As you know, I have been working hard at making sure I don't LB and improving communication with my H. For the most part, it seems to be going pretty well- less spats, less raised voices, and a better feeling of connection (at least on my part.) I did however lose my temper yesterday. And this is my problem- while I am trying hard not to LB, (and I do understand that I am the one with the major issues) I do feel like certain of MY needs aren't necessarily being met. Yes, I know it's EARLY days to be expecting him to make a big change in his behavior based on my behavior. When though is it appropriate to try to talk to him about things that I really need from him that I don't feel that I am necessarily receiving (affection- physical and verbal etc.) I had tried to get him to do the Emotional Needs quiz in the old bad days before I discovered this forum and got some good advice, but he wasn't interested. I don't want to push him. Do I give this a week? A month? 6 months before I try to have a good discussion with him about needs that I feel that I have? This is probably more appropriately posted on the Emotional Needs bored, but I'm posting here b/c you have given me such good advice!

Hi,

I guess it depends on your man. It took me eight months to get my husband to reluctantly fill it out. Then he threw it away before I could evaluate it. I hope your husband is more receptive than mine.

Sadww...I'll take the (or anyone) part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Was there infidelity involved? If so then be aware that you are going to be rebuilding on your own for awhile. He may or may not meet your needs, but you should not expect him to.

If there is no infidelity involved...take some heart from Michelle Weiner-Davis (Did you read Divorce Remedy? It might be particularly helpful in your situation).

When you change your behavoirs, do not expect immediate reciprocal changes in your husband. It's generally recommended that you try your new method for a couple of weeks before you discard it and try something else. Also, you need to take notice of BABY STEPS...any improvement is an improvement, even if it's a small one. It means that what you're doing is working and you should keep doing it.

Something Michelle recommends doing is that when you make goals...picture what things will be like when your goal is accomplished. Suppose affection is one of your EN's. You say to yourself, "When my husband is showing me more affection, he will be touching me more, saying "I love you" at least once a day, and surprising me with small notes or gifts". That might not be what affection is to you..but the point is to picture what you would like to happen once your husband's behavoir is changed.

When you evaluate your progress on the effect YOUR behavoirs are having...look back at that goal and see if you're moving to that picture. And remember BABY STEPS.

Sad,

This is always a tough one. But I will offer you my opinion and how I might approach this. No one likes to hear they are failing and that sort of what a need talk is about isn't it. So how to sugar coat it?

I would ask him if he has noticed that you have been a bit more calm these days. I then tell him that YOU have decided that you did not like how you two were interacting and have been working on controlling your anger and your natural tendency to tell him how to run things. You realize you are not perfect, but you want to do this better because you are finding that you enjoy him more with a calm atmosphere.

Next tell him this is actually harder than you thought it would be, as some of these behaviors are pretty deeply engrained. Because of that YOU NEED HIS HELP. Could he help you by...(here is where some of your needs start to come forward).

You might want to start with feedback from him.

Acknowledgement if he has a good time and likes what you are doing. This acknowledgement doesn't have to be verbal, you will gladly accept a kiss and/or a hug. You just need encouragement.

Further, you need to understand what he is thinking (it is the feedback thing). It is important to you that you know these things so that you can continue to work on yourself.

Sad, it is my feeling that if he responds in a manner that is at all positive go with it. Start with this, comment on things he does to help, thank him, and you will see his defenses come down. I am sure he does not trust the changes or even understand them, but with your explanation and feedback you will start to see changes.

It will take awhile as old habits and responses die hard. One final thing, make sure you compliment him in front of others, don't patronize him, but make sure people know you feel good about him. That can be nothing more than walking over to him and taking his hand and listening to him talk.

Sad, you are learning new behavior, and he is going to have to learn new things as well. As you talk to him, he may become curious about why you have changed, tell him your thinking and where you have been getting information. Tell him your goal and what you want to have with him. You don't just want children with him, you don't just want a baby sitter, you want him as your Husband, friend, and lover.

Honesty Sad will help, but especially if it is focused and followed by consistent actions.

You can do this. Just give it time and have patience.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maddyk:

Was there infidelity involved? If so then be aware that you are going to be rebuilding on your own for awhile. He may or may not meet your needs, but you should not expect him to.[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes there was infidelity involved- on my part. I had 2 A's over 8 years ago. He has known for 5 years. I originally came to this forum looking for advice on how to help my marriage recover from my A's. Just Learning helped me to realize that it seems that the *real* issues in my marriage have less to do with my A's then with my LB's. I don't know how to find my original posts or I would link them here. Since that realization
I have been working hard at decreasing my LB's and striving for calm rational communications between my H and myself. Thank you for the very good advice!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Sad,

You might want to start with feedback from him.
Acknowledgement if he has a good time and likes what you are doing. This acknowledgement doesn't have to be verbal, you will gladly accept a kiss and/or a hug. You just need encouragement.
Further, you need to understand what he is thinking (it is the feedback thing). It is important to you that you know these things so that you can continue to work on yourself.
It will take awhile as old habits and responses die hard. One final thing, make sure you compliment him in front of others, don't patronize him, but make sure people know you feel good about him. That can be nothing more than walking over to him and taking his hand and listening to him talk.
JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent advice. THANK YOU! I will do this! I'm going out of town on business tomorrow - but will implement this as sson as I return. Thanks!!!!!