WH has on-off relationship of some sort. First he thought he loved her, now he just cares (his words). My MC said we have to build new good memories to replace old bad ones, ie do things together, spend time talking, etc. He agreed he would go with me to MC next week, but said, although he loves me, he doesn't know if he loves me enuf to be married. It's more he wants to stay married to keep the family unit together. Kids are all grown. OW never makes a pest of herself, which I wish she would. I am not threatened by her in any way except she seems to have my husband's attention. I don't think it wold last, but I think I am at the end of my rope. I need a decision badly, even if it is divorce, which I never did want. Should I keep trying? If so, how? Thanks for any help anyone can give me. I'm living on Xanax and want to stop.

Panne - I see you have been going thru this for some time. Only you know when enough is enough. I finally filed for divorce, because I was done.

Of course you are living on Xanax, your husband is involved with another woman and pretending to work on your marriage.

According to MB principles, you cannot have recovery until there is no contact with OW.

So that would be your first step, get rid of OW.

If you have been in Plan A, this is the first step. The second step being, if plan A did not end the affair would be to go to Plan B until the affair ends.

Have you ever read "Love Must Be Tough" , by Dobson?

He says that we won't get respect until we demand respect, and the longer you put up with this nonsense the less chance your marriage has.

Hoping not to sound harsh, but you don't need to be trying to work on your marriage while your WH is stitting on the fence. You need to be protecting yourself from pain, and putting together a plan.

Weaver

Panne,

I wanted to respond to you ... at first I didn't know what I wanted to say .... I think I figured it out.

Are you done? (As Believer said)

Will anything be accomplished by H going to MC w/ you?

H sounds like he's waffling (is that what they call "fog talk")

Don't do anything until after the MC appointment and see if h goes w/ you. then take it from there.

There I think I said what I wanted to and I meant it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there

Brown

Hi, sorry for this sadness. Am pretty new at this, myself.
My advice: Present, in front of the MC, the choices, 1) staying together and re-committing to one another, totally commiting to working everything out together, or, 2) divorce, understanding that there are terrible consequences (financial, etc.) to pay.

Now, please understand that I am in a brand-new recovery, so others may think their advice, based on more experience, is better. My situation, as briefly as posible:

Me- BS, age 49 Him - WH - age 43
3 kids, 18, 15, 9 M- 20 yrs

His PA - 15 months, OW is M, 2 kids (she, by her own admission, has had multiple PA's)
D-Day, 5/8/04

Since then, 1 lapse for him, 6/15/04, confessed immediately, without prompting. Agreed to NC. Then, I discovered on 8/26 that they had resumed e-mailing. He claimed to 'just care'. Bought and have begun to work on MB books and articles.

So, that's the second part of my advice: If you haven't already, buy 'How To Survive an Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs, Her Needs', all by Harley, and available here. Read them, highlight, show your H, and begin working together. I hope he can.

My WH began to realize the addictive nature of the PA/EA, only after reading about it. He also
began to understand the devastating and degrading betrayal of resuming contact, even though it wasn't physical.

One more thing (probably the most important) PRAY..........and pray together. I know this may sound weird, but it works. It took a lot of thought (and rehearsal) for me to say to my H, "I want to pray with you". I expected him to groan, laugh, roll over (it was bedtime), or otherwise outrightly refuse. What he said was, "Go ahead, you pray. I'll listen and pray silently." So I did. Like this: (Night 1) " Thank you God, for our M. Please guide us back to each other. Help strengthen us and our committment. We know we can't do it without You." Well, on the second night, he said 'Amen' at the end. On night 4, he added his own short piece. Now, a week later, he asks me to pray if I don't start spontaneously. WOW!
Anyway, sending prayers and best wishes your way.