We went to counciling last winter and since then our marriage has been at its best.
Your marriage is now at its best and you are kicked out of the house?
How bad was it at its worst?

Mob...glad to see you're still with us.

Adding to Chris' post: What were those other issues?

The other issues.....I am a very moody person, but I have learned to control this for the most part. Another grey area is my step son. We really have never been close. Wife was married before 1 month out of high school, had a son and divorced after about 2 years. I have been in her sons life since he was 1, he is now 13. He is a good kid and I never disliked him. But I guess I kinda favored our own two sons over him, they are 9 and 6. My biggest problem with him is, I think, is part his mothers fault. You see, my wife hates her ex. And she babied her son, let him get away with anything so that he would like staying with us more than with his father. Now he is 13 and very lazy. Has never done anything around the house. And when he is told things, like don't eat in the living room, take your shoes off in the house, put your dishes in the dishwasher, he has to be told everyday. And when I tell him these things everyday, I'm the mean one. About 3 months ago my sister was over and she threw something away and the trash was full. She told him to take the trash out and he just kinda laughed and walked away. His last report card was bad, he was grounded until his grades got better, he whined and cried and it lasted about a week. My wife and I have been talking without arguing for about a month. I am doing everything possible to get her back. Flowers, cards, kissing her [censored]. I have apologized ever since it happened over and over again and have taken full responsibility for my actions blaming no one but myself.

A person who has really seen the errors of their ways..

and truly has come to a place where they understand in both actions and words the vow to cherish another human being...

rarely if ever would describe their actions to be with their spouse...
as...
Flowers, cards, kissing her [censored].

As long as you see you actions of fixing and recovering as kissing her a$$ you are in no attitude of recovery...

you may want to reflect on the true value of your wife in your life...and see if you can't find some compassion for the bigger picture....

if my husband viewed his actions of kindness and love towards me as kissing my a$$...

I would set him free of such a burdon...in a heartbeat....
and would never hold him captive to such a hostile sentiment via my actions as well if the shoe was on the other foot...

my spouse deserves to be cherished ...
by someone if not by me..
that act will never be my burdon...but will be my joy....


ARK

I said kissing her [censored], but didn't mean it in such a harsh way. I love this woman with all my heart. And what I am doing to prove that to her isn't a chore or feel fake. She deserves the best and I am doing what I can to give it to her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been in her sons life since he was 1, he is now 13. He is a good kid and I never disliked him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Funny that you don't say that you love this boy. You have been in his life since he was one, you have probably been around him more than his own father, probably been more of a father to him. You should love him like he was your own child.

He is 13 and most boys his age are lazy and don't do what they are told. They also don't always get good grades. Your own two will probably do the same thing, don't you think? Same family, same rules, same parenting style? He is just a teenager. He probably needs your love and guidance right now.

If your wife babys him too much maybe she is compensating for what she feels he doesn't get from you. He is her child and she loves him like the two children she has with you and she should love him no less.

Love her son, be there for him, treat him like he was yours, and you will get big deposits in your wife's love bank! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I do love him and have told him. And you are right about her compensating him for what he is not getting from me but there is also the part of her trying to make him happier at our house than at his dads. He does not like his step mom, he actually hates her. Maybe his step mom sees some of the things I do on her end. I'll never know because she really is a *itch and I could never talk to her. Like I said earlier, W and I went to counseling last winter. One of the issues was my step son. I worked on making our relationship better and it was. One week before I was kicked out he was telling my mother-in-law how much better it was with me and he was happy. Now I'm back to square one. My wife has been keeping him away from me for the most part. When I would go home to take care of the kids while she was at work, she would take him out to her moms to mow the lawn. Funny, he was mowing her lawn 3 times a week. I knew what she was doing. I told her a while ago that whatever happens to us I still want to be in his life. We talked the other day about that and she agreed she was wrong for doing that.

OK, I asked, and got sidetracked...comment about the S sit:
BP (couldn't call you "booby" now, could I?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) had some good general insights. I know--been there. A parent can *NOT* treat any child differently in refernce to ground rules. W definitely "compensating" for the D.

This still doesn't explain wht the heck went on with why you are here. Ark again mentioned some important things.

I still have a question you didn't answer. How did the OW get on the phone so quick with your W? What were the circumstances around that?

Liny, the OW did not call my wife. The night my wife checked my cell phone, she saw the OW number on it and called her to see why I was talking to her. The OW said it was because I was going to do some work on her house, I do construction as a side job. And that is how we got each others phone number in the first place. Now as far as me asking if I had an affair or not. Two days ago I told my wife that I was sorry for cheating on her. Even though it wasn't physical or emotional, I cheated her on her trust she had in me. That I was getting my ego stroked by another woman and it was wrong. Counciling has taught me this. So is it an affair or not is behind me. I am putting all my efforts in getting my wife and family back together again like I have the past 2 months. I took my marriage for granted and was selfish. Now it took this for me to realize what I had. I just hope it isn't too late.

Oh Fire - that is how 13 year old boys are. Wait till the others get that age. They will be EXACTLY the same.

And something else, no matter how well you treat your children, it will never be good enough. I went way overboard being good to my step-children, and it was still "never enough". And the other kids always thought I favored the step-kids.

So my advice is to keep begging, and pleading, saying you're sorry, and kissing her a** as you put it. This is gonna take some time.

Ok, this is where my W and I stand. She doesn't really know if she wants me back, I'm about 75% sure she doesn't. We are going to get a legal seperation to see if she really wants to follow through with a dissolution and for me to see if I really want my marraige. We have gone through who gets what and basically it would be 80-20 with me on the losing end.
One week ago, she went out with a girlfriend. At 1:30am she called me to see if I wanted to come over "with no strings attached". That night was the most amazing night. Very passionate and emotional. Actually like it always had been. But in the end she started crying saying "I wish this would all go away" "I'm so scared and lonely" "I still don't know what to do". We laid there for a half hour holding each other. I had some hope because for a while, she did know what to do, leave me. She asked me if I wanted to go to the zoo the next day with the kids. It was a great day for everyone. We went out to eat afterwards. When I dropped them off at home, she said "I hope I'm not confusing you, let's take it day by day" A couple days later we talked. She said she was finally feeling better and then we had sex and spent a family day together and all of a sudden she started thinking back at what I did to her. She became sad and angry and was crying again at night. She says she loves me and cares about me but doesn't think she can ever trust me again.

I would tell her that you want to stay married, no separation. It takes a long time for betrayed spouses to recover.

Even though you look at it as no big thing, I'm sure she has been crushed by this.

The MB program suggests spending 15 hours a week together doing fun things. I think you might try that.

Also start developing a relationship with your step-son. Take him (alone), fishing or to some sports event, or whatever it is he likes.

Believer, I do want to stay married but she wants this legal seperation. I have told her that time heals. She understands this and thats why we aren't going to get a dissolution right now. So if over the next 6 months or so I do everything right and she still wants to end it, that is something I'll have to live with. But at least she has given me a chance. That's all I can ask of her. She won't spend 15 hours a week with me, she kinda wants to go seperate ways to see if this is what she wants.
I'm not looking at what I did to her as no big thing, obviously it was and I have crushed her.
My step-son and I are planning on doing something also.

No matter what she says, I would let her know that you want to stay married.

Get busy guy, and line up something to do with stepson. I actively "courted" my step children. I found out what they liked and spent lots of time alone with them.

My WH never spent too much time with my boys. It was VERY hurtful to me.

I have heard from my little birdy today that my wife has said a few lies about me. She likes to talk a lot, and so do her friends. I don't want to get into what she was saying, but it does hurt no matter how small they were. When we talk, it is 99% friendly and we want to keep it that way. But when she is talking smack behind my back, thinking I won't find out, it's just not right. How can we keep it friendly when she does this? It's almost impossible. Should I confront her on this issue? Or just let my birdy visit me and keep me informed.

Also wife and I have been going to counseling. The thing is it is not together and to different counselers. The lady she is seeing (it's the same one we both went to together last winter) says it is better now for us to go to different people. I asked my wife if we can go together again and she says no that we already did that. My problem is her counseler is trying to tell her what I was thinking and trying to evaluate me to her without even talking to me to hear what I have to say. Is this wrong?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by firemob1:
[QB] Liny, the OW did not call my wife.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry. Misunderstood.

OK, now I'm probably going to get hit with some 2x4's here, but, here goes...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She doesn't really know if she wants me back...We have gone through who gets what and basically it would be 80-20 with me on the losing end...
...Actually like it always had been. But in the end she started crying saying "I wish this would all go away"
...she said "I hope I'm not confusing you, let's take it day by day"
...I have heard from my little birdy today that my wife has said a few lies about me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me recap--certainly correct me if I'm wrong or omitted:

You got this OW phone number for a job. You spoke to her for about a week. Went out for drinks with her once.(?) W called #, confronted you by kicking you out. Now filed for separation. This has taken place in the last three weeks. You're obviously not comfortable with it, but "seem" cpmplacent enough to go along with it.

Am I missing something here? I know I have to be missing something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

This all went down on july 20. That is when she saw the number. I do not want a legal seperation and have told her so many times. She basically wants something in writing now because she thinks that down the line I will start to get angry and want to screw her over. And she thinks screwing her over is getting a divorce and having the judge split everything 50-50.

Someone please help me! I am not even close to my 2-drink maximum! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

What am I missing here?!?!? Why is your W asking for a separation over this occurrence? Or is there more to your story, mob, that I/we just don't know about? Or am I just not getting this whole situation?!?!?
Is this something that someone else on MB has experienced--a separation over something like this? (AND IN NO WAY AM I DIMINISHING AN EA AND W's PAIN OR CONDONING WHAT MOB DID.) But isn't this a little bit, well, flip? I ask again--to anyone who would like to answer--am I missing something here? And mob, you sound OK with this! I would be going crazy! Crazy to figure out what the he11 the problems are and start fixing them immeduately! Is it me?

LINY, it's not just you. I think we are missing HUGE, HUGE pieces of information here.

Firemob, we've heard it all before - you can be honest on here.

Jen