Hi,it's been a long time since my last entry. It will be almost two years since I left my husband, and eight months since I broke it off with the other man. I didn't leave my H for the OM but the OM...I would say gave me the push to. My H has always stayed in my life not only because we have a daughter together but he is a good man. We are talking about reconciling but I still have issues with myself. I believe I am still in love with this OM, I had a wonderful experienced with him, and even though I know he is not good enough for my daughter and I, I still have feeling for him. As much as I try and tell myself that he is wrong for me,every so often these feelings come back and I hate it because it interfers with my thoughts of my H and I recociling. My H and I have always been best friends, we lived like roomates. No romance. My experience with this OM was full of romance, the feeling of being loved, wanted.The feeling of being in love was wonderful, something that I never really experienced with my H. Anyhow My H and I are seeing our psychologist this week to begin counsling again. I have always been honest with my H, we both speak openly all the time. He is such a good man, I do love him...I want to be in love with him.
I have been on this discussion forum before. I ask not for critizism but for helpful guidance. Thank you.

Lydia, I can only hope that you saying these very things to your H so he can move on with his life and find a worthy partner who will love him. If he is a good man, as you say he is, don't you think he deserves that?

There are lots of good, decent women out there who would love to have a man like your H and would treat him right and love him. Why not give him that chance? What are you keeping him around for?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lydia1:
<strong> Hi,it's been a long time since my last entry. It will be almost two years since I left my husband, and eight months since I broke it off with the other man. I didn't leave my H for the OM but the OM...I would say gave me the push to. My H has always stayed in my life not only because we have a daughter together but he is a good man. We are talking about reconciling but I still have issues with myself. I believe I am still in love with this OM, I had a wonderful experienced with him, and even though I know he is not good enough for my daughter and I, I still have feeling for him. As much as I try and tell myself that he is wrong for me,every so often these feelings come back and I hate it because it interfers with my thoughts of my H and I recociling. My H and I have always been best friends, we lived like roomates. No romance. My experience with this OM was full of romance, the feeling of being loved, wanted.The feeling of being in love was wonderful, something that I never really experienced with my H. Anyhow My H and I are seeing our psychologist this week to begin counsling again. I have always been honest with my H, we both speak openly all the time. He is such a good man, I do love him...I want to be in love with him.
I have been on this discussion forum before. I ask not for critizism but for helpful guidance. Thank you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, Lydia1.

I am pretty new here, so I am not very qualified to give you hard advice. However, here is something for your consideration.

When you "fell in love" with the OM, the emotion you experienced was due primarily to a chemical brain bath. The state of 'love' that you found yourself in was chemically induced. This phenomenon is fairly well understood.

You know that having an affair is morally unacceptable. Add to that choice the embracing of a chemically induced state of mind as reality, rather than just a feeling, and you have a genuine mess on your hands.

Now that the chemical mix is returning to normal, and reason has once again begun to pervade your consciousness, you are wondering what you should do. I think you already know what the right thing to do is, but just in case you don't, I want you to think about the choice you have made, versus the truth of the statement below.

True love is a choice.
Choosing to love, is the ultimate act of love.

Who are you going to choose to love? The feel good other man, or the man that truly loves you?

If you are waiting to "feel in love" with your husband before you act and do the right thing, then you might consider just leaving him alone and stop torturing him and letting him pick up the pieces of his life and moving on without you.

Gimble

Lydia:

I agree with the others. Why are you trying to change what you and H have?

If he doesn't "do it" for you, then so be it. You still have some level of a loving, if not intimate, relationship. Consider yourself lucky. There are many couples here who's relationship has degenerated into bitter acrimony. You two still have a positive connection, which can must be tremendous for your D.

So, the big question is: Why do you want to change that? Guilt - do you feel you "owe" it to your H? A desire to do the right thing? By maintaining a positive R, you are doing just that.

Perhaps you should use your counselling session to accomplish a different aim. Rather than stringing your H along with a false hope with you, you should be actively encouraging him to find someone more suited to his needs. As melody said, he deserves the chance to find the love you found with OM, and there are probably plenty of good women out there to give it to him.

You could support him in this aim by helping and supporting him in that. I think that you're honest and open relationship with him would allow you to be an excellent support for him. Perhaps you could even help by introducing him to other women. You know what he likes, you know his positive qualities - you have an inside track!

This is also a good time to do a little esteem building in your xH. As you no doubt know, an A can be a very emasculating experience. It can make a man question his very masculinity, and wonder if any woman would want such an inadequate specimen. I know that is what I struggle with. This might be a good time to reinforce his better amorous qualities, and reassure him that he is not less of a man. Just because he was inadequate for you, does not mean he would be inadequate for all women!

I know it sounds like some sappy cliche out of a 70's song, but sometimes love means letting someone go. Letting him experience the love and romance that you did doesn't mean your R with him would end. Your R operates at a different level, and there is no reason why it couldn't continue to do so, even if he did find that someone special. After all, you share a D, and that is a bond that you will always have.