After struggling with her talking to the OM, I lost it last night. Nothing physical but I told her she could no longer conduct her affair and live her. I shouted at her and probalby said some things in angry that I should not have said. As I mentioned in a previous post, I took the separation papers to the lawyer on Friday for final preparation and I am hoping to get them signed Tuesday or Wednesday. I told her that I wanted her out by Friday of next week and that I would but her a plane ticket to OM's town. She has now gotten very angry at me but that is alright. I met with my theraphist today and she told me that my new name is doormat. To get her out of the house now. Not to let her use and abuse me. To go about life as if she isn't here. Set my own schedule, go paly golf-I don't have to report to her where I'm going. No more doormat. I had it. She needs to be with OM and let him meet her needs because I certainly can't do it any more. I am losing my love for her rapidly now. It is time.

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: hopefulinnc ]</small>

H, I understand your position, and I expect to be there myself soon if NC is not maintained.be strong br'a. I lost it the other nite too. WW very angry and hurt as a result but GOSH it was good to get that out there ! Now I am shovelling up the mess * sigh *

be strong mate

hopeful -

Sorry things are going the way they are. I think most of us lose it from time to time. It is very stressful going through this.

Hang in there, because things will get much better. I promise you that. I have been in Plan B for over a year and it is quite pleasant.

Believer-thanks for your response. I am scared as hell of being alone but I can't put up with A continuing in my house. I'm done with it. She needs to now get going. How do you survive being alone? I've got kids I can visit but during the week I will be alone.

hopeful -

Well, I guess you get used to being alone. I have never been alone before, so at first it was miserable. But life goes on.

I let all of my friends and neighbors know that I wanted to get out and do things. They have been very supportive.

Now WH has been gone so long that I don't think about him or miss him. Life is better without him.

You will be okay, whether your wife shapes up or not. Hopefully she will.

Right now I'm scared and feely lonely. She has given me no choice. She won't end the A. So I'm ready to Plan B. But I know I will miss her (The woman I married) not this woman.

Of course you will miss the woman you married. But I think it is better that you stood up for yourself. Otherwise you could lose your love for her.

If she leaves, time for Plan B, which is actually very pleasant once you get the hang of it.

Also start planning things to keep busy.

Thanks-I have plenty to do around the house. I will play more golf. Got to get busy re-financing.
I am going to let my friends know that I want to get out. Thanks again for your support.

You are still very new in this, but things do get much better. I promise.

And your wife may still come back. Plan B often does the trick. So don't be lonely and scared - you might even like being without her.

Hi Hopefulinnc,
how do you not be lonely? I'm glad you asked.

See your kids
Join a club
Start dancing
run around the block
talk to a stranger (take care with this one)
go scuba diving
read a book
watch tv
write in a journal
learn to ski
learn to surf (are you near a beach)
fish
cook
play footy
or cricket
or softball, baseball, basketball, etc etc
help out at a charity
talk to a friend
help out a mate

get the idea? just keep busy and eventually time alone will not bother you. Just choose to be with others or to keep busy. It will also relieve the stress.

For some time you've been part of a couple and now you need to learn how to be you again. Try lots of things and find one or two you enjoy.

As much as you care for this woman, there comes a time to take a stand and only you will know when that time is.

Seahorse-I've taken my stand. The time is now. I will not put up with this anymore. I hope to have the legal work done next week. Then she can be as she calls it "freedom bound".

Just ignore her hurtful talk and remember to protect yourself. You will be OK. Enjoy your golf.

HINC,

Listen to these folks they are giving you great advice. I'll over you just one more piece of advice, put a smile on your face. Learn to laugh again, and I guarantee that you will not be lonely long. People are attracted to people that smile and laugh and they enjoy being around them.

I know you don't feel like it now, but DECIDE to enjoy any experience you have once your W leaves. This does not mean you won't be down or lonely, but I think you will find that it will be less than you think.

Hang in there HINC, this too shall pass.

God Bless,

JL

JL-I'm thinking of letting her go wothout a Plan B letter. I am through with this sh**. I don't know if I want this marriage in fact I know I don't although I still love the woman I married-she is not here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopefulinnc:
<strong> Thanks-I have plenty to do around the house. I will play more golf. Got to get busy re-financing.
I am going to let my friends know that I want to get out. Thanks again for your support. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you a member of a church? Are you active in there? Its amazing the people that God will put in your life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hopeful -

Please stick with the MB program, and go to Plan B. Then if your wife does not change into the woman you love, you will know that you did the very best that you could.

Plan B gets very pleasant, and gives you a chance to get off the roller-coaster, and get some self-esteem back.

I have been going thru this for 19 months, and did not do a perfect Plan B, but did the best I could. I have the peace of mind of knowing that there was nothing else to do to save the marriage.

JL and believer have good advice.

I too did not do plan B very well, however I have not spoken to X-H since every thing was finalised maybe a year ago. I guess I'm in plan B and I'm better off that way. Its not always easy but life's like that whether you have someone or not.

As JL says, DECIDE to be happy. Its the only way things will turn around and it will build momentum. You may slide backward sometimes, but you will know what to do to pick yourself up again.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Everyone must have a moment of blow up...good for the soul <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> i dont know how you could have gone on without it...take care...plan B will be good for you...our WS is no longer the same person we married...they are aliens from outer space... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

HINC,

I was thinking about you last night. I was wondering if you should go to plan B when she leaves or not. I agree that Plan B is should you should ultimately be IF she has a lot of continuing contact with you or you are really losing the love you had.

However, here are my thoughts.

1. One Plan B is to preserve the love you have for your W, where constant contact is draining that love.

2. Plan B is to protect you and at the same time state boundaries for any future contact: OM must go.

So how does plan B preserve the love you have? It does it by removing this person from your life.

Your W is leaving and moving more than a 1000 miles away. You will NOT just run into her at the store.

Your W will not be in your house or using your phone or anything else.

Your W is essentially doing her own plan B on you.

Then I thought. SHe has been in this affair for 5 years. She has hung around beyond when your son left for college. She would NOT leave you until she had someone lined up, and she is NOT sure about that.

So why use plan B now? I am thinking that once she is there afew months, she will have doubts and she will reach out to you. Now that reaching may drive you nuts, if so Plan B immediately. But, it may also be the chord that brings her back.

So if it does NOT drain you stay in plan A for awhile to see how this works out. Then if the contact such as it is bothers you give her the plan B letter.

I do fear she will try to use you to come home on Christmas or something, and then go back to OM when He is done celebrating Christmas with his family. It is something to worry about but NOT NOW.

Send her off and see what happens. Then if the new situation warrents it go to plan B. In many ways you will be in plan b when she leaves anyway.

Those are my thoughts. It just seems to me that plan B is to preserve love not punish or seek other actions. And her action (leaving) will accomplish most if not all of it anyway. If she contacts you all of the time, if this contact bothers you or causes you pain, THEN go to plan B. But I think the idea that the door is open my prove to be seductive.

Just some thoughts to add confusion to this whole mess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

hopeful -

Listen to JL - he is the expert here. He has guided many through messes as bad as yours.

Keep reaching out to friends and getting out and doing things. It takes some time and effort, but is so worth it.