I am married for 1 year. I recently discovered that my husband was involved with a woman (an ex-colleague of him). He told me he was not in touch with her anymore, but I found him telling her he’s thinking of her regularly.

I love my husband very much and do not want anything to happen. So I made a lot of efforts to save this marriage. I even got him to fill in the emotional needs questionnaire. However, I am beginning to doubt that all my efforts failed. First, I do not know if he is still in touch with the woman. Besides, I also discovered that he is rather close to another colleague who is still in the company. I found out that she has a boyfriend but my husband and her sometimes go lunch together and go drinking after work. The problem is my husband lies to me about all these. I also do not see that he is as eager as me to solve the problem.

My husband does not seem to appreciate the efforts I put in. He would be very impatient whenever I ask him anything regarding his relationship with friends and colleagues. And he blames me for stressing him. I can’t sleep at night and are constantly having nightmares.

What should I do now? How can I know what is in his mind? How can I survive? He has always been the only one whom I can trust and confide in. But now… Please help me.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. Lots of folks here have gone thru the same thing.

Start in Plan A, and stick to it faithfully for a couple of months. Then if there are no changes, there is another plan.

It is miserable at first, but does get better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by doggie:
[QB] And he blames me for stressing him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doggie, an 'unfortunate' welcome to MB. Obviously, you have read some of the info on the site: invaluable for coping and planning. The people here too, such as believer above. All of these poster can at the very least provide some insight a to what the heck is going on and maybe give you some clarity and ideas--certainly, support! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let me throw you a bone (couldn't resist! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )...I chose those words you wrote for one reason only: there is no justification for an A! *YOU* were not the cause. (Yes, your M may have been/be 'flawed', but *YOU* did not tell him to have an A, right? And even if you did, come to think of it, he would be the one that was wrong!)

Stick with the board...it's a wonderful place to grow...even if it is just you. (But hopefully your M as well.)

Best wishes...hope to read from you more.

Thanks Believer and Liny for your advice and support. It feels good to get support during this difficult time. And thanks Liny for the bone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just before I posted my initial message, I was praying that God will send me home if the agony is not ending. But I know I should face it and live on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by doggie:
I was praying that God will send me home if the agony is not ending.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ahhhh...home, such a descriptive and multied-meaning word!

Please don't forget two things doggie: God *always* answers our prayers. It just may not be the answer we *want* or expect. And, it's all in the Lord's timing.

If you really feel that desolate and desperate (which is *not* uncommon), please see your doctor first thing on Tuesday. There are many AD's that can help you with your existence each day.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 06, 2004, 01:03 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

It is very miserable when you first find out, but things do get better. So stick to the marriagebuilders plan. We will help and support you.

LINY is right, if you feel too bad, get some anti-D's to help you.

Last night my husband had a long chat with that colleague on the phone. When I asked him who she was, he told me she's xxx and is just a conversation about work. When I called his office today, the operator told me there's no xxx in the company. Looks like he's lying again. Should I ask/confront him tonight? How can I find out what is their relationship? What should I do now? I am in plan A, but if she's his colleague, I can't ask him to not see her anymore.

Dear Doggie,
Yes indeed, I think you will find support and comfort with MB, but if you are having serious physical and emotional struggles trying to stay together at this emotional time, do tell your doctor. Along with any medication he/she may prescribe, you may also benefit from counselling.
Unfortunately, there is seldom a quick fix to these difficulties. It will take time for you to learn how to manage things like the Plan A, or other tactics. Many of the folk here, like myself have learned through experience that these tactics can and do work. They aren't guaranteed, but they are a good place to start.
Have you read the material presented on this site , The Basic Concepts ? It's very helpful and easy to understand. You will find that the material is directed at helping you shift some of your perpectives, which in turn will hopefully help your H to shift his.
Stay on board, read and post, read and post, there are a lot of wise and compassionate folk here who will gladly respond.
Wishing you peace, WA

Doggie, welcome to MB. I’m sorry about your situation and that you need to be here. Doggie, your H is/was involved in an emotional affair (EA) and with his current behavior, he makes himself open/vulnerable for other EA’s as well. I think your H may be one of those people who think you only cheat if you have physical contact or a physical affair (PA) with another person. Please read this article on “Emotional Infidelity in the Workplace” and try to get your H to read it too. This short article may be a good start and wake-up-call & eye-opener for him.

Blessings,
Suzet

Dear Doggie,
I think our posts crossed in cyberspace, so my earlier response did not reflect your latest post.I guess you are a nighthawk like me!? What if you asked your H what department collegue XXX works in, and see what he says ?
Is there anyway that you can confirm what he tells you ?
If you are sure that he is lying to you, you will probably have to confront him. It's one thing to carryout a plan A, but if his behaviour isn't responding , you may have to consider stronger measures to make your point.
If she turns out to be a collegue after all, then you may have to confront him with your concerns and discomfort about calls at home etc, and let him understand exactly what your boundaries are.
Depending on the involvement, and your tolerance, trust etc. you may need to discuss his employment situation. You can't be expected to tolerate an affair, but in order to know how to proceed you need to know what is really going on and your H's willingness to co-operate with you in helping to restore trust.
Wishing you peace, WA