TDVA

For what its worth....my ww said all of the same things. I once told her that everytime you talk to him its like you sticking a knife in my heart and her reply was that every time i talk about our marriage working out its like sticking a knife in her heart.

I think it gets really bad just before the tides turn. ww acts out of control and in desperation attempts (or says) anything to maintain the addiction.

My suggestion at this point is not to show her what she expects from you. She will try to push your buttons and you need to act different than your norm. When she doesnt see the reaction that she expects you to have then she continue with her actions. I say this because my ww tried it on me just before the tides turned. She told me that she was spending the night at her sisters knowing this would drive me nuts. With the help of PEP and others here i quickly reacted in a very different way. Just before she left i grabbed her head and pulled her in for a kiss right on themouth and told her i adore her and that she should hurry home and be safe.

Her eyes rolled in the back of head as she left. As she was leaving she said that hse wasnt going to call me that i should call her and i said ok...she drove away and proceeded to call me about 5 times during the night...i never called her.

The next day she was angry and spiteful....i stayed the course and killed her with kindness....The day after that i went to church with the kids and upon returning home she snapped and said that she missed me.....we have committed to our M and eachother since then...its only been a week but we are moving in a positive direction

The point of all this that, from my meek experience, acting different than expected pushed the change.

i still have my doubts, i am still cautious, i am still anxious.....i dont know if she is in withdrawal and i dont think we are in recovery yet.....

change yourself and you will see the change in her

I've done a little bit of everything. I think that is my problem. I've been consistenly inconsistent.

For the most part I've been respectful and loving.

But then I'll have a bad day where I confront her or she catched me crying.

Now, I'm not doing as much yelling and screaming, but I am letting her know I know what is going on and I don't like it. Letting her know she is not getting away with it.

Again, still trying to tell her I love her and am willing to work at this while trying to establish SOME boundaries.


I am so confused, down, exhausted. While I have written her letters and told her I love her, I admit my errors, and just want to work at our marriage; She continually attacks and hurts me to justify in her head that this is okay.


Our anniversary is on Saturday and now I am at a loss. Maybe I just give her a kiss in the morning? Maybe I leave a handwritten note? Maybe I do nothing.

I'd love to kiss her when we wake up.

I just can't imagine how she could want to hurt me so much with her actions and words. I know why she is doing it thanks to this site and the books. I keep telling myself patience and love will win out.

Still strong inside, but my walls are crumbling.

I have been very inconsistent.

Many good Plan A days.

Some days of confrontation.

Some days of crying.

Some days of boundaries.


Our anniversay is Saturday. Would love to wake up and give her a kiss. Or should I do nothing? Or a brief card? No Idea.


I know it is about patience and controlling my emotions. She is being so hurtful right now to justify this to herself.


This site helps, but day to day is so stressful. I'm tired, emotionally drained, and hurting. I feel I'm running out of gas. My hope, faith and love is still there to keep me going.

TDVA

I think you need to start detaching yourself from the pain. I did this and it worked for me. You almost need to see yourself as an outsider to the situation. You need to detach your emotion from what she is doing and not take it so personally.

She is not attacking you....although it seems that way....its her own guilt and pain.

I have had a very hard time being upbeat around her and i will confess that i CANT do it...but when i started applying detachment it was easier to deal with the day to day stress.

TDVA I was about to write the same thing as JAH.

You are taking it all too personally. She isn;t being mean AT YOU, she's just being mean cos she can't do anything else right now.

Be kind and thoughtful, caring an dcompassionate, take no sh1t, enforce boundaries gently, end enjoy your life as much as you can without violating planA.

Dress up, go out with friends. Laugh at funy TV shows, dance roiund the house to Aerosmith whatever you find fun.

Being sad is not attractive to your WW nbor anyone else.

Now this sounds bizarre advice but it worked for me. I just realised I'd lost my FWW, and I was working plan A for MY benefit.

It helped me attach less significance to my every act and her every word.

And ENJOY YOURSELF it makes you attractive, makes your WW realize you are there becaiuse you WANT to be not because you HAVE to be and it restores your batteries.

All blessings, U doing good, friend.

Yes, I have been as best I can.

I see her as mentally ill.

I see myself from an outside perspective like this is a movie or dream.


I just keep questioning my actions. Am I really doing the right things to get her back?

This site is great for insight and my IC helps.

I just want to see something out of her that gives me hope. Right now my only hope is what I bring. I'm happy to do it and will never drive her out of the house. That will be her decision.

She said she feels stuck and is scared to settle down with me.

Tell her you feel just as stuck and afraid as she does....

The hope that your looking for is right in front of you.....She is still there isnt she? That is your hope....If she wanted to leave she would have.....look for hope in the fact that she is still there.

I know she is still hearing me through the fog. It may take a few days to sink in, but she is still there.

Patience
Whisper
Controlling emotions


So hard when she is looking for conflict and "passion".

You are right, we both love our kids, both feel stuck, both are scared of the future, both want more out of a relationship.

I hope one day she'll see this and work towards it together for our family.

TDVA

It takes alot of energy for her to be mean and in conflict all of the time. I am sure you are in conflict yourself and can see how exhausting it is for you. I bet you dead tired around 10pm. you feel exhausted and cant wait to go to bed...you fall asleep fast then wake around 2 only to stay up till 5....am i close....?

She is just as sleepless and restless as you are. I bet you look at her sleeping and think to yourself "how the F!@# can she sleep". The truth is that she is hurting too.

The second i started to detach i started to feel better. I also saw/see ww as a hurting soul that i care for and feel sorry for. Sometimes in detachment i would look and laugh....It was like i was watching TV or something.

Detachment is not a lack of caring....its caring and feeling for yourself enough so that you dont get in the way of the mud and muck that is coming your way. couple this with not giving her a reason to be mad/angry and you got one confused wife.....

you got it exactly. we both go to bed very early and I always wake up.

I guess my problem is my IC is pushing me to push her a little bit. To not be a door mat and let this go on without consequences.

I told her about plan A and 6 months, but she sees no end in sight for WW and her A or her behavior.

dont tell her your time line.....she will use it as a crutch....

set your boundries, get a life, look good, smell good, feel better, get some sleep (AD help), Plan A and detach

...make believe that your watching tv.....its actually funny sometimes....

stop getting in your own way...

I think I'm struggling today because I hired a private investigator to protect myself and my family.

If my WW does want to leave and try to have custody of the kids, I know have the evidence to use against her. Nothing I didn't already know, but now I have the info for court. I hope to never use it and never bring it up.

I know they were together again yesterday morning at his house.


I am struggling today. All I want to do is call her and say hi. All I want to do is hold her at night as it is now getting cold when we go to bed and we are under the covers.

Wow, amd I sad today. Part of me thinks I'm pushing her to closure, which may be separation. I'm scared.


I guess I have to realize how scared and confused she is and how much she is hurting to want to hurt me so bad.

This site helps, believe me. I'm actually jealous at some of the miracles that have occurred. I can't believe you guys have been so successful and I feel like I'm failing.

Thanks again for all the support and prayers

Well, now I'm in another mental conflict.

Anniversary is Saturday. Thought about kissing her. Giving her a card. Going out to dinner with her or the whole family, or doing nothing.

Just found out I have to go to Hawaii for work. I would have said we fly out early and spend 3 or 4 days out there together.

Now, I have no idea. Do I ask her to go to Hawaii? Or not?

okay, just failed again.

WW called to discuss weekend plans.

We started talking about Saturday, our anniversary and on how we both don't feel like doing anything.


Led to 30 minute call with me doing lots of crying. told her I always cared about her and always tried to be a good husband. Just didn't know what she needed and how to express my feelings.

Anyway, she claims the relationship with OM will be ending when he moves to CA. That she still doesn't want to be with me even after he leaves.

So, I am thinking. If I can ride out the next two weeks until he leaves, then how will she be when she can only talk with him and not see him all the time?

Do you think Plan A would still be successful if OM is on otherside of country and they are limited to phone sex and phone calls?

No idea if WW would go through withdrawl if she can't see him.

Again, I know I have looked weak and wanted to be strong.

So it has been a long week already. I'm physicall and mentally exhausted this week. Have the A/D, but have not started taking them yet and I was doing pretty good last couple of weeks.

Big question now is OM is moving to WC at the end of next week. I know my WW will try to get in as much contact as she can. She claims A will be over when he moves, but I don't believe it.

He travels a lot and will be back at least once a month. Plus they are on a private government network and can continue e-mails. ALso the cell phone conversations will not stop either.


Question is with the distance enhance or hinder their A? Will it make it more "romantic" as they are now on separate coasts?

I am hopeful that if I just focus on Plan A while she goes through some withdrawl of not seeing him that it will help me? Is this expectation too high?

I know, Plan A, no expectation, control your emotions, detach and whisper. While I have not done a great Plan A, I do see the following:

WW still talks to me about the kids. Still sleeps in same bed. Still gets me juice in the morning. Stil answers the phone if I call. Still calls me. Will ocassional talk about work with me. Still gets mad at me if I confront her or set a boundary. Tells me she never wanted to hurt me. Says she loves the kids. Asks me when am I going to "give up". Says I was not a bad husband. Says she know what she is doing is wrong and cannot defend it, but won't stop.

I believe the light is on. I believe my love and hope can carry us through this. But this is way too hard! I know my three kids deserve all my energy and love to work on this. That is the only reason I have not given up.

why are you not taking the ADs....they will help you control your emotions and actually help with detaching.

Did you talk about Hawaii? Can you take the kids to HI? Make the HI trip work for you in a positive way....get a new bathing suit...if you can take the kids do so....make it look like life will contiue and you will continue with kids even though she is not there. Invite her with a smile and let her decide. Smile if she says yes and smile if she says no.

Stop focusing on OM and when he is moving and focus on yourself and your kids. Those kids only have one sane brain in their home right now and its yours....they didnt ask for this nor do they deserve it so...be the best DAD and person you can be.....

She sounds like lots of fog talk....dont expect anything to change when he moves....they can still talk and have an EA.

Journal everything and keep moving...for you sake to plan A.

My 11th anniversary today. actually not as sad as I thought. I think I got all my crying done earlier in the week.

Did give my WW a lengthy kiss this morning as she walked by me. All I said was "I had to do that".

Started to take the A/Ds. Realized I'm getting worse and it is affecting the kids.

Trying to slow down and get better control of myself and the kids. Hopefully my WW will eventually see what she is missing.