Ethan, where are you? I haven't posted in a long time myself, but I always look for your updates and I've been wondering how things are going. Update us!

fhl!

Good to hear from you. Wondered how you were doing just the other day!

Believe it or not, I'm rarely on MB on the weekends, happen to pop in and look what I find....a post with my name on it!

How are things going? Hmmmmmm.....

Here is the My Struggle post from last week.

That's still pretty much where I'm at right now. I met with a couple of friends from church last week. It was the first time that I had spoken in depth with them about it. They both pretty much offered the same thing that my pastor did.....God is with me either way I go.

So I'm still fighting that battle with myself.....

Fighting between doing what is right for me, and being the foundation of my M.

Between seeing that perhaps WW is proving who she is, and not wanting to give up on someone who was a friend for the longest time.....

And that struggle is really eating at me.

Other than that, things are going pretty well...

How are things with you?

Ethan

Wow.
I read your last thread, and that'a all I have to say... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Whew...I have been scarce on this board lately because I have been afraid to talk about my life on here - afraid of being beaten to death by those dreaded 2x4's - I am good enough at beating myself up anyway...
But like I said before, I have always looked for your posts...you didn't know I was watching you did you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> hahaha
I think partly why I do that is because in a way I see in you the person I would have thought I'd have been in this situation, I see the person I feel guilty sometimes for not being. You have enormous strength, and I am constantly amazed by it. I have been close to God most of my life, and yet I could not muster this kind of fortitude. There are few people I respect as much as you.
I don't know how much of my story you remember, but my husband told me last July he didn't think he loved me anymore, but was in love with one of my best friends, etc. Yet he has always denied anything physical. I Plan A'd for 5 months. I did nothing but be the perfect wife, but inside I was dying, hungrily eating up any crumb he would drop to me. Well, In January, I found out from OW that he was moving out while I was visiting my sister out of town, which he did. I found out about many more betrayals during that time. I became so sick, I wonder now, looking back how I made it, how I was able to care for my girls. I couldn't eat on and off for about a month. Many days I probably had less than 200 calories, and then I was sick to my stomach, so you know how that goes...Many days I was too weak to really function. It was like I was being eaten alive from the inside out. I had been so dead set on saving our marriage for so long, holding on no matter what, and I had been dealing with all this for about a year and a half. But it was killing me.
After he moved out, I began to make some really naive chioces (remember I've been the good girl my whole life, married as a virgin at 18, so when I say naive I mean it) and ended up getting taken advantage of by someone I thought was a friend. Suddenly, I just didn't care anymore - my husband was gone, continuing to carry on with my friend, he had told me before he wouldn't care if I was with someone else, it wouldn't bother him, nothing I could do would hurt HIM. Hurting myself? That hardly entered my mind - I was so hurt as it was I felt like there wasn't much left of me to hurt. And from there I ended up in another situation where I did get hurt, hurt worse than I thought possible and yet I knew I was alive again. I was more alive than I had probably ever been. I can't go into detail on that situation because this is a public forum, so it's hard to explain in such general terms.
Anyway, I now see that I had Plan A'd way too long. I had run myself into the ground. I sent him a letter stating that I was done crying, and trying and if he ever wanted me back he'd have to win me back. I listed the requirements he would face if he wanted to return, such as NC w/ OW, etc, which he basically laughed at. I knew it was over, I knew I couldn't take anymore, and I knew he wasn't going to change.
Then I met someone incredible, someone who had been through it all too, someone who understood me, who WANTED commitment, accountability, WANTED to meet EN's, someone who saw their own faults and worked to change them. Basically someone who had everything he didn't and was willing to give it all to me. At the time it all began, I was so disconnected from WH, and it felt so strange to be doing something I would have NEVER imagined myself doing EVER, yet it didn't. (Boy, that made sense) At the time, my crazy plan was that I would wait it out and let WH do what he was going to do anyway (divorce me), and if by some chance he said he wanted to try and work it out, he'd have to agree to that list (which he'd NEVER do), and if he did, then I would tell him about all that had happened and if he forgave me AND agteed ti the list, i would know I had to give it a try because it would truly be a miracle. However, I didn't really want him back anyway after I allowed myself to stop repressing all the horrible things he had done to me and actually let them sink in. But for my kids, I'd do just about anything.
Well, he found out about everything on his own and proceeded to file for D. It was pretty funny - all he had done to me and I had shown nothing but mercy and love to him. It was just a perfect excuse for him to file and not look so bad for doing it. Which in a way, i wonder if at some point that's not what I was hoping for - something, anything to just end my misery, whatever the end was.
After this, of course, he continued to talk to, and travel to see OW. All of our interactions have been civil, even friendly. He has said he's sorry for hurting me. (His attitude has always been: sorry but oh well, can't change it). Meanwhile, I was swinging between being incredibly happy and secure for the first time in so long and feeling guilty about not being stronger and hanging in there longer. It was hard not to be the one who does it all right, it was hard to admit to myself that I was this human. But at the same time, it was this person who had pulled me out. I was dying, and now I'm living.
It's weird because I have always been such a black and white type person. I would have said to someone else, "well, God should have been the one to pull you out". I wish things were really that easy, that cut and dry. Maybe they are. But maybe not. I wanted that to happen, but it wasn't happening. I was withering away, inside and out. And I'm sure that's my own fault too, I probably was not doing something right in the way I was trying to rely on God...
I have learned so much from all this though. I've definitely learned to be less judgmental. I've learned that things aren't always so cut and dry. I've gained so much compassion for others, and I have definitely been humbled.
I have gone back to school full time, and I finally have a dream for my own future.
I am to the point now that it is truly over. There are no more what if I do this? Only what if I had done this or that differntly? And I am gradually doing a lot less of that. The only real regret I have is not being able to look back and be 100% satisfied with myself and they way I handled things. I am trying to show myself a little of the mercy I showed him. Especially since I do know how much I gave to him, how much I took from him for so long, how hard I tried. And he knows that too. He has told me so. He knows how much I suffered and how awful he was, but he's not sorry enough to change it, and he will admit that. Like someone else said, I grieved for the man I loved a long time ago. He is dead. In his place is a big block of stone, a shadow of the man he once was.
So that is what's going on with me...a long answer to a short question, huh? Basically I am in the process of making peace with myself and moving on with my life, moving past all the drama and the hurt.
You are blessed that you will never have to make peace with yourself over this, Ethan. You are truly a model to all of us.
I think you will know when to move on. Maybe you could think about contacting her if you need closure before you make that decision? Maybe to answer some of your questions about why she hasn't filed? Maybe that would help. But obviously, I'm no expert...
Thankyou for listening to me ramble on. Well, now this is out there, and I will brace myself...

Wow.
I read your last thread, and that'a all I have to say... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Whew...I have been scarce on this board lately because I have been afraid to talk about my life on here - afraid of being beaten to death by those dreaded 2x4's - I am good enough at beating myself up anyway...
But like I said before, I have always looked for your posts...you didn't know I was watching you did you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> hahaha
I think partly why I do that is because in a way I see in you the person I would have thought I'd have been in this situation, I see the person I feel guilty sometimes for not being. You have enormous strength, and I am constantly amazed by it. I have been close to God most of my life, and yet I could not muster this kind of fortitude. There are few people I respect as much as you.
I don't know how much of my story you remember, but my husband told me last July he didn't think he loved me anymore, but was in love with one of my best friends, etc. Yet he has always denied anything physical. I Plan A'd for 5 months. I did nothing but be the perfect wife, but inside I was dying, hungrily eating up any crumb he would drop to me. Well, In January, I found out from OW that he was moving out while I was visiting my sister out of town, which he did. I found out about many more betrayals during that time. I became so sick, I wonder now, looking back how I made it, how I was able to care for my girls. I couldn't eat on and off for about a month. Many days I probably had less than 200 calories, and then I was sick to my stomach, so you know how that goes...Many days I was too weak to really function. It was like I was being eaten alive from the inside out. I had been so dead set on saving our marriage for so long, holding on no matter what, and I had been dealing with all this for about a year and a half. But it was killing me.
After he moved out, I began to make some really naive chioces (remember I've been the good girl my whole life, married as a virgin at 18, so when I say naive I mean it) and ended up getting taken advantage of by someone I thought was a friend. Suddenly, I just didn't care anymore - my husband was gone, continuing to carry on with my friend, he had told me before he wouldn't care if I was with someone else, it wouldn't bother him, nothing I could do would hurt HIM. Hurting myself? That hardly entered my mind - I was so hurt as it was I felt like there wasn't much left of me to hurt. And from there I ended up in another situation where I did get hurt, hurt worse than I thought possible and yet I knew I was alive again. I was more alive than I had probably ever been. I can't go into detail on that situation because this is a public forum, so it's hard to explain in such general terms.
Anyway, I now see that I had Plan A'd way too long. I had run myself into the ground. I sent him a letter stating that I was done crying, and trying and if he ever wanted me back he'd have to win me back. I listed the requirements he would face if he wanted to return, such as NC w/ OW, etc, which he basically laughed at. I knew it was over, I knew I couldn't take anymore, and I knew he wasn't going to change.
Then I met someone incredible, someone who had been through it all too, someone who understood me, who WANTED commitment, accountability, WANTED to meet EN's, someone who saw their own faults and worked to change them. Basically someone who had everything he didn't and was willing to give it all to me. At the time it all began, I was so disconnected from WH, and it felt so strange to be doing something I would have NEVER imagined myself doing EVER, yet it didn't. (Boy, that made sense) At the time, my crazy plan was that I would wait it out and let WH do what he was going to do anyway (divorce me), and if by some chance he said he wanted to try and work it out, he'd have to agree to that list (which he'd NEVER do), and if he did, then I would tell him about all that had happened and if he forgave me AND agteed ti the list, i would know I had to give it a try because it would truly be a miracle. However, I didn't really want him back anyway after I allowed myself to stop repressing all the horrible things he had done to me and actually let them sink in. But for my kids, I'd do just about anything.
Well, he found out about everything on his own and proceeded to file for D. It was pretty funny - all he had done to me and I had shown nothing but mercy and love to him. It was just a perfect excuse for him to file and not look so bad for doing it. Which in a way, i wonder if at some point that's not what I was hoping for - something, anything to just end my misery, whatever the end was.
After this, of course, he continued to talk to, and travel to see OW. All of our interactions have been civil, even friendly. He has said he's sorry for hurting me. (His attitude has always been: sorry but oh well, can't change it). Meanwhile, I was swinging between being incredibly happy and secure for the first time in so long and feeling guilty about not being stronger and hanging in there longer. It was hard not to be the one who does it all right, it was hard to admit to myself that I was this human. But at the same time, it was this person who had pulled me out. I was dying, and now I'm living.
It's weird because I have always been such a black and white type person. I would have said to someone else, "well, God should have been the one to pull you out". I wish things were really that easy, that cut and dry. Maybe they are. But maybe not. I wanted that to happen, but it wasn't happening. I was withering away, inside and out. And I'm sure that's my own fault too, I probably was not doing something right in the way I was trying to rely on God...
I have learned so much from all this though. I've definitely learned to be less judgmental. I've learned that things aren't always so cut and dry. I've gained so much compassion for others, and I have definitely been humbled.
I have gone back to school full time, and I finally have a dream for my own future.
I am to the point now that it is truly over. There are no more what if I do this? Only what if I had done this or that differntly? And I am gradually doing a lot less of that. The only real regret I have is not being able to look back and be 100% satisfied with myself and they way I handled things. I am trying to show myself a little of the mercy I showed him. Especially since I do know how much I gave to him, how much I took from him for so long, how hard I tried. And he knows that too. He has told me so. He knows how much I suffered and how awful he was, but he's not sorry enough to change it, and he will admit that. Like someone else said, I grieved for the man I loved a long time ago. He is dead. In his place is a big block of stone, a shadow of the man he once was.
So that is what's going on with me...a long answer to a short question, huh? Basically I am in the process of making peace with myself and moving on with my life, moving past all the drama and the hurt.
You are blessed that you will never have to make peace with yourself over this, Ethan. You are truly a model to all of us.
I think you will know when to move on. Maybe you could think about contacting her if you need closure before you make that decision? Maybe to answer some of your questions about why she hasn't filed? Maybe that would help. But obviously, I'm no expert...
Thankyou for listening to me ramble on. Well, now this is out there, and I will brace myself...

Ethan, I am sorry about the double post, my dial up was giving me trouble. And OH MY GOSH, I can't believe how long that was now that I see it posted!!! I'm so sorry!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

*BUMP*

fhl,

I see a lot has transpired for you.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. You probably would never had found yourself in the place to make a mistake/poor choice/hurtful decision (whatever) had your WH not chosen to have an A. And you most certainly shouldn't fell guilty for who you are/are not.

In some cases, you can find a lot of fault in the BS before/during an A. In some cases you can't. (I don't really know which you fall under....) But all of us have been completely blindsided by one of the most awful things that anyone can do. Some of us more than once. And all of us by someone who we loved so much. Not everyone will react the same. And I find a hard time finding fault with any BS's behavior. The simple fact that they are here shows that they at least have an interest in saving thier marriage. If there are slips along the way, there are slips. But to believe that you didn't try enough, love enough, or "follow the plan" enough is unnecessary. The bottom line is that this situation (and the fallout from it) is most likely very little of your doing. Keep your head up..... And most importantly, make sure that what you are doing (R wise) is an the best interest of you and your kids. Always.

As for me-------

Don't give me too much credit. I too, have stumbled along the way. I met someone, and although we were only friends, it screwed with my head as well. Luckily, I had the sense to pull myself out of it before I got in over my head. But as we learn to stand, learn to walk again, we will have some missteps. It happens.

And while I appreciate the sentiment, I don't feel like a model to everyone. I just try to give it my best every day to carry the torch, be the lighthouse, the foundation. Eventually, my feelings for WW will wane enough to where I'll move on. And I don't know if that will be a conscious decision or not.

As far as contacting her..... I've given it some thought. I really would prefer to not speak to her while she's involved in an A, as whatever comes from her, will most likely be unpleasant. My 3y anniversary is coming in a couple of weeks, and that will be tough. I may re-examine my stance at that point. I'm kind of taking it day by day.

Best Wishes,
Ethan

I am sorry to hear about the upcoming anniversary. I went through my 6 year anniversary on Valentines day, a month after STBXWH moved out. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't the most pleasant thing either. It was a double whammy, since it was both Valentine's Day and our anniversary. He was deployed at the time, and I got an e-mail talking about the kids and saying, "and by the way, for what it's worth, Happy Anniversary". I think that was worse than nothing being said at all. I said nothing about it to him, not one word, not even about the e-mail.
It seems like you have lots of friends, so maybe you should plan on doing something fun with them on that day/evening, to get your mind off of it some.
I know it's hard being in limbo, I think it's one of the hardest parts of all this. That's what finally drove me over the edge, after all!
It is so amazing to me how some of us wait for so long and put up with so much from our spouses and still love them and want to be with them, while others (WS's) just throw in the towel so easily and with such little regard or commitment. It is just strange. I know it's the fog, but what exactly causes the fog, and why are some so susceptible and others not? Know what I mean?
Too bad all those who would be the BS's didn't marry each other and all the WS's marry each other. Then everyone would be happy! The WS's could just cheat on each other with all the other WS's and the BS's could be faithful and commited to each other. Too bad there's not some kind of WS test you can take before you marry to see which one you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well, I wish I had something better to say about your in-limbo status. I think it's admirable and great how you have been waiting so patiently. (you may not feel patient, but you are)
I know I used to not be able to imagine myself with anyone else besides STBXWH. When he moved out, I told him that, with tears in my eyes. Not cause he was such a great husband, but because he was MY husband! He was my FAMILY. But that changed, and now I cannot imagine being WITH him again. In fact, I have had a couple dreams about him and I and I have woken up feeling repulsed. It's odd how things can change so drastically.
I guess I just associate him with pain and anguish now. I see him for what he really is rather than through those rose-colored glasses.
In time, that will happen for you too. Either that or your patience will pay off big time and she'll come home to you!
One way or another there WILL be an end, although I know it can seem endless at times.
Chin up!

Oh, and by the way, thank you for the kind words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />