I was wondering, for those whose FWH's OW was your BF, did you ever do any kind of "closure" letter or phone call or anything?

I have been wondering if this is what I need to close this chapter of my life, or if it would just open old wounds.

Want opinions. Please let me know what you think. I have written a Word document, but not emailed it.

SS

oh spider how I hate the word closure when in relationship to infidelity...

hate it....

I think that in cases like yours you move on by giving it NO though and NO energy...

the perfect closure encounter that plays out in our head is so often so far from the reality of what really happens....
that I see no value in it.....

the words you say to her
the words she says to you...

are pretty much already said in your actions....

perhaps you may want to post here what you have written in word...
and get feedback...good and or bad...and see if seeing it through others eyes...helps...

what does husband say about you contacting her...

ARK

Spider,

I can only imagine the hurt that would come from this type of betrayal by your best friend, I do understand your need for some type of closure/forgiveness.

My younger sister had a best friend that grew up with us, always at our house, my mom's "fourth" daughter. She and sister were inseparable almost their entire life. They ended up going into business together, and the "friend" stole much money from the business, blamed it on my sister, caused sister to have a nervouse breakdown. Friend did so many horrible things that I can't go into all of them, all during the time preceding and following my mom and dad's deaths.

This friend who was a family member never even showed up at either funeral. Her betrayal was unbelievably painful for us all, but my sister was competely shattered by it.

Sister ended up writing friend a letter telling her of her pain and disapointment over what had happened, how she wanted to put it all behind her but was having trouble, how much she missed this friend and wanted only closure.

The friend never even responded, so sister was very hurt and angry all over again, for awhile. But what happened in the long run was my sister was able to move on knowing that she had forgiven this friend, and she recently told me she finally has peace about it.

You have to do what is right for you. I would have preferred to just shoot this person, but sister loved her and was stuck in the hurt of the betrayal, so she needed to write the letter I guess, for herself.

ark, first off, what the HECK are you doing up at 3:30 am??? Second, I feel the same way about the closure thingie, which is why I put it in quotes:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> oh spider how I hate the word closure when in relationship to infidelity... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like much of my processing of her actions has been done through me and H. Is that fair to him? Probably not. And truthfully, he knows less about this person than I do. He is not exactly sure her motivations, feelings, etc.

My DH has taken on more than his 50% responsibility for what happened. And he won't talk poorly about her. WHICH, to be honest, he really doesn't do about anybody, and was the beginning of the end for HW when she started bad-mouthing me.

I think the hardest part is that I do miss her. I can never be her friend again, but I do miss the laughing. We were very compatible. We were very evenly matched, which doesn't happen very often.

Along with seeking my own peace in that relationship, I also want to reach out to her some peace of her own. I have been reading some of my old emails, back during the PA (before d-day), and I was getting angry with my giving the benefit of the doubt, and the two of them taking advantage of my generosity. Made me feel like I had been made a fool, that my willingness to reach out to others while in my own pain was my greatest weakness.

And just recently I realized, "Shame on them!" My gifts are NOT my weaknesses. They were used against me, but that is not my fault, nor my responsibility. It is theirs. AND, H says now that the way I acted (and reacted) during that time I was being deceived, means a lot to him now. NOW he sees what kind of person I can be when the "chips are down," and he says his love for me is stronger because of it.

And perhaps that is the part of me that I want to leave with her. Not the crazy rantings of a BS, but the generosity of spirit that is Amy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what does husband say about you contacting her... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H wants me to do what I need to do. He supports me 100% in all of my efforts about everything. He does not profess to know the "best" way, or the "right" way. Good thing! I don't think anybody does.

Which brings me to you, Weaver. I guess I was wondering if it would heal ME, on this side, knowing I put my best self forward - with no regard to how she will react or feel or respond. It isn't really about her at all - it's about me.

So, I am still on the fence. I don't know if I will post the letter here. So many different opinions. Basically, it just says that I was her true friend, and I will now never know if she was my true friend. And that she had no reason to fear me anymore, and that I am glad she is not going to Scouts anymore - right or wrong. I know it's about the kids, but I still have a physical reaction whenever I see her, and I'm glad I don't have to see her each week.

I also told her that mine and H's M has become so much more because of all this that has happened, and that we are both going to be OK.

I guess it is a goodbye letter. A formal, physical release for me - but something that can probably just be done in my own head if I think about it long enough. My actions have spoken louder than my words ever could - as have hers.

So, I still have no idea. Thanks both for your feedback. ark, I hope you are still in bed right now! Good grief.

SS

Spidey, I just talked to my supervisor about a similar issue concerning one of my clients last Friday. This person's situation isn't half as extreme as yours. However, it is about the client believing he/she was great friends with certain people. These friends for no good reason dumped the friendship. Client now wonders what he/she should do to heal.

Supervisor and I both agreed that whatever the client needs to heal should be done. Sometimes it's not possible to actually tell the person who hurt you what you think. Bottom line, if you need to express to your FBF what the friendship with her meant to you, and what her betrayal did to you, whatever, then do it. If you are doing it to get a response back then it might be a different story. But if it is about you expressing yourself, maybe it won't give you "closure", but you might feel more peace.

One thing supervisor told me to tell my client. This might not apply in your case because my client is clearly in the anger phase. But if you still feel that anger, write the letter and get everything out. Don't send that letter. Then reread it and write another one.

Hope that helps! Your situation is so difficult. I'm thinking about you! CV

Thanks, CV. You know, I have looked at my sitch for a while now as a "double-whammy." BUT, my good friend here had a different take on it, and I find myself more and more inclined to look at it this way: That H having an A with my "best friend," was a blessing in disguise - I caught on that much sooner, because I was getting weirdness from both sides. Hmmm. Interesting.

If it had been with a co-worker, who knows. I could have attributed his behavior to stress at work, working late, a natural slump in our M. And I would have had my support system of my "best friend" to get me through that tough time, and probably just swept it under the carpet. Who knows how long that could have gone on? Especially since I think men compartmentalize more than us girls do, and perhaps it is easier to split themselves in two - with one at home and one at work.

Just another perspective for me to think about. Thanks for your kind words, CV. I don't really see my sitch as any worse than others here. We all have certain parts of the A's that just totally SUCK!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Chat at you all later. We're off to run errands adn have dinner with the relatives.

SS

Hey there. My STBX's OW was one of my best friends. I did write to her. I receieved back a self-righteous letter accusing me of making "out of control accusations" and using her as a scapegoat (which I did neither). All it did was make me angrier.
I think writing the letter was probably very good for you and sending it could be either good or bad. If she doesn't respond it could be good, if she does it could possibly make things worse or reopen old wounds. I understand how you feel. I grieved for my friendship with the OW too. It was a real loss for me. It's hard. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

SS -
I did send OW/BF an email. I was advised not to, but I did anyway. I wanted her to know exactly how I felt. It was brutally honest with lots of nasty cuss words, but I'm glad I did it. She did not respond because I asked her not to. I told her I didn't need to know her "reasons" for doing this to me. I don't regret it cause I feel I was able to leash out my anger and I feel much better knowing she knows what she did to our relationship. I think most would say not to do it, and I don't know what is better, but this is what I did and how it made me feel. Also, I think it has alot to do with how the A happened. See, I'm extremely upset with OW/BF because she did all the seduction. Maybe it is not that way with you. The decision is yours.

spiderslayer -

I would not send the letter. On the day when she even considered crossing that line, she ceased to be your best friend. She decided her needs were more important than your friendship.

During my looooooooooooonnnnnnggggg life, I have had several friend's husbands come on to me, or say inappropriate things. It always made me sick to my stomach. I told them in no uncertain terms that the most important thing to me was the friendship, and I had no interest. Then I avoided them like the plague.

I have many acquaintances that I spend time with and enjoy, but very, very few friends. Like the old saying "A friend is someone you can call in the middle of the night, and ask them to help you bury a body. A friend will show up with a shovel, and ask no questions." That is a little extreme, but you get the idea.

I would burn the letter, and bury it, and your friendship. You deserve to let this go.

Hi Spider killer extrordinaire
Yes, he is away again, but I am on night duty and my inlaws are coming, so I won't be here long. Need to head to bed. (Guess my body is sort of in time with all of you for once, although I feel totally exhausted).

I did write a long letter to the OW/BF. It was about eight pages long. I said absolutely everything I wanted to say. I then read it. H read it too. It was written in very early days.

BUT

I never sent it. I just got it all out of my system and down on paper. It really helped me. I have never felt any urge to actually send it. Writing it down was enough.

I think this was good for me as I was not just grieving my Hs affair, but the loss of a 30 year firendship with her (That was in 2001). We had been friends since we were 11 in school and I was 41 on Dday. And although I could rationalise that she wasn't really my friend as evidenced by her actions, it didn't mean I didn't grieve the loss of a friendship that had meant a lot to me, albeit that it had not in reality been what I had thought it to be in the end.

You know we just went down to Canberra to see our two eldest Children and on the wasy back my H was playing a new CD that my daughter gace him for fathers day (SEP 5 in Australia). Anyway one of the songs was rubber bullets. Don't know if you remeber it. Anyway imediately memories of fun times as little girls singing this song outside our school class in year six sprang to mind and of course I felt sad and thought how sad it was that this friendship was now ruined.

So I guess if you feel writing a letter will help you, then go for it. I would advise against sending it though. Burn it or something.

I like to think that she feels that she does not factor at all in this relationship or in mine or Hs thought anymore so the last thing I would ever want to do is contact her and give herthe power of thinking that she means anything here anymore. I think sending a letter would give her that power. I told her in my last contact with her after Dday that I wished her a good life, but that I would never have contact with her again.

C&S

The last OW that my H was with was my GF also. She initiated the A. She has had several A's during her life. Cheated on her first H with this current H. Her H is a really nice man. On the day that I exposed her (my H was away on business) I told her that I was sorry for her & could still continue the friendship. Now 10 months later, I cann't do it. Have not seen her very often since d day. She used to be here, just dropping in, almost every day. I minded her kids, looked after her house when they were away, helped with parties, shopped together & so it goes on. Yes, I do miss her, but she crossed the line, chased my H, who wasn't perfect, had had several A's by then, but GF was the only one that he saw all the time. The others were very long distance A's. I can undersatnd why my GF had an A. She was an abused child by 2 male family members & had never told anyone. My H guessed it one night when he was having dinner with them while I was away. Her H told her to get over it, so she would talk to my H. I never knew that she did this.The EA turned into a PA, lasted 15 months.I did not write her a letter, but she knows that she crossed the line .... she wrote a letter of appology to me. She liked to control men with sex. She has alot of problems & her H wasn't meeting her needs. Is she a bad person? I don't think so. She is a good Mum, daughter & at one time, a good friend. I'm sure that she is a very good wife now. I know that she would like to be in my life again, but I don't think I can do it. Her H doesn't know. They have 2 small children. None of this is their fault.
IMO, write the letter, but don't send it, she already knows what she has done & has to deal with it every day. Raise above her & hold your head up high. I do. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Take care.
WH 52
BS 49
DD 24
DS 22
d-day 10th November 2003
H had several A's over 10 yrs
Working at staying together forever

SS - switching the genders here, OM wasn't exactly my best friend, but close enough to be a pallbearer for my son. It IS safe to say my WS was best friends with OM's wife.

"Closure"?

The only closure I look forward to is the closing of OM's casket. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS, you're right! Every one of these As suck. Your H's A was over sooner because of your Spidey intuition kicking in because of the double deception. Yet you have to deal with double betrayal also! I never was or wanted to be friends with OW. I liked her well enough, and thought she was a good office manager for H. Just knowing how long this went on, what was going on concerning my dad while it was happening, and the emotional damage it caused because of it's intensity is my challenge in overcoming it. Then I read stories of recovered MBers here and my story seems mild in comparison. Yep, all As suck! It still amazes me that the people involved think they are soulmates and they were brought together by God. Every time I come to MB I see a new member, and think just one more family decimated by an A. Yeh, I'm sure God is orchestrating all of these As. Sorry, just a little vent this Tuesday morning!

Concerning the letter, I still would go with what you think you need to do. Some people don't need to send the letter. Writing it is enough. If there was anything left unsaid from you to FBF which you need to have her know then send it if it will give you peace. Personally I could never be friends with her again. As someone said, she crossed a line that a friend should never cross. CV

Thanks to all who replied to me. FHL04, icg_25, thanks for sharing your stories with me. It is just terrible that so many lives are touched with these A's, including the kids that used to all be able to play together.

Believer, you are right, I do deserve to have peace regarding this matter in my life. That is what I am searching for . . . but it may not be something I can "find." It might just take . . . time. I know everyone hates it when I say that to them, and it is equally annoying when I say it to myself, but time does heal so much. You are living proof of that! I hope all continues to be well for you, in your loooooonnnnngggg life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

C&S, thank you again for posting on a topic that we share. I was particularly looking for your post, to see what you did regarding this matter. I am beginning to think that just writing the letter is enough for ME. To give it to her would indicate I need something in response from her: an apology, an explanation, whatever. And I don't. She has nothing to say to me. Her actions have spoken louder than her words ever could. I have never had a girlfriend (that I know of) before that would choose a man over my friendship. I have heard of these types of women, but didn't think I knew any personally. Although, now in hindsight, I see so many red flags. I just gave her the benefit of the doubt. And I have to stop beating myself up about that. And I'm not going to stop being that kind of friend, just because of this one bad experience. I certainly learned a lot about people in general from this experience! Hope you got your much-needed rest. Hope to see some more posts from you on the boards - you have so much to offer with your story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Eyesopened, I could never be her friend again. I cannot have her and H both in my life, and I refuse to give up my M of 13 years to my best friend (H is truly my bestest friend, she was best girlfriend), father of my 2 boys, for her. She had to have known if she put me in a position of choosing, that she would be the loser. That is just not an option for me. I am amazed you were able to try for so long. BUT, kind-of makes me feel pukey-sick thinking about it. Yucky.

WAT, I too have dreamed of that type of "closure." BUT, then I realize I don't want her dead, just miserable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Pathetically unhappy, really, and unable to find any kind of satisfaction or relaxation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

And finally, CV, thanks for coming at me with 1)the support of me sending or not sending the letter, and 2)the confidence that I know which I need to do for myself - given enough time and thought. All A's do SUCK A$$, and we all get through what we can as well as we can. I am working on acceptance that in each situation I am in, and have been in the past, I have done the best I possible could at the time, given the situation I found myself in. I have to let go of my "could have's," "should have's," and "would have's." I just do!

Again, thank you all. I am off to my cooking job! Chat at you all later.

SS

This situation is definately a hard one to deal with.

You may see my story here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031994

I really never expected anything like that but caught them together in my own home. I really just told her to get out of my house and little else, too shocked, I guess. I was always there when she needed someone and really trusted them both.
As for the kids that use to play together, my 6 year old daughter asks why she can't see her aunt and her cousins, I always have to come up with a good one for that because she wouldn't understand the truth. I just tell her that her aunt did something that she shouldn't have and then she asks why we broke up. (her way of asking why we are no longer friends) It was July 10th that I found out and it still feels like yesterday, I just cannot get that picture to fade, it's still so vivid in my mind.
We are working on it and things seem to be getting better but I still wonder if he's calling her. There are days that he acts strange. I asked her then that if it ever happened again would she at least have the decency to tell me and she said that she would, but I also remember who it was that I was asking such a thing of. She wouldn't tell me when I was supposed to be her friend, why tell me now?

Dear All,
especially Spider Slayer,

I can understand the need for closure. At the beginning, after D-Day, a very weird situation emerged - I was in shock, more or less, and as H and OW (ex-BF) were very remorseful and OWH didn't know a thing about the A, the four of us kept seeing each other socially for our hobby every week, and my H got together with OWH for another hobby every other week or so. I thought I was the one who "needed to get over it" and I also thought I was really crazy, weak, whatever, until I discovered MB and things started to sink in.

I died a little every time my H and OW/BF were chatting on the internet, when they were talking to each other when I couldn't hear what they were saying, when they kissed (hello), and it started getting especially hard when their initial shame and embarrasment started to subside and they started (especially OW) to touch each other again in a playful way.

I went out with OW/BF to talk things over. I didn't know about fog at that time and the things she said sometimes were rude, hurtful, but I somehow felt she wasn't her normal self. It was like talking to someone on drugs, out of reality.

It took me many painful long months to finally tell her I never wanted to see her again. She started a chat conversation on the internet and asked to go out sometime. I answered that wasn't probably a good idea, as I felt alot of anger towards her at that time. I had suppressed that anger and that had cost me dearly - a lot of sleepless nights, tears and turmoil. Still I didn't vent it at her. I just needed to say "I think it's best we never see each other again". That was enough pain inflicted anyway, because it is very hard on her to lose me. I told her that are growing pains. I told her our friendship died when I saw that video of her and my H. That's all I really told her, and that we would all get through this.

I needed this NC. And I needed to really tell her. But I'm glad I could do it in a chat session, so I could stick to the absolute minimum and didn't get carried away by emotions.

It is a double whammy - I told my H and OW that it was like he put a knife into my heart, and she a knife into my back. I mourned for both losses.

One thing that really helped was posted here at a certain time - I don't remember by whom. It read that she had studied some of her female friends who were/had been OW. She said that these women were nice, outgoing, social persons. But that niceness only went so deep. At another level it was clear that they are self-centered, needy people. They need to be seen as "special", they thrive on attention. And that is a death trap for friendship when they get a kick from the attention of their BF's H.

That helped me get over my grief for the loss of this friendship. Such a "friend" isn't a real friend. It's an acquaintance you can have fun times with, but a real friend will stick by you. If your H comes after her she'll try to let you know in a gentle way that something is wrong with your M, she won't be so flattered that she jumps into bed with him. A "snap out of it" slap around the ears might be more appropriate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

A friend is supposed to watch your back, not put a knife in it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I do hope she learns her life's lessons from this foolish, selfish thing. In fact I was sad I couldn't be there for her to help her through this pain - I probably would have been if it would have been someone else's H she had an A with. But then I remembered the "this isn't a friend" thing and I got over it.

I hope this helps dear Spidey!

Anybody else out there ever experienced this? I could really use some help in dealing with all the emotions. Although I still care for her alot, I hate what she has done to me and my family.

Oops! Double post, sorry guys!

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Jennie G ]</small>

BUMP! Anybody else been through this?