OK, I'm not sure what to think about this but I need your prayers and thoughts.

I just spoke to my husband and he agreed to try counselling with the Harley's. We will not do this until I get a job and we'll be doing it 50/50 price wise.

He said that he is not sure if things can be worked out. I asked him if there was a way to negotiate a way to do *something* simply for the promise we made to each other five years ago. I asked him that if I can accept that he feels that he doesn't have much to give, if he would try counselling via phone. He said, "yes, we could try that."

So 1)Please pray for me that I will see God's will for me and do everything I can to accomplish what He wants. If you could also add into that prayer that His will be that my husband and I reconcile, I sure would appreciate it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Please pray for me that my husband will let down his walls enough, open his heart enough to give this a chance. Please pray for me that the Harley's will be able to plant the seeds of hope in my husband.

And 2) Your thoughts on this? I am honestly not putting a ton of stock into my husband's agreement (meaning, I'm not reading anything into it except that he agreed to it) but I do feel that it's a baby step forward.

Also 3) I am not ready to make my first appointment yet..but what should I expect? I'll be talking to the Harley's alone at first. Will they ask me pointed questions to see what's going on or am I going to have to offer my perspective from scratch? Then my husband will be talking to them alone. But what then? Do we talk together or just go back and forth alone? (I assume this is different for different couples..just wondering what I should expect). Finally, how much confidence is there between our individual sessions? I want my husband to feel safe in confiding to the Harley's. Since this is marriage coaching, I'm not sure of the level of confidence? Or is this up to each individual couple?

Maddy,

I will pray that your family be reunited again.

You're post almost made me cry, you sound so sincere, I know that your love is sincere and that you are only asking for what I'm sure is Gods will, for you and your husband to be together as you promised to be.

I really don't have the words, but what you said, and how you said has really touched me.

You are so young and you have so much to give, I will pray that you have the chance to give it to your husband in the way that you promised to when you married in him, and he you.

Bless you Maddy!

Weaver

awwww, weaver...now *you* made me cry. Lol, I didn't even cry when I was talking to my husband!

^bump

Hi Maddy,

I too will pray for you and your marriage.

As to what to expect from your sessions...my WH and I talked with Jennifer and each session was pretty much the same: one or the other of us would start (alternating with each session) and talk with Jennifer alone. Then we'd switch and the other person would talk, alone. At the end of the session we would all three talk and Jennifer would recap where we were and discuss what we would do between then and the next session.

So the format of the call was always the same; the only thing that changed was who started the one-on-one.

Now, you're going to look at my sig line and see we are still separated, and H is living with OW. Don't take this as a failure of our sessions with Jennifer. Unfortunately, while Jennifer and I didn't know it at the time, the A was still going on, and H was just going through the motions for appearance sake. So the sessions were doomed to fail. You can't work on your marriage while the A partner is still in the picture.

Best of luck, Maddy.

Lord God of broken hearts, I pray you inject your peace and love into Maddyks broken marriage. Open their eyes lord to the wonderful future they could have together, so that they both see the same light place where they may end up in the distance through their own dark mist of unhappiness.

Almighty God who cares for every sparrow that drops to the ground, surround these two and all affected by this affair with your love and move all obstacles to their reunion. We know that you LOVE marriage and HATE divorce Lord. Please move their marriage to YOUR template Lord, not to the worldly dance that led them here.

Father God I pray in Jesus' WONDERFUL name.

Amen.

IsAGirl..thanks for sharing yoru experience. My husband and I aren't living together so I'm not sure how we'd alternate discussions.

My husband is dating others (not OW) during our separation. He will not currently agree to not date others. In fact we spoke on the phone yesterday about a few things and I noted that how when we separated I felt he loved me a lot and seemed more willing to do things to try and rebuild. I said that I felt that had changed. He said that yes, it's hard for him to commit to me while I'm not there. He has been deliberately detaching himself from me and is less willing.

Will the counseling help? I dunno. I don't feel that it could hurt...and I'm looking at this as my true last ditch effort.

I don't know if you've read roughroad's posts or not but our situations seem fairly similiar. Her husband kind of left and never looked back though I think he's still with OW. This is my husband too..once he made the decision...I know that SH did NOT recommend a plan B with her husband and I don't think it would help in my situation either.

And yet I still get confusing signals from him. "I love you and always will but for some reason have never been able to commit 100% to you." "You are my closest friend and you're the only one who knows everything about me." "I can see the value in working on things but then...." Again...I don't have high expectations, but I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I feel that if I let things continue at their current pace that they will just detoriorate further. I feel that if I plan B then I am allowing him to detach himself even further from me. Yes, he would miss me but I am in one of those positions of plan A'in from VERY afar...I don't feel that plan B is appropriate here. My hope is that the counseling will give him some hope. I dunno.

hey maddy, just getting logged onto the computer this morning. as far as my thoughts? well it couldn't hurt to read my sessions with steve harley thread again to give you an idea. i know you know my H did a couple of sessions w/SH and neither one of us talked to SH at the same time because it involved 3 different states. plus that's not really the approach that i went with, that it was to help us. i approached it as it was something to help me and that's what i would recommend you do as well. i would not concern yourself w/getting your H to talk w/the harley's right now. it's great that he even considered it.

you said yourself that it might be awhile due to your job/$$ situation so what i would do is just think about a couple of sessions w/just you first then bring your H on board. the first session is mostly background information and this can take quite a bit of time. harely will ask you to clarify various things and you may have time to ask a few questions. make sure and write those down before hand and also when you call to have a notebook for notes. SH will even give you things to say to the spouse. that's the beauty of the counseling w/SH is that it is immediate professional feedback specific to your situation and he will help you approach your H about counseling in the future. like i said maybe the best way to approach the subject is that by your H talking to the harleys it's helping you because it's helping them have a perspective in order for you to achieve the most success.

i would kind of back off on all the counseling and R talk right now. remember what your goal is right now to rebuild your friendship. you've planted a seed and SH can help you do that as well. because he may agree to it now but maybe by the time it comes around (after you've had a couple of individual sessions) he may not be so agreeable to the sessions. but as you've said it's a baby step and that's great.

yep, my H is still w/OW and don't expect that to really change within the next 6 months. i feel that (and like you alluded to) that he doesn't want to look back and that he has made some decisions and doesn't want to seem weak because of that. afterall, he was weak for all those years by not communicating to me the way he was feeling. SH also agreed that sometimes that often the WS feels obligated after they've done certain things (moved in w/OP, introduced to family, etc.) because if they backed out it would make them seem weak. also because they still forecast a future w/the BS based on the past which was filled w/such "unhappiness." i would concur that your H is trying to detach and this would be expected and would be validated by SH. i feel that most of my H right now is about not hurting the OW. he's already hurt me so hurting me more is not that big of a deal to him. but he hasn't hurt the OW "yet" and so that's his mode right now and after all she makes him so happy and they are soul mates and she would never hurt him the way i did and now he is a man for the first time in his life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (can you feel the sarcasm)

i think if nothing else the counseling will help you. i can't say this enough, that's it's about looking back and not regretting what you could have done or what you did do during this time. you have a long, rough road <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ahead given your june time frame and a lot of things can change between now and then. even between now and next month. i truly believe that SH will help you navigate through these times and guide you in the best way for you given your goals and situation.

also though, like you have alluded to, is the counsel of God. He is the best, he's always avialable, he's always right, and he's free. many here will be praying for you and don't hesitate to ask for prayer from people you are in contact with "in person." if nothing else you could just ask them to pray for God's will to be done in your life as well as your husband's and this covers EVERYTHING. because it's not God's will that spouses be w/other people outside a marriage. it may not be God's will that your marriage be rebuilt but when you pray for God's will then your also asking for God's will to be revealed to you so that you know what he would have you to do if this marriage is not in God's plans for you. make sense?

gotta go, keep us posted, and prayers to you, RR

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>