I went away with the kids this weekend and ww brought OM to our home. i also see eveidence that it has moved from EA to PA.

Should i confront her with this or not?

i cant take much more of this.

Hello,

Of course confront her. This is so totally unacceptable. It is bad enough that she is continuing the affair but bringing the OM to your home to continue the affair is beyond contempt. Your home should be at least the one place that should be off limits. The fact that she would do this shows total disdain and contempt for you and your marriage. I suggest that you contact a lawyer to protect yourself. I wish you luck.

What do you hope to gain by not confronting her?

I realized that only the truth can set you free.

I hate hearing that my WW is going out with OM, but if she was lying to me, how could I properly respond? If I think my life is going in one direction, and it is going in another, I too am lying. Thats no good.

Tell her and see what happens. Be ready for quite a yarn in response. I bet that some of the best lies have come from people in A's.

Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just a Husband:
<strong> I went away with the kids this weekend and ww brought OM to our home. i also see eveidence that it has moved from EA to PA.

Should i confront her with this or not?

i cant take much more of this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JAH, if you know that she will not change, why do you continue to live like this? Do you think she will magically wake up and see the error of her ways? This is a way of life for her and has been going on for years. Do you think you can change her?

JAH, I'm sorry. This has to be awfully tough. I've been there, I know.

You have to confront her, and you have to set some boundaries. You have to decide what kind of shenanigans you will let your life be surrounded with. I have a feeling you are uncertain about those boundaries, but you need them terribly, otherwise you'll have chaos swirling around you.

This doesn't mean you can control your wife. But please find a way to separate yourself from this behavior. She has made your own home an unsafe place for you, an act of complete disrespect.

You may want to save your M, but there is no way you should accept this activity in your home. You have to be clever now, because screaming and yelling is not going to separate you from the chaos. But you have to take some action here. Your self-respect is on the line.

GC

JAH,
Sorry I haven't read all your posts so I don't know your situation, but I do know the pain you're feeling when the A comes into your home.

This may sound crass, but if you need to know, then you should not confront yet. If you only need to know for yourself then take an overnight trip that your spouse knows of ahead of time. And hide a voice activated recorder in your bedroom. You'll find out, but you can't use that in court.

If you need evidence for court, then you need a video, set up in your room. There are tiny micro-video machines that you can get that tape for 10+ hours. You can get one from a PI. It will be difficult to view, but it will give you what the court will accept.

This is horrible, but if you need the evidence do it soon. Make it as quick as possible. Get them out of your home.

My heart goes out to you.

I am a very pro marriage kind of guy [being a married one] but where I draw the line is with multiple affairs. From my experience [with my my multiple affair XWW] I learned that it is extremely rare that a spouse that has engaged in more than one affair is someone that will embrace the Marriage Builders principles of rebuilding the marriage. Like my XWW, a great many multiple affair spouses are sick people that have very serious and unaddressed pre-marital issues that makes them unqualified to be in a committed relationship like marriage.

I also agree that you should document as much dirt as you can on your WW's shenanigans with the OM because it can tilt the court's decision in your favor if you want custody of your kids. I also speak from experience here because if I had not done this, the court would most probably had granted custody of my daughters to my XWW.

You are to be commended for trying to save your marriage but if your WW is not willing to end her affair and commit to rebuilding your marriage, then the next priority is to protect your children from your WW's actions.

(nice to see you toomuch... hope you are well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Justa...here's what I think...

I think that we associated the word confront and when given the permission to confront...OR take a confrontational route...that we must sort out what we really want to accomplish...

you have every right to blow up and confront in anger with lots of disrepectful name calling and hootin and hollerin...

she probably expects that...
may even have geared herself up for it....
and it will be comfortable for both of you..cause you tell her how mad you are...and she can tell you how she's this or that...and you two can drag this arguement on and on....

So you may want to drop the word confront...which gives permission for anger...and consider telling her whats past the anger...
the pain of the thought that she can so easily replace you
the pain of the thought that she can take another person in to a place in which you have placed so many hopes and dreams...

the way it hurts to the core...
she's expecting your wrath...and you need to ask how in the end the wrath will serve you and her in the bigger picture..

I am going to say justa that there is no doubt in my mind that I am not qualified to speak of the pain of losing a child...but the fact that both of you appear to have pulled away from turning to eachother in the time of crisis that even though is a second affair....as toomuchcoffee states...
that this affair plays a role in escaping the pain of that loss...

you two in my humble opinion perhaps have not learned to turn to and rely on eachother....when you may have needed to most..

my heart breaks for both of you...

So I think you confront.
in love
and honesty
and show her the hurt and sadness it causes..
not the anger..
and then justa..I think since you just started last week and then went away for a weekend that you throw yourself in to plan A for two months MINIMALLY...because the other option is narrowing to divorce and this family has already suffered huge loss.....and perhaps it is the right thing to do to hold on a little longer....

ARK

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I cannot help but wonder that this is yet another passive agressive move on her part to get me to make the move.

I need to get her out of this house. My Daughter called her evil yesterday. I dont know where she got that from.

I think your D is probably right. I am not sure what passive aggressive means, but I see nothing passive about bringing strange men into the your home. That is very aggressive and destructive and I hope you would protect your children from her.

justa

you knew this was a possiblity prior to you going away this weekend...

somehow things have gotten so out of control way prior to this weekend that this is just one more thing...

that's why I say you try plan A...really try plan A...because it's not clear that up till this weekend you two have been doing nothing else but squaring off
sizing eachother up
and pacing in your corners....

if you want to work on this marriage...

all of an affair is based on huge gross disrespect...and I don't deny you the anger or pain in house contact causes...
but did you ask her or tell her before you left not to have him over...

something like....
"please know dear, that while I am away ..I would hope that you can see how hurtful it would to me if you were to have HIM over in my house...that it is a very painful thing to do to me...and i still wish you would come with me and the kids..."

neither of you ACT like you care about one another..and the longer you stay in these roles..the more it becomes each of you...

IF you are done with your wife and marriage...then this can be the hill to die on...

IF you want to begin to work on this....
so that when and if you do have to walk away...you know in your heart you did all that you could....then I don't suggest kicking her out...

didnt she just agree last week to counseiling...

just a ....you are angry...
but you were angry before this weekend
you knew this might happen and went any ways...

this IS NOT to BLAME you please please don't misunderstand me..

if you want to be then be done..
if you want to work on this for a bit..
then speak your hurt not your anger...
that is my opinion.....

also where are you in exposure of the OM?

ARK

Ark

I knew this may happen you are right. I felt that I had to go with my children and made it a point to invite her every day we talked. Every conversation we had was her picking a fight. i must admit even though i know that she was doing this purposefuly i fell into it and LB.

This seems to be a never-ending battle.

Today would have been our daughters first day of school. I went to the school bus with ww and other 2 daughters. I couldnt even talk....i was afraid to cry if i did. On our walk back i asked her (ww) if she thought that Isabela was on the bus. She didnt answer, didnt even look at me. i then started to quietly cry and walked into my office (home office). I know this is hard for her too and i want so much to comfort her and myself but she wont let me.

I am going to contiue to plan A. My timeline is 2 months. Our wedding aniversry is at the end of Oct. I guess thats a good time to decide.

Just A Husband, I don't know your story, but what you wrote breaks my heart for you. I'm reaching through this computer and giving you a huge hug!

I am not one of the wise ones here, but I do know that men often can get screwed over when it comes to getting custody of their kids. Your W seems so fogged out, as evidenced by her total disrespect, that I would at least protect yourself while you are Plan Aing. The thought of following Haywire and coffeeman's suggestion would make me nauseous, yet I think they are right. If this evidence will protect you and your children than at least consider it. Or if you haven't, talk to a lawyer about all of this.

At this point in time your W has lost her spiritual self. She is in a dark place to do what she's doing. At the end of the day you will never have to face what she will face eventually. CV

Thanks

Ark...
I have made the list of the OM exposure items but have not done anything with it. its a short list. He is not close to his family and the ones he is closest to are my cousins. When he and his wife broke up he moved in with my cousin. He now lives with his mother but alot of his belongings are with my cousin.

He called my cousin the other day and asked if it was ok to go to his house and get an item. My cousin responded by asking him if he still had the key. He then said to him to go to the house and get what he needs and leave the key. He was told that he is not welcome there anymore.

He thinks he has nothing to loose in all of this and he is wrong. My atty wanted to call his job and complain about him. He drives a truck and is often under the influence of MJ. He has also lost other jobs due to drug use. He also has a temper issue. He has been sentenced to anger management classes on several occasions.

I dont want to focus my energy on him. I want to ensure that me and my kids are ok.

I want a new and better marriage with my current wife and i am willing to try plan A more.....but every man has his limits. My family in concerened for me and my children. they keep telling me to D her. That is not what my heart tells me.

I have known this woman for over 15 years and i know that this would not be an issue if the OM was not involved. We dont have the perfect marriage but i know that without the OM in the picture we can have a better one.

My ww is generaly a good person and her actions now are not her norm. I know in my heart that she is a better person.

Thanks

Ark...
I have made the list of the OM exposure items but have not done anything with it. its a short list. He is not close to his family and the ones he is closest to are my cousins. When he and his wife broke up he moved in with my cousin. He now lives with his mother but alot of his belongings are with my cousin.

He called my cousin the other day and asked if it was ok to go to his house and get an item. My cousin responded by asking him if he still had the key. He then said to him to go to the house and get what he needs and leave the key. He was told that he is not welcome there anymore.

He thinks he has nothing to loose in all of this and he is wrong. My atty wanted to call his job and complain about him. He drives a truck and is often under the influence of MJ. He has also lost other jobs due to drug use. He also has a temper issue. He has been sentenced to anger management classes on several occasions.

I dont want to focus my energy on him. I want to ensure that me and my kids are ok.

I want a new and better marriage with my current wife and i am willing to try plan A more.....but every man has his limits. My family in concerened for me and my children. they keep telling me to D her. That is not what my heart tells me.

I have known this woman for over 15 years and i know that this would not be an issue if the OM was not involved. We dont have the perfect marriage but i know that without the OM in the picture we can have a better one.

My ww is generaly a good person and her actions now are not her norm. I know in my heart that she is a better person.

Seeking the services of a divorce attorney to protect you and the children from your WW's self destructive behavior DOES NOT mean that the marriage will end up in divorce but if it does you'll be better prepared to deal with it than if she pre-empts you by filing first.