I have posted on this site several times, and feel the need to again because I have new reactions, emotions and questions each day. D-day was 2 weeks ago. Long story short, my wife wants a separation so she can sort things out. Her plan is to take our 2-year old girl out of state (to her hometown) for an October wedding and use this time to figure out what she needs to do. Problem is that I have found out she is having an EA with an ex near her home town (long phone calls for months). She admitted she had feelings for him but strongly denies any type of A. From what little I have learned, this reaction seems like its from a textbook. I'm not dumb; my wife is calling an ex more than she calls her mother or sister, especially given the circumstances? I also found notes and emails. I don't thing a PA yet, only an EA.

Last night I started plan A. I gave her 3 requests 1) break ties with this guy forever 2)start MB today with me and 3) don't go to the wedding or let me go with. I really tried not to sound demanding but that is the way she took it anyway. Her reaction was very angry. She said absolutely no to #3, was wishy washy but very defensive about #1, and was really pissed about #2. She felt I was pressuring her into a decision right now. Believe me, that is not what I intended. I hope I didn't LB too much and do irreparable damage. I tried to stress to her to give us another chance and all that I was asking was that she have an open mind and think about all my requests. It didn't help much.

There is 5 weeks before she leaves, and I hope I didn't push up her timeline. In her rage last night, she said she shouldn't even be here and she doesn't have any feelings for our relationship right now. The only reason she is here is because of our daughter. I am sleeping downstairs as of last night. Before, we were in the same bed, but thats all.

One other note, I am seeing an attorney on Friday to dicuss my rights and responsibilities. My wife doens't work and she would be living with her parents out of state. If she goes to the wedding with my little girl and has not broken off ties with this guy, I doubt she ever comes back and I may have a battle getting time with my daughter. If I do have certain custody rights, using these rights to prevent her from taking my daughter also may be the last straw. I guess I am hoping this is an ace up my sleeve if it comes to that. However, this is a worst case scenario that I don't want to see happen.

She also thinks that I will try to ignore our problems and hope they go away, like I admit I have done in the past. But I fully realize this is different, it has never come to this. I tried to tell her that I am dead serious about our issues and am 100% committed. I don't think she believes me and I don't know what to do next. She wants me to back off for a while and give her space. She sees a counselor today by herself that we say together last week. I don't know what to think and her reaction last night really scared me.

Please, any advice or interpretation would be much appreciated. Jmash

herreaction is very normal. I am in the same situation with my ww and im about 2 months into it. She told me she wants a sep and i told her to go. Im not going anywhere and neither are the kids.

read more of the posts and gather information. I have seen an attorney as well.

right now im battling with exposure issues. I am trying to shift my plan a twords the kids as well as practice 180's...but im finding it very hard.

jmash,

Your story looks like I wrote it, obviously with the details of the OM and the A a bit different. But I too certainly, "hoped our problems would go away." My WW hasn't asked for separation, but she did mention it once. To which I told her, much like JaH that I would not be leaving.

I don't think that in the current state that you could expect your 3 requests to get any other reaction. Very typical, but far from catestrophic. Different states have different laws, but I think that taking your daughter out of state away from you without consent might not be legal. I'm not certain, but I believe that my WW has been advised not to leave the house by her lawyer. You are doing the right thing in see a lawyer just to protect yourself. However, I think most here would say that bringing the legal stuff into play will be very much against Plan A and a HUGE LB.

Thank you JaH and Nemo. I believe that demanding my daughter stay with me or bringing an attorney into it is a last resort. But what am I supposed to do if she leaves? I have time to think, but it seems like if it comes to this, I have to protect my rights with my child. I understand this is a LB, but should I go to Plan B instead??? Thanks,

Jmash

I have thought of the same thing, but my WW is not going anywhere right now, so I haven't gotten that far. But first and foremost, see what the lawyer says. Do you know if she has seen a lawyer? Mine told me a year ago when she was talking about divorce that she had seen a lawyer. The fact that I know this has been very helpful, because it helps me to know what lines she won't cross. After you see your lawyer and understand the deal, I'd try to find out if she has talked to one. Then you will know if she understands the ramifications of her actions from a custody standpoint. You won't have to threaten because she will know.

It's too soon for Plan B. For Plan B to work, you need to have an effective Plan A first. Without a good Plan A, Plan B can't work.

It's too soon for Plan B. For Plan B to work, you need to have an effective Plan A first. Without a good Plan A, Plan B can't work.
Wrongo.
Plan B is more effective if there is a very good Plan A prior.
But Plan B is very effective by itself if you cannot do Plan A.

Plan B should not be used without help from a professional.

Back to the books for me I guess.

Couldn't hurt to hit the books again but I don't think that was explained in them.
Steve Harley did tell me that personally though.

While being a Plan A doormat, should I continue to bring up my request of her breaking off her EA? I want to make progress by continuing to show her that I care. I'm afraid that she will still get upset everytime I bring it up and it may push her further away. My W is at this moment in her counseling session, and I'm scared to death because of her bad reaction to me over Plan A. Thanks,

Jmash