I had posted some weeks ago and received some very good advice in response, but I'm in a dilemma right now--my WW has been in an affair with a divorced male "friend" for about 2 1/2 months. She had been referred to counseling prior to my confirmation of the A, though I had a gut feeling at the time. The counselor, in a private conversation with me, advised me not to confront the issue right away, because my wife had also been diagnosed with depression, and the counselor wanted to wait a few weeks to allow meds to take full effect, etc. Recently, the opportunity arose for me to confront WW about my suspicion, and she strongly denied anything more than a friendship (which, frankly, I expected). My dilemma--my proof of the A is in e-mails and cell phone records that I have intercepted over the entire course of this A. The counselor, who came very highly recommended, strongly advised me not to confront WW with the e-mails under any circumstances because, I suppose, of the anger and backlash it would generate. She (Counselor) has suggested options ranging from kicking WW out to riding out the A and hope for a quick natural death to it. Other sources, including this board, would seem to recommend full confrontation with this proof, regardless of the reaction. The other concern is that revealing my source would drive the A further underground and cut off what information I am able to obtain (the "devil you know vs. the devil you don't know")
At this point I believe the A to be emotional only, not a full-blown sexual infidelity, and I actually think OM may be trying to cool it back to a friendship, but my WW is strongly infatuated and continues to pursue the relationship. WW and I are together, getting along on a civilzed level, although she is sleeping in the guest bed since I confronted her initially (says she doesn't want to sleep with someone who accuses her of an affair). I have insisted that she cease all contact with OM, but she continues to contact him as usual. They are also planning to do a community theater play together coming up soon (this A started while they were co-starring in an earlier play), meaning nightly rehearsals, etc. I also worry about destroying what progress we may have made in counseling by revealing my proof.
I am open to suggestions...If any of this is unclear I will be glad to fill in the gaps. I think this board is doing a great service. Thanks!

Well, MB recommends that you expose the affair. However, if you think your counselor is good, why not wait another 2 weeks until the anti-D's kick in.

Also suggest your counselor check out this site.

Hi Aj,

Just a few thoughts.First,I would consider getting into some counseling with Steve Harley for yourself.Your current counselor seems to want you to tippy toe around your WW and it goes against all the information we are following here.If you just pretend that it's not happening or turn a blind eye you are only ignoring the obvious.You can't treat a problem without first acknowledging it.

If you want the best chance at recovering your marriage you need to follow the rules here at MB.I assume that is why you are here.Plan A is the way to go at this point since your WW is reluctant to divulge all the pertinent information about her behavior(which speaks volumes) and she is just going to get deeper and deeper into this mess as long as she puts the time and energy into it.And,with a play coming along,that just means more time they have together.

Counseling together while your WW is in an A is a waste of time and money.You could talk to someone for yourself and talk to Steve about how to proceed but until your WW comes clean about her actions,she is just blowing smoke.

Also,I would consider doing some exposure here.Nip it in the bud if you have evidence that this so called "friendship" is more than the norm and IMO it is NOT normal to have that amount of contact with a person of the opposite sex.You need to let the OM know that you are very uncomfortable with your WW's contact with him and that you love your WW and want to fix the problems with the marriage.He needs to back off before they get anymore involved.

And by the way,the statement that your WW doesn't want to sleep with someone that is accusing her of an affair? That is one big red flag flying.Consider the fact that she may already be having sex with the OM.WS's are adept at hiding their A's until it just gets to be too much trying to hide their secret double life.Keep the pressure on a bit and she will crash.In time.

O

AJ4,

The divorced male "friend".

Your friend or her friend? How tight were/are you with the friend?

You indicated he seemed to be wanting to ease it back to the friendship side. If you are getting this info from emails to her, maybe he is REALLY uncomortable with the sitch, and being gentle with her, not to hurt any feelings.

Maybe a serious man to man with him would clear things up. Plus you would be "fighting" for your wife and standing up for the marriage.

Just a thought.
k

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

My FWWs EA was ended quickly when I contacted OM and told him to back off till she made a decision.

I did that the same night I confronted FWW with her inappropriate relationship. She has told me that it meant allot to her to see me fight for her. Almost a turn on...

Thats how it worked for us that time... no guarentees written or implied.

Thanks for the responses--I think the gist of my question got buried within all the info I tried to include within my initial posting--I have confronted my WW about her relationship with OM, but I did not confront her with the black-and-white proof (the e-mails) on the advice of the counselor. WW continues to contact OM and denies anything but a friendship. Should I go ahead and confront her with the e-mail evidence, regardless of the backlash and anger that might ensue, or should I wait to see if the A dies out on its own? Thanks again!

AJ4, you should confront her right away with the evidence you have. If you don't, this affair runs the risk of not dying out, but going to a much deeper level. You are helping the affair thrive by keeping her secret.

Let her know what you know right away. I would suggest doing it in a way that does not reveal your source, if you can help it. If you MUST show her the emails, then install spyware on your computer before you do. That way, even tho she might start deleting the emails, you will still have access to them.

It's ok if your W gets angry at getting caught. This step will help end the affair, which is the greatest risk to your marriage. And just remember, don't let her manipulate you into feeling guilty. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.