Let me preface my remarks by saying I have felt loss in my life as I have lost both my parents. Each of those events in my life were sad, very sad. But today is even sadder. My wife and i signed the separation papers today. As we were going to the lawyer's office, I took her hand and said "We can call this off at anytime, just have no contact with OM and go into counseling with me". She replied "I can't have no contact with him. I love him. He saved my spirit."

So we signed the papers. I maintain by diginity and didn't cry but I wanted too. I am sure that the day she leaves I will also be very sad. So the next step is her leaving me for him. He is still calling everday. The knot in my stomach does not seem to want to go away. I have Plan A to the best of my ability. So now I am going to let God handle it. I can't protect her anymore. She has to live her own life. I wish her happiness.

{{{{{hopefulinnc}}}}}

Hugs for you!

Take care.

sss

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

hopefulinnc

very sorry to hear the news.

Now you have to make sure you look after yourself for a while and find some happiness.

God bless

HOpeFul what can I say friend?
I've been where you are. I have. Just remembering it from reading your post makes me cry man. It was 3 years ago but I remember it like yesterday. I was on my knees in the rain outside of my wifes condo. I remember the scene I made. I remember what I said.

"I'm on my knees now lady and you know my pride, you know who I am and yes I'm on my knees. I want it on the record in your heart and mind that I did all that I could do to save our M."

Then I got up and got on with my life.

She came back to me 6 months later, but she didn't end contact with OM for another 2 years!!!!

This sort of madness can drag on and on, but finally it will end. I think the rollercoaster lasts as long as we choose it to. It may be letting her go that actually brings her back. I don't have the answers friend. My reasons for putting up with the drama and still saving a piece of my love for her had to do more with my own guilt for my past A which began the downward spiral 10 years ago. It was sad, very sad but the sun does shine again. It's not over until you say it is and the principles here at MB can help us thru it.

I'm sorry you're going thru this h3ll and I wish you the best.

FM

Thnaks to all of you for your support. Pemberley-I haven't lost hope. I think she will find that the grass is not always greener on the other side. She leaves behind 28 years almost 29 years of history, 3 adult children-1 of which just started college, all her friends-we have live here for 24 years, and me. Going to OM in a strange town, no friends, no money-except for what he provides, gonna have to get a job. She is going to have it very tough. But she thinks this will make her happy. So I wish her happiness.
As for me, I will not only survive-I will thive.
I have tried my best to apply the MB principles through all this and I will use the MB principles in my next relationship if she doesn't come back.

hopeful - You have made the choice that will give your marriage the best chance, even though it does make you sad. If you were to let her continue to disrespect you and drain your love bank, when she comes back, you may not want her.

So even though you are miserable right now, know that you did the best thing for your marriage. Once she gets a taste of "freedom", she may be back in a hurry, so don't make it hard for her.

Actually I think you have been doing very well.

i would venture to say that my worst/saddest day was the day that i realized that my H cared and loved someone more than me. the D is coming, my H has told me as much and there's nothing i can do to stop it in a no-fault state.

prayers to you and God can be the source of all your strength, RR

hopeful...

I cant imagine what you are going trough. I may very well in the near future if things dont change in my situation. WW is still in contact and in our home.

As hard as this may seem to you it is not the hardest thing you can go through. You will survive and get through this and she will be a very lonely woman soon. At that point you will decide to take her back or not.

I know i will survive this as well. I have lived through loosing my 2 1/2 YO daughter and i will live through this.

I will for me and my other children as will you.

good luck

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

So sorry ... it must hurtlikehell....

Are you going to visit your kids or take a trip with them? A cruise?

Pep

Thank you all for your words of support. I feel blessed to have marriage builders on my list of support people. Pep to answer your question I am going to spend some time with my children. Family day is at youngest son's college on the 18th and I am going to spend the day with him. My daughter is moving the end of the month and I am going to herp her move. Middle son just experienced his 1st hurricane and I will be visiting him in early October. I'm still sad but I have hope that OM cannot meet her needs. Also we have so much history and I have done a pretty good Plan A. Reflection will be good for my wife.

So, are you going "dark" soon?

Let us know when you need some support.

Pep

Pep-when she leaves for the OM. I will go dark-very dark. My choldren support me so I have the support as well as my wife's 3 sisters. I only hope that OM who is wealthy by the way-at least for now, cannot meet her needs. OM's wife will take him to the cleaners-I hope. She has to live this out. My love for her has not been stronger than the last 3 months. I love her so much but it two to make a marriage. She has not read any material I have brought in, totally concentrating on her feelings for OM. So I let her go and hope for the best.

Hopeful -

Let her go and go on with your life. If she was so in love with OM, she would have left long ago. She is too upset to be wanting to leave you.

But when she goes out that door, start your new life. Do everything you ever wanted to do, but couldn't. Join a recovery or support group - they are usually FULL of women who will sympathize with you.

So buck up brother. You can be very sad right now, but believe me, things get better.

Hopeful, I am sorry to hear this news. It is a very difficult time, but reality WILL hit her and hopefully she will wake up before you move on.

Keep busy

"I can't have no contact with him. I love him. He saved my spirit."

And extinguished your spirit in the process.

There's an old saying that I hope holds true for you. "give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves".

Keep firm and see if it doesn't pay off!

AN
ps another saying; "you can't build happiness on the misery of others"

We didn't talk much last night but I'm sure she talked to Om yesterday afternoon. It's time for them to make some firm plans. I want her out soon. I'm hurting so badly today just feel so sad and dishearten. I hope she wakes up before I lose all my love for her.

HINC,

Why do you hope that? I am serious. You will be fine either way. If you lose your love for her, you will move on, be divorced, and able to find a woman that you will like and love, and who does the same for you. If she comes back and you still love her, you have the opportunity for the same result.

HINC, you have learned alot here and from this experience. You have done your best and you have grown. You will never look at marriage the same way, but I know this you will cherish like you never did before.

Your W on the other hand has learned NOTHING. Even if she were to marry the OM, the odds are high she would have the same baggage and problems. I mean they are both marrying liars and cheats. What is to change them? Just the "feeling of being in love", but you know marriage and love is much more, they do not. They don't know the meaning of commitment.

So while you should feel sad, do not despair, you are growing, you are going to learn to like being alone, and you will learn to really appreicate other people. It will make you stronger, it will lead to greater joy and happiness in your future.

It is your W that is on the time table, not you. She right now doesn't care, but she only has a certain time before you do lose your love for her. When that happens she will not have you to fall back on. Oh! she has shown she is fully capable of finding another man to sleep with, but is she capable of sustaining a marriage? Probably not.

This is clearly a time for reflection. It is a time for patience and grace. But, HINC it is a time for you to look to the future, it is out there waiting for you. It really is. It will either include your W or it will not, that will be as it will be.

So go through your grieving as you need to, but don't lose heart, OK? You can be sad, you can wish things were different, but don't lose heart. Your live has a lot of surprises for you, as does all of ours.

By the way, did you get your W's car fixed??

I do hope your children are doing well and I know they will be a great support for you, but do me a favor. Support them as much as you can, you lost a W, they lost a Mother. You can replace the W, but they cannot replace their Mother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It is truely a sad thing.

God Bless,

JL

JL, I always appreciate the clarity you bring to my situation. I don't know how old you are but you are a wise person. Thank you for responding to me. You have helped me tremdously these past few months and for that I very grateful. JL I do plan to support my children in every way possible. My daughter who is the oldest seems to be taking this the hardest. The two boys haven't really expressed anything but angry at their Mother. I am seeing all my children over the next month or so. They know their Dad did the best he could do and was a honest and faithful man.

JL-no I didn't get her car fixed. It is in her name so it's her problem. I think I'll let OM buy her a car when she gets there. Maybe that is mean spirited but i truly can't afford to do that right now.