I was wondering for any WS who decided to reconcile and stop their affair. What made you decide to start trying again in your marriage? What did your spouse do that made you want to try? Did you feel guilt during the affair?

Extreme guilt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Why did I stop, the thrill was gone, I no longer had the desire to fuel OM. I no longer wanted to hurt my H, and his W.

I never thought during the heat of it, the pain it would cause when it came out, but I was seeing the pain in OM's W. She was miserable, and fighting desperately for her M. My H was clueless, poor darling man.

I could no longer stand how disrespectful OM was to my H. I never fell out of love with him, my H, and I wanted my M back.

OM was trying to force me into leaving. That was never an option for me. I have a great life, I just selfishly took a break from it.

(yes, I realize how ugly that sounds, I truly hate writing it. I'm just trying to be honest.)

I couldn't stand myself any longer. I was shut down from everybody I cared for. Too shamed to face them. I needed to free myself from the sin.

To answer one more of your Q, my H did nothing different to make me want to stop the A. I was just done, it had ran its course for me. It lasted 4-5 months. I just couldn't do it any longer.

After my A was exposed, my H plan A'd me. Without knowing anything about plan A. I didn't even know, until I came to MB.

My H is completely different, it is like a lifetime of plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Unconditionally love, a wonderful gift from God, it brings forgiveness.

My M will last, I want this to bring you hope. I love my H, and I'm very sorry for the pain I caused him.

I now have to live with the fact that this choice that was all mine and mine alone has destroyed a part of my M, my H, myself, and also, OM's family.

KY

Thank you so much for your reply. Up until recently my husband has shown no remorse,hurt, or guilt. Just last week was the first time I saw real pain in his eyes when he knew I was hurting.

When he was calling her and I knew and he came home late he would come in and just sit there holding his head in his hands. Then he keeps saying he does not want to hurt me anymore like this. But continues. His only option right now is to leave me.

This weekend he went to be with OW again. I am afraid that even though he feels my pain that he is unable to break free from his affair. I am hurting so bad tonight. I miss him. I don't understand how he could just not care at all about me anymore. I am 7 months pregnant and have my 3 year old son and 9 year old stepson here. He has turned his cell off since yesterday afternoon. I cannot reach him. He doesn't even care that there may be an emergency.

So I think my only option now is for me to ask him to go. I can't take anymore of this.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I myself never could have looked my H in the face, seeing his pain, and then return to OM.

How long has his A been going on? How sad, that he is missing out on his family, and your growing belly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How's your pregnancy? Are you miserable with it, because of the stress? I loved being PG. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm sorry your so down, and your H is so lost.
Do you listen to country music? I heard a great song today, by She-daisy (sp) I will try and find the words. It is sad, but still a great song.

I'll be back. KY

This is a beautiful song, I thought of many MB friends when I heard it.

Come Home Soon

I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed

I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same
bright star

I wonder, I pray

[Chorus:]
And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon
(Come home soon)

I know that we're together
Even though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart

I wonder, I pray

[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge:]
I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance

I wonder, I pray

[Second Chorus:]
I sleep alone
I cry alone
Without you this house is not a home
So please, come home soon

[Third Chorus:]
I walk alone
I try alone
I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone
So please, come home soon

Come home soon
Come home soon

That song brought more tears to my eyes...It is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

To answer some of your questions. My husband met the OW online about 3 years ago. In Dec 2002 he met her in person for the first time. She lives in South Carolina which is about 10 hours from here. So they do not see each other that much. But in the last 3 months they have seen each other once a month. There is daily phone contact. Which is usually over a hour each day.

My pregnancy is going well. The baby is growing and seems healthy. I just hate all the stress I feel because I know that is not healthy for the baby. What should be a happy moment in our lives has been destroyed by my husbands affair. He really feels the baby was a mistake and feels even though I am pregnant that should have no say in if he stays or not.

I wish I could just turn my heart off like him. I still love and want him so much but I know that this cannot continue. He has disrespected me to long.

For me extreme guilt is an understatement... I mean I felt guilt when I was with OW, not with OW. There was nothing differnt that my LW did that made me want to stop the A, I wanted to stop the A everyday, but didn't have the strength/courage to do it, (sounds like an excuse I know). But on the other hand, EVERYTHING my wife did made me want to work on my M, everytime I looked at my kids, I wanted to work on my M. Recovery is hard, withdrawal is harder, I struggle everyday...

fogless...

Fogless,
My husband tells me that when he is with OW he has no guilt and doesn't think about me. Said he feels that is strange so that made him realize that he doesn't love me like a husband should.

I want to give up. But like you I look into my darling sons eyes and that makes me want to try harder to save my marriage. But I cannot save it alone. I really think my husband is so deep into the fog that he doesn't even care for his kids at the moment.

I stopped the affair because it was wrong and it was destroying my spiritual and emotional health.

The decision to stop it had nothing to do with my marriage. The (bad) decision to enter into it did, though.

smll,

Sounds like he is DEEP in the fog.. He says he doesn't feel guilt, but he does.. When I was with OW I felt great, but still had guilt. Had the same feelings your H says he has, felt like I didn't love my W like a husband should, felt like I was no good for either of them, my W or the OW. I wanted to tell my wife about the A every chance I had, because then I thought that would force me to stop, give me a reason. I eventually realized I had 3 wonderful reasons, my W and two wonderful kids...

My thoughts, if he insist on seeing the OW, phoning her, etc. then he should not be doing it while under the same roof with is W. As long as you allow the A, it will continue. He needs to decide if he wants to work on the marriage and move forward. Let him know you love him, regardless of the A, that you want to work on the marriage, want to make things better between the two of you.

Hang in there..

fogless..

SML, I didn't decide to end the A. OM told me he was never going to leave his w and he wanted to make his m work.

I went back to my m because I had no other choice.

BUT, after d-day and I saw the devastation, hurt and pain I had caused I was determined to make my m the best in the world and love my H like I'd loved him for 27 years before I "rewrote" our history.

He plan A'd his butt off, much like KY's H, without even knowing what a plan A was. And true love and commitment (H and I) won through.

I didn't feel guilty during the A because I thought I was in love with OM and wanted him to leave his w.

H and I are now very happy and in love again. TWICE this weekend he has already done things to fill the old LB. On Friday night we went to a "cover" band concert with friends which he would NEVER have done before and he enjoyed it. Pre A he would have said "I'm not going to that crap." And this morning when we woke up he said "Let's go out for breakfast." - something else he would never have done before.

Jen

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

I would like to add a question to smll's post, and she might find the information relevant as well, so hopefully she will not mind the seme-threadjack.

If any WS's separated from their spouse, truly believe at the time that the affair didn't facilitate that (I need space, I like living alone..I just don't think I want to be married right now)...add further that maybe you even ended the initial affair and really were living on your own (maybe dating, maybe not).

-What made you decide to go back?
-Did you ever have the thought, "I made my bed, I'll lie in it", even though you knew your spouse was willing to work towards forgiveness and reconciliation? Did you just feel like there was no going back?
-Did it take a lot of forgiving YOURSELF before you could go back?
-Was it a good thing or a bad thing that your spouse was being a friend and "giving you space" (a little bit of cake eating)

I've accepted that it's a good possibility that my husband will see single life as the better alternative to marriage. But I'm still committed to trying for a reconciliation until he files and the divorce is final. We still talk quite a bit and are very friendly..plan is to see each other every other month (we've had one visit so far). We have some R talks, but very few these days and I've definitely thrown away the desperate and needy girl. But I do find myself just saying "whatEVER" more and more often and his childish behavoir is starting to slightly drain my reserves. I've thought about Plan B either right before holidays or right after..depends on whether he invites me to spend holidays with him. Just not sure which track is the right one.."friend" or "dark". I understand this could be different for everyone. What I do wonder is whether it's realistic to expect that he MIGHT get bored with the "single life" (pretty sure it's a 28 year old's MLC cuz he pretty much fits that decription <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Thanks if anyone can answer to any of this.

Hi, just had hell of a couple of days. I am the OM, married and the OM had his d day about 2 months ago. He didn't deny us to his W but I was never exposed to my H by her. I told my H the other day about my A and that I was willing to work with him to try to save the M. I also told him that

1) I was not in love with him and probably never was. But that I saw many great things in him and if I married him, that was my decision and something that I should try to stick to.

2) I have no guarantees that we will work but that I will end the A and have NC.

H was and still is shell shocked but he does not want me to have NC with OM (!!!???) He says he has suspected long ago and thinks that me and OM at the end of the day have a very good friendship - something that he might not be able to give, given that he cannot change his character. He says that NC will make me go into withdrawal and he doubts that we would be able to contain that and I might do something stupid like leave him and will not be able to ensure the A ends. He would prefer that we continue speaking if we must - but not seeing each other.

In answer to your question what were the reasons? The reason was that it had come to the place and time when you cannot deny to yourself that what you are doing is dishonest, disrespectful and bad to everyone in a 10mile radius. It is the desire to make something good our of something bad. I have no idea where this is taking me as I love OM. But my H came first and I owe it to him and to us to try to make the M work. If it doesn't and I am still not happy, then I will leave, on my own accord and if OM has been working on himself and his M and finds himself in teh same place, then we might have a chance.

Wish me luck.

What did your spouse do that made you want to try?
======== Nothing. He was just himself. He was not better or worse. Think the decision usually has nothing to do with spouses' behavior, just the WS's mental state.

Did you feel guilt during the affair?

======== Yes but obviously not enough to stop it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
he doesn't love me like a husband should</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Change the gender and my WW said EXACTLY those words to me. It means ILYBINILWY. It stings because it shows how unexciting our M had become her WW, but then it doesn't sting because the A passion was not for the OM but for how it made WW feel. WW was in love with feeling 'in lust'. OM was good affair material but in now way a life partner choice. I find it odd that A partners are not typcally good life partner material. Seems to be 'right place right time' type stuff.

Maybe still is, dunno. Long way to go yet.

I hope some day my WW will post on here. Once she is recommitted to our M.
Kiwi Jen, your comment is inspirational to me because it shows that a WW can return and work hard to rebuild a M even when they are 'forced' through practicality or convenience, not (initially) Love for BS to return. I feel thats where my WW is.

Thanks for all your responses. I guess right now with my situation I see no hope unless God convicts my husband and the OW. My husband is very deep into the affair and the fog. I haven't decided what to do when he comes home tonight.

First I thought plan B. Now I am not so sure. I am going to write him a letter basically telling him I still love him and how I feel about the whole thing. Then I am going to tell him that I still want to work on the marriage but I cannot do that until he is ready to commit and do NC and prove to me certain things. If he still feels he wants to leave then I am going to tell him he has two weeks to find somewhere to stay. Then once he goes the only contact I will accept is email and that will be only about kids or financial questions.

I feel that when he gets home that he will tell me that he is sorry that he does not want this anymore just like he said all the other times. Usually I would say please try or please don't go but no more of that. I am going to say I understand do what you feel you have to do. I am going to make him sleep on the couch and pretty much going to live my life until he leaves without involving him. Kind of showing him I am going to move on and survive with or without him.

I don't know if this is the right approach. Any advice or ideas would be helpful.

But my greatest prayer is that he comes home and says he had a terrible weekend and realized he was wrong and wants to commit. Some will say wake up SML but I truly believe with God all things are possible. But I also know that maybe that is not God's will right now and I am going to have faith that God will help me through this with or without my husband.

My prayer is the same as yours SML. WW is probably packing right now to come back from her trip to OM town. However, I have to prepare myself for the possibility that she will do exactly as she has said and move out.

I think that right now WW is still very much being stubborn and hardheaded when she is confronted with reality. I am still trying to Plan A but when the time comes and I feel it will I will suck it up and go to Plan B as you are.

Good Luck.

C.