Fire,
In order to really deal with this issue you need to deal with everything. I had an A 10 years ago and when I joined MB looking for help with my W's A, I left out my past mistake. I didn't want to be judged by my A and felt since I had done everything in my power to prove I was not that person anymore that it was okay not to mention it. WRONG! I had to come completely clean about my actions even if they were non-issues to me because they were definelty inter-related to my W's A and how my M issues need to be addressed and resolved. When I gave people my whole story they were better able to give me INFORMED advice. If you are omitting things to save face you're preventing people from giving you better advice and support.

Come clean and put it all on the table no one's perfect.

I feel I am trying to give you guys as much information as I can to help me out with this.
I have said before that we have had some problems in the past. I had a problem with always being moody. I was very very stressed mostly with work. If I wasn't working a 24 hr shift at the station, I was doing side jobs all the time. My wife was working once maybe twice a week because she went back to college. (she graduated 2 yrs. ago and has a good job now) We have three boys and that is a lot of work in itself. It was just a very stressful time for me, for all of us. But I took it out on the wrong people, my family. I was always tired and would snap at the smallest things. Never ever physically but verbaly and emotionaly. And there was always a issue with my step-son. I feel he was always babied and got away with almost anything because my wife wanted him to be happier living with us than with his dad. For the longest time it seemed as if I was the only one that would discipline him. But when I would yell at him for something, I was the as**ole. My wife thought I didn't like him, she thought that I was picking on him because he isn't mine. So my wife would over compensate and basicaly let him do what he wanted. Let me give you one example. About two years ago we bought a new house. Our dream home infact. We bought all new furniture and carpet. House rule #1: No eating in the living room. He has been told over and over again not to eat in there. I'm talking almost everyday. And he still did. Just the other day my wife was talking to a mutual friend of ours. She said when she came home from work that the step-sons "buffet" as she put it was all over the living room and told him to clean it up. Well he got sidetracked and guess who ended up doing it, she did. The friend asked "haven't you been telling him that since you moved in there?" She said yes but he just won't listen.
When we went to counseling last winter it was an issue we talked about. I said I shouldn't be the one who disciplines him all the time and the counseler agreed and said that is what is pushing step-son and me apart. Wife agreed and said she would take care of it. It really never happened. But step-son and I did get closer, not perfect but better.
Like I said before. This past year was the best our marraige ever has been and my wife would agree. We were both very happy, It wasn't perfect but getting better everyday. But when I got caught talking to the OW, she said it opened up all her old wounds, the ones I thought we were past.
And one other thing. She has a friend and they tell eachother everything, and I do mean everything. Her friend has never really cared for me because she basicaly knows all of our problems past and present. My wife and her are huge gossipers. I am a private person and don't really like other people knowing my business. Well, I know for a fact that she is driving a huge wedge in all of this. She even told someone that it was her goal to get us divorced. Nice huh.

LINY, as far as me being "ok" with this. I am dieing over here. It is all that I think about. I sleep about 3-4 hrs. a night. I am going crazy. I am so afraid of saying or doing the wrong things.

Once again I would like to thank every one who is trying to help me here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by firemob1:
But when I got caught talking to the OW, she said it opened up all her old wounds, the ones I thought we were past.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What "wounds"?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LINY, as far as me being "ok" with this. I am dieing over here. It is all that I think about. I sleep about 3-4 hrs. a night. I am going crazy. I am so afraid of saying or doing the wrong things.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not trying to be disrespectful. Just need the facts so we can give you some direction/support/etc. I mean, this "ALL" took place in "one day?!?!?" Even what the lowest of "pond scum" have done and situations told here did the BS act such as harsh as yours. (And I don't want to start with a big controversy of "comparing sins.") It just seems the reaction did not fit the action. Again, maybe I'm wrong--won't be the first time--that's why I'm here.

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

The wounds I am referring to are my mood swings, relationship with step-son and her giving 100% to the marriage and me not. We have been together for 13 years. And we had our ups and downs but we worked through them. I never had an A before or accused of one or anything. Until now. She has a friend that is filling her head with nonsense and she listening to her. The OW is single.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by firemob1:
<strong> I have heard from my little birdy today that my wife has said a few lies about me. Should I confront her on this issue? Or just let my birdy visit me and keep me informed. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mob, Maybe this is irrelevent (or maybe not) but I am curious who "your" little birdy is. It is an interesting turn of the phrase to me. Sorry, but your wife's reaction still seems so completely out of porportion to the event that every stone needs to be turned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> KB

My "little birdy" is a mutual friend of my wife and I. She wants us to stay together. She isn't running to me about everything she hears but has told me a few things that aren't true.
I was talking to my sister today and she told me something that makes a lot of sense. I want desperatly to get back with my wife so my friends are supporting me in that way. And if my wife wants to split, her friends are giving her support in that way by giving her a million reasons why she should.

Thanks to everyone who helped out. It looks like we are heading to divorce court. She doesn't want me back.

D does not mean the end. Have you read about EN's? The Harley's have an excellent book that states all the MB principles in it called "Fall in Love, Stay in Love". I borrowed it from our library.

You have YEARS of neglect and hurtful behavior to make up for. Your W's love bank is bankrupt. If you want to save your M, or date her after the D, you can start depositing in her love bank. How do you do that? Read about the 10 emotional needs. Try to figure out what are her top three needs (get her to fill out the questionnaire if you can) and begin fulfilling those like gangbusters. (If you don;t fulfill the top three needs first you're spinning your wheels).

You want your M, this will take some REAL lifestyle changes, more devotion to your family and to her.

She doesn't want to D, but the thought of living with the hurt of not getting your needs met day after day is too much to bear.

Be prepared, she will not trust changes you make in your life...you will have to show her these are real and LASTING...and make them last. Every time you fall back into old habits it will deplete her love bank.

I hope this makes sense.

If you want your M, you have to work HARD at it...

Consider counseling with the Harley's.

I am finding out more about my wife everyday. She is basically trying to be nice to me so I give her what she wants in a divorce. But to her friends she is bashing me. Saying things I never thought she would say. Taking conversations that we are having and twisting them around to her friends to make me look bad. She isn't giving them the whole story, just what she thinks they want to hear. I am so depressed over this. And to top it all off her friend is trying to hook her up with other guys already. Not to date now but for after the divorce. They are acting so immature. Gossiping like a bunch of junior high kids. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, they always have.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
[QB] Fire,
In order to really deal with this issue you need to deal with everything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mob...glad you gave us an update.

I am still confused over your entire thread. My only conclusion I am coming to was the EA was the perverbial straw that broke the camels back.

IMHO, if you want your M saved, the only way I can see this happening is for the both of you to sit down with a MC, priest, social worker, some sort of mediator and "lay it on the line."

You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am finding out more about my wife everyday.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe this one issue that you are referring to may be a "surprise", but the way in which you use this statement--among many others in your thread--highly concerns me and should you too--if you want any resolve in your M.

At this point, I don't know what other advice or direction I can give you. At the very least, if she refuses to "air" these issues out, certainly you should get into IC and become a better person. (I do have my own theory about what may be going on here, but this isn't 21 questions. We are adults. I am becoming very frustrated and do not have the time or patience. I sincerely apologize if this seems harsh to you.} One can only receive help if they ask. [Putting my prodder away.] Feel free to continue posting--let it all out. I'm sure you'll get many more responses.

Best wishes to you.

Talked to my wife the other night. She feels she wants a divorce but is not 100% yet. She does not totally believe that I didn't have PA. OW has even told her it wasn't a PA. I have told her everything but have broken her trust and she feels she can't ever get that back. This is the first time in our marraige that her trust in me has been broken. Is there any way I can earn that trust back? I have told her it takes time and hopefully it will. We do love eachother and I'm convinced that a D is a huge mistake for both of us and our kids.

Can you send her here to us?