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One conflict that I am having with H is that several of his "mates" are also cheating on their wifes also. They all cover for each other. I know their wifes, although not very well, but I feel awful that I know & they don't. H has told me that since he has been found out, that they have given up their G/F's as well. Seems that they don't want to go through what we are. I don't want to have anything to do with these guys & don't want H to either, but H says that is just being stupid on my part. H says that I should let them all sort "it" out for themselves & not interfere. They have not had very much contact with H since D day, probably don't want to see me. They all would go away together, but now my H won't be going anywhere with them. What would you do? This is a hard one to answer. All have children.
WH 52
BS 48 (for 1 more day)
DD 24
DS 22
D-day 10th November 2003
H had several A's over 10 yrs
Working at staying together forever
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Husband needs to independantly seperate himself from these "friends"...
people who enable/encourage such gross painfilled behavior....
are insidiously dangerous...
hubby needs to bail from that situation...
one of the little consequances of his actions...
ark
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> Husband needs to independantly seperate himself from these "friends"...
people who enable/encourage such gross painfilled behavior....
are insidiously dangerous...
hubby needs to bail from that situation...
one of the little consequances of his actions...
ark </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ARK is 100% right.
Once I made a decision that my CONVICTIONS and STANDARDS were different than my so-called friends, I DETACHED from them. No need to send a NO CONTACT letter, but in mind, spirit and body I removed myself from their association. Most of the people I knew not only enabled A's they encouraged them. Heck! These guys would hang around and compare EXPLOITS, set up rendezvous, share apartments and getway locations for access to OW. There are MANY men who see cheating as NO BIG DEAL, that is until their W's have an A!
Your H has to be the bigger MAN and redefine what that term means. I did it, and I can tell you this, in the face of all my adversities, struggles and pains, IT FEELS DANG GOOD TO DO THE RIGHT THING!
I won't let that feeling of pride and integrity be taken from me and I will not allow others to make me feel inadequate, weak or like I'm missing something because I'm a ONE WIFE/WOMAN man! I embrace it knowing by doing so I have the opportunity to experience something they do not, TRUE CONNECTION without GUILT.
Misery Loves company!
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What you should do?
Stand your ground on the negative impacts of his poor association how him being so closely associated with people who have little or no regard for M or committment makes you feel insecure.
Ultimately, it's his decision to change his associations, but he should know that this is a important issue for you, and your M.
IMVHO, It's time for your H 2 grow up.
...and my comments are not a reflection on you, so please don't take them personally. My comments are based on my experiences and my convictions of what works for me and what didn't.
All the best,
FM
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Dear Eyesopened,
I guess you want to know if you should tell the wives of these guys what they have been up to.
In this case I would say - yes, if you possibly can. These guys seem to make it a "sport" and there is no telling if they'll have unprocted sex etc. So not even considering the emotional side of these A's, there is the real danger of them infecting their wives with something.
I would say these women have a right to know what their H's are up to.
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This q is really a two parter...
How it affects your M...
Your H should not be socializing with people who live this way. They will influence him. This can not be helped, we are all influenced by what we allow to be in our lives..he must break all contact.
What to tell their G/Fs and wives...
Tell them what you know . Not what you suspect, what you know. Be prepared for them to completely disregard anything you have to say. It has been my experience that there is a culture associated with this type of behavior..and it is very victim oriented. I can not tell you the frustration of trying to get across to someone in this mindset that, no, they do not have to deal with or put up with this. Deaf ears, until I am all out of kind words. They will lick the plate clean for the drama..and then go back for more unless they are truly as in the dark as you think.
Sad story? The G/F of one of my Hs former friends sat on my sofa on a Thurs crying about how badly she was being treated..woe is me..what can I do..etc. On that Fri she went with him to a party and told people that I needed to loosen up. Then they got married. Then he kept cheating. A few weeks ago she had a black eye. 'Nuff said. If there is an entire social circle of low behavior I'd disengage pronto. Best solution? Don't be there.
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My best friend is an idiot when it comes to M and R's. Yesterday for instance, I talked to him for a couple hours about my W's absence, her withdrawal and how I was implementing Plan B. He went on to suggest I move on for the time being, find another women to spend time with and so forth. He kept telling me, "you're wife isn't being a wife to you so why not pursue other women and enjoy your life?" He even went so far to add: "No one would think less of you if you dated or met some other women right now, your wife isn't being a wife!" I stopped him there and asked him who were these people who wouldnt think worse of me? People like you? Friend you wouldn't think worse of me if I robbed a bank, mugged a nun or mooned a priest. You're like a brother to me and nothing I do will make you not respect me. I must respect myself. You can do as you wish, you're single! I am married and I'm still married whether my W's losing her mind or not!" I did not take my friends selfish advice. He meant well for me, but not well for my M or my family. My wife came home 5 hours later and agreed to M counseling, writing a No Contact letter and saving our M. Does my friend love me: YES! Does my friend give good R advice: NO! I don't need to separate from him because I'm strong enough to navigate my path without his advice now, but there was a time when he did influence me. I have accepted he gives very poor advice regarding M and why should he? He has 2 children from 2 different women and he's 36 and his longest R was 3 years back in College. Just my thoughts on a Saturday afternoon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <small>[ September 04, 2004, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>
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FM,
Sometimes I am amazed by the posts on this site. I just got off the phone with my best friend and his advice was exactly what you had received.
F is like a brother to me and I love him with all my heart but NO WAY am I listening to this advice. It's my face I have to look at shaving every am
<small>[ September 04, 2004, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>
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Hurray for you FM! I love to see a person following their own convictions & not going along w/the crowd just b/c they're friends. You will know when your friend respects you if he respects your decision to stand by your M. He may not agree w/it for his own personal reasons, but respecting your decision is a whole different ball game & shows that he truly loves you as a friend.
Love in Christ,
Y
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters: My wife came home 5 hours later and agreed to M counseling, writing a No Contact letter and saving our M.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FM...Am I reading another one of your stories? Did I have three beers tonight?? Did I really read this??? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> For now, this is all I have to say!
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edited due to thread jacking...sorry, eyes!
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