JL-my reason for asking about Plan B is my love is going quick. I don't that I want her back. So no Plan B letter. But you make a lot os sense. It will be an essentially a Plan B with her so far away. I am hopeful that she will sign tomorrow or the next day. If she does not then I will institute other legal action to get her out. I don't want to do it that way because 1. it cost more for legal and 2 it gives her more time. But damn it this is going to end in my house. Thanks for keeping up with me. Your advice is always welcome.

hopeful -

Why not approach her lovingly and let her know that you are sorry for the way the marriage is going, and sorry for your contributions. Then let her know that you cannot keep her anymore when she wants her freedom. Let her know it is not fair to either of you.

It would be much better if she left willingly. Forcing her out will just add more fuel to her unhappiness.

HINC,

There is no doubt you cannot take much more of her "in your face" behavior with the phone calls. You are a better man than I. So if she were to be around getting her out and going to plan B would be top priority.

But, I think once the papers are signed and she is out, there will be no need for plan B unless she starts calling you all of the time and talks but does nothing (that will drain the old love bank as well). You always have that in your pocket.

But I think with or without plan B she will be out of the house. If you have to go to legal means do it. I am suspecting she is NOT nearly as sure as you think. Oh! she is sure of the fantasy, but the reality is another thing and leaving you, means she has no back up if OM dumps her and does NOT leave his W.

I am betting that he won't. They will have rough times but he will stay. Your W will be out there and a parttime toy for him, but that will get old.

What she is worrying about is that is all it will be and YOU will have "left the building" so to speak, so there she is on her own.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I would bet good money she fears "being alone" far more than you do. You will be alone in a town you know, with long time friends, your church, golf, job, and your children's support. She will be alone in a strange town, no job, no friends, and no support from her children.

Trust me if she ends up alone she will have to endure much more than you and she fears this. On the one hand she has thrown down the gauntlet, but on the other I am betting she would of sort of like to pick it up again. You must remember all of her actions have been about her, and making herself feel better, happier, and having more fun.

She is very likely realizing that her actions may not accomplish this goal. And it may come to pass that YOU find that there are women out there that are much more fun, interesting, honest, and loving than your W has been for the last decade or so.

Smile HINC, it will drive her nuts, but move her out of the house and THEN decide if Plan B is necessary. You are losing a lot if she leaves, but you KNOW what you are losing and you are dealing with it. She does NOT know what she is losing and when she finds out, she will realize she has lost much more than she bargined for.

I do believe the woman has some things to be honestly concerned about don't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HINC, have patience and rely on your faith. This too shall pass.

God Bless,

JL

My lawyer just called and we set up an appointment for 5pm tomorrow. Now my wife is very angry and crying. She said I couldn't help now, I should hve asked that question 28 years ago. Reality is hitting.

The wife went to sleep crying and sobbing at 2 am last night. The appointment to sign the separation agreement must have rattled her. But this hard headed, defiant woman said she was going to do it. She also has another problem in that our youngest son wrecked her car friday night and now she does not have transportation. Our son was OK and the other person invovled in the accident is OK. She is determined to leave me for the OM even with all the obstacles in her path. She told me that I could stop the "act" now. What "act" I asked. Being nice to me she replied. I told her it was no act that I am changing. I told I am sorry that it took this A to wake me up, to hit me with a 2x4. She also blasted me pretty good during our conversation. I offered to her that she didn't didn't have to do this but I would have to be sure that OM is out of the picture for good. She said you only loved me with the OM in the picture.

So today is the day we sign. I must say i am sad beyond belief. I told her as I went to sleep to get some rest that we have a hard, painful and sad day ahead of us.

Continue on, and be loving to her. She does not believe the changes in you, but she is noticing them. I still think she may not go. So if she is still sad today, try to make it easy for her to stay (with NC of course).

JL-did I blow it at lunch? I went home at lunch today and she was in tears and obviously distraught. We are supposed to sign the separation agreement later today. Well I played her a voice mail of her cell phone. It was OM's daughter's boyfriend says some very suggestive and down right hard core sexual stuff to my wife. She lost it with me. Says I am trying to manipulate her. I told her that I only was trying to convince that going down there in that mess is a bad move. Maybe i shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should not invade her privacy that way or any other way for that matter. As I left I told her I loved her and she said I don't need anybody else to "love" me very sarcasticly. What do you think? Did I blow it?

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: hopefulinnc ]</small>

HINC,

Well, yes that was probably a love buster, and really you don't need to hurt her any more. She is going to do this and she knows it, you know it, and all that is left is to sign the documents. Do that, tell her you love her but you don't like her much and let her go.

I am curious though why is OM's daughter sending her sexually suggestive phone messages? What has this got to do with her relationship with OM?

Personally, I think you want to do this with grace and care. No matter what you decide later, treat her as your W and someone you love. She is defending herself by claiming you are the bad guy. You know it is false and so does she. But let her know you know this AND you still love her.

This is tough stuff HINC. Get through it with class. You will feel better about yourself. You don't have to take lies or attacks but there is no reason to attack her either.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

JL-the OM's daughter has know about the A since D-Day. In fact she called me that night. Since that time she has been leaving ugly ugly meassages on her cell phone. The OM's daughter is a distraught spoiled 19 year old who hates what is happening.

Lunch time was probalby a LB. I have apologized to my W and I will conduct myself with class and treat her like my wife. Signing is scheduled for later today. I just got off the phone with my wife and she has calmed down. she told me she hung up on OM this morning because he pissed her off. This woman has painted herself into a corner and now is panicing in my opinion. I know I should not plead or beg now but that is my instinct. I want this woman. I don't want this.

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: hopefulinnc ]</small>

Alright you both sign the separation papers, does she have to move 1000 miles away?
I dont know the dynamics enough here but would it be better or worse for you if she got a unit where you are BEFORE she jumped 1000 miles.

Maybe some time without YOU she will realise what its like to be alone, and paying the long distance phone calls & getting all the verbal abuse from Oms family and etc etc.

Just a thought. I mean if she goes she goes but wondered if it was a viable option to discuss with her.

aussie2-yes that would be an option but she does not have a job and no means of financial support at the moment. She is headstrong and wants out. But I believe she is doubting the OM.

Hopeful,
You are not handling this thing very well are you? Why don’t you sit back for a moment and take a deep breath. It’s painfully obvious that both you and your WW have got yourselves into a situation that neither of you want to be in.

At this point your WW understands how serious you are about transporting her butt out of the house so you’ve made your point. She has heard you loud and clear. Now what you need to do is decide if this is what you really want. And if it isn’t then pride be damned! It’s up to you to give her a way out.

Why you ask? After all she’s the one that’s in the wrong! So here’s why. Because it falls to one of the two of you to assume the role of the adult in this situation and in that your foggy WW isn’t capable of getting herself out of this mess, it’s your responsibility to do it for her. It’s just that simple.

So what you need to do is take the time to sit down with her and talk about this mess? And no, I don’t mean argue, yell or scream. I mean try to make sense with her. Have a plan. Explain that all you want is for her to give the marriage a chance to recover. Then explain that for this to happen will require a period of no contact. Ask that she write a letter to that effect to the OM and then put forward the rest of your proposal. I.e., marriage counseling, date nights, safe words to use when conversation becomes to heated. Discussion of issues that you both agree need to be worked on for the marriage to survive.

Further, explain that the two of you have a huge history together and that you’re willing to accept her ideas and her complaints about your marital problems. Tell her that you’re willing to accept your responsibility for the state of the marriage but that she has hurt you beyond belief by having and affair. Then suggest a solution encompassing an agreement of radical honesty in your relationship as well as doing everything in the future under an agreement called the policy of joint agreement. These elements are the very heart and soul of MB. Read about them on this web site. Understand them.

You need to do something and do it right now. So why not give this suggestion a try. You don’t want to be divorced and neither does she. So be the bigger person here and show her the way out.

Coach.