MyHeartsDesire,

I saw your reply in my topic about rings. I see it is your first post. I am re-posting your post in a seperate topic in the hopes of getting more comments on your post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Okay, everyone....I am new on this forum...

I am praying desperately for reconciliation in my marriage.
My affair was in 2001, has been over since 2001.
My husband filed for dissolution of marriage( I guess that's divorce)in Oct 2001.
Legal separation was granted July 2003.
This whole time my husband and I have still been living together and I have been doing everything to make our marriage work.
I have even given up monetary things in the separation papers in the hopes of saving my marriage.
My husband took off his rings July 2003 right after the legal separation papers were signed.
He was mad because in the papers he was going to have to pay for spousal support. I have not taken any money from him at all. In fact I have been continuing to let him take care of all our finances. Now, he has informed me that he has gone to his attorney and filed for divorce.
I have done everything to try to make our marriage work. He has said he doesn't feel the same. He has not told me loves me since April 2001. He does admit that there are still some feelings there (we have been married for almost 30 years). I do not want this divorce. He refuses to recover and move forward from the past.
I am so confused , and I think he is too. The weird thing is...we are still sharing the same bed, he is attentive and still kisses me goodbye. I don't think he wants to get a divorce. He thinks I will hurt him again and he says he says doesn't trust me. I am doing everything I can to protect my weaknesses and have told him it will not happen again.
I am trying to get him to call Dr Harley for a coaching session, but, he is leluctant. He says he doens't want to try and work on our marriage, does not want to be married and wants to just be by himself.
Please help me...I am so confused..
I am continuing to try to save our marriage.
I am also trying to see if he will agree to attending a Marriage Builders seminar that is coming up in November.
I only have 30 days to respond to his attorney regarding the divorce.
I don't want to get ugly, but, am confused about how to handle the money issues with this divorce proceedings.
Do I let go and give in to everything, or should I go back and fight for a reversal of what I have given in to as far as the monetary issues.
He said he was looking for a sign from God.
I had told him that I would not take any money, retirement etc. Then he said that was the sign he was looking for. Well, I have given in to everything and now , he still says he is getting a divorce. He says he thought it would make a difference, but it didn't.
I am asking for advice...what should I do? How should I proceed and handle this? I want to handle this from a heartfelt desire and biblical principles to restore the marriage.
Please help and please pray. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">30 years! i wish i had some magical advice for you. hopefully others will see this and offer their thoughts.

I have been very blessed that my H wants to work on our marriage. we had our 18yr anniversay yesterday.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs?? Have you read the articles here? Are you sure you are meeting his needs? Are you sure you know what his needs are?

30years is just too long to give up now!!

FL I also started a thread for MyHeartsDesire but nobody has yet to reply to it. I hope that other MBers decide to post to her soon otherwise she may just conclude that nobody here is interested in helping her.

MyHeartsDesire -

Well, I feel inadequate for giving advice today, but I wanted to say "Welcome to Marriage Builders," but also that I'm sorry you have to be here. Hang in there and hopefully more people will post their support to you.

All I can think of to say right now is "It ain't over till it's over." If you want to keep fighting for your marriage, don't give up yet, but do see an attorney to protect yourself and find out what your options are since your H has an attorney.

I believe that "with God, all things are possible." However, people can interfere with His plans and purpose. Keep praying, keep posting.

God bless,

Rose

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
[QB] MyHeartsDesire,
[QUOTE] He said he was looking for a sign from God.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, hiya FL and congratulations!

MHD...I'm not sure of what "advice" I can give you. But, I threadjacked FL's own thread (?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ??) to show you, alot of the time, M's *do* work out. Alot of pain and hard work, but they do. Even in your sit.

"He was looking for a sign from God." But, did he pray? God always answers us. Always. May not be the answer we want, but He always does. (Maybe it's just me (I don't know your full sit), but is he actually using God as a sacpegoat here?!?!) My first response was that scene where Cher slaps his face and says, "Snap out of it!" (I just visioned it with a HNHN book <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .)

There has to be some reasoning to his D that you are just not understanding. I don't have advice to give in this sit, though. However, with 30 days left (less now), I'm not sure if you are doing the right thing by protecting your interests. Yes, the reasons why you did not pursue any $$ was to try and show your H *you* still want this M. But, your back is against the wall. Contact your lawyer yesterday. I know you said he wouldn't do SH C, but what about IC and MC?

I hope and pray you can take something out of my post--if anything, our support here.

Best wishes and God bless.

I can definitely relate to you FL. I hurt my hsuband terribly, oh so terribly. I want so desperately for our marriage to work out. We have a two year old and our second child is due in January (he says he is not the father). The A ended last August. I denied the truth until Feb of this yr, then confessed in MC. We attended MC for a couple months until H decided he no longer wanted to attend. The fighting continued, sometimes got better and sometimes worse. He filed for divorce on Aug. 05. I only have a couple days to respond to his papers. I don't want to do this. It makes me sick to think about it. After the papers were served on me he did leave the house and go live with his brother and his family for about two wks. He came back home, and since then we have slept in the same bed, made great love, just had a really good time together. He says he loves me, needs me, can't live without me and doesn't want a divorce but he will not go file for reconciliation. He says that we will just continue to work on things in the process. I'm totally confused about what's going on. God, I love this man so much and I want this to work so bad. I'm doing everything in my power to make him change his mind but it's not working. And God apparently is not working on my time either. I don't know what to do from here. My H quit wearing his ring last August. I have worn mine faithfully since Feb. I took mine off the day the papers were served. It hurt me to bad, the way that he went about filing. I had no clue he was going to do this. Looking at those rings just made me sick, but I put my weddding band back on yesterday. I am still married and will be till it's over. So I have decided to keep my band on until the divorce is final. Hopefully he'll change his mind before then. Things aren't looking hopefull for us though. I dread it. I can't imagine life without this man. Just last night, I was holding him in the bed and out of the blue I thought to myself "I'll no longer be able to do this someday" and I just started crying. H kept asking what was wrong, but I don't want to just keep on and on crying about everything. Sorry this was so long, I didn't intend for it to be. Sometimes I just start and can't stop. I desperatly need someone to talk to on a daily basis, someone to express my feelig towards. After I read your post, I thought..."I'm not the only one who feels this way". Godd luck.

Dear Finally Learning~

Thanks for helping me out here and starting a new post for me.
I have not purchased "HisNeeds/HerNeeds" yet.
I have purchased "Surviving an Affair" and "Torn Asunder" (recommended from Dobson,"Focus on the Family")my BH has not read Surviving an Affair yet.
BH started reading "Torn Asunder"(which is also about surviving affairs and healing)and got as far as Chapter 3, "Healing from Affairs" and stopped reading. BH is holding on to anger and is unforgiving.
I have read through Marriage Builders website and have had one counseling session with Steve Harley last week.
I have also been in counseling with another Christian counselor for over a year.
Steve would like to talk to BH now. I am trying to get my BH to call Steve. He is reluctant. BH has hardened his heart. BH keeps holding on to the scripture that says you can get a divorce if there is adultery. But, does not regard the scriptures about forgiveness, commitment and God hates divorce.
I have also printed out the info for a Marriage Builders seminar in November, in hopes of convincing BH to give this one last thing a try before dissolving our marriage totally.

Ok, here's the weird thing. BH filed for divorce 10/01. We got to court finally in 7/03 and BH changed it to legal separation. We have still been living together this whole time. House has been up for sale 12/03 and did not sell 7/04.
Now BH again has contacted atty., 8/04 and filed to change legal separtion to divorce. I have until 9/25/04 to respond.
The weird part is BH up until that time had still been kissing me, being intimate, going on family vacations together, he still does things for me, we go out to dinner and even go to church together.
I am so confused and I think he is too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I really don't think he wants to get a divorce.
He says he doesn't trust me and thinks I will do this again.
I have learned so much from reading the the info on Marriage Builders and I know we can save our marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have repented and am doing everything I know to try to save our marriage.
The problem is BH says he doesn't think he wants to try. Says he doesn't want to be married anymore and wants to just be by himself.

BH keeps telling me if I want to resume contact with the other guy to go ahead. I think BH is just testing me to see if I will.
I have told BH that I have no desire to do that and BH knows that I do not want a divorce.

Have other former wayward spouses been through this? What else should I do?

Any encouragement, advice, would be much appreciated.


My Hearts Desire~**

OOPS! My hearts desire...sorry, I just posted a reply for you...but referred to you as JL. Sorry, don't know what I was thinking. I have being doing that a lot lately.

TMCM, i didn't notice your topic, thanks for doing that. I certainly didn't think the post would get any feedback buried in my topic. looks like this has worked though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LINY, hiya back and thanks for the congrats.

dontwanttolosehim, sorry to hear you are in so much pain. i will post to you more in your topic.

MyHeartsDesire,

I think LIYN is right:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There has to be some reasoning to his D that you are just not understanding. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">or maybe you are... you said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says he doesn't trust me and thinks I will do this again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">one thing i have learned here is.... the more you look at what improvements you can make instead of what you wish your S would change the more successful you will be. loving/giving without expectations. do you know your H's top needs? do you know how he needs to be shown love?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am doing everything I can to protect my weaknesses </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">have you talked directly about this? what are the things you have done? my best guess is that he does not feel safe.

by his slowness of actions towards getting a divorce, i would conclude you are right when you say you don't think he really wants a divorce. however, something is still bothering him. you have to get down to the bottom of that.

Thank you everyone that has responded to my post.

I am feeling rather anxious today.
I am scared and a nervous wreck...I can't seem to function..I am procrastinating contacting my attorney. I know that I need to, but, I am hoping that my husband will have a change of heart, so, that I don't have to.

I am trying to keep the faith and trust in the Lord to heal and work a miracle I guess.

I feel sick inside also, because of what I have done to our family. I have this huge lump in my throat that just won't go away.

Please pray for me....I know God in is control..
I can't stop crying.....

I have done everything I can to continue to show love, even though I am not being told in return that he loves me.

I am making sure to do everything I can to restore the trust he has lost in me.

I don't know what else to do...
I have told him..I will not do this again..
God has totally changed my heart and attitude.

I have just continually kept praying that God would change me first and then in time I know God can heal and change my husbands heart.

I don't know what else to say to him to convince him that I will not hurt him again.
This has hurt so bad..and now that I risk losing him... and breaking up our home and family..

I guess I finally grew up.

After finding the MB website and reading all the topics, I realize we have both made huge mistakes by NOT meeting each others emotional needs.

I know God can heal our marriage...
my husband still says he has feelings, although he won't say he loves me.
He says he doesn't wnat to get that close again for fear of being hurt again.

Sorry this is so long....

Any advice out there????

Please continue to pray for us.....
Blessings.....

I could use some hope, help. I am doing everything I can to restore trust...now, because I was honest about what I was doing on the computer on this site...my betrayed husband is using it against me.
He has also started posting on here and is not being totally truthful. He is using accusations and assumptions to plead his case for filing for divorce.
What he did not say is what all I "HAVE been doing" for the past 3 years. Like going to counseling, coaching with Steve ( which he won't do)moving forward and trying to restore and rebuild our marriage. He also did not tell everyone that I have been making huge Love deposits without getting any in return. I have been walking in faith that God will heal and restore our marriage and that in time, through seeing "my change" that his change of heart will come.
I am very frustrated by this turn of events and now I am not wanting to be on the forum any longer because of this.

can'ttrusther(BH) and MyHeartsDesire(WW),

I am going to post this same post on both of your threads, and I am going to warn you now...I doubt if either one of you is going to like this.

There is one thing that is glaringly obvious about BOTH of you, and that is that neither one of you presented a full, complete, and honest picture of what is going on. can'ttrusther, you made your pursuit of divorce more justifiable by printing all the affairs but completely leaving out the last three years worth of the WS going to individual counseling and marriage counseling and trying to save the marriage. And MyHeartsDesire, you LB'ed right in front of us. You lied by omission about have FIVE affairs, not just one 14 years ago and one lately (apparently there was a PA in 1991; another instance visiting a single man with the kids sitting in the car until 1am; a EA/PA that started on the internet before HS Reunion; and two more instances of at least EA's with men on the internet via email with suggestive and inappropriate sexual talk) . Furthermore, you have taken a place where your H--the spouse you betrayed repeatedly--came to talk to others who were also betrayed--and you threadjacked his topic and publicly "corrected" and probably discouraged him from ever coming on here and learning any of the concepts or anything. This is now an UNSAFE place for him to write his real feelings, because any time it is not matching YOUR reality, he is now going to be publicly LB'ed by the wife that says she's trying to save the marriage. (Her H's thread is on the Divorcing/Divorced forum titled "repeated affairs and dishonesty" by can'ttrusther.)

SOOOooo...with all that in mind, I suggest that you two GET REAL with yourselves and with us, and tell the whole, entire truth. can'ttrusther, it is clear to me that whether she had two affairs or five, you feel REPEATEDLY violated and betrayed, and despite saying, "please don't do this, it hurts me and harms our marriage" she continues to do the things that betray you and then say "but I want to stay married to you.' And MyHeartsDesire, it is clear to me that you are minimizing the depth of the hurt and betrayal that your actions have caused to your husband, and if you really want to remain married, I would suggest that ON YOUR OWN, of your own willingness to become a better woman and person, you consider:
1) pulling the plug on your computer and taking a sledgehammer to it so that you never, NEVER, NEVER get another email or get tempted by the PC again.
2) going to SLAA--Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous--because you obviously have issues relating to continuously turning to other men for your "love" fix.
3) being completely, transparently honest with your partner and ALLOW him to see anything you ever do on the PC (before you destroy it of course), allow him to see your cell phone and bills, allow him to know your schedule and where you are and with whom, and always take a witness so that you can live uprightly and beyond reproach--avoiding even the APPEARANCE of something wrong.

can'ttrusther, if you truly believe she has cheated on you emotionally, if not physically, five times, I do not blame you for not trusting her. However, I would say that 30 years is a lot of time invested to end it without a fight from you. This means that you have to change too. Speaking as a BS myself, you do have some responsibility in this relationship, and part of your vows when you became husband and wife was a promise that you would consider her as you make decisions, that you would meet her needs, that you would spend time with her and protect her. Are you doing those things? What are her emotional needs? Could she be turning to those OM because she gets NO emotional needs met at home? Yes, she ultimately makes the decision to stray, so don't think I'm putting her responsibility on you--but it makes common sense that if she's treated like a doorknob at home and desperately WANTS to have those needs met at home, but she's continuously rejected, LB'ed, and spurned at home--eventually she'll go elsewhere.

Both of you take your eyes off yourself for a moment at look at your partner. You promised to love, honor, and cherish that person. Ask your own self if your actions (past and PRESENT) are actions that are demonstrating love, honor, and cherish. If they are not, then sincerely repent, get things right with God and then get things right with your partner. Accept the consequences of your choices to be unloving, dishonorable, and disrespectful and if ya did the crime, do the time! Then, CHANGE YOUR SELF. Stop waiting for your partner to change or for some miracle--change yourself. can'ttrusther, meet ONE of her needs and tell her you are doing it!!! MyHeartsDesire, start ACTING in ways that are trustworthy and OPEN.


CJ