i posted this in the topic "to wear or not wear the rings" but since then i have decided i would really like to have feedback on what i did so i wanted to start my own topic on the subject.

I am a FWW, d-day just over 5 months ago. H took off his ring sometime shortly after d-day, i'm not sure exactly when, he didn't say anything, i just noticed one day. i did let him know i noticed, but i didn't get mad or anything.

last weekend, i brought up his ring, we were relaxing out on the porch at our lake house after the kids were in bed. i asked him if he thought he would ever wear it again, i told him i would like to be the one to put it back on him again when he was ready and that i would like to say my vows to him again. he didn't really respond (but then he is like that, he does not respond externally) i don't want to put pressure on him but i really wish i knew what effect my words/request had on him. nothing has been said since then.

he has stated many times, he wants to try to stay married.

last night, he went out with a friend, before i went to bed i looked in the drawer where i figured the ring would be and i did find it. i took off my rings and put them all together. litereally tied them together with a piece of yarn. i have not decided how i feel about my action yet. part of me thinks, if he is not wearing his because he does not feel good about being married to me than why would he want me wearing mine, and why would i want to wear a ring from someone that does not want me to wear it anymore. i guess that is the part of me that won the debate last night. i had been thinking about it all week. the other part of me thinks i should be wearing it regardless of what he does. but i guess that part lost the debate.

we have had a very distant week. we kinda talked things out on the phone yesterday afternoon but then the evening did not go so great. he ended up going out at about 10pm and at 3am i called his cell to see what was up. he got home shortly after 4am. he didn't think he did anything wrong. i don't trust my judgement enough to defend my view that he should not stay out so late. it messes up his sleep which messes up his ability to participate in life, specifically the morning activities of getting the kids to school, something i have had to do 3 times this week (the first week of school), even though i am having to get myself out the door for work. even on mon. and tues. i was the one to take the first child to school, including getting her breakfast and making her lunch. she starts very early now that she is in HS. H is just not good at getting started in the morning.

FYI: my action did NOT occur because of his late night. I did what i did before i went to bed the first time, not after i woke up at 3am and found he was still out.

i do know that i intend to either put my rings back on or let H know why I have taken them off. I'm certainly not going to just let him notice (or not notice) on his own. i figure he deserves to be told straight out.

i wonder, am i the only FWS that has taken off their rings for the reason i have stated above?

i would also like to hear any feedback on if this is an LB or not. i don't mean it to be an LB.

Hey fl! Haven’t seen you in a while!

I don’t think I can really give you any advice, but I can tell you about my situation.

My W stopped wearing all of her rings too.

I still wear mine. Actually more now than ever before. I used to take it off with the rest of my jewelry when I got home from work. Now I never take it off.

I don’t know if what you did is a lb or not…

I can understand your thought process though…

Sorry I couldn’t be more of a help!

hi robby, thanks for the reply, i lurk more than posts these days. i have been wondering how you are doing. if you don't mind me asking. i know you post a lot in that one topic but there is TOO MUCH action over there for me to keep up!!!

is seperation still being talked about? is any progress being made on your homefront?

FL -

I too can understand why you took off your ring, and possibly why he took off his.

I think the idea of renewing your vows together some day is a wonderful, beautiful thing to do and very symbolic.

I also personally feel that weddings rings are symbolic also, of the vows you made to love, honor, cherish in sickness, and in health, for richer for poorer, for better and for WORSE, until death you both shall part.

It is in the worse part, that the rings mean even more. It is about faith, about love no matter that the sitch right now is very much the "for worse" part.

Now is the time that you need the symbolism of the ring more than ever before.


I am not married but wear a bracelet that my ex fiance gave me during far happier times. I still haven't taken it off. I know that when I do take it off, it will symbolize to me that that chapter of my life is over, my love for him has changed, and I have let him go. Until then, I will wear it.

fl-

Thanks for asking! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We are going to separate as soon as I land a new job. No progress with our M. W thinks, at this time, we would be better off as friends. Wants to separate before she makes any decision on D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

My IC is starting to question my sanity for wanting to stay M to my W.

Hi FL

I just posted to you on our book thread, asked about your H, then saw this thread. I think tying the rings together was very symbolic and a cool idea.

Do you think there's a chance of men hitting on you since you aren't wearing wedding rings, though? That's one reason I can think of to keep wearing your rings.

Otherwise, I guess you'd have to ask your H if he wants you to wear your rings or not, and tell him you don't mean it to be an LB.

Rose

i am going to put my rings back on. i don't like not having them on. H will never know i had taken them off.... although maybe i should actually tell him i am struggling with it. that would be practicing radical honesty. as long as i tell him i was not trying to be mean spirited when i took them off. i'll have to think about all this as i drive home. i'm going to leave early so i can get home before the kids and we can have some alone time. we talked about playing racquetball and i know H would do it but he is tired and so am i so i told him i would just come home and hang out with him.

thanks to all who replied to all the "ring" topics.

FL
I did the same thing when my WW, well she says she is FWW, told me of her affair after 18 yrs together.

For me I took the ring off because I no longer had a relationship of trust, commitment and perhaps love anymore. I didn't want a divorce but couldn't accept the vows the ring represented as anything but hypocrisy. It hurt too much. It still does.

Maybe your H feels something of the same.

Look my dd was 3 months ago your H was 5 months ago, its all very raw and hurting right now. I know that I do not know if I EVER want to wear it again, maybe your H feels like that too.
Right now I, at least quite often, feel like I will never fully recommit to my FWW & at times couldn't care less if I walked out or not. Then I at the same time think that maybe, just maybe we can salvage something.
Could your H be in the same sort of place do you think?

You see all this came after I said I would forgive her, the reality is that after learning so much I doubt all that we have had was real. I guess we BH & BW for that matter come to feel this way.
I think your H feels this to a degree and frankly will see your removal of the ring in a negative light. I would see it as confirmation that our M was no longer my FWW priority. We BH have learnt that words mean nothing...it is the action we see or learn of.
We are going to MC doing all the things we should be doing but the feelings I have are still there.
I understand him going out too. there are times when I cant stand to be near my FWW, she will have done nothing but out of nowhere comes all the imagery of her and the OM and I'm out of there. I don' think we BH are good at admitting our pain either.

So what I'm saying is that hes hurting, probably a bit lost, has times when he wants to be AWAY from you, doubts everything he ever had with you, I started questioning who was our kids father as well, so do you see why hes out to 4.00am and doesn't wear his ring??? It doesn't represent anything now but pain.

Please remember that I am writing from the perspective of a person in roughly the same time scale and place as your H, he may have other issues or thoughts that are not as mine, but what you wrote seems to fit me so well in general terms.

My MC who is also our IC as well told me it can often take years for a BH/BW to recover. Not many of us do the 123 hey presto all is fixed. And most of those are probably pretending.

anyway, best wishes and hope it works out

I thought I was the only one struggling with this. Now I can see that for every problem I am having someone else is too. I will from now on post any questions.

My FWH won't wear his wedding ring. I don't know why. We haven't talked about it. I noticed this, and I quit wearing mine shortly there after. Most of the reason that I won't wear it is because 1. is a three diamond ring welded to my wedding band, it stands for past, present and future. Well who wants to remember the past? Not me. 2. I don't feel as we have any vows right now. I mean we do, but when we can renew them someday it will feel more real to me. 3. Wearing my rings feels fake to me. I feel as though it is like turning my M on and off with those rings. He is obviously not really into being married or he would be wearing his ring, so I figure why should I? I am not sure where I am on this either. I have many feelings on this myself. I have thought about having our rings blessed by the minister and then wearing them. I am really not sure what to do. Any other opinions would be great on this subject, thanks for starting this thread.

HINY

aussie,

thank you for sharing. our 18yr anniversary is on monday. it sounds like your W confessed too?

yes it does sound like you and he are in the same sort of place. my H has not yet said he forgives me. i am ok with that. i don't want him to say it until it is true and i don't think it can come that quickly. he is not the type to just say something, when (i'm assuming there will be a time) he does say it i know he will 100% mean it. not that i ever expect he will forget.

My marriage is still a priority. as i posted above i have decided to put them back on.

my H is really struggling with wanting to get any help. there is no way he is doing MC. he is very resentful that he has to consider reading any books on this or having to go to IC. although he sometimes acknowledges that he probably needs to do something.

i never get the impression that he goes out because he cannot stand to be around me. but i do know he has images that he fights with in his head too.

i hope you can find some relief to your pain aussie. i am not sure of your situation, if your W confessed vrs you discovered the A. if she is remorseful or not. i really am trying to do all i can to ease my H's pain. but i am human too and i have pain too. if you are like my H, you may not want to hear that or care about that at all. i don't expect 123 presto (although i would certainly not be opposed to it!!! well only if it was really real). I try to not need anything from him and to only give but i have needs too. I am in pain too, i am hurting too and a little kindness and reassurance that i am doing some things right would go a long way.

best wishes to you too. i hope you and your M can heal and eventually flourish.

Hi HINY, there sure is a lot of ring talk happening today. i'm taking off for home now, putting them back on will be the first thing i do.

FL

I think there is a lot of similarity in our two families right now, sad to say.
Your description of your pain and hurt becaue of the hurt & pain you inflicted on your family was something I well to be truthfull I never considered before in a 'real' sense.
I dont think your H has either you know...... and yes we dont want to hear it, but we should I guess. Though I have to tell you it is very hard to swallow.

Not wanting to do MC, I do understand that as I was very much totally pissed that I'had' to do it for it to work......well I didn't have to do it at all & it hasn't worked yet, but I have decided to really try for once.
My W was very reluctant to go because I now realise she knew I was just not ready to commit to restoring the M.

As for not wanting to be around you, it not so much that as not wanting to be around the images that play in our heads, in your H you & the OM and in mine my W & the OM. Its that which we run from not 'you'.

You know I really hope it works out for you too. We really are all in a mess aren't we?

It was the Ring thing that caught my attention. H has insisted the importance of wearing his ring.

Wearing his own ring signified commitment to him (he took it off when he felt unjustified wearing it the worst days of our lives).

I took mine off & threw it at him & did not wear our marraige band for at least 10 months into recovery.

Why:
1. I was waiting for him to feel in love with me again...sounds pathetic I know I actually hoped he would ask me to marry him again...

2. I did not often feel as though he was truly married to me

3. I ignorantly was afraid if I did he would think all was well in our marraige again - that I might have reached the point of acceptance

4. Selfishly I enjoyed the thrill of having an affair with my husband when we went out - married man ring on finger with me no significant jewellery just awash with lust for hubby (that comes with time too)- it was kind of an unintended cruelty to him, I was completely unaware how insecure it made him feel, yet at that time it gave me some security.

5. I really wanted him to make it worth my while - to persue me, to make me feel loved again.

6. I took me an age to recognise after all the effort of getting him back to me, I was now the one with committment issues, I did not feel married, I questioned myself daily to run or stay.

In the heel or hell of the hunt, we were both hurt, and desperately afraid of making mistakes for our own futures.

We had to actually agree the importance of wearing rings. What wearing them felt to us each as individuals, as spouses, as parents, as people in work, as adults individuals going out.

It took a lot of toing & froing, and yes in the heat of arguments I have LB'd by removing ring - that I hope (mental note toself control) will never happen again.

What did keep me strong at times of huge self doubt was my husbands persistence in wearing the ring I had given him. I noticed him playing with it on his finger as if inadvertently letting the world know I am married to her while flirting with me (ring on) accross a crowded bar.

I don't know if this is any use to anyone, but the ring thing is so significant now, I was just too naive to value it's importance.

I am glad you put it on again before it's abscence was noticed - that would have set me back months in self doubt & trust.

Other thoughts - would your husband be happy to see you making the effort to go out with him some evening. No big fuss etc. just putting that extra effort into seeking him out, when he is out of the house till 3am. Sorry don't know your full situ. But I do know when I ran away to what I thought was to escape the pain etc., I really wanted to be rescued, comforted and reassured by my spouse.

Best of Luck
Ktulu

I am a former WW struggling to get my WH back....hw is in the middle of his revenge affair as we speak....I had stopped wearing my rings during my pregnancy due to the fact that they wouldn't fit and became accoustomed to not having them on......my diamond band hadn't fit for awhile before that because of my weight gain.....even tho my now WH is in a relationship I wear both my wedding rings...my diamond band which now fits again...and my gold band....he took his rings off the day before my b-day on july 4th saying it was his independance day.....I found them in a drawer in his long forgotten dresser.....he said they ment alot to him but he left them behind when he moved out.....I took them to the jewlers along with my own rings and had them cleaned up and now wear his rings every day on my favoirte chain on my neck....so that they are close to my heart.....I love him....and still cling to hope we can be together one day....

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

Ktulu, what an insightful post. You have made me review myself.

Deep down I HOPE my not wearing the ring will sting WW. I WANT her to ask me to wear it to show some SHRED of desire to remain married to me rather than just staying in my house as a financial convenience, but she is unable to do that right now even if she wanted to.
I feel she doesn't DESERVE me to be publicly proud of being married to her right now. All our friends and family will also surely notice that I am wearing no ring for the first time in 17 years.

It makes me feel bad now I read your post, but the angry part of me rages that it is my only outworking of my shame, grief and hurt while I plan A and I deserve some gesture. And it is such a small defiance compared to the devastation she has wreaked upon me. But it is far more significant than I thought.

How haughty and selfish that reads back to me now I have writtn it... I will leave in this post though as I need to see it to make me think.

I would LOVE WW to ask me to wear my ring, but she won't and can't right now so it is a useless and frail gesture.

I don't know what to do. Perhaps my WEARING the ring would be a NICE gesture to her now?

Dunno. Thanks ktulu, thought provoking post.

* edit , Ktulu, I have put mt ring back on. For better or worse, right ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 06, 2004, 03:24 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

I'm torn about wearing mine and asking WH to remove his.

WH D got married Sat - the ring ceremony brought me to tears - It went something like - I give you this ring as a SIGN OF MY FIDELITY....

I still wear my ring - I AM still married - I still LOVE my WH - though, I am considering asking my WH to remove his - did he not hear what the priest said during the W - the rings symbolize FIDELITY...

WHY DOES HE WEAR HIS RING? Is it really a babe magnet?

Okay, everyone....I am new on this forum...

I am praying desperately for reconciliation in my marriage.
My affair was in 2001, has been over since 2001.
My husband filed for dissolution of marriage( I guess that's divorce)in Oct 2001.
Legal separation was granted July 2003.
This whole time my husband and I have still been living together and I have been doing everything to make our marriage work.
I have even given up monetary things in the separation papers in the hopes of saving my marriage.
My husband took off his rings July 2003 right after the legal separation papers were signed.
He was mad because in the papers he was going to have to pay for spousal support. I have not taken any money from him at all. In fact I have been continuing to let him take care of all our finances. Now, he has informed me that he has gone to his attorney and filed for divorce.
I have done everything to try to make our marriage work. He has said he doesn't feel the same. He has not told me loves me since April 2001. He does admit that there are still some feelings there (we have been married for almost 30 years). I do not want this divorce. He refuses to recover and move forward from the past.
I am so confused , and I think he is too. The weird thing is...we are still sharing the same bed, he is attentive and still kisses me goodbye. I don't think he wants to get a divorce. He thinks I will hurt him again and he says he says doesn't trust me. I am doing everything I can to protect my weaknesses and have told him it will not happen again.
I am trying to get him to call Dr Harley for a coaching session, but, he is leluctant. He says he doens't want to try and work on our marriage, does not want to be married and wants to just be by himself.
Please help me...I am so confused..
I am continuing to try to save our marriage.
I am also trying to see if he will agree to attending a Marriage Builders seminar that is coming up in November.
I only have 30 days to respond to his attorney regarding the divorce.
I don't want to get ugly, but, am confused about how to handle the money issues with this divorce proceedings.
Do I let go and give in to everything, or should I go back and fight for a reversal of what I have given in to as far as the monetary issues.
He said he was looking for a sign from God.
I had told him that I would not take any money, retirement etc. Then he said that was the sign he was looking for. Well, I have given in to everything and now , he still says he is getting a divorce. He says he thought it would make a difference, but it didn't.
I am asking for advice...what should I do? How should I proceed and handle this? I want to handle this from a heartfelt desire and biblical principles to restore the marriage.
Please help and please pray.

MyHeartsDesire.Your husband has remained committed since 2001!!!

Sorry for your circumstances & this response.
I am neither experienced or wise enough to offer advise, my own very brief thoughts:
ask yourself what changes have taken place since then for you to be the best you could be for yourself first, then your marraige, then your husband? This is a frightening time for you. Was there anything you could have done to change this outcome? Are you prepared to them now?

Please click on the link below.
Can A Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse?

It would be very worth your while to read through all the principles on this website, linked on the above, there is obvious signs of hope for both of you.

Take care of Yourself First, then Your Marraige, then Your Husband.

Best Wishes
Ktulu