WH,
When we first met I found myself falling in love with a talented, understanding and loving man. When you came around it’s like you brightened my whole day and I enjoyed being in the glow. You made me feel truly loved for the first time. In the beginning I was insecure in our love and always questioned your love for me, but you stood by me and proved your love till I was able to give myself completely to you. I also loved being a mother figure for your son. I so wanted both of you to love me and want me in your lives. It is now with true regret that we find ourselves in this situation now.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of your marriage. I did not see that you were unhappy. I know I may have listened, but I truly didn’t hear you. I believe if we both worked at keeping things alive and fresh, we might not be where we are today. I know I wasn’t filling your needs the way you needed. And I am sorry.

I have had 9 months to analyze what I could have done differently. I do not want a divorce. I would like a chance to show you we can put our marriage back together. I think I can show you the woman you would be proud to call your wife, as I have always been proud to call you my husband. I know we both can learn things from all of this, be able to forgive, and move forward. I truly believe we can rebuild our marriage that it can be better and stronger. It can be a marriage we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored.

At this time, I feel I need to separate from you to heal and protect myself. This is to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing anymore of the things we have shared. This period is for us both to heal and hopefully find our way back to one another. If in the future you do decide that you would like to fully commit to our marriage then I would be open to discuss it with you. But I need to know that you are committed and will need assurances that Alexis will no longer be a part of your life. The only contact that I will accept when you leave is by email regarding our children and finances only.

I truly love you and believe in you. As I have told you before, you are the best men I have ever been privileged to know. I know you are hurting deeply. I know that you feel I don’t deserve any of this. But we are human and all fall from time to time. Together we can repair the damage and work on a new beginning.

I love you,

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

Any suggestions about what might need to be changed or added?

The letter needs to be way, way, shorter. WS's tend to get confused if it is too long. Also leave out the part about betraying his principles.

The part about loving his son is good.

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

I'm no expert on Plan B letters but I really like your letter, it gave me shivers.

May God bless you and give you the strength you need to carry through with this Plan B.


Send the letter than put it in God's hands.

Good for you SML, we will all help you through this, so you can stick to it, especially when it gets hard for the first couple of weeks.

Weaver,
Thank you for your support. I am going to take it one day at a time. I haven't decided for sure what I am going to do yet. I will either give him the letter tonight or will hold off till things settle down. I don't want him to feel I am doing it out of spite.

I may want to do one more week of a good plan A then give it to him. I am not sure yet.

He still has his cell off because he is still with her. We could be hurt, dead or anything and he doesn't care enough to let his cell on or call to check on us.

The more I sit here the more I want to expose the affair to OW's father but I don't want to do that just yet. I don't want it to seem out of spite.

bump

SML - How are you doing today? Is he back? Stay strong and you will get through this.

How are you doing? Let us know we are worried about you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yeah, what Kloe said! What's going on over there? Hm? Hm? Hm? Enquiring minds want to know!

SS

Sorry to worry ya. I am still sitting here in limbo. It's like I don't want him to do the things he is doing but then I don't have the guts to tell him to go. He has his first IC session tomorrow which I am hoping he is going to go with the thought of wanting help. Not going just to tell her he doesn't want to try and to hear her say well then you should go there is nothing she can do.

I talked to her today and told her he was wanting to leave the home. She told me if he has these feelings and is set on it that maybe the best thing for him to do is leave. She said maybe he has to live out his fantasy to make him realize it's not reality. I know I can make it without him but I know I will also miss him. He has been part of my life for the last 7 years. How do you just turn those emotions off that you feel for them? She also said that it probably is not about the OW. It's more of he wants out of the marriage and she is more of his outlet at this moment. She also said that if he doesn't work out the issues now that no matter what relationship he gets into he will be back in the same chair later.

I told him the things she said. He says he realizes all of these things. Said he is sorry for hurting me. But I do not believe he is truly sorry. Or he would not do these things. He says because he did these things, does not feel commited like he should be, and allowed himself to fall for another person. He feels that this means he did not love me like he should and that he should not waste anymore of my time.

He still continues to call her. His cellphone is up to 250 minutes over his free minutes. He even let my 3 year old say hi to her today. He denies it but my 3 year old told me and it's pretty sad when you can trust a 3 year old more than your husband. The thing is I hear him say he wants to go but I feel that he really doesn't want to. Or he would have been gone by now. But I cannot stay like this for to much longer. I am just getting my things in order, praying, and hoping that our IC talks with him and can get somewhere with him tomorrow.

I can see though he is getting more and more distant. No more SF. Hardly touches me. And gets very angry all the time if I talk about what is going on. So I know these are not good signs. It looks like we are heading for seperation unless my prayers are answered soon. If not it is his loss and I know that he will regret it later down the road. And I will have no choice but to plan B

I don't know SML, but sometimes it seems to me that sometimes people just get on this road, and they need to get to the end of it. Not much you can do about it but let them go down it, and remove yourself from THEIR chaos and pain, until they get to the end of that road.

It is at this time, at the end of their road that you can be there to greet them. That is what the plan b is about, I think.

You can't stop someone from the path they must take, but you can be the lighthouse as ARK says, and nothing more, but nothing less.

If that makes any sense,

Weaver

Last night my husband comes in from my stepson's school meet the teacher night. He just had to call the OW again before he came in. He talked with her on his cell over 150 minutes yesterday. It seems now he has to call her in the morning, noon, and night. I told him I had enough.

When he was driving home Sunday night I told him if he was coming back home until he found somewhere to go then he was going to respect me. I told him no more calls and no more trips. He said that is fair. I also told him he was way over his cell minutes again and we cannot afford another 300.00 cell bill. He says he will not be using it anymore then calls again. It's like he cannot be responsible anymore.

Also after my 3 year old told me he talked to her that just left me stewing. I told him when he walked in the door that I thought about somethings. I told him I am not moving out of my home. I also told him I didn't care if he had to get 5 jobs when he moved out he was going to continue to pay the house payment and all the bills till I sell or move. He looked at me a kind of smiled. Like he was glad I stuck up for myself. Then said I will give you all I can.

Later we were talking about sex and he still insists that he did not have sex with her. Says that he feels that it isn't right to do that to her or me. Said if he ever has sex with her it will be when it is right. Meaning if we are seperated or divorced. I told him it will never be right because he will be leaving his kids and wife to do this kind of stuff. But I still don't believe him. He lied about everything else.

His IC appointment is today I really hope she can say something to make him think. My plan for me is to continue to focus on me. Also my stepson, son, and pregnancy. I don't think he is going to leave but soon he will see that I am not going to put up with him calling OW constantly either. My job really helps get my mind off things. I get so busy there that there is no time for anything but work. With what he is doing I am to the point where I just remind myself he is following a script. That this is not my husband and that he will realize one day that he made a mistake. But by then I may have moved on then he will realize he lost one of the best things he ever had. His loss.

SML,

Does your husband still read and post here? I've been thinking about one of the posts that he wrote here (I believe it was the Emotional Needs Forum) when he wrote about loving someone and then being left by that person only to raise the child that they made together on his own. There was a lot of pain in this post from him and I assume he is talking about the mother of his first son whom you stated left him for someone else and is no longer in the child's life. It seems that your husband has really struggled with this and he was essentially a betrayed spouse himself. How soon after this happened did you meet him? I get the feeling that he has never really resolved the issue of his former spouse/wife leaving him with the child and somehow this is still bothering him a lot. Now this does in no way excuse his current behaviour or justify the affair with the other woman. Sometimes I get the feeling that certain people "punish" the ones that they are closest to because of unresolved issues in their own lives. I believe that my husband is prime example for that. He had a terrible childhood with much trauma and sometimes I get the feeling that he hurts me because he can, because I will allow it and because I know how much he has suffered in the past.

This entire affair is probably not so much about you and what you are, have been or have not been and probably not so much about the OW either, but rather about his own demons that continue to haunt him. Unless, he resolves HIS issues, he will probably never be successful in any relationship whether it is with you or the OW. Your husband is now a father of three children by two different women. The OW is 20 years old and has her entire life ahead of her. I highly doubt that she will want to be bogged down with a man that has so many responsibilites. Right now, she is probably an outlet where he can be free of his demons. He can try to hide, but he will never be able to run from them....

Just something to think about...

Take care of yourself.

Kati

SML,

U R starting to identify your boundaries. U also sound like you are a bit scared t/b alone but if you can make it financially, emtionally, etc. U w/b fine.

As for any of his promises (even the good ones), don't count on it. When he says he won't call then does, use it as a gauge. His words are not reliable even the ones that says he 'will give you what he can'. Can't be trusted. Those are very misleading babble statements. He will put the phone bill ahead of house payments for you.

Here's my suggestion:

1. You can't stop him from calling OW, so..... tell him to stop using excess minutes. If the OW is such a great thing, let her pay for the minutes.

2. Write up and secure your financial/child support and separation agreement immediately. Yes, you need to have this as a backup plan. Be prepared for the fact that the OW and WS may start salivating at your financial assets which belong to your family. They often do this.

3. Get your plan B letter and get him out. He needs t/b out in reality ASAP.

4. Stop teaching him anything. You are spilling your beans and only making it harder for you.

5. When you make your separation agreement, indicate that there is a strange women who your H is trying to make your children meet. Regradless if this is an upstanding person or not, this is wrong. You can file RO orders. It w/b wise t/d a background check as well.

re: There was one WS in CA who took his young son (less than 1 year) to the OW, tried to get the OW and his son to take father's day pictures together. Talk about sick fantasies. His W caught them and freaked. I was on the phone with her for hours at that time trying to calm her down.

6. Never undestimate what a WS will do. They have already proved unfaithful, disloyal....what is to stop them from doing the same to others..... including the children?

take care,
L.

Kati,
What you have said I think is so true. When I met my husband it was about 2 years after his divorce. He was still somewhat sad and depressed. We dated for about 3 1/2 years before we got married. He was always sending me emails, cards, and poems about how much I have made him realize he could love again. That I brought so much happiness back into his life. And also that I was good with his son.

He posted here a couple times. I don't think he has posted anything lately. But I have a feeling he may come here and read. But I am not sure. Also my husbands father was not in his life. He is from Cambodia. Durning the war his mom and grandmother came over to the US and raised the 5 children by themselves. His father stayed in Cambodia with another woman and has I think 5 kids with her. His father about 8 years ago came to the US to live with his mom now. He has no respect for his father. I think with what has happened with that and his ex-wife there is a lot of issues he needs to resolve. And he is confusing that unhappiness with our marriage.

I often think about the OW. Why she stays involved with a married man with three children. Sometimes I feel like because he lied to her and never told her he was married or had kids till Dec that maybe she is just trying to see if she can get him. Once she does then she may just kick him to the curb. Sometimes I also think that maybe when they see each other she doesn't see the real picture. He has no kids with him, no responsibilty with her, nothing. So it's more of a fantasy that they are living. If he does leave me and eventually dates her then she will see that it's not all she thought.

Right now he is very depressed. I look at him and feel sorry for him. Even though he is causing me pain it hurts to see him sad and hurting. I really am stuck as to what to do. I look at him and truly feel he doesn't want to leave. If he did then why is he still there? But then I hear him tell me that he is not happy and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. So what do I do? I am holding off for a bit on plan B till he goes to IC. I am hoping maybe he will want to work his problems out and possibly work on our marriage. But I am also preparing for the worst to.

SML,

Your husband seems to have deep emotional and abandonment issues that have nothing to do with YOU, your children or the love that he feels for you. I'm very familiar with this type of problem because my own husband grew up in a very similar fashion and suffers from the same issues. This is not something that YOU can help him with though.

I know exactly how helpless you feel when you look at your husband who is so depressed and sad. Depression is a very serious illness. It seems that your husband is feeling very overwhelmed with the responsibilities in his life - his wife, children, mortgage etc. He tries to escape all the pain and hurt that he has experiences in his life as well as the responsibilities. He is probably very talented, passionate and emotional as a writer and poet and he feels that he will never be able to truly experience his life's passion while being tied down with a family, chilren and responsibilities. My husband is a musician and he acted very similar. He spent money like there was no tomorrow; didn't care about how the monthly bills were paid etc. He just lived for today. I think it was his way of not only escaping, but also purposely trying to hurt and punish me so that I will give up on US. Now, you are in a much more vulnerable position because you have children to care for. I would suggest that you follow Orchid's advice and seek legal advice regarding financial support for yourself and your family. Do not wait until you are in a dire financial situation. You need to act now. Your husband right now cannot be relied upon making sound decisions for his family. You have to be the strong person.

Your husband sounds like he is in a lot of pain, emotional pain and I will pray that the I/C will be able to help him. Don't worry so much about OW. There is no future for him with her and she is right now probably just an outlet for his pain. It will run its course and it will be over with. No 20-year-old wants a guy with so much baggage.

You are the only strong one in this family right now, SML. I know this is so hard, but I can see that you have come a long way and you will be alright. I think that in the end, your marriage will probably survive, but in the meanwhile, you will need to take action and protect yourself and your children from further harm.

I'm so sorry, Sweetie. You really did nothing to deserve this and this is all so confusing. Just hang' in there and keep your chin up.

Kati

Dear SML,

Some of the background you posted has enlightened your sitch. My H & I have worked with many
Cambodians. My H is fluent in the Cambodian language (H is causasian). One of the things we noticed was that the common practice for the men to have multiple families. The wives put up with it. It is quite sad. It is also a repetative lesson passed from generation to generation. But it can be stopped.

Consider making this point one of your boundaries. Know that there are many OWs out there willing to take any man. What nationality is the OW?

My H is not home right now, but maybe later if you want, mine can talk with your H. My H is an xws and maybe able to reach him where others can't. No promises but we can try. ok?

Here's my e-mail addy: mborchid2@yahoo.com
I don't check it every day so, let me know when you send an e-mail.

take care,
L.

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Orchid,

This is quite true and many times, cultural differences can bring an entire new set of problems (but also enrichment) to a marriage or relationship. My husband and I are also from different cultural backgrounds and this has brought many misunderstandings in our relationship. Nobody was really at "fault", but we didn't really understand where the other person was coming from. This can be very challenging in a marriage.

Kati