My quick story: I'm a 43 year old woman, married for 20 years. For the first 17 years of marriage, it was blissful. We had 2 children. I stayed home and reared them, as we both had planned. When I turned 39, I started wanting more out of my life, other than being a good wife and mother (or maybe IN ADDITION TO). I went online and joined a messageboard (it was a celebrity's messageboard). I ended up meeting a bunch of nice people, one in particular. We grew closer and closer. I live in NY; she in Canada. We became fast best friends. I felt renewed and rejoiced in my new friendship. She made me feel alive, vibrant and wanted. She appreciated me. She said that she didn't have many friends (I did), and I felt protective over her. She seemed to be a breath of fresh air.
Over the course of a few months, we chatted nightly online. We discussed our marriages, things of a sexual nature, etc. I don't know HOW it happened, but we began flirting. This was a first for me. I'd NEVER been attracted to a woman, but this woman made my heart soar! We both had the same feelings. We realized that we were in love. We both felt blessed (and confused).
She had some problems in her marriage--not feeling wanted or needed. I tried to console her. She wanted the kind of marriage that I had. My marriage started slipping away the more time I spent with her. We spoke on the phone a lot. I reserved a lot of time for her and looked forward to spending every moment I could with her. We usually spoke at night when our children were in bed, but that quickly changed--we spoke during the day too. We spoke for about 3-5 hours a day.
She flew here to meet me and stayed in my house. We consumated our sexual relationship. It was amazing! I was so in love. So was she. I went to bed that night and had sex with my husband. I felt blessed to be in love with both of them and somehow thought it would all work out. He didn't know about my affair. I didn't want to hurt him.
Our affair went on for 2 more years. We had many ups and downs. The distance between us was difficult to overcome--being 2,000 miles apart, but we saw each other 9 times in 2 years. She tried to end the sexual part of our relationship a few times, feeling guilt, but always came back. The sex was amazing, but I have to admit that it was amazing with my husband, and by myself too. I'm a sexual person.
In July, 2003, after going away with her in Canada, she ended it again. I was DEVASTATED. Felt suicidal. She stuck to her guns this time, stating that she tried everything to make me happy but I always seemed to want more. In truth I was VERY happy, but the distance and our real lives interfered. It was hard to make it all work, but I never wanted to lose her. We tried to maintain the friendship, even though I was still in love. I was convinced that she was still in love, but blocking her feelings to overcome her guilt. She and I still shared some sexual intimacies after that. She let me touch her (somewhat) and she participated in some things with me.
I went to see her in March and there was tension. I was still in love, and I wanted badly to try to maintain the friendship (which is all she said she wanted at this point). When I got home, we began arguing more and more. She was pulling back and I was upset. I threatened to "out" her to her husband, because she seemed to suppress our affair. I threatened to tell my husband too. That night, she told her husband "everything". She sent me an email, according to his request, and said she couldn't speak to me again. I called her, trying to talk to her, but her husband wouldn't put her on the phone and he told me, "I already know enough. Please don't call here again". I was worried about her (her mental state fluctuated during the past few years and she has had some "low" moments). I just needed to hear that she was okay. I wrote, called, etc., to no avail. I was worried sick!
Three days later, another email came in. She took a chance and wrote to me, even though she wasn't "allowed". She told me that she was trying to get through the end of each day. She asked me not to respond to the email. She said that she was sorry but that I "painted" her into a corner. She said she'd miss me and my family very much. She said that she didn't know if she could ever contact me again. She sounded distraught. I was appreciative that she wrote, but sickened at the same time. I worried more. I continued writing, but didn't acknowledge THAT email, in fear of her husband reading it.
I wrote daily (less than the 5-10 emails we used to exchange daily!!). Just once a day. I still tried calling. All to no avail. No response. I worried that she was dead or in an institution. I called one night and heard her voice. She hung up on me. She was alive at least!
I also looked for her online. I missed her greatly and was VERY, VERY depressed. How could it be that I lost her? I found her on a messageboard, under an assumed name (after I joined this messageboard). She realized who I was and posted hateful things about me, calling me a "stalker". It sounded nothing like her.
She sent me a "cease and desist" formal letter in the mail (this after some of my letters and my package to her of HER belongings came back "refused" to me). She said that I wrote in excess of 90 emails and I phoned her home phone and cell numerous times. She urged me to stop or legal action would ensue. I was once again crushed! Here I thought she still cared, and maybe she even appreciated my update emails. I thought I'd get them bounced back or she'd at least have written, asking me to stop. How could it be that this person suddenly hated me and wanted me to stop all contact??
According to her posts, she was trying to get on with her life. Funny, she told me that if her husband ever found out about us, he'd leave her. He was never too supportive of her in the past. Now he's not only staying, but he's finally being caring and supportive?? Was that all I meant to her?? Was I a pawn to make him jealous? I have good judgment and I believed everything she told me. She was IN LOVE with me, and I with her. How could she put this behind her and try to rectify her marriage?? (This when she told me that she'd never have "mind-blowing" sex with him like she had with me, and she'd never have an "exciting life" with him like she had with me!). Was she feeding me lines???
This was a month ago. D-Day was May 19th, I believe. For one month I've been SICK over this even more. I can't stop thinking of her and reviewing our whole affair in my head. I was ready to leave my husband if we had had a chance together. She meant THAT much to me, but my children meant more.
I'm still trying to figure out a lot. How could I have been attracted to a woman (a 300 lb woman at that!). I'm a thin, fairly attractive woman. My friends & family all joked, asking me to pick someone "sexier" if I were going to have an affair. I was outraged at that--I found her to be VERY, VERY sexy and attractive. How could I have depended on her that much? My life is so changed. I'm sad, sick and depressed.
I told my husband about this in May. He was supportive and kind (as I knew he would be). He said that had the affair been with a man, he'd have left me. He wanted to know what I was trying to "fill" by having her in my life like i did. He was willing to wait around until I figured things out. I have been SO depressed and confused that I haven't wanted anyone sexually. I still care DEEPLY for my husband, but I don't want any sex right now. I'm so hurt, confused and guilty. How could I have hurt my husband when he's been a caring, supportive man? How could I have turned to this woman and trusted her so deeply, only to be crushed and hurt? She DID bring me a lot of good, and I hope I did the same for her. I still can't accept or believe that she's gone from my life. She meant too much to me, and she assured me that I meant "the world" to her. I'm finding it hard to go on, but I am trying to, for the sake of my children.
My husband and I are in marriage counseling. It's helping somewhat. We both want to make this work. We both still care about each other deeply.
Sorry this was so long. My question is: Will I ever "get over" her? Will I ever stop looking for her and longing for her? Will I ever stop hoping she'll contact me?? Will I ever be able to get my marriage on track? I don't know what I want at this point, but it's hard to keep it all together.
Thank you for reading this. Please give me any input you might have! I'm desperate!
