WW returned home from a trip with DD to see her parents. She called on the way home to say that she was going to go to her indoor soccer game that night, that she needed some space from DD since they were joined at the hip for 6 days. I was disappointed to say the least, but could understand that she wanted to run around and get some exercise. However, there was something that seemed fishy. So when she got home and got into the shower, I checked her email from her phone (we have fancy email phones). I was suprized at what I found because she normally either has it locked (needs password) or has deleted all the emails. There was a call to him before she called me. There was a laundry list of emails back and forth from before and after her plane landed with "XOXOXO" etc and all the other crap you'd expect. They even talked about her going to play soccer and how that went over with me. She said that I knew that she would go right to bed and that she was not looking forward to coming home to her husband, but if she was coming home to HIM that she would never have considered going.

I checked her phone last week and saw that she had spoken to him on the phone. I called her out on it and she said that he just had a question regarding some work that she had done for him. I didn't believe it, but I had been checking her phone and there hadn't been calls to/from him in for a few weeks, so maybe it was true. She got pissed that I had been snooping and I felt like I messed up by snooping so I told her that I wouldn't do it again (dumb, I know). Now I've snooped again, but found indisputable evidence of contact and that the A is still going on, even if only an EA now.

I did not confront her. I needed to calm down and have a plan. I decided to confront OM this morning, who happens to be one of my bosses. I went in and told him, "I've made it easy on you to do the right thing and now you're right back to where we were." He denied everything and tried to say that contact was minimal and only past work related. He said, "My family is too important to risk and she feels the same way." I told him not to lie to me and he kept denying saying there was nothing to tell. I was not prepared to say how I knew, just to keep them guessing for now. At the end of the short conversation, I said, "no contact, period. If you see me dead on the side of the road, call someone else. If you need anything regarding the work, ask me and I'll get the answer for you. I gave you a chance to do the right thing and I've been professional here. If this continues, I will not be able to keep this from getting ugly for everyone." I didn't say how, but I think it was obvious that I would be exposing further (his wife is well aware of the A, but maybe not the current contact). It was followed up with one more denial attempt, which I interupted with, "enough BS, you know the truth and so do I."

So now I need to plan my next move. This much I know. WW had her second round of IC today. SHe had a bit of an eye opener in the first session that I thought would be to my benefit. Hard to say. Not sure what happened today, or if she'll talk about it. While she's still living at the house, she seems to want little or nothing to do with me. While she was away, my big Plan A move was that I busted a$$ painting two rooms in our house, one of which being the guest room where she is sleeping. She hasn't said thank you, but has told me at least 5 times how good it looks.

I have several options:

1) Tell WW what I found, but that will require telling her that I snooped again after I said I wouldn't. I'll get in trouble for snooping, but hopefully all would be on the table. She wouldn't be able to deny what I saw. - most direct, and "radically hosnest" option.

2) Don't bring it up with her. I'm sure she knows something is up, because I'm sure that OM emailed her (or called her) today to tell her about our altercation. Just sit tight and let it play out for a couple of days. We are going to go out to dinner without DD on Saturday. Some discussion could take place then. She told me that she has been working on a letter to me. Part of me wants to wait and see what the letter says to help me decide what path to take. - path of least resistance, but maybe just buying time being too hopefull that they will come to their senses.

3) Move ahead with further exposure. My parents (they live close to us and help out a lot with DD. WW does work for my mom). Her family, my boss's bosses, the rest of our coworkers here, his brother. I am reluctant to play this card except as a last resort. Want to keep one last big arrow in my quiver. I would like to try to find a less earth shaking solution before going this far. - look out, the [censored] is gonna hit the fan.

4) Tell OMW what I found out. - Will at least apply pressure from the other side.

She once asked if I would move out and live with my parents for a while. I said no, I'm staying. She said if she were to leave, she'd want to take DD with her. I replied simply (in my most non-demanding, non-angry outburst way possible), "I don't think that's fair."

Any insight and recommendations on what my next move would be appreciated. I was actually hopefull that things were turning in the right direction when she went on her trip and that some time away would give her some clarity. Now I know that we've gone nowhere.

thanks all.

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Nemo16 ]</small>

wow our stories are very similar.

As has been suggested to me here on the MB you need to decide what it is that YOU want. We both have simialr situations. My ww asked for a separation and flat out told her that we need to do what is best for our kids and that i am not leaving and the kids are going no-where so if you feel like you need to go then GO.!!

HAve your read the SAA book? do you know about plan a and B. There are also the 180s on divorcebusters.com that i have been applying.

Are you going to MC tell and ask your counselor first. i would hold the information to yourself for now. In plan a you need to assume that you will get nothing in return for your efforts. NOTHING....no thanks for painting the rooms....nothing.

check out what others have written to me

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031830;p=1#000004

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031834;p=1#000000

You may find the comments from ARk^^ and others very helpful.

Bumping up ... hoping to get WAT's opinion on this one.

Pep

Hi Nemo - I vote for doors # 4 and 3 in that order. Assume she has already been alerted by OM of your altercation. You did a good job. Very good restraint in not revealing your source, but you can assume she'll figure it out. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She once asked if I would move out and live with my parents for a while. I said no, I'm staying. She said if she were to leave, she'd want to take DD with her. I replied simply (in my most non-demanding, non-angry outburst way possible), "I don't think that's fair." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The next time this comes up, I suggest you say about your DD simply that you will not deny her both a loving mother AND father - full time.

Keep talking to us.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nemo16:
<strong>

3) Move ahead with further exposure. My parents (they live close to us and help out a lot with DD. WW does work for my mom). Her family, my boss's bosses, the rest of our coworkers here, his brother. I am reluctant to play this card except as a last resort. Want to keep one last big arrow in my quiver. I would like to try to find a less earth shaking solution before going this far. - look out, the [censored] is gonna hit the fan.

4) Tell OMW what I found out. - Will at least apply pressure from the other side.

She once asked if I would move out and live with my parents for a while. I said no, I'm staying. She said if she were to leave, she'd want to take DD with her. I replied simply (in my most non-demanding, non-angry outburst way possible), "I don't think that's fair."

Any insight and recommendations on what my next move would be appreciated. I was actually hopefull that things were turning in the right direction when she went on her trip and that some time away would give her some clarity. Now I know that we've gone nowhere.

thanks all. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nemo, you are already at that last resort point.It can't get any worse than this and is only bound to continue. The OM has no intention of stopping this affair. And why should he? He knows you will do nothing about it, he knows you will protect him while he destroys your family. You have proven to be his greatest ally.

If you want this to stop, then you have to stop taking the path of least resistance at every turn. You must make a decision to do, not what is easy, but whatever it takes to protect yourself and save your marriage.

I would expose this at work, family and most especially to the OMW. End this now and quit aiding and abetting this affair.

What exposure does is splashes cold water on the affairees and forces them to view thier sleazy affair through the eyes of others. Otherwise, they stay in a protective, fantasy cocoon.

When you are done exposing, I would sit down with her and tell her what you know. You should have never made a promise to not snoop, and the answer is NOT to continue on this dumb path, but to withdraw your very inappropriate promise. She has NO RIGHT to the privacy to destroy you behind your back, so don't you dare let her manipulate you into feeling guilt for protecting yourself.

If anyone moves, it should be HER, not you. Nor should your D have to be uprooted from her home to accomodate her mother's sleazy affair.

Nemo:

MelodyLane is right on track with her Advice to you. Do yourself a favor and take heed of it.
No need to go back over it all.
YOU ALREADY KNOW What Needs to be DONE.
You just have to stop letting fear keep you from doing it.

If OM is your boss, then go to HR and explain the Entire situation and get them to let you Report to someone else.

You HAVE aided and assisted this A long enough.
YOUR plan is not Working. STOP Helping Them!
Exposer is the key.
If YOU need recent examples:
See NC walker. See Bob pure.

Secrecy & deception to the world are your WW's and the OM's allies.
On the other hand, it is the light of truth that is your best Friend.

How many posters must Yell to the Heavens "that they only wish they had Exposed sooner" before it sinks in on this Board???

Not exposing has only kept the A going.
Expose now and save yourself more wasted Time & a lot MORE Grief.

wishing you success

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

WAT - have you figured out who I work for yet? More clues below, but thanks again, you seem to have taken a close interest in my situation and I appreciate it greatly.

ML/TR - I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. Exposure, exposure, exposure. I get it, but damn it's scary. I understand the concept and uderstand how it works. But I also view TOTAL exposure as a bit like dropping a nuclear bomb, gets the target, but there are a lot of other casualties along the way. I appreciate your advice, and call me stupid if you want, but I just feel the need to work on a bit more of a surgical strike for at least a bit longer.

ML, I respect you a lot and have learned a lot from your posts to others. I hope I don't come across as argumentative here, but after all it is my life, so I'm entitled to work my way through it. While a month from now there is a very good posibility that I'll come back and say, "why the heck didn't I listen to ML in the first place!"

But here is why I don't think I can go there yet:

1) I think (OK, hope) that my altercation with OM shook his cage a lot today. I think he knows he has a lot more to lose (financially and professionally) than I do if I follow through with exposure. I think I acted calmly crazy enough today (in a Silence of the Lambs kind of way) that he knows I am one bad day away from making his life REALLY difficult. I am that close, just not there yet. I need it to happen on my terms. Part of the problem is that I have no hard evidence, just a confession from both of them and what I've read in WWs email. OM has confessed to OMW as well, I know this as fact. But I can't produce a printed email proof. If I ever find anything again, I will forward it to myself so I have it. I'm kicking myself for not doing it last night, but the shock kept me from doing anything but reading, a bad moment of weakness on my part.

2) I do believe that WW wants to find a reason to stay with me and save our marriage. She wants the storybook family for our DD as much as I do. She just can't find it in herself yet. She fears that she will one day resent me so much that it will have a worse effect on DD down the road if we stay together. She has started IC and hopefully she can find it there, or at least the ability to put in a REAL effort. In their first IC session the C asked her what she wanted with the IC. WW said she needs to find out what she really wants. I feel like I need to give her the space and time to figure it out. I believe she is strong enough that if she decides that she wants to commit to rebuilding that she can have N/C and make a 100% commitment to it. She just doesn't know what she wants yet. I think it has very little to do with OM. I think it is more about US for her and she needs to decide about that. I don't think it is a me or him scenario, it's just a me or not me scenario. though I do understand that he is standing in the way of clarity on her part, which is why I am fighting the A. This is quite a passive approach, I know, but I also know that WW will not be forced into anything.

3) Like it or not OM is important to me professionally. His professional reputation is instrumental in my ability (and others in my position) to land larger deals and to be successful. It is a fact of life and I do owe a large measure of my success to his assistance. Maybe I'm not looking at it right, but I feel like not alienating him entirely IS protecting myself from a professional standpoint. I can't control what my wife does, but I can control my professional life. Totally alienating OM would be professional suicide. I do know that in the past OM has steered business my way because of his guilt. I know it's a weak thing to hang on to, but I am protecting my ability to best provide for my family financially.

4) I am VERY interested in this letter that WW is working on for me. Hopefully it is insightful and telling. I hope I can learn from it what a path is. Maybe it will be total fog babble, but I just don't know. I will certainly post the letter here for comments when I get it. I feel like I need to let her formulate the letter without anything radical changing her point of view. I know that her tone will totally change if I told her father about her affair. His approval is very important to her and it will take a LONG time for her to forgive me for telling him. It will wreck her and I'm not prepared to do that to her yet. Despite what she has done to me and our family with this A, I just have trouble acting in such a way that will seem so spiteful to her. Telling her father is definately the last card that I will play. But it may come to that.

By the way, how do you let the WS know about exposure? Do you expose and let the people you expose them to inform them? Or do you send a copy of a letter or email you send to the WS as well? Or do you tell the WS that you are going to do it?

5) Is there any value in the fact that we still live together? ML, when you say "It can't get any worse than this," I feel like a separation would be worse than this. It seems that just having her in the house is an important part of rebuilding. It seems to me that if WS moves out that it adds another dimension of the battle that you need to get them back in the house first, and then you start working on things. I feel like just having her still here is important. But then on the other hand, I think she is trapped here unless she decides to go for a divorce. I think that her lwayer has advised her that she risks the ability to get property in a settlement if she leaves. I also think that she will not leave without DD, and I will not let her leave with DD. So I think she is a bit stuck. Bit like a cornered animal, eventually they will fight back and I do fear pushing her to hard into a corner. So, how important is the fact that we are still living together?

I need to think more and welcome all the input. I appreciate all your thoughts and I hope my stubbornness on some things does not turn some of you veterans (like you ML!) off to contributing.

Right now, I am certain that I will be in contact with OMW to update her soon. I think I will have to tell her how I know and if WW hasn't figured out how I know already that she will then. I'm kind of hoping she has figured it out first. I'm leaning towards not confronting WW until I get her letter. I just want to keep the waters calm until she can complete it in hopes that it will open a dialog between us and we can use it a some sort of basis to communticate further and find a path.

thanks again to all and I look forward to all the help you are willing to offer.

Nemo - I think you should expose to her father immediately. This should be your immediate exposure choice rather than the one of last resort - for all the reasons you give above. Yes, it's scary and yes, she will be PO'd like you've never seen her before. And she'll immediately blame you for everything.

One step back to take two steps forward.

We've seen it all before. Would you like us to provide you a schedule of her responses? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That's how sure we are of this course.

Do not tell you're going to do it. Just do it, explaining to him all your higher goals. Maybe even get him a copy of SAA. When she realizes whay you've done, admit it with compassion for your marriage, your daughter, and for her. The best medicine tastes REALLY bad.

I have an idea of the product your business produces, but I don't know for sure. I won't guess here so as not to infringe on your privacy.

WAT

WAT, excellent point. I am changing the order of my exposure plan to OMW (remember she already knows about the A, but maybe not the current contact), then WW's father, then the higher up's in our company as a last resort.

The more I think about it, keeping it out of work if possible is in my best interest. I could even backfire on me.

I will be talking to OMW very soon and will plan to expose to WW's father. I just need to think about how and exactly what to say. On one hand I want to send him a letter or email, just so my thoughts are clear. I worry that I won't say the right things or get the right point across in a phone call. But a phone call could be more appropriate. Maybe send an email and then follow up with a call.

On a more pleasant topic, we took DD to her first soccer practice yesterday. WW is the coach of the team. Watching 3 year olds play soccer has got to be one of the cutest and runniest things you can see. They have a "game" on Saturday that I am really looking forward to. The little uniforms, shin guards and cleats are hysterical.

How close - both emotionally and geographically - are you to her father?

If you have a comfortable relationship with him, I'd recommend a face-to-face exposure, but if not close geographically, a phone call. This way he will be able to see or hear your emotions. Written exposure can't possibly convey this as well. You want to communicate your true feelings of anguish and hope - written words get sanitized.

I remember well little kids soccer. Both my boys participated and the video I took of the "beehives" following the ball are now my treasures.

WAT

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I'm not close to him either geographicly or emotionally. It would take a plane (or a 24 hr + drive) to see him, and I only talk to him if I see him in person, which is very rarely. Like once every couple of years.

I wouldn't say that I am comfortable with him. I'm not even really comfortable talking to him on the phone if he calls the house and I answer and we just shoot the breeze. That hasn't happend in a long time either because he talks to WW on her cell. He used to be one of the most volitile people I've ever met. He's mellowed a bit since he went on a medication a few years ago. It's been a big change as far as I can tell. In fact, WW and her brother have gone on the same medication.

I've been trying to contact OMW today, but haven't gotten to her. I don't have her cell phone and I'm certainly not going to leave a message on the home machine!

I can't tell from WW if she has heard about yesterday's confrontation with OM or not. She can be a cool customer at times. I feel like she must know about it, but am looking closely for a clue.

I've talked to WW today about normal day to day stuff. It kills me to know what I know and let her bounce around in her lies. It's very hard to keep biting my tongue. I'm feeling like I need to tell her about her emails that I saw.
Should I do this while I am working on exposure? Or just wait and let the exposure do the work?

WAT, I've seen you say on more than one occasion warning about in-laws, "blood is thicker than mud." What makes my situation different?

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Nemo16 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nemo16:
<strong> WAT, I've seen you say on more than one occasion warning about in-laws, "blood is thicker than mud." What makes my situation different? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's because you said the following: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that her tone will totally change if I told her father about her affair. His approval is very important to her and it will take a LONG time for her to forgive me for telling him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This told me that her father would disapprove and, hence, add weight to the side of the affair scale to end it.

That said, I thought my in-laws would also come to my defense and disapprove of my WS's behavior. I was their favorite SIL (of three), or so they claimed. They surprised me by defending their daughter that she had just lost a son, so "give her a break." Duh! Didn't that son also have a father?

No one can predict what her father will do nor what she'll do as a result. But we can predict what will happen if the affair continues. This is every BS's gamble.

If you haven't already done so, see the link in my thread "Affair Exposure 101" about exposure to WS's family, also linked inside the link in my sig line below.

WAT - I have read that stuff in the past, but have started to go back through it again.

The latest update:

After work today, WW started asking me what was wrong. I said that I didn't want to talk about it right now and nodded my head at DD. She's just getting old enough that I don't want to have these conversations in front of her. But WW kept badgering me and I eventually said, "I'm sure you know what is wrong." Now, I know she knows what the problem is, she knows that I confronted OM and knows why I did it. So we dance around it a bit until it's been said. I snooped, and she's in contact with OM.

We briefly talked about what was going on with OM. She said that they certainly did stop contact for weeks. She says that the phone call I found from snooping 2 weeks ago was the first contact. Now I don't believe that entirely, but it's not far off. She said that contact continued and just escalated from there. I asked if she has seen him and she said no. I actually believe this for some reason, but she's a good liar.

The we got onto her IC, which is troubling. It seems that in just two sessions that her C has come to the conclusion that, "With or without OM in the picture, it's clear to me that you don't want to be married to Nemo anymore. Any time that you stay with him is just cruel." OK, I don't know much about councelling other than the guy I've been seeing, but it seems pretty odd to be throwing that out there after just 2 sessions. Right now I feel like this lady is either a genious or a total quack, but am interested in anyone's input on this. I just know that my C would never say something like that.

WW says that C is not telling her to leave me, but thinks it's clear that it's what WW wants. WW says that for 2 years she has felt like the M was over, but there is something that is keeping her from ending it and she doesn't know what it is and that she needs to find out. It could be as simple as wanting DD to have a complete family (most likely) or that she doesn't want to hurt me (doubt it). I was psyched when WW said she was going to start IC, but right now I don't feel like she's doing me any favors right now.

That's as far as we got tonight but we agreed to talk more later. We got pretty sidetracked from the subject of the A and I need to get back to that with her. I need my boundaries otherwise I'm going to lose my mind.

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 09:00 PM: Message edited by: Nemo16 ]</small>

It's frequently more harm than good when a fence sitting WS goes to IC. They're just not ready and they seem to be able to manipulate counselors - at least the poor ones. Remember, half of all counselors out there are below average. Do you know if this one specializes in infidelity? Any bets?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nemo16:
<strong>It seems that in just two sessions that her C has come to the conclusion that, "With or without OM in the picture, it's clear to me that you don't want to be married to Nemo anymore.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who knows what your wife has told the counselor? Does the counselor really know about OM? OF COURSE she doesn't want to be married to you anymore - at this moment!! Most WSs who continue an affair after exposure don't!! But this is hardly cast in stone. The reason the vast majority of affairs die out is because the WSs eventually see that their spouses are a better bet and suddenly, their marriage is priceless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nemo16:
<strong>WW says that C is not telling her to leave me, but thinks it's clear that it's what WW wants.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, it may be what she wants today. What the counselor is saying is being filtered twice by your wife's stirred up brains - once coming in and again going out. Ever try to reason with a drunk? Same thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nemo16:
<strong>WW says that for 2 years she has felt like the M was over, but there is something that is keeping her from ending it and she doesn't know what it is and that she needs to find out.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Baloney. Classic revisionist history. This is a direct quote from the WS handbook, chapter 3, paragraph 7. Blah, blah, blah. Foglatin. Alien abductee.

Keep yer chin up, Nemo. How 'bout brainstorming some OM exposure within your company with us? How will I be able to ID your rep in Annapolis? I may have a few questions before starting a transaction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

I will reply more later, got to actually get some work done for a change. Unfortunately I am not very good at my job right now and need to get more focused. This situation has consumed me. there are some minor "new" developments to report, but nothig earth shattering.

One thing has crossed my mind about the IC. Is there any chance that the C could be taking the "you want to leave" position in order to make WW take the opposite argument in a debate and convince HERSELF that she really does want to save the M, while she is trying to convince the C? I could see it as being an effective technique, a kind of reverse psycholgy kind of deal, but it may be a bit too manipulative move for a C to make.

I'll be back.

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: Nemo16 ]</small>

The other morning, the day after WW and I talked about the fact that she has had contact with OM, WW said to me, "Have you told OMW? Because that is what he's really worried about." Now I didn't want to totally tip my hand, but I said, "not yet, but I'm going to," and left it at that.

WW and I went out to dinner tonight. I originally planned to have some fairly confrontational conversations about the A with WW. But we have had a very nice weekend and we were having a very nice dinner talking about everything you can imagine. We talked about things that have come up in her IC and in my IC. It was very good conversation and I think we felt very close during it.

Actually we had a fairly tramatic experience this afternoon where DD was in WW's office with her and started to choke on a nickel. I was downstairs and heard that something wasn't right and ran upstairs and ended up doing the hymlic (sp?) on her and got her to vomit and got the nickel out. It was the scariest thing I have ever had happen. It's so scary when you know that you have to do it all on your own, that a call to 911 won't help in time. So we had some bonding over that horrible experience and I'm still shaken.

But anyway we talked about work stuff for both of us and I told her how I've been very bad at my job lately because I have been so consumed with our situation. She said the same but also, "I know one person in the management group who will back you up if you get any heat. There's one person who will be on your side." I said, "I hardly consider him on my side." She said that the other members of the management group have been presuring OM to hire WW as his personal assistant to keep him organized. It seems he's not very good at his job right now either. Both have said no, but he is being pressured to hire her. She's done contract work for our company. She told me this in a "do you want to here something 'funny'" way. I said, "well, I don't think that's funny and I am preparing to tell the rest of them what is going on." She said, "I know." I suspect that since I told OM that I would stop at nothing to save my family, that they could pretty much imagine what I will do. At that point I told her that we needed to talk about OM. SHe said, "not tonight, we're having such a nice dinner." I had to agree, but I told her we needed to talk about it very soon. I have to otherwise I am going to lose my mind.

OM is leaving town for business for a week on Tuesday. I will be talking to OMW, and I will be planning how I will be exposing this to the management group (OM's bosses). I hate to say that I am giving them one more chance before I do that, but I think that I am. I think that my confrontation with OM and now with my conversation with WW that I have made a strong impression. But I am moving forward with my planning. I plan to talk to WW about it further, but tonight was not the night. That talk will help my planning. When we talk WW is very open an honest. I now think that she doesn't lie to my face, she just hides things. I know there is no diffeence between hiding and lying.

My struggle, is that I have no proof if OM denies the relationship. I wish I had it even though I'm not sure I need it. I also wonder if I have made a mistake by basicly telling WW what I am going to do. Maybe it will let them prepare, but I also want to lead by example by being totally open and hosnest with my WW.

I hope everyone had a great weekend. All things considered, mine was very nice.

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: Nemo16 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nemo16:
<strong>I also wonder if I have made a mistake by basicly telling WW what I am going to do. Maybe it will let them prepare, but I also want to lead by example by being totally open and hosnest with my WW.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you've told her too much already. You may want to believe that she is being honest to your face, but this is a gamble on your part. I suggest you not volunteer any more info to her about any exposure and answer any questions with, "I will do every thing I can to keep our family together."
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Have you told OMW? Because that is what he's really worried about." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To OM, you are the most powerful man on this planet. You're holding the nuke and can launch it any time.

Consider these inseparable facts: You HAVE to expose to OM's W. Period. To do less, you're aiding the affair and OM's W is in the dark. If, for your employment concerns, you think you can't expose to your management, you should expose to OM's W immediately. When this happens, it's reasonable for you to expect retaliation or, at least, a chilled environment from your boss, OM. When this occurs, you have no choice but to go over his head. So in essence, you cannot avoid exposure to your management.

You've got him by the 'nads. You're in control, you only have to choose your timing.

WAT