Quickly...

Our 15 year marriage the past 8 years has been riddled with 2 affairs.. allowing men to talk smack to me.. having just plain disrespect for my husband, his feelings.. ive been an awful person.

At this point, his pain is so deep.. he doesnt know up from down.

After a discussion last night, he says to give him space, allow him to heal.. and just work on being his friend. That is ALL he can offer right now becuase he doesnt know what he wants. (ie: divorce, stayin together etc etc)

I know what this board is and i know I am about to receive a few critizims.. but .. when u are all done.. can someone help me learn to be my husband of 15 years.. FRIEND? I dont know how. .I dont know where to start.. HELP.. us?
please.

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: Loving4Him ]</small>

Well, step one is for you to tell us your story and where things are with you two.

Yes, we can help you, but first we need to know the situation.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Loving4Him:
<strong> Quickly...

I know what this board is and i know I am about to receive a few critizims.. but .. when u are all done.. can someone help me learn to be my husband of 15 years.. FRIEND? I dont know how. .I dont know where to start.. HELP.. us?
please. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, Loving what's your definition of "friend"? Is it the same as his? How would you help a friend that found out their S has had an A? Can you be kind, compassionate, caring, giving, loving, forgiving and understanding? Did you ever have a "friendship" with your H to begin with? Plan A!!!!!!

I have been very blessed to have been my H's friend first, it has made this a little easy for us. He was the WS .... I do understand why he strayed to an EA .... he missed his "best friend". (of course it's more complicated than that - but that was a good place to start).

Sorry no critizims from me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , I hope it helped

Brown

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: brown ]</small>

Do you have any idea why you had these affairs?

believer are you saying what EN's weren't being meant????

Good question!!!!

here we sit with 15 years of marriage behind us.. a few kids.. and a destroyed marriage.

I cannot really give any excuses for having any affair. But, the reason I "used" to have is the first affair was because of the abuse being handed down to me from him. I felt that the OM was giving me everything my H couldnt. But now in reality.. it was pure selfishness and a way to take things into my own hands. I never knew how to communicate and either did he. I didnt know how to have a relationship and either did he. We jumped from a teenage "friendship" to a sexual relationship (my H and I), to babies, to marriage, to an affair.. to the death of a marriage that lasted 15 years. The second incident was more of a STUPID one night stand taht resulted in my own devestation that I could have done such a thing.. AFTER I had promised myself that i would NEVER do that again. The devestation resulted in my moving out for about 5 weeks.. which i kept goin back to my "one night stand" for more company than sexual fulfillment. EITHER WAY.. it seems that for the past 8 years.. every two years i end up in a mess witha man. Wether it be sexual (only 2 times) or emotional.

I understand and have read all of what is on this board. Sometimes i may need reminded fo what is said becaues there was so much to read. HOWEVER, H is in no way intersted in helping keep me here. HE is too hurt. He doesnt care if i come or go. I cannot blame him. He said he will never be hurt from me again. I asked him if he just wants a divorce, but he doesnt know.

Divorce is no option for me, however, I am the betrayer.. I have no say. Not really.

I do know this. IT has been since february since we had split.. I truely believe he is done with me and our marriage as is.

I asked if we could get couseling.. he isnt interested. He said that there was a time that he would ahve done anything to keep this marraige alive and well but now he doesnt care if it makes it or not.

Sigh.. I want to respect his wishes. We are christians.. and I have rededicated my life and my heart back to Jesus. And i know without a doubt that I am healed and will never do again what i have done. Meaning.. taht weather or not H and I make it. .i will not be in bars.. be alone with a man unattended.. reading or watching lustful books/tv shows.. etc. I will not again be to blame for such behavior. I pray daily for him. I am doing Power of a Praying wife.. right now.. and I mostly pray for his healing.

Right now.. we cant even be accused of being friends.. because he is so angry.. so hurt.. so bitter.. and ofcourse, he now feels our marriage has been crap for 10 years and he has been unhappy for all these years.. which i dont know is true? or it is being said out of anger? I know that we live together.. he works.. i raise kids right now.. we get along pretty good..no fighting.. lots of crying..

does this answer any questions?
ask away..

Have you ended contact with the OM? I would suggest sending him a letter telling him to never ever contact you again. Tell him that you realize that your affair was a horrible mistake and very disrespectful to your H. Give your H a copy. That will go a long way in showing him that you mean to change and feel true remorse. [if you do feel remorse]

I would also suggest getting into intensive counseling to find out why you keep doing this. He is right to end the marriage unless you can find out the cause of your behavior and correct it. He has to protect himself from you.

Can you send him to us?

I went to intensive counseling back in March. It was the BEST thing ive ever done. I know the whys and why nots. The problem is.. he is the ending product of my crap. Can i sent him here? no. He doesnt want to share his pain.

Remorse? do i feel remorse? ABSOLUTELY.

When he say s friends. .im trying to figure out what exactly friends means.. and how far do i stay away without making him feel rejection? We are sleeping on our sectional couch.. together but so far apart. He doesnt mind me touching him.. but sexually it is out of the question.. which IS OK.. im totally understanding. It is the.. i want to say.. "i love you" but he is totally unsure if he loves me.. SO.. i dont want that to be a thorn in his side.

Sounds like even tho im the betrayer.. IM supposed to do the PLAN A thing.. guess id better go back and reread that section again.

Sigh..

L4H, did you see my other comments? Have you ended contact with OM? And please consider sending the OM a no contact letter as a first step in establishing some trust with your H.

What does he do when you tell him you love him? I think you should be doing everything in your power to PROVE that you love and respect him. An affair is a huge ego buster.

Melody..(sorry.. was trying to post with kids in and out of my office...)

Yes contact is ended with OM. I did not send a letter. I am not sure it would make a differece with my spouse anyway. I can.. i ahve no problem doing it. He was just a [censored]ed mistake anyhow. He meant nothing. Contact ended in march/early april? and i hadnt had naything to do with him since february til end of march/april. Contact had resumed out of the fact that he was in a group/town project and it couldnt be avoided. THough i would have rather died than resume that contact. Then he got my number from a mutal "friend" and i talked with him a couple times. I realized that this is boring. None the less.. i have no interst in conversation or anythin else with this person.

I will send the letter. He no longer lives in this area, not sure how to get that letter to him, but id sure do it in a second.

I guess what i was looking for is suggestions on how to be a friend to someone you have been married to for 15 years? How do u revert back to frienship only when you have 15 years of intimacy, kids to raise, jobs to do.. and dealing with someone who would rather u just didnt exsist that to help rebuild this relationship? tsk tsk.. im lost and want my H desperately.

When i tell him I love you.. he does tell me i love you back. Not sure how much he means it.. but i take it as he does love me.. just really really hurt.. and i hope not too hurt for healing.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: Loving4Him ]</small>