K, here is how you ask him:

"have you ended contact with the OM?"

If the answer is yes, you can continue to see him while he demonstrates he can be trusted.

If the answer is no, please refer him back to your Plan B letter. You MUST sound like a broken record in this regard: "contact me WHEN you have ended all contact with the OW." CLICK

You don't even want to vacillate on this point, K. It completely defeats the purpose of Plan B and destroys your credibility with him.

Until he has ended contact, you don't break Plan B. Otherwise, you simply enable him to carry on his affair forever. He will have NO motivation to end the affair if you allow him any latitude on this point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong>
I want to be very clear. I almost feel like writing the letter myself.

I did mention the NC letter in SAA. He has the book. Hopefully he will get that hint.

Thanks, K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't rely on hints, K. Be real clear:

1. no contact with you until contact has ended

2. he must be willing to write a no contact letter TOGETHER with you that will be either mailed or hand delivered to the OW by both of you

Hmmmm. Melody is completely right. Back to Plan B until he writes NC letter. I wouldn't even ask about it. He sounds like my WH - OM would be, could be, should be out of the picture. But she never actually was.

If you stay in Plan B, you will have lots of peace of mind. It is quite pleasant.

Yes, I believe you guys.

Thanks. What you have suggested is what I will do. I don't have the strength or the stomach to go back to the fence sitting.

When he called and said he wanted to take me on a date, that he was moving back home in a week or two, I was thinking the whole time "not just no, but OH HELL NO!"

He must end contact-- completely. And I know that it is a must for us to write the letter together. Otherwise, I can pretty much figure out what he would write on his own.

I STAND FIRM. PERIOD.

Thank you for the encouragement. I DO actually feel better in Plan B than I have since D-Day. Have had lots of energy, feel better about myself, and do not feel like my life is pointless. I don't feel like something that is stuck on his shoe that he's trying to scrape off ANYMORE.

Like my friends mom always told her..."there are worse things than being alone". Words to live by, for sure!

God bless everyone on this board. I wouldn't have known where else to turn, or what to do without all of you.

K

Okay, guys, here's what happened today (hope it's not too long).

Got to thinking about the NC letter this morning. Thought that if I went to WH apartment, and told him what I needed to have happen, we could possibly write the NC letter together today.

We went to lunch, did some shopping, then went back to his apartment. He was not feeling well.

WH told me how much he enjoyed going shopping with me, and that he had a good time. He was very affectionate, and talkative.

I said I really came up here because we need to talk about some things. He got "that look" on his face that showed he really didn't want to talk about "things".

I started talking to him about the NC letter. I said we should write it together, and that I should send it.

He said he hasn't seen or talked to OW in a while.
I asked if he had returned her cell phones to her.
He said no, he hadn't done that yet.

Then WH said "I don't really see what sending a letter would do, if I already don't talk to her. And why should I just hurt her again." I said (LB again - but I was very sweet about it) "You not sending her a NC letter hurts me. I know that you hurt too. But I honestly don't give a $hit about how OW feels."

I said, "It's for me. And it's to let her know that you don't want to see her or have any kind of contact with her. When you broke up with OW face to face because you didn't want to be disrespectful to her, you were being disrespectful to me (that was a LB no doubt)".

He then started talking about how not seeing or talking to me for the past few weeks was helping him get his head together. And that our "date" really helped him see where he wanted to be. But that my bringing this up just made him feel like a piece of $hit again.

He also made some remark about my "demands". I told him I was not making demands, that I was clearly telling him where my boundaries were, and what I needed from him.

I said that these were not demands, because he could choose to meet my needs in this, or not. His choice.

We started talking about his not being able to forgive himself for how much he hurt me. I told him that I forgive him, and God will forgive him if he asks it. That is when his own healing can begin.

We talked more, and I didn't LB anymore. The whole conversation was calm and I felt good about most of it.

I told WH that if OW had truly been the love of his life, he would have left me three years ago, and never looked back. He agreed.

My gut tells me he IS trying to get his head cleared.

My head tells me I should not wait too long for the NC letter. If he balks on this more, I will Plan B him... (should I say it)AGAIN?

I also told him that nothing would get cleared up if we never talked about it.

I told him I DO love him - sooo much. That I am waiting for him.

When I finally left, he walked me out to the car, hugged me sooo tight, and said "I love you, Sweetie".

Was I being demanding? Or did I let him know what my boundaries are? Have I waffled too much?
How can you tell? Are ALL WH the same? Or do some have a harder time with this stuff than others do?

I have to see about getting an appointment with Steve Harley again, ASAP.

BRING OUT THE 2X4'S..... LET ME HAVE IT!!!