My husband left me in May 2004. He had an affair. He left me and our 4 kids, his job, his friends, he totaly "checked out". He is discouraged, and living in deception. He has seen the kids on their birthdays (3 out of 4 kids birthdays in Summer)only for 1 hour. He is working full time at another job but is not paying any support nor is he willing to committ to a schedule to visit the kids. He only wants to see them when he wants to see them. His affair is over but he is still not willing to go to counselling or be responsible. I am not taking him to court because I do not want to start the ball rolling, it could get ugly and we could very well end up divorced. I have joined a Covenant Keepers group and I am standing for my marriage. So far God is giving me what we need financially. I have done plan A and still doing Plan A when I see him, but it is not working. I have thought about going to plan B, or should I stay with what I am doing? Any thoughts?

CK wife,
I suppose you should Plan A for a little while longer if that is possible.

However, having said that, you really need to at least file for child support in your state. You cannot control your husband's behavior or choices, but you have a duty to protect yourself and your children. If your husband wants to pretend he's single and ignore his responsibilities, then you need to obtain a court order for him to pay child support. Contact the IV-D Agency in your state and apply for child support services. Unfortunately, it usually takes a while to get a court date, obtain a court order, and file a wage assignment with his employer, BUT it has to be done if he won't do it voluntarily.

YES, your husband will be angry that you had the audacity to take him to court. Remember, he's really that one that made that decision when he left and refused to do it on his own.

Not doing this will not bring him home any earlier. If he's coming back, he'll come back anyway. Do this, not out of anger, but because it's the right thing to do. Your children are legally entitled to this support.

My husband moved out in July, but fortunately he's voluntarily paying child support and helping out with bills. That may (or may not) have something to do with the fact that I work for the child support agency in my state.

Take care of yourself and your kids. Right now, YOU are all they have.

L&A

CK
I agree with Lost. You need to check out the whole Child Support issue ASAP. I've always said of my older children's father ... I didn't care if I was a millionaire .... I'd still have him write a check for a $1.00 every week (Just to remind him he has 2 children).

He may need to recognize that part of his life doesn't just go away because ... well, "out of sight out of mind". Children need to know their parents will take care of them .... anyway that the can. Paying child support by an absentee parent is a start to reassure children that the other parent does care about their well being. And regularly scheduled visitation is another way. Your children will know how their father feels about them if he keeps those visits or even if he doesn't. (I don't know how old your kids are .... but they need the father and their mother, even if you are not together).

Just my $.02

Brown

Thank you for your advise. My kids are 18, 16, 7 & 5. The kids are a mess and miss him terribly. My 5 year old was just crying saying "I want my Daddy, I want Daddy to come back, I want Daddy" that breaks my heart! Husband gets angry when they call him on his cell phone and cry that they want him.

He is only 37...do 37 year olds have mid life crisis? He used to be such a good dad and husband.

CK Wife

I'm so sorry, I agree with the rest you must get the necessary papers to receive child support.

My Wh left in March, I seen him once and that was by accident. Three weeks after he left, I found him luggage shopping with the OW. That was the last time I saw him.

We talked on the phone until May, I decided to go to Plan B. I didn't know he had moved to Las Vegas until I received DV papers in July. I live in NJ and he promised me he was going to stay in the area. So much for promises. During our marriage my WH was a Promise Keeper, so muich for keeping his marriage vows.

You have to take care of yourself and your children first. Don't think about what his reaction will be if you file for CS, you are doing it for your Children. So what if he gets mad, he didn't think of you when he went out and had an A. This is for your children and not for your own self gratification.

You come first and your childen. He should be able to understand that. He should not run out on his responsibilities. Make him countable.

CKWife, what was the state of your marriage before this all happened? What are his top needs? What was his reason for leaving?

Have you exposed this affair to your family and friends? How do you know the affair is over? Who is the OW? Is she married?

Last year our marriage was good. Then he started trucking long haul last October. He was having financial difficulty and was getting stressed out trying to find loads all the time. This is what he wanted to do for a career choice. He was always a Trucker but he used to be home every night for 5 years previous to October.

My husband and I went to one weekend marriage conference every year. I know what my husbands love lanuage is and I tried to speak them but he was hardly ever home. I could not go with on the road because of the kids and school, plus I also work.

My husband became discouraged and he started hanging out with people who have no morals and he started step by step making bad decisions. Decisions that were not obvious to me...they were secretive. However, I noticed an extreme change in his personality last April but naive me thought he was just over worked and exhausted.

Our two youngest girls and I went in the Semi with him in the beg. of last May for a trip. Where I found 2 condoms and a girl's phone number. By the end of May he left us. I called the phone number and spoke the woman's father (she is 34 and lives at home with her parents still!) I told the father who I was and what was going on...he was shocked. He said that he knew my husband, that my husband had been there at a party but the father had no idea my husband was married. Surprise! I gave the father my name and phone number in case SHE wanted to call me, she never did. They live about 3 1/2 hours away.

My husband Semi truck was taken away so he did not have a job any more right after he left us. He says that he has not talked to her since the beg. of July. His cell bills show he has not had contact with her...BUT he can be using another phone.

After I found the condoms and I had other proof he was in an affair I exposed it to family and friends.

My husband is living with another Trucker who has no morals, this other trucker has had many affairs and is divorced himself. I just found out that this man has also been a silent partner in helping my friend's husband have an affair (who also is a trucker). This man is bad news and I disliked it very much when my husband would hang out with him (which was not often...until H went trucking long haul) It was like my H would be a different person when he hung out with this guy.

I have been speaking my H's love language every time I see him...depositing in his love bank. "I think" he is feeling guilty and discouraged and that the road to recovery is too long and narrow.

CK wife

Thanks CK, that makes things clearer. I don't think you are ready to go into Plan B yet as the others have suggested. I think you need to try and draw him back a little longer via Plan A. Not much longer, but long enough to let him know what to expect if he comes back.

And I agree 100% with the others that you need to file for child support. Don't protect him from the consequences of his actions. That will hurt you and will hurt your kids.