went by his house and called my dispatch office- I work for the cable company- made up an excuse for the customers number after I gave them the address and it matched the number on her cell phone--turned out it is a friend of mine and I even installed cable in his house and he had been to mine of course and then my wife admitted to it

Well, almost 2 years ago, I noticed WH was pulling away from me and the family. I asked him about it and he said not to worry, everything will get better, he promised.

So I believed him. Little did I know that he was already sleeping with OW.

He was gone all of the time. One Friday night he was gone all night. I noticed that my neighbor was gone all night too. He finally came home Saturday around noon. Told me he went camping to "sort things out". I noticed that there were 2 sleeping bags in his truck.

So I threw him out (not having found MB yet). To this day, he denies that OW had anything to do with the demise of our marriage.

But I have moved on and don't want or respect him anymore. I think I'm in a pretty good place, no anger, no feelings, no hatred, nothing.

He told me

I'll never forget D-Day. I had NO idea that my husband of 32 years was in an emotional, financial, physical affair with a bar whore, and had been "an item" with this woman for over 3 years. Three F*****G years! He came home drunk one Saturday afternoon after being "at work" that Saturday. It seemed like he had to work every weekend and every night until at least 7:30, sometimes until very very late (like 1 or 2 in the morning). But, trusting soul that I was, I NEVER doubted his word and felt sorry for him working SO HARD.

I was FURIOUS that he was drunk this Saturday afternoon (11/15/03) so I went out to the garage to make sure I had his keys. To my great surprise, there was his briefcase sitting open on the workbench. Now this briefcase was always off limits to me, locked and safely stowed in his locked car. But there it sat wide open, with a datebook/calendar/DIARY. This datebook had HER initials on almost every day for the entire year. Places they went, phone numbers, times she called, and STARS OF ENJOYMENT. I felt like someone had knocked me broadside with a baseball bat. When I took his datebook to him in the bedroom where he was literally passed out on the bed, he denied it at first, but then said, "she's just a friend, just a drinking buddy." Yeah, right.

Well, over the next several MONTHS, I have learned all the gory details. And he STILL has this tender little spot in his heart for her, that she needed his "help" (to the tune of almost $20,000), that she "busted her [censored]" at work (because she would show up at the bar all hot and sweaty--I told him that just meant she didn't have a/c in her car!), and he feels he should "make amends" to her because he lied to her. Well, yeah, he DIDN'T tell her he was married, he didn't tell her he was STEALING money from his family to give to her, he told her he had a different last name, he told her he had a condo in Florida (he doesn't), and that he lived by the Gulf of Mexico (he doesn't). But he lied to all the other alcoholics yet they're not on his list to make amends to. My question to him is WHY NOT? If my H feels he should "make amends" to EVERYBODY he lied to, why not EVERYBODY? Why in the h*** just her?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It's been 10 months since D-Day now. My H is in AA (thank God!) and I'm in Al-Anon. There are some days I feel hopeful and loving and loved <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but there are other days when I'm not sure we're going to make it.

Something kept telling me to check the cell phone bills. One day I was driving his vehicle and I had a sudden urge to check the call logs in his cell phone, but I saw nothing unusual. Very unusual as I am not particularly nosy or suspicious. Then I was reading the book "The Nanny Diaries" of all things, and there was a part in there about cell phone bills logging all incoming/outgoing calls. Suddenly it hit me that I had not seen a cell phone bill in a very long time and I was desparate to find them. Looked everywhere in the house and then tried online. On a hunch I used my Hs work zip code to access the online statements and discovered that he redirected the billing address to work. I checked six months worth of statements and noticed that he frequently called a female co-worker and he frequently checked his work voicemail after hours and on weekends.

Like an idiot I confronted him right away and he denied everything and continued to deny it for six months. He only admitted to it after I found a secret email account and a couple of "love" letters that ripped out my heart. Then he told me the truth. By then the affair appeared to be over and we have been working on recovery since.

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: SpouseGuess ]</small>

Great thread, makes you realise how similar these stories are.

My H left home after being on a conference OS without me telling me I didn't love him anymore and denied OW.(How blind we are when we do not want to see.) I believed him and when family suggested OW I yelled at them that they didn't know my H he would never do that to me. I was still sure he loved me and was just confused,
One day he comes to pick up the kids and I asked him who he went out with last night. When he mentioned two females and one male. I asked which one was his love interest. He answered and then started the blame cycle. He said "Be careful what you ask" my response "Be careful what you do".

That evening he asked to come back home and I made my first mistake and said yes before he had committed to NC, His concept of NC was no PA but thought he could continue EA. It took me another 6 months to find MB and am still struggling to reach real recovery. But I haven't given up yet.
S

The OW H showed up on my doorstep and handed me an envelope with every email my H and his W had exchanged (a very thick envelope!). I was in such shock I slamed the door in his face.

Well, DDay 1 was a complete surprise. Wife was on executive assignment in Brussels. DS and I joined her after three months, when school ended for the summer. I needed to check into work every once in a while and wife let me use her laptop. One day the system said her email was overloaded so I tried moving some old email into a personal file. Saw a ton of letters between her and OMM. I read about half of them before I couldn’t take it any more. I held it all in for a couple of days (shock, I suppose) but she soon figured out what was bothering me. Small apartment, lots of drama. It was "all my fault because I snooped." DS and I came back to US after a month of agony.

Wife later promised on her love for me and DS to never see or communicate with OMM again. Even said it in front of MC. She maintained it was only an EA anyway. I did not really believe her but I eventually let it go based on her sincere sounding remorse. She also gave me a six-month deadline to get over it or she would leave. (Red flag!)

DDay 2, same story. Almost five years later I noticed her laptop still on one night. I asked her if she wanted me to turn it off. She said yes but when I tried an error message came up saying something about a failed program. I clicked the message window out of the way and there was an open email from him responding to one from her. It was like being jerked back in time. Nothing had changed. It took two months of questioning, denial, lies and IC for me before she admitted it was a full-blown affair.

It was another four months, and a confrontation with OMM (two confrontations, actually - he called me angry I talked to his W) before I started getting the whole truth. It had been a PA from the beginning - ten years! Half our marriage!

Note to WS’s: dribbling out the truth and minimizing cover lies delay recovery substantially. Nothing hurts more, not even the sleazy facts, than being lied to long after initial discovery.

T

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>