I'm not sure how to really do this, my first time.....
Anyhow, I'm in a very hard postion, I'm having an affair, Ive been married to a wonderful man for 10 years, he is wonderful, but for some reason...I have fell in love with another man who is also married...with no children. I'm so mixed up, I love them both, I probally have to say I want to be with the other man more, but have a very good life with my husband, and it would be totally different with the other man, he is just waiting for me, he's already to leave his wife. Is is totally in love with me, I really know that. I can't imagine my life with out either of them, so my question is how do I decide or stop doing this, because this is not a fun place to be????? And do I try and work it out with my husband if I'm not happy or do the selfish thing and run with love with the other man?? at this point it has to end, I have to either leave my husband or end the affair.

too....mixed up!!

Zahn - If u r prepared to deal with no self-respect, destroying OM's wife's world, more pain, and possibly losing your family, go with the other man. If you think it isn't a fun place now it will be a potential nightmare that haunts you forever if you leave your husband. You need to come out and be honest with him NOW and start no contact with OM ASAP! If you our having feelings of unhappiness in your marriage you should be going to counseling with your husband and not trying to fulfill a void with an extra-marital affair. Look at yourself from the outside if u can and really think about what u are doing. My wife left me 4 months ago for a guy who she now says is the biggest [censored] she ever met. She thought he was great at the time. She is misreble now and wishes that she had ended it right away and worked on the marriage. She is in a world of pain and the pain may follow her thru her life.

The right things to do are: tell your husband the truth and tell him how sorry u r, stop all contact with OM, and get yourelf into marital counseling with your husband ASAP.

Zahn, welcome to Marriage Builders. Thank you for being here.

Does your husband know?

If he's anything like me, learning of the affair will hurt him, badly, but given the chance he will do whatever he can to save your marriage.

If you leave the affair, you will question your decision and feel sad for a while. Getting over the other man will be like getting over a heroin addiction. It will take some time, but it will happen. You will feel courageous and redeemed. Your pain will be temporary, and you will be happy again.

If you leave the marriage, you will regret it forever. Leaving the marriage will redefine you as a person. It will alter your role in the world and force you to become a person I think you don't want to be. You will feel weak and damaged. Your pain will be permanent. And you will not be happy once the euphoria of the new relationship wears off. Don't volunteer for this ride on the pain train.

The happiness you feel with the other man is a temporary, romantic feeling. Do not hide from reality in this feeling.

True love does not consume us. True love does not require us to do things like your feelings for the other man are requiring you to do. What you feel for the other man is a corruption of love, a mirage.

You can achieve this feeling with your husband again if you can end the affair, find out what about you and your husband made your marriage vulnerable, and repair the damage. You can have a better marriage than you had before.

Your affair does not mean that your marriage is bad. It means your marriage is vulnerable. Affairs happen in good marriages. Don't believe anybody who tells you otherwise.

Oh, Zahn, I hope you make the right decision. If you go back to your husband and end all contact, permanently, with the affair partner, you will one day be so thankful.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> Zahn, welcome to Marriage Builders. Thank you for being here.

Does your husband know? No, but he know that something is not right

If he's anything like me, learning of the affair will hurt him, badly, but given the chance he will do whatever he can to save your marriage.

If you leave the affair, you will question your decision and feel sad for a while. Getting over the other man will be like getting over a heroin addiction. It will take some time, but it will happen. You will feel courageous and redeemed. Your pain will be temporary, and you will be happy again.

If you leave the marriage, you will regret it forever. Leaving the marriage will redefine you as a person. It will alter your role in the world and force you to become a person I think you don't want to be. You will feel weak and damaged. Your pain will be permanent. And you will not be happy once the euphoria of the new relationship wears off. Don't volunteer for this ride on the pain train.

The happiness you feel with the other man is a temporary, romantic feeling. Do not hide from reality in this feeling.

True love does not consume us. True love does not require us to do things like your feelings for the other man are requiring you to do. What you feel for the other man is a corruption of love, a mirage.

You can achieve this feeling with your husband again if you can end the affair, find out what about you and your husband made your marriage vulnerable, and repair the damage. You can have a better marriage than you had before.

Your affair does not mean that your marriage is bad. It means your marriage is vulnerable. Affairs happen in good marriages. Don't believe anybody who tells you otherwise.

Oh, Zahn, I hope you make the right decision. If you go back to your husband and end all contact, permanently, with the affair partner, you will one day be so thankful.

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you for all that you wrote, I think I really do know what the right thing is to do, but I really do love the OM, and I don't want to hurt him either. I can't believe that I'm really here, its been 6 months,and it was alot easier when it was just a fling, which I felt bad enough...but now I have two people in love with me, and I love them both...

Thank you again for you reply!!

zahn

PLEASE tell your husband about the affair and make a new commitment to your marriage. Learn about writing a "no contact" letter, then get your husband to help you do it. Help him understand the process of withdrawal you will go through. Learn what emotional needs your affair partner is satisfying, and help your husband learn to satisfy them. Get on anti-depressants to make your withdrawal less difficult.

I understand how mixed up you are, I honestly do. I have never cheated on my wife, but she has cheated on me, and I've spent the last four months trying to understand it.

Something I should tell you about the experience I've had for these last four months...

It's worse than if my wife had died. The pain felt by a man who is betrayed and abandoned by his wife is indescribable. My hair is turning gray. I've lost 30 pounds. I've spent entire days crying. I've spent other days on the couch, twisted in pain. I hope you don't do this to your husband.

Today I'm managing okay, but I will never be the same. And tomorrow, who knows.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
but have a very good life with my husband, and it would be totally different with the other man, he is just waiting for me, he's already to leave his wife. Is is totally in love with me, I really know that</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes your life would be totally different with the OM as it would be built on deceptions, lies and infidelity rather than marital honesty as with your H. You value a relationship of lies ? Only U know.
EVERY OP in every affair always says they are waiting for the affair partner and will leave their spouse. As a wise head here says " Deja Moo - I think I heard that Bull before". If you were his soulmate he would leave his wife NOW ,not use her as a backstop. So would YOU, rather than looking for support on here, you would leave you H not keep him on the boil in case your 'true love' turns out to be a liar like he is a resource provider, not your loving husband.
You are 'totally in love' with each other , you and this man? Why are you not together RIGHT NOW then ? BECAUSE ITS AN ILLUSION AND YOUR SPIRITS KNOW IT thats why.

WAKE UP ! You are destroying four lives including your own with your selfishness !

READ this site, see yourself in the words and decide in prayer what to do. BTW 10% of affairs lead to M and 75% of those last less than 3 years. Go figure .

Sorry to bombard you, Zahn. I hope I'm not giving you too much to absorb.

You have to hurt someone. It will be far easier on the other man than it will be on your husband, believe me. And you will be glad you did it.

The other man has chosen to have an affair, and he has volunteered your husband for something dreadful, as you have drafted his wife into the same nightmare.

You can be redeemed. You can make it through this. It's nothing compared with the never-ending guilt you will suffer if you abandon your husband.

Thank you again for being here. I know this is a very difficult decision for you.

GC

I know what your trying to say...I want to be there, but I know that its wrong and he has told his wife that he's not in love with her, and he is leaving even if I don't leave my husband.

Thank you for reply....I really do need to hear the other sides.

Zahn

Gray Cloud

Thanks again...I'm really finding your response helpful, Do you really think it would be better for my husband to know about this, he now the OM, and we hang out with him and his wife. Don't you think it would be better to end it, and and try and forget about it??? Telling him will just hurt him so much..more!!! I also think that the OM will need Anti-depress...he will be so hurt.

Thanks for listening...

Zahn

Zahn, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you find it necessary to be here though.

Zahn, I think you already know the answers to your questions, otherwise you won’t decide to post to a MARRIGE BUILDING website helping people REBUILD and RECOVER their marriages. This forum you are posting to now (and also the other Infidelity forums), are here to help people (Betrayed spouses [BS] and Wayward spouses [WS] alike) to rebuild and recover their marriages after infidelity and this website and all the people posting on these forums are AGAINST infidelity and NO ONE here will ever advise or agree with you to do the selfish thing and leave your husband for the other man… You KNOW it is wrong to have this affair and if you really want to do the right thing you must STOP this affair now and work things out with your husband.

First you need to read all the material of Dr Harley on this website (Basic Concepts and Question & Answer Columns and especially the material on Infidelity). Your affair with the other man is like an addiction. Right now you are addicted to this other man and this type of addiction needs to be treated like any other addiction. Therefore you need to stop the affair and have NO CONTACT [NC] with the other man. If you do this you will start to experience withdrawal symptoms (depression, anxiety, anger etc.) in a very intense form. Withdrawal is extremely hard, but this is the only way to BREAK this addiction and start to get through withdrawal. There is no other option than NO CONTACT with this man, not even to stay friends with him…NOTHING. I’m a Former Wayward Wife [FWW] and I’m talking from experience.

Secondly, you need to tell your H about the A. He is the betrayed one and needs to know the truth. Be prepared that this will be a terrible shock for you husband and extremely painful & hurtful for him. If your read all the posts of betrayed spouses on these forums, you will see that infidelity & betrayal is the WORST form of pain & hurt a person can ever go through…and that’s why God allow this as the only grounds for divorce. But it is possible for you marriage to recover if you are honest and open to your husband; willing to make amends in your marriage & showing true remorse and repentance. Right now you probably don’t feel guilty, shameful & regretful about you’re affair at all, but be prepared for these emotions to overwhelm you in full force if the “fog” starts to lift. If you tell your husband about the affair NOW before he finds out himself there will be a better chance for your marriage to recover and to win the trust of your husband back. Direct your husband to these forums so that he can get support from the people and other betrayed spouses. he will really need it.

Thirdly you and your husband need to print out the Emotional Needs Questionnaires and fill it out. Both of you need to find out what Emotional Needs is lacking in your marriage. It will also good if you and your husband can find a good Marriage Counselor and/or Individual Counselor.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 03:00 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Zahn, I didn’t notice you already received other replies as well. I see everyone gave you the same advice, so I hope this will encourage you and give you the strength to go out and make the right decisions. I understand you find yourself in a difficult place, but you need to do the right things. It’s not too late. We are here to support you and help you follow through with the right choices. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck,
Suzet

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zahn:
I can't believe that I'm really here</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">zahn, an "unfortunate" welcome to MB. Yes, you are really here at Marriage Builders. Don't expect anything less than the name implies. It's a step in the right direction for you to be here. I see you have already receieved some good advice and seen some of the pain that A's cause. Keep posting and reading if you really want to see the effcts your A is having to all involved. I didn't see it addressed but, you have children too? Please don't forget what effects he/she will be going through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I really do know what the right thing is to do, but I really do love the OM, and I don't want to hurt him either.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no question as the "right" thing to do. It's "how" to do it. There's no question on "if" you should tell your husband. It's "when and how."

About the other man...He's a big boy...if you know what the right decision is--*YOUR* words, then he's got his own mess to sort out. Trust us all: you need to spend all of your time and energy concentrating on the man you are married to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...its been 6 months,and it was alot easier when it was just a fling, which I felt bad enough...but now I have two people in love with me, and I love them both...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Easier for who? I think it was graycloud who said that you need to collect yourself for a minute, take a step back, and look into your situation and see what is going on. You also need to see it from your H's POV.

What you wrote, "It was alot easier," should concern you. So, are you saying that casual sex with this mutual friend of you and your H's was OK???? But now that you are "in love" it makes it more difficult to "decide"? There's been alot of research (that I am just finding out myself) on the initial chemistry that one experiences in a new R. Powerful stuff. Probably the feelings of "love" you are feeling. Graycloud went into that--what those feelings will do--I will refrain from repeating him. They are not what your M is based upon.

End A / tell H / MC / read and post here.

In *YOUR* words: you already know the right thing to do.

Best wishes.

Zahn,

There is NO WAY you can recover your marriage without your husband's help.

No.

Way.

In.

Hell.

You will continue to have unsatisfied needs, and the things the other man did for you that your husband didn't will remain for somebody else to come along and fill. You will resent your husband for not doing for you what the other man has done for you. But if he knows about it, he can learn to provide it.

Your husband needs to understand that his marriage is in the greatest crisis it will probably ever be in. You can't fix your marriage alone. There is no easy way to do it. You have to fix it together with your husband. Sorry, he must know.

GC

Hi Graycloud,

Thank you for your advise...and everyone elses I have alot of thinking to do....and it really helps reading these messages.

My husband is a wonderful man, and I think we will go see someone to talk about this together.

Thanks again,

Zahn

Hi Graycloud,

Thank you for your advise...and everyone elses I have alot of thinking to do....and it really helps reading these messages.

My husband is a wonderful man, and I think we will go see someone to talk about this together.

Thanks again,

Zahn

Zahn, when you tell your husband about your infidelity I suspect you will not be prepared for his reaction. You have firebombed his entire existence. For weeks he will be a shell, hopeless, fearful, no will to live. He will not be able to eat, keep from tembling, crying. He will dry retch from fear for his future and grief at the death of his old life. He will not sleep. For weeks.

You must ensure he sees a doctor early on to get A-D medication. And you better be darn sure of your decision to stay or go when you tell him.

When the other mans wife finds out she will suffer exactly the same symptoms. This is the evil that 'love'affairs engender.

Kid your self that yoru affaor is a love story if you want. Just be prapred for the hate reality that always unfolds as a result.

Sorry if I am not sympathetic to you here. I am being a practical as possible. Good luck to all involved. * sigh * more lives smashed needlessly....how depressing...

End the affair!!!! Yo owe it to your H to give your marriage a chance. You have a commitment to him and the OM has a commitment to his wife. You are both hurting other people. Just STOP!!!!!
Go to marriage counseling and fix what's wrong in your marriage!

Hello again Zahn.

I'd like to tell you about a metaphor that a person here at MB uses from time to time to illustrate the addictive nature of affairs.

Imagine a scale. A balance.

On one side is heaped all the guilt, hardship, uncertainty, and loss your affair creates.

On the other side, the good feeling you get from being with the other man.

If the good feeling outweighs the dreadfully serious consequences on the opposite side of the balance, you are an addict.

When single people become addicted to their "in love" feelings, they are able to pursue relationships with the people they get them from, and not do any damage. When married people become addicted, lives are demolished.

I am sorry if calling your feelings for the other man an addiction seems to trivialize them. People in affairs often think they have found their one true love, their soulmate. In fact, they've just found a new way to get high, and they rationalize it. They say, "I'm not the kind of person who has an affair, so this must be REAL love." But the truth is, you ARE the kind of person who has an affair, and you have the real meaning of love mixed up. You can't have a healthy relationship with the other man. It is doomed. There isn't any way around this. No matter how powerful your feelings for him are, you cannot ever escape the simple truth - the relationship is built on a rotting foundation. If the two of you leave your spouses, you will quickly discover this.

Good luck with your husband. Please stay here and try not to take it too personally if you get beat up on a little bit. There are lots of hurting people here, most at the hands of an unfaithful spouse. Your decision about what to do can serve as an inspiration to them, or it can give them more reason to lose hope.

This wasn't supposed to get so long, but you seem like you're ready to hear these things.

GC