Hey all been a while since i posted.
Things right now have been still on the roller coaster of emotions. We have some good days followed by bad days. WW has had no contact with OM and admits that feelings for him are fading. I am struggling with trying not to LB her and at times slip up and this seems to push us back in any recovery that we have been making. WW states that even now when i do this in the back of her mind she states why am i bothering and still entertaining the thought of seperation. I have been 100% committed to reconciliation and it surprises me that these thoughts are still in the back of her mind. I don't know if is a self protection wall for her or what. She admits to me that she is scared that she will never get all the feelings of love and affection back for me. She knows i am trying but at the same time will admit that i am over killing in showing her affections. She states she is not ready for the cuddling in bed, hugging in bed or hand holding all the time. She right now is satified with just hugging and kissing in the morning before work and when we come home and before bed. I know my love busting can set us back and i feel i have made some improvements but admit that i slip up from time to time with angry outburst and disrespectful judgements and when i do this she feels she is being put down and just questions where we are going with all of this. How can i stop from slipping up? We have been in counseling for 3mo. now and now takng AD's.
My fear is i am going to put my best foot foreward and still feel that it won't be enough and she will eventually leave.
I so confused as to why when reading other posters that it seems that the WS tend to go out of there way or overboard on displaying affection and intimacy following DD, but in my case it is the opposite. Has anyone else had this?
Still plan A'ing it i guess.

jets...
back off and charm her in a different ways....

give yourself some time periods...

She states she is not ready for the cuddling in bed, hugging in bed or hand holding all the time. She right now is satified with just hugging and kissing in the morning before work and when we come home and before bed.

set a goal...for the next two weeks you will try to honor that request....
in fact...skip a "time" that she allows here and there....
give her some breathing space....and if you back off you may find she herself iniates some contact herself...

she expects you to want closeness that way...
give her the unexpected...

meet different needs..
rent a movie she would enjoy...and say...lets just relax and watch this..thought you'd like it...

bring her a fav. dessert...but back way off...just leave it for her.....

expect nothing..

burn a CD she'd like...
back off...

buy a CD she'd like...

leave little things around..
not I love you's..

but
hope you have a great day...

look in to local theaters....at their fall/winter seasons..surprize her with tickets to a show/play you think she'd like...

bring you....in activities...
not in just touch....

look for a wine tasting event...
a boat ride...

non traditional affection....

nothing more romantic to me than a man scrubbing the kitchen floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ARK

Thanks Ark for the feedback, I have been doing some of those things, sending her cards at work i have even bought her a Kenny Chesney Cd that i have been waiting for the right time to give it to her. Have been trying to do fun things with her, but i have 2 sons and alot of fun things are done as a family. We are trying to plan date nights. I guess i need to back off on some the affection that i have been showing towards her but it is hard. As others have said i have found a new attraction to her. I look at her in ways that i haven't in a long time. I guess i just need to keep my feelings in containment.
WW called today and basically apologized for making me feel bad, but states that she needs to sometimes tell me her feelings because she really has no one else to talk to about it. I stated that is fine i want to know your feelings and thoughts but sometimes it not what i want to hear and it hurts. I guess i too have to stop overanalyzing everything from actions to reactions from her and take it for what it is worth right now.
We have both come to a realization that it may be a while before the intimacy comes back and we have to be patience, especially me. Although when i LB it does put her back. So my goal for right now is to get through one week without any types of LB towards her. To get through one week without the roller coaster ride.
Jets

Jets, I feel your pain ((((((JETS))))))
Now that we did the male bonding thing let me say I've been on a serious rollercoaster ride with my W so I can relate BIGTIME! Please don't beat yourself up. This is hard stuff you're going thru, that's why you're LBing. Frustration. Pain. Rejection. Fear of Losing Your Wife. All big things that any man would be prone to the occasional LB.

Try your best to avoid the LB's by giving her the space that she needs. Giving her space will be difficult because you want so badly to influence her road back to you and aid her defogging. I am just commenting from my own experience, what I lived through and living through. Based on the convos that me and my FWW have shared since her return from the FOGLANDS, though she appreciated my gestures before she couldn't be receptive because her mind was somewhere else. She was not on the same page as me and I hate saying it, but there wasn't SQUAT I could do about it. This was her journey, though I wanted so badly to shorten her course to no avail. I personally think my W came out of her fog on her own speed, the things I did to aid that are:

Exposure which made her quit her fence sitting and deal with either chasing the fantasy of OM or being with me and our children in the real world.

Are you sure she's not in contact?
I know that you can never really know, but why do you think she has ended contact?

Right now your W isn't on the same page as you that's why things are so strained. When she comes around it will be different, much different. You won't need anyone to tell you she's come around. Your head will spin at the change in attitude, the desire to be with you, and her communication ramps up like Evil Kenevil on speed! Ark is my friend and always has the best advice. I would be as pleasant as possible but please step back on the affection if you can, you will only hurt your own feelings and make her feel more guilty or uncomfortable because she's not where you are at the moment.

I hope my opinion gives you hope. I'm not out the woods yet, I believe after an A you are never out of the woods because you can never forget and you will always be "affair proofing" your M. Good luck and follow Arks great advice and then refer to my opinions and try to remember it's NOT you she's rejecting, it's the Aliens. Be as pleasant, upbeat and careful as you can not to put yourself in positions that will force her to hurt your feelings. Plan A is hard because everyone wants their kindness to be reciprocated, but during this phase the WS is in no condition to reciprocate. You W is in no emotional condition to reciprocate, so please don't do so much that you hurt yourself repeatedly. Don't be like me, I kept hurting myself over and over doing too much. blah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'm rambling now...please be kind to yourself friend.

FM

FM thanks for the reply,
J E T S Jets Jets Jets!!!
Guess u can tell what football team i follow.
You asked how do i know she is not in contact with OM?
Several things lead me to beleive this.
First off she has admitted to my face that she has not or he has not contacted her ( This based on our radical honesty with each other)
Second i have asked her about her feelings for the OM as whether they are still there, she states that they are fading.
Third a lot of the things that where happening prior to DD are not happening now. ex. Locking her self in rooms to talk on cell phone. Cell phone constantly ringing, it has been real quiet at my home for last 3mo. She is not on computer much now a days and when she is on no door closing or minimizing screens when i walked into the room.
Fourth she is stating that she loves me and is letting me kiss and hugg her where as before she would rarely reply back and basically tell me she feels numb around me.
Fifth my gut meter has not been going off. She is still required to go out of town 1 weekend per mo. and this has happened twice and i have felt ok with it. Worry a little yes but full blown panic....no.
These things may not be proof enough for others and there can be ways around it, but i have to sit back and honestly ask that i gave her the opportunity to leave shortly after DD and she chose to stay. If there was contact with OM i don't think my wife would be here today with me as DD and when she was still in contact with OM she was apt. hunting. This has not happened.
Honestly i think my love busting has really made her feel like we where going back to a old pattern. I have told her that i need to try our best to avoid this and will.
I agree with u and ARk and am trying to implement this advice. I have sent her cards at her ofc. I do call her as well as her to me daily or most days at work just to say Hello. I have bought her a CD and am waiting for right time to give it. Don't want to seem like i am going overboard on these things.
I agree with u all in essence that i need to back off on the affection. I just hope that hopefully a few mo. down the line we can resume our intimacy together. She states she hopes for this but just doesn't know when or if it will happen.
I believe she has been out of fogland for about a mo. or more now but i think she is struggling to let that wall around her heart come down for me, in fear that she will get hurt by my actions or non actions again.
I look back now at myself and the way i treated her (not meeting alot of her EN and expecting Sex) and can see why she distance herself from me. She is amazed that i see this now but confused as to why now and not 2 years ago. Cannot really give her a answer to this.
One thing i think we both agree on is that we need to give us a break with the relationship talk. We have found ourselves talking for 3-4 hours on this stuff and feel like we are going in circles. Meanwhile our kids are in other room by themselves watching the boobtube. Not fair for them.
Thanks for the response and welcome others
Jets

Jets fan? I'm a Redskin fan and now that GIBBS is back I can actually say that and hold my head up... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yeah you sound right about the no contact. I only asked because I thought there was no contact just because she said so...yeah I know, WHAT WAS I THINKING. I commend you JETS for hanging in there, matter of fact I commend both of you. I'll bow out your thread now because my W wasn't as receptive as yours. She wouldn't agree to anything until the fog and withdrawal had run its total course. My sitch was alot different than yours, your W seems to be trying to work on your M while she's still hurting. She's a trooper!! My wife left during this time. Jets she loves you partner and she sounds like she's fighting for your M. I'm guilty of those outbursts as well and I know there something I must overcome to have a better M. One day at a time, one lip bite at a time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care and see you in the playoffs..

GO SKINZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jets fan , well I'll say sorry in advance that my cleveland browns will beat them this season AGAIN!
LOL

LB'ing well I may be real wrong here but this is just my personal experiance (so may disregaurd if ya think not )

I was told by some to real think why I was LB so much ,, I know anger blah blah blah ,,, BUT it ended up being my own way of protecting ME (foolow me )

I would do it knowing it would push him back like I was punishing him ,, and when I realized I was doing it to see if he could take it or would he RUN ???

I was doing it out of fear , thinking if he could put up with all my pain and anger that I had inside then he must be commited ... REALLY STUPID !

Also I wanted him to open up to me then when he did I wouldn't except it for honesty always said , oh thats crap or used what he said, against him later ... STUPID again LOL !

So in turn I was beating my own M recovery up !

When I learned to loosen up and understand it did not take over noght to get us here it will not happen over noght to fix it ...

IT is a process of time , and thats very hard and frustrating ...

Ark , gave ya some very good advice . So has everyone else ..

Take it slower , and just be your self ,, you know the guy she fell in love with ,, she will see him ,,, give it time she to is scared ,, but will learn to let down her wall little at a time .

FM -REDSKIN FAN I would be to now that Gibbs is back but your owner will probably blow it again and start micro managing, Dallas vs Skins should be interesting this year.
Thanks for the support and the reassurance, there are days i don't get much of that from anyone,especially from the ones that know at work. Alot of them think i am foolish and should have kick her out. I can't do that i still love her and have too many years invested in our marriage,and she the mother of my kids. They don't seem to understand and feel i am setting myself up for eventual fall. Some support huh??
Will take your and Arks advice wisely.I too need to think before i spout off and to learn to let it go and not let it stew to the point that i blow. i found i would also dump on her a lot, this has been getting better, Thank God! It is hard though. My side of family i see have had a temper problem, must be the Irish and scotch in us.
3 is crowd- I used to live near cleveland so real familiar with the once known Cardiac Kids. Used to go to cleveland in the old stadium to watch the jets play. Will see about this year with a win against my boys!!
Thanks for your advice i don't think i am using my LB to manipulate her i am just constantly checking for reaasurance from her. She sometimes gets annoyed with this because she feels she doesnt have to keep repeating it over and over.
Again am going to back off a little and give her her space and hope that our sexual intimacy will return better somewhere down the line. She knows this is one of my EN and like u said she is scared. I am too for that matter, but maybe that is good as this will keep us focus on what we need to do to help with our recovery.
Still going to counseling and as u see i frequent to web site.
Thanks for the advice all
Will keep u updated.