For what it's worth i wanted to give an update to those who are interested. i don't post much lately because i just don't have the time or energy to keep up w/all the threads, etc. I did find a new place to live, praise God. my mom came up this past weekend and she helped me move so there are just a few things left and will probably move those on saturday. my new place is a small house, 2 bedrooms, carpet, and a big fenced back yard. it only ended up being $25 extra a month then what i was paying. but of course the new place wanted a pet deposit and now i have to get everything switched over to the new place and that will probably be some additional fees. the new place is closer to church but farther away from work and the gym but that's just the way things are. i had to sign a year's lease and i'm sure by this time next year i should be able to be in a position to buy a house but we'll see.

because of the lack of response to paying some of the bills from my H and his last email i didn't email him last week and set up an appointment w/my lawyer for thursday to get more of an idea of what i need to do at this point. when i came in this morning i had this email from H waiting for me:

"I hope you are well. I just wanted to let you know that I will be
depositing the $350 into bank on Wednesday. I'm sorry it took longer than
wanted, but I had to save it up from work. Toni will be over Wednesday to give
me an updated apraisal of the house, so that will be getting underway. Don't
worry, I will have the items that need addressing fixed up before it goes on the
market. Now most importantly, I need you to send me your proposal on who should
be responsible for which bills we have. I am willing to go along with any
propasal you send send me within reason. I want to be fair and do not want to
fight over anything, so please let me know what you want. As I said earlier I
have begun the divorce. You will be served the summons in the next couple of
weeks. Please do not get mad or scared, this is the common process. That's why I
want you to tell me what you want to do regarding the bills so this can go as
smoothly as possible and you won't have to spend money towards the divorce. I
know you have been struggling having to pay the house paymaent, but hopefully
with its sale and with your truck payment being paid off in A month or two you
will be doing excellent with money. I realize there are other bills you pay so I
want you to tell me which ones you want me to be responsible for. If it is
within reason I will gladly do it. Please know I still think about you and how
you are doing up there. I want to make this as easy on you as possible."


i'm not going to respond to the email until i talk to my lawyer if i respond at all. i'm not scared about the summons, i've been expecting it. but it's still really hard to know what to do as far as what i should do on my end. i'm not going to tell him anything regarding the bills and what i think he should pay, etc. that's what mediation is for. this whole house thing is kind of difficult as well. i don't want the proceeds of the sale of the house (which will not be a lot after the real estate agent gets their fee) going to my H so he can fund his new life. i want the proceeds to go towards the marital debt. i'm hesitant to have the house signed over to me to deal w/because then i would have to get someone to check on the house, mow the lawn, etc. so i feel like i'm stuck.

but because of this email i do feel some renewed feelings of sadness and the thoughts that i don't know my H at all anymore and how he can continue to be the way he is. he just doesn't have a clue about me or the situation anymore. he's totally and has been in a self-serving mode and as i've said before doesn't have an accurate sense of all that's inovlved and thinks that everything is just going to be "okay." pretty much feel like beating him up right now. if i just could have a few minutes w/his body w/out his brain and hit and kick him a few times, maybe shave his head, i think that would make me feel a little power.

but that's not going to happen and i just need to not think about him right now. gotta go, prayers to all, RR

hi rr,

i just wanted to let you know i am interested and i care. I'm sorry things are going the way they are for you. It is so hard to understand sometimes, I know. Your ending line says it all, whatever happens, trust Him.

prayers to you.

Rough Road:

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> {{((((rr))))}} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just wanted to send you a quick response, so that you know we are out here and we do care.
(for what its worth....sometimes a little, sometimes ALOT)

Although this is a tough time, its good to see you at least beginning to protect yourself and not always thinking about WH.

Nice for you that you now have a place to live.
Great to get that distasteful task behind you. (As we know, YOU never wanted it to come to this).
Unfortunately since it has, Hopefully you'll make it a home as well as a house.

Proud of you that your letting your lawyer begin to earn his $money$.

Problem with what your H is writing is this:
What He thinks is "reasonable" and what YOU believe is reasonable, are most likely closer to day and night.
(We've all seen what he thinks is acceptable behavior....and it ain't OK).
So NO , he doesn't get to Decide what's resonable or Fair. AT least not For YOU! NOT anymore!

So excellent move in letting your lawyer handle the response (after all he/she has much more experience in these matters than you).

I trust your lawyer is advising you in what to do. Because yes, the proceeds from the sale of the home MUST go towards any "martial" debt FIRST!
Then (and ONLY then) can Any thing left over be Split up.

WH needs to wake up to reality that he has to fully settle with the old life and responsibilities BEFORE he gets to go Play in his new one.
Fortunately, There are just some things in life that even Fog can't hide you from.

However, I will say this much about your H. At least he did have the common decency to warn you about what was coming about the D, instead of just letting you be Totally shocked.

Not that it will hurt any less, just that you will have time to adjust to the reality of it....and therefore hopefully be able to handle it better (basically NOT let it Totally wipe you out emotionally) when it does come. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I feel really bad for you that its had to come to this.
I do feel you did just about everything you could do, so definitely NO Blame on your effort.

Hey, things may still work out........but until then, continue to look out for yourself and YOUR best interests.
take care

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

RR -

We are here and we do care about what happens to you. I read your H's email and it made me want to vomit. I can't imagine how you feel right now.

I'm glad you are in a new place. I hope you like it and I hope the dogs are happy there.

Have you had any more contact with the new recruit at your church? Has she returned from training yet? I think she will be a good friend for you.

Hi, RR.

I wish there was something great I could say. I hope you're doing all right. I think about you every day. {{{{{{{{{{RR}}}}}}}}}},

GC

Still glad to see that you are being prepared. Still sorry to see things moving forward in this manner. One day that "no regrets" thing will really boost you up and make you feel good. And not that we don't want to be charitable to others...but will your husband be able to honestly say the same? No. And so even now, you are so much better off than him, no matter *how* great things seem to him right now. I understand that this doesn't really help right now, but I think that one day it will. (And I promise that I'll try to remember to take my own advice and comfort myself when I need to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Your place sounds great. Hope it keeps you busy for a bit. Maybe a class at Home Depot to learn some decorating tips? They're inexpensive and would get you out of the house doing something fun and constructive!

thanks FL, TR, HW, GC, MK,

i know people are interested (i guess) i just kind of felt like i needed to write a disclaimer because i feel guilty for not posting much anymore and i just wanted to kind of make it clear that i didn't think i deserved attention more than others. does that make sense?

i'll let you guys know what the L says on thursday. i'm not replying to H until then. i'm kind of walking a fine line right now. i really don't want to "help" my H but at the same time have to be careful to protect myself and use my money wisely. so if his L is going to prepare the paperwork maybe i should let him and he would need to have all the financial information. however, I WILL NOT tell him what i think is fair, what my proposal is, and what i'm willing to settle for, that's what mediation is for and if he thinks he can get out of that, well he has another thing coming. if anything i would just send him a break down of all the bills (over $70K) and then see what his L comes up w/and then i would just counter offer w/my L. but again, that's for mediation.

Heroswife, yes the girl from bootcamp got back on friday and was in church on sunday. i met and spoke w/her briefly (i had only written her before, didn't meet her before she went to bootcamp). she's maybe 19 at the oldest but i think her maturity level is a lot lower. not that i don't think i can be friends w/her only that she was a lot less mature then i thought she would be. just listening to the way she talked about a few things, i was thinking to myself OMG it's like listening to someone in JR high. my mom was w/me and she thought the same thing. anyway, she's starting college this week and will be busy but certainly if she came up to me and wanted to do something together, i would.

Heroswife and MaddyK, as far as giving me something to do i think i have found it, or maybe I should say God showed me. my church dedicated our servicemen's center on sunday. we are now officially the headquarters for Armed Forces Baptist Missions. along w/that came having a "place" for single service men and women to "hang out" and get a home cooked meal and fellowship. the center will be open friday nights, saturday nights, and almost all day on sunday. they are going to have some computer terminals, games, TV, books, snacks, etc. a separate sunday school service on sunday mornings and a meal after church on sunday afternoons. i felt like i could offer something given i've been around the miltary all my life and was active duty, plus i have a lot of spare time, and i'm sure there would be some females come through that might like to socialize w/another female rather than feeling obligated to socialize w/only males.

i was telling my mom about it and all she kept saying this weekend was "this is it." this is your calling roughroad, this has your name written all over it, that i have so much to offer w/my background and talents that i needed to step up and volunteer. i had told the people previously i would be willing to help out but i guess they kind of forgot. anyway, during the dedication service sunday night they were talking about the veteran's hospital and how this one person worked there and that could be a source of contact for them, etc. after the service i was walking out w/my mom and the pastor was talking to us and he said, now don't you work at the VA roughroad? i said yes, and that my mom was poking at me all during the service telling me that i needed to speak up and help out because i worked there too. then we got to talking about the center and he said he would be happy to talk to the couple in charge and get me involved w/that ministry. so after the service they had refreshments over at the center (across the street from the church) and my pastor talked to the administrators w/me (they already knew me) and kind of talked about my background and how i virtually had nothing to do and had lots of free time (i was thinking thanks a lot pastor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) anyway, so i talked to the wife and she was glad i was volunteering because she thought that she would probably be the only female for the majority of the time and if anything her and i could just sit around and talk.

so there you have it, something for me to do. w/the new place that i'm moving to, i'm litterally 5 minutes away from the church and could be there more (especially if they have internet service). so starting sunday i'll be on a new venture and will keep you posted. it sounds like a great ministry and of course w/having a military base so close by were hoping to be able to bring a lot of the singles into the center and church. i feel this was an answer to prayer about God letting me know where he would have me serve and also helping to find something to do. so you see guys, i really am going to be okay.

i gotta go for now, prayers to all of you, RR

update....

spoke w/my lawyer again yesterday. talked about the house stuff, the division of debt, etc. he has assured me that even if a bill does not belong to the both of us (it's in both names) that if it was incurred during the marriage then florida law says it's 50/50 split of the marital debt. my h keeps talking about what's fair in regards to the bills and my L says 50/50 is fair and that if my H had a L w/any sense that they would advise their client accordingly. L told me not to sign anything (including listing agreement) until he sees it.

the realtor had sent me some paperwork overnight that i received last night and i'm going to fax it to L today. good news is that we will actually make a "good" amount of money on the property. of course my concern is w/the proceeds of the house and that it should be applied to the marital debt not just split 50/50 (so that H can fund his new life IMO). my L said i could go ahead and send a breakdown of all the bills to my H and say that the proceeds of the house should go towards the marital debt but NOT to tell him what I'm willing to take or offer.

so that's what i'm going to do today, send a breakdown of all the bills to my H and for the first time tell him that i have a lawyer. i kind of feel i need to do this at this point. not that i should really care what H thinks but i don't want him to think i'm stalling on the house. but i need time to discuss it w/my L before I sign and i have to sign before the house can be listed.

however, the other side is that i probably need to make arrangements to schedule movers to come to the house. doesn't seem like it will be on the market for very long. i had tentatively planned a trip to fl columbus day weekend to get a few things, have a yard sale, and clean a little. but now i probably need to mare arrangements for the movers to come while i'm down there. so that will be it, very sad. my L doesn't think that we will have to go to mediation, he's pretty confident that we can get everything worked out. i'm kind of skeptical but i just kind of have to cross that bridge when it comes.

but anyway, i'll continue to post here and there and give updates, hope everyone has a good weekend and prayers to all, RR