I am so thankful that I found this board. I am a new member, but I need your advice and wisdom. I have read the Basic Concepts and know what I SHOULD do, but I wonder if this might be an exception.

First, the basic facts: M for 9 years, together for 11; 2 children, S 4 1/2, D 2 1/2. My H leaves for deployment to Iraq in December. Up until a month and a half ago, I NEVER, EVER thought of having an A – I thought it was a sin second only to murder. Then I was on a business trip and met a man who flattered me and was very persistent. He was the exact description of a typical OM: very close to the opposite of my H; he was married, so I thought "It can't be too wrong to just talk to him"; he told me he loved me right away; he didn't want to talk about anything but "us". I did go for two evening walks with him, but I let him know that I was happily married with 2 children, and he told me he was married (not happily) with 1 son. He held and kissed my hand, and that was all. He did try to kiss me, but I turned away. The only kiss we shared was a cheek to cheek kiss, as is customary in that country. I asked him how he could say he loved me when we did not even know each other, and he explained that he "just did". We exchanged email addresses before I went home and I decided on the flight home that I would stop this "friendship" right then, because I felt so much guilt and knew it was wrong. Besides, he lived far away in another country. Then, of course, he kept emailing me, and persuading me to email him back, and I fell deep into the fog. I thought to myself, "What could it hurt? We're just talking." We had both told each other that we would never divorce our spouses, because of the children. For as much as I tried to resist, I got caught up in the addiction and excitement. I loved to read his emails and it was so nice to feel loved. Then, a week ago, he decided that we needed to be stronger and end this relationship, because of the three children's lives that would be ruined. I was totally crushed, and have been in the depressed withdrawal stage. The first few days I kept emailing him back, hoping for a response. Then, yesterday I found this website and realized that he never really loved me. For him, I think it was more about the "thrill of the chase" and once he found out that I thought I was in love with him, he decided that he didn't want to ruin our lives and took the "gentlemanly" way out of the A. I'm still having a hard time calling it an EA, because it never was physical, but I know that I became emotionally addicted to the romance and intense feelings I got from our email and phone contacts. I have not contacted him now for 6 days, and I understand that NC is an absolute must. Until yesterday I was crying at every thought of him, and constantly checking my emails to see if he'd try to contact me. I know it only lasted a month, but for me it was very intense once I decided to give in and care about him.

During the whole time we were in contact, I KNEW it was wrong. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I felt SO guilty. But I couldn't stop. My H never suspected anything, at least I don't think he did, but I have been giving him hints, like "Why don't you tell me I'm beautiful anymore?" and telling him that I want to feel that "first love" feeling we had way back when. He just says, "Oh, you know I love you." I tell him I miss the romance of our early relationship, and he just says, "Well, we're parents now." We both work full time and lead very busy lives, and I feel like we have started to take each other's love for granted.

Two days after the OM decided it was best to not keep in contact, my H found out that he will be leaving for Iraq in 3 months. He will be gone for at least 18 months. So I have been depressed and going through withdrawal from the OM, as well as depressed about the thought of being a "single" parent with two small children at home for the next two years. My H thinks I am just sad about him leaving, which I am, but I am also fighting my own guilt of the past month.

Here's my dilemma – I need to work through the guilt of my EA. I know it was wrong, and I'm starting to see through the OM's stories, and I know that it was not love that I felt for him, it was that he filled an emotional need for me. I want my H to fill that same need, because I love him very much, but I feel like he is not willing or able to fill my EN. Now my H is consumed with getting ready to leave for deployment, and I'm feeling left out and unloved. I know the right thing to do is to be radically honest and tell him what happened, but there are two reasons I do not want to tell him. First, I am scared he will leave me; and second, I do not want to cause him undue worries while he is in Iraq. He will be in a dangerous enough position without worrying about whether his W is being faithful while he is gone. I WILL be faithful, though. Should I tell him the truth? I want to go to marriage counseling, but I think with all the stress we have with him leaving soon, part of me says to ignore my feelings of not being loved, get over the guilt of the past month, and move on with our lives. I would really like to hear anyone's opinion and advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to go to marriage counseling, but I think with all the stress we have with him leaving soon, part of me says to ignore my feelings of not being loved, get over the guilt of the past month, and move on with our lives. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go to MC. You cannot ignore your feelings - they will just become more powerful, demand more attention. And if your H is not there to do that? Who knows what will happen if the OM contacts you again.

In the beginning of your post you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Up until a month and a half ago, I NEVER, EVER thought of having an A – I thought it was a sin second only to murder. Then I was on a business trip and met a man who flattered me and was very persistent. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then, at the end of your post you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He will be in a dangerous enough position without worrying about whether his W is being faithful while he is gone. I WILL be faithful, though. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you have this confidence in yourself? Your M is vulnerable. Having an A is not a character defect - it is something that can happen to anyone in the "right (or wrong)" set of circumstances. IMO, if you don't tell your H, you are setting those circumstances up again.

This is not so much about will power, it is about taking care of your own feelings, with yourself and within your M, so you don't have to go looking elsewhere. Tell your H, go to MC. It will put stress and strain on your both, but you can save your M. It is in mortal danger.

SS

Dreamer, welcome to the board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I too am a military wife, as difficult as it will be for you both, I advise that you be honest with your H. Will it hurt him? Yes, it will. Will he be angry? Yes, he might. However..this is the state of your marriage..to delay is only to give you both less time before his deployment to work through this together. The state of your marriage has left you vulnerable to an EA...nothing has changed, you are still vulnerable. It probably isn't a stretch to say that if you are vulnerable ...would it not be likely that he too is vulnerable? Especially with the stress and separation?

I would buy the books recommended on this site and read them. Arrange for counsel, both MC and IC. This is a very real problem and needs a real solution. You have done the right thing by ending it...now finish the job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm sure some more experienced posters will have more detailed advice, but I wanted to extend a welcome and my .02.

--Noodle

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

SS & Noodle - thanks so much for your replies. I'm sitting here at work, crying again, because I know you are both right. I was wishing that someone would say, "no, don't tell him, let it pass", but I see that this is something I must do. How do you do this – just come right out and tell him about the EA? Or do I just tell him I think we need to go to MC because I need more from our M? What if he is not willing or able to give me what I need? So many questions...