Like I say, my marriage is over. I have good days and bad days, its just normal life going on. I am not leaving anything to H though. Its half and half. I worked also the time we been together.. I've only not work for a year and even that time I pulled out all my saving to help us. So I am in no way paying for his bad actions.

I intend to live here and HIM to move out. I am meeting new people FINALLY! I try to have fun in the weekends. His family thinks our marriage is picture perfect. This is how I am, when I want something resolve, I do something about it. When I don't I just ignore it until it goes away or blow up. They know about they affair, they don't know the "After-affair" issues.

YOu know how you can have boderline personalities.. well I am like that with him. I have this heart that won't let me be mean. Sometimes I want to make dinner, and only for me.. but oh well.. what's the use of eating alone and create an envirronment of bitterness, I just keep that to myself. I get along with him. It's perfect harmony. It's like living with a roomate now. It's ok. Except I'm not paying RENT!

My little business is providing me. It would be like working part time except I work less than 1/5 of that time hehe.. so the money is not so bad. (I keep that in the bank) I do pay for my food, and the house needs something, I buy it without looking. We're living in peace, no fight. Mr. has changed job..which is seems very happy about, he talks to me about it. It's like doing Plan B without the physical.. all hugs, kisses, touch is out of question. I listen to him, I respond when I have to. I stop laughing at his joke, because they weren't that funny anyways!

I even gave him a book, I went to the bookstore by myself on saturday and bought myself a book and him the Micheal Moore book he's been wanting for a while. My book is "How to get what you want and Want what you have." It's helping a lot to understand myself and they talk about love tanks too and filling them and how all of them needs to be filled.... I need friends at the moment more than anything. And I have accepted until 28, I will not really figure it all. It's ok though. I decided not to take any online classes, because I want to make friends. I am registering for in a french university, so its ok. Less money wasted. His mom told me its a great decision to want to teach at the moment and take things slow. She also noticed the detachment and do not want us to break up.

That's how I am. When I don't want to hurt anymore, I block out the hurt. I don't care if he kisses me anymore, I'm not worried about what he does online. It's really a lot of things OFF my shoulders. The more I cared, the more it hurts so no more! I know he still likes OW and I can't stop that.. but what I can do is love myself, have my friends around, and my other family members that loves me around. So I am healing a little bit....

I'm a bit slow emotionally to recover huh? But I wanted to do this right. For some reason, people might think there could be a glimpse of hope in my marriage, there is! There is always a future for me and him, but I think he isn't ready, and me around this time, I am going to find myself....or/and find someone else who is ready with me!!!

Hi,

Thanks for posting. Good to hear from you. Sorry your H is still out there in lala land.

U sound much stronger though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Glad to see you are moving forward.

What has he been up to? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


L.

harudah -

You sound much healthier now. However I would be truthful with WH about your true feelings. He needs to know that things aren't as picture perfect as it appears.

Then keep moving on with your life and working on yourself. You will find lots of friends.

Yeah Ark, I'm doing the "self help" thing. I'm not as hopeless and pathetic anymore. I feel good most of the days now. No need to buy wine to drown the pain at night.
He said he isn't talking to OW, but he does think about her. And he has done her wrong. so whatever.... He feels bad about her... (does he feel bad about what he has done to me?) ok another issue that...

H is has found a new job that he is happy about and is getting paid more monthly.. I think he get 5K more yearly.

I understand my H, really, I understand his past gets in his way to be happy with me. I just don't want his past to make ME unhappy. I pretty much give up on this marriage.... I'm not trying really like I have been.... try to be pleasant when I didn't feel pleasant, smile when I didn't want to smile, cook dinner .. prepare things the way he wanted. I did my PART for plan A..
Now is my silent plan B......a plan B to give me strenght and to empower myself... and become me.!


He has his life and I have mine. I've met couple of people and I have a group of girls inviting me to this meeting.. make ups and designer clothing thing... they want me to go. I'm still a bit reluctant to just go out like that, but I am doing it. I need to do it for me!

I noticed since I've stop paying attention to him or making him the center of my life he tends to want me closer, but I don't want him closer. When he is close to me, I do not feel right.

Yesterday since I didn't have any clients, I decided to iron his clothes since he has been going to work all weird and wrinkled. And at night he came inside the bedroom to say thank you. I just grumble back... the "you welcome"..

Then this morning he while I was sleeping, he came to kiss me bye... then he sent me card from work.
It's like he wants to do Plan A to me, while I'm moving to Plan B.. .he's always a bit slower.

I do not trust him, I care about him, but the love banks is getting empty....and that's why I went into plan B.....I was getting too bitter on Plan A...

And my Angel Beleiver, I'd be lying if I tell you I really want to talk to him about feelings. I don't want to talk to hima bout feelings. I want to go out on dates with other people truthfully. I need my own lover.

harudah -

The bitterness passes. After 19 months of this I can hardly remember my husband's name.

Continue to go out with friends and get your own life. At first I did not want to go anywhere. But once you do it, you will feel much, much better.

Not doing so well this morning....eecckk...one of my crazy days.. I have a client today and I want to be in good shape when she comes... I need the strenght of G1....Only G1 can save me right now. I feel so dirty inside. I feel disgusting at the moment.. Its' just momentarily, I know I feel better afterwards.. but I feel terrible.. I just want to cry. There are no tears coming out....

See my father cheated on my mom.. not once, twice, or three times, but MANY times. I knew all that ... and unconsciously that plays a part in my life. I never have any bad feelings about my father, I always even like him more than mom, but somehow I feel like history has repeats itself and that what my father has done, I might be paying for it.. its karma!

Anyways, my mom has always been strong, I never see her cry over it, mad, yet, but not cry over. She always remain straight face, and always have this heart that is so big. She even help the OC...weird huh? Sad **** goes down like that... but this song I feel ....

When I was 10 I had a live in babysitter, she had a pet
Kangaroo wore big breasts and feathers. She gave me ice
Cream every time I screamed and hollered and I loved her till I
Caught her sexing my father.

She gonna hurt you daddy never again, she wasn't a friend, so
I killed her. She gonna hurt you daddy never again she wasn't
A friend, so I killed her.

When I was 13 the plumber stopped by, the house was flooding
And no one knew why. Within no time at all he got
Rid of the water and I was grateful till I caught him plunging
My mother.

He gonna hurt you momma never again, he wasn't a friend, so
I killed him. He gonna hurt you momma never again he wasn't
A friend so I killed him, she gonna hurt your daddy never again,
She wasn't a friend, so I killed her. She gonna hurt you daddy
Never again she wasn't a friend, so I killed her.

And I don't feel bad about it. Say what? And I don't feel bad
About it. These are my fondest childhood memories. I was just
A kid, so they let me go despite the murders that I did â€' all
Grown up now as u can see, my parents are still happily
Married thanks to me.

These are my fondest childhood memories


But some rumors had it that my mom was going out with this doctor... but I don't know.. I can't tell.... maybe my parents had an open marriage, my dad never been mad at my mom. Although my mom always said they were rumors, just because she was a nurse.. and people do not like to see others being friends.

so this is my song......

When I was 10 I had a live in babysitter, she had a pet
Kangaroo wore big breasts and feathers. She gave me ice
Cream every time I screamed and hollered and I loved her till I
Caught her sexing my father.

She gonna hurt you daddy never again, she wasn't a friend, so
I killed her. She gonna hurt you daddy never again she wasn't
A friend, so I killed her.

When I was 13 the plumber stopped by, the house was flooding
And no one knew why. Within no time at all he got
Rid of the water and I was grateful till I caught him plunging
My mother.

He gonna hurt you momma never again, he wasn't a friend, so
I killed him. He gonna hurt you momma never again he wasn't
A friend so I killed him, she gonna hurt your daddy never again,
She wasn't a friend, so I killed her. She gonna hurt you daddy
Never again she wasn't a friend, so I killed her.

And I don't feel bad about it. Say what? And I don't feel bad
About it. These are my fondest childhood memories. I was just
A kid, so they let me go despite the murders that I did â€' all
Grown up now as u can see, my parents are still happily
Married thanks to me.

These are my fondest childhood memories