About 2 months ago my wife found out i was talking to another woman by checking the call id on my cell phone. She kicked me out that night. I have been honest with her through this whole ordeal. I got her number one day to do some work on her house. That was what the calls were first about. I went to the OW one night after the bar closed and talked to her on the phone a few times. We never had sex or anything even close, she was just someone to talk to like one of the guys. I'm not one bit attracted to this lady but my wife says even if we didn't have sex that i had some emotional attachment to her which is not the case. She gets upset when I won't admit it was an affair. i understand what i did was wrong but what do you think?

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: firemob1 ]</small>

Welcome to marriage builders. Let's see, you had no interest in this woman, but went to her house after the bar closed, and have continued to talk to her secretly on your cell phone (like one of the guys). Is that right?

I did talk to her secretly on the phone, I have not seen or talked to her since the night my wife found out

Welcome to MB, mob. Perspective. That is the only other thing I have to add to believer's post. (If you want to get to the bottom of it, it's a question you need to ask.)

And to top this whole thing off, the night my wife kicked me out, I went to the OW house to find out what was going on because my wife had called her. And my wife caught me there.

Okay, so you went to see her after the bar closed and talked to her secretly until your wife found out. But you had no interest in her. Now I understand.

Do you have any idea why you went to her house, and talked to her secretly?

Why did you keep your phone conversations with this other woman a SECRET from your wife?

Or rather why did you feel you NEEDED to keep them secret?

What would've happened if you talked to this woman on the phone with your wife in the same room, listening to every word of the conversation? Would the content of your phone call have upset your wife in any way? Care to give any example of topics of conversation?

Sorry, you've hit a nerve here with me, my exH "had to have" private phone conversations with his 2 female friends, "because they were going through such stressful times in their lives, and he was one of their few friends," Now he is romantically involved with one of them.

As your W says, there's an emotional connection there between you and this OW.....one that should not exist. Intimate emotional relationship with women in your case should be restricted to those with your wife, and maybe your mother or sister.

The topic/question of your thread was "did I have an affair?" Yes, you had an EA, an emotional affair. You don't have to have sex to betray your wife. You have betrayed her emotionally. You had private conversations with another woman that you intentionally kept secret from your wife. Tell your wife you'll never talk to that other woman ever again if it's your wife you love, and if that other woman truly doesn't matter to you. Perhaps even write an MB no-contact letter to this OW. Then perhaps your wife will take you back.

Jen

She was at the bar i was at, she asked me what i was doing and if i wanted to come over for a beer. I had no intentions of doing anything with her. And nothing happened. I did know she found me attractive though and i know i was wrong for going over there. As far as the phone calls go, it was basically a "hey what's up" type of conversation. I didn't let my wife in on the calls because i knew it was wrong. This only went on for about two weeks with two half hour phone calls. But as the cell phone records show, there were more phone calls than actual conversations.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I did know she found me attractive though and i know i was wrong for going over there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aha, in classic MB speak, this OW met your need for admiration and perhaps also appreciation. That's why you felt drawn to spend time with her, in person and on the phone.

Jen

So after your wife threw you out, you went to OW's house and your wife caught you there?

What would you think if you and your wife's roles were reversed?

I think it is time for you to stop going to the bars.

Thanks for the reply Jen. As far as the content of the conversations went, we talked about doing work for her, my dads death and my job. It wasn't x-rated conversations either. I hid it from her because yes, I was talking to another woman and it was wrong. I do love my wife very much and want desperately to get back with her and she knows it. And like I posted before, I have not seen or talked to the OW since this all went down.

That is probably true Jen. And I know believer, it doesn't look good and i would be upset with her too. I don't go to the bars that often and when I did it was usually with my wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by firemob1:
<strong> I didn't let my wife in on the calls because i knew it was wrong. This only went on for about two weeks with two half hour phone calls. But as the cell phone records show, there were more phone calls than actual conversations. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's pretty apparent that you knew what you were doing was wrong or you wouldn't have kept it a secret. Nor does a married man have any business going to some woman's house alone after the bar closes. Married men don't go to womens apartments after the bar closes to read the bible or talk about waxy buildup. I seriously doubt y'all sat there and read the bible together and your W would be a fool to think nothing happened. It's very insulting to try and tell her so.

If you want to recover from this and move forward, I would stop the excuses and just tell her the truth. Anything less than the truth won't work because your story doesn't even ring true. She will sense you are lying.

Just get it out NOW so you can move forward. She already knows something happened and will find out sooner or later. May as well face the music like a man NOW and get it over with.

Hmmm... is there any reason why you didn't feel comfortable talking to your wife about your father's death? or about your job?

Think about this one carefully.....it could be the reason why you felt you needed to reach out to someone else to talk about these things.

(You should be able to talk to your wife about these things.)

Jen

Thanks Melody, but nothing happened that night. And yes i was wrong, that isn't how a married man is supposed to act. The OW was telling her best friend what was going on after my wife found out thinking she could tell her everything. Her best friend knows my wife (somehow) and was basically telling her word for word what was said. Nothing happened.

Something's just not adding up here.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
There's something we are missing, mob, and I am not neceesarily saying *you* are the one leaving bits of the story out, but it's just not adding up! I also am curious as to why the OW got on the phone so quick with your W.

Believer, any more questions to sort this out?

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

Jen, my father passed about a year ago. The OW father is not doing well, that is why we talked about it. I am a fire fighter and do construction on the side. The OW was intrigued by my job and had a lot of questions. My wife and i could talk comfortably about anything

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by firemob1:
<strong> I didn't let my wife in on the calls because i knew it was wrong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand what you mean. You said you did nothing wrong so how could the calls be "wrong?" None of this adds up, fire, and that is because your story is conflicting.

If you were doing nothing wrong then why were you hiding the calls? You can't say that you were doing nothing wrong and then turn around and say you "knew it was wrong." Why was it wrong if you were doing nothing wrong? Don't you see that is not logically consistent?

See, I work in an all male industry and have for years. I have SEVERAL male friends and associates. I would never go to a single male's house, but if a "friend" called me I would not hide it from my H unless I was doing something wrong. My H KNOWS all my male friends and they know him. That is because there is nothing to hide.

Fire, people who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 10:22 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

The night it all happened my wife and I were watching TV and my cell phone rang. I picked it up and saw on the caller id it was the OW. I answered it and pretended like no one was there. My wife asked who it was and I said I didn't know. I didn't know but she heard someone on the other end saying hello hello. So that night when i was in bed, she got on my cell and looked up the calls and called the OW to see what was going on.

Melody, I was hiding it because I was talking to another woman. If my wife was talking to someone that was a guy and who I didn't know, I would be upset too. I guess it was flattery that got me in trouble. To me an affair is when two people have sex or become emotionaly attached. Niether happened. I was not sexually attracted to her nor did I have feeling for her.