I was wondering if anyone has ever contact the OP's parents to let them know what was going on. I recently got info about the OW's father and I am not sure if I should contact him. I know if I do my husband will leave me for sure. He keeps saying he didn't realize I was so spiteful. Hmmmmmmmm and what him and OW is doing is nothing??

What did you say??? What was the reaction??? Did it help end the affair or slow it down??? I don't want to call him out of spite. I really just want her father to know what is going on and maybe hoping he talks to his daughter about it. Not sure how much good it will do but who knows.

I called the OW parents and have been glad I did it. My WH resents the fact that I did, but that is something he has to deal with. After he found out he ranted and raved that it was over between us and he didn't want to try. He accused me of acting crazy and not being able to control myself and bringing people into this that didn't belong there.

He also thought it rude that now he would have an uphill battle with her parents if they did end up together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm glad I did it. He's 30 with 9 & 7 year old D's and an 8 mo old son. She's 22...oh 23 this month <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .... and I thought her family had a right to counsel their daughter. I would want to know if my D. was involved with a MM not matter what the circumstances. I'm not sure what the exact response was. I get the feeling it was a lot worse than he originally let on though and they are a close family.

No matter what though, I felt the family needed to know. You have to decide what's best in your case.

Thanks FIM for your input. The OW in my case is 20 years old, single and a college student. She also lives about 10 hours away. I don't know if she has told her family about my husband if she did I am sure she left out the part that he is married and has 2 kids and one on the way.

I sit down from time to time and write letters to her. And also to her dad. I will never send them but it gets things off my chest. I think if my husband does leave me then I will probably contact her dad and let him know and what he does with the info is his business.

Can I ask why you don't tell him now?

I'll tell you, if someone told me, and I believe even my WH would react this way, that our d was having an A with a married man I would be on her doorstep in a heartbeat.

Never underestimate the power of a parent... especially a girls daddy. He may be able to talk some sense into his little college girlie. In any case, it would put a crimp in any plans to introduce them to each other.

I guess I am afraid. My husband is in a stage right now that he is looking at every little thing that happens and mentions divorce. I think if I call her dad that will be all it takes for him to finally walk out the door. And if I know my husband like I think I do. If he walks out the door no matter if he regrets it or not he will not come back.

Plus I really have to think about what to say to the man... I don't want to break down on the phone. I do believe he has the right to know though.

Can you have someone else contact her father for you? He doesn't have to know it is you that is the one exposing the A.

i contacted OP's parents but my situation was a little different. OP was 15 in my case. I'm really happy I did it, mainly because it was weighing on me knowing the legality of it all. H still doesn't know I told them. They made the girl promise not to tell him or they would keep her from attending his classes. To me that's pretty backwards but oh well, as long as they know and are keeping an eye out for it now my job has been done. Not to mention the P aspect of the A is over and as far as I know they can't talk other than at class anymore. Of course, my M is coming to an end but that has more to do with other things outside the A and in a way I'm greatful it's all over.

SML.....I contacted OM's mother (he's 24 and lives with her). I found out that they had told her I was a Marriage Counselor and that I was okay with it and knew how to handle it. The truth was told. OM's mother said she knew about the affair and didn't like it. A good conversation took place and ended with "we're friends in this".

The reaction from WW was swift. Within two hours....anger and questions like "why did you tell his mother, he's a grown man" and "I thought you said we'd keep this to ourselves".

I waited a week and called her again. Another great conversation which actually started the downfall of the A. OM called it off. I again experienced exactly what was expected. WW's anger, withdrawal, etc.

Now I'm still in the middle of this. It appears WW has maintained contact and is actually pursuing OM. I know it can't last but I also believe WW's deep in EA and OM's looking for PA albeit OM "called it off".

Bottom line, I'm glad I exposed to OM's mother. She's an affair survivor and understood where I'm at and helped start the downfall of this......LS

WOW!! This has been at the front of my mind for the last week. Great thread SML!

Lostsailor and Faithinme could one of you or both contact me and tell me more about how you handled this one. shmaley@sbcglobal.net Or maybe just post some of your letter if you sent one. I have done a BG check on the OM and have come up with the people that I believe to be his parents. It appears that they do not live together so they are probably D. However, I have been wondering what the impact of exposure will be on the A. In my case, the OM is 27 and lives around 15hrs away. It looks like his mother lives a few hours from him as well she is 50.

My initial thoughts on this was to begin practicing writing vent letters. Orchid told me to do this but I haven't started yet. I don't really know what to say. I was thinking that including a pictures of my family (WW and me) and my parents and her parents would be good. I didn't think that I should send any proof of the A but I know that they will ask. In my situation some of my proof I need to keep secret so the source doesn't dry up.

When is the right time to go forward with this information? Right now I have been in Plan A for the last month and WW has refused to commit to NC in our MC sessions (2). She has been staying elsewhere for the last 4 weeks and never contacts me unless it's about money or I call first.

I was hesitant to reply because it's painful for me to just remember anything. but the OW in my case was 20 (turned 21 last month) a college student and lived at home w/both her parents. I will bump up the thread in which i discuss how i handled the situation instead of typing everything here. basically i was naive enough to think that they didn't know my H was married. they knew (i only talked to her mom), they knew about me, said they talked to their daughter but she was young and if my H had already made up his mind, that she was just an innocent girl who met a guy in a class, and that they liked my h. she also asked that i not physically hurt her daughter.

i did not tell my h that i was going to talk to her parents for obvious reasons and when he found out said that i had probably ruined things. well that all happened in march and his A is still in full swing, even introduced the OW to his family. but i'm glad i did it. i think the name of the thread was called "roughroad needs help w/exposure" hope it will help.

SML you have your work cut out for you, RR

RR,

You did a great job exposing your WH's A to the OW's parents and you handled yourself like a total lady. If OW's parents do not mind their daughter having an A with a married men, then that tells a lot about THEIR character, doesn't it? I know that they really cannot stop her from having the A, but they also didn't need to welcome your WH with open arms.

You did very well.

Have a great day!

Kati

SML,

I had a hard time with exposure and have been slammed on this site for urging caution in deciding who to expose to. I was very reluctant to expose to church members and close friends of H who I thought might gossip, judge, and/or end their association with H because I didn't want to ruin his reputation and I was afraid of the long-term consequences, including to our marriage. I don't regret the fact that these people never found out about the A because my H really turned to them for help in strengthening his faith after we started recovery, and I think he would have been too proud/embarrassed to continue a friendship with them if I had exposed to them. I know others at MB would disagree, but I think exposure to this group would have hindered our recovery (I concede that I could be wrong about this - my H's A, which I withstood for 18 mos, might have been shorter if I took a harder line on exposure, I just am not sure it would have ended with recovery).

Anyway, I did expose to H's family (not very effective even though they all supported me and begged him to end the A, he ignored them and stopped talking to them) and to every possible person I knew of related to OW (a college student). My H's reputation was NOT a factor in exposing to the OW's family. I didn't care what they thought of him so I saw nothing to lose in exposing to them.
I mailed the following letter:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. X,
As you probably know, your D has been involved in a relationship for the past 18 months. What you may not know, is that this relationship is an adulterous affair with my H, a married man with two young children. I have enclosed a photo of our family, including H, myself, my 2 year old son and our 6 month old D, and H's mother, who lives with us, as she is dying of cancer.
I love my H and I am trying to save my marriage and my family, but your D is trying to destroy it.
For the sake of everyone involved, including your D, I am writing to ask for your support in condemning this destructive and shameful relationship.
Sincerely, Pearl

I don't know the details of how OW's parents reacted, but I know OW got a lot of pressure to end the A from the one other person I exposed to on her side, a friend of her family, and he told me her parents would not support the A, so I assume she got pressure from them, too. I sent it the same time I sent my plan B letter, and I think it was the shock of all those things at once that knocked some reality into my H's head and led (eventually) to NC with OW.

Every situation is different, but I think you have little to lose by exposing to OW's parents - in my mind it is one of the easiest exposures, and may pay off. JMO.

Thanks for the letter example Pearl. I'll use that to start my first draft. However, I've been wondering if maybe a call wouldn't be more appropriate since in my case I have the mother's phone number.

I haven't decided whether or not to expose at WW university where she works as a graduate. Some of the other people in her department that she respects have been married for many years and have even influenced her in good ways in the past. I wonder if exposure to them would cause too much damage to her already fleeting reputation? How much pressure is too much pressure?

C.

Hi,

I made a slightly different choice; I wrote a letter to the OW and told her if she attempted to contact my husband again, I would tell her mother.

I have to say it made me uncomfortable to make this threat because I know that her mother is ill and OW's father died recently. I'd hate to cause OW's mother additional pain. But felt that really whether or not I tell her mother, is truly in OW's hands.

OW has attempted contact every 5-8 months since d-day over 2 years ago. I'm hoping this is all it takes to leave my husband alone!

Csue were you not concerned that OW might beat you to the punch and warn her family. Tell them some outlandish story and act like you were crazy? I mean is the element of suprise not more effective here? If OW was caught off guard she would have very little chance to come up with a justification or diversion. Just wondering what your take is on this.

C.