about 2 months ago I caught my husband with my brother's girlfriend/my best friend. They both admitted that this had been going on since last September. He tells me that it started because every time she called for me and I wasn't home, she told him about all of the problems that she was having with my brother. When I caught them together we had all had several drinks. The next morning he left and spent the night with her. She also just had a baby that might be his. I have asked several times why, and the only answer he can give me is stupidity. I also asked when he planned to tell me and he says soon. I think that it would still be happening if I hadn't found out. I never expected this from him. We've always done everything together, never argued, things were great, or at least I thought but everytime he was rained out of work for 10 months, he was with her. I never really suspected it, he was withdrawn but said he was tired so much, he does have a physically challenging job. He has never done this before and I couldn't force myself to put him through such an ordeal. I thought he was so perfect, my soul mate! Anybody got any help? We are trying to work it out and he is trying very hard, but I still feel like he isn't being honest with me, I almost feel like he's still seeing her but maybe it's just me. He is very affectionate to me now and is doing everything he can to make the pain bearable. Please somebody reply to me!

I caught my husband with my brother's girlfriend/my best friend. They both admitted that this had been going on since last September.

You need to tell your brother about this. Have you?

Pep

Almost everybody knows about the whole thing already.

I still feel like he isn't being honest with me

Tell us about this part

Pep

This part may be just due to my not trusting him anymore. As far as I know he has had NC since all this happened but really doesn't say anything about what happened, he doesn't even have an answer for why other than stupidity. He really is trying very hard to make things better for me but only time will heal I'm sure. It really concerns me that he doesn't talk about the A. He says that he is ashamed of it and so sorry for what he has done and he shows that too but just will not talk about the situation much. Everybody here talks about things getting better and I know that we are starting to recover because he is more affectionate to me and we have better sex than we have ever had, so that is a plus.

It really concerns me that he doesn't talk about the A.

Write out the (5-10 or so) questions you must have answers to in order to proceed... and give him time to respond (in writing) ... several months.... tell him he can help you heal if he does this for you.

Doing this in writing may be a good compromise.

Have you and your H both read the affair books recommended by Dr. Harley? If you could counsel with them it would REALLY benifit your recovery.

What do you think?

Pep

Thanks alot for that idea, hadn't thought of that way of approaching it. I am going to order a couple of the books tomorrow and hope that they help. He actually suggested counseling, but financially we haven't been able to manage it yet, but hopefully can get it started the first part of October. I really do think he loves me but we have gotten so caught up in our schedules that we have forgotten about each other. I just don't understand how he could do this to me. He constantly has dreams that I'm leaving me and is jealous over me which he never has been before, but I think that's just the guilt that he feels.

I just read your story. I have a husband who just kissed another woman, and I am having a hard time trusting, due to the fact that I feel as if he didn't think about me or his marriage one time in the "kissing" process. I still deal with it on a daily basis, wondering if he's still seeing her, or talking with her, or even kissing her.

He has been doing the same thing your husband has been doing, coming home on time, being more affectionate, and actual "being a husband". But like you I have some unanswered questions that I would like to have answered, but then I wonder if I really want to hear the answers to the questions.

You must take this situation one day at a time. I have learned that men are sexual creatures. Alot of them are weak when it comes to the opposite sex, where as alot of women are able to stand their ground and not give in to temptation. Me personally, I would never kiss or be intimate with another man, I couldn't even do it for spite. That's just not my nature.

The other thing is that my husband never apologized to me about what went on, and I had to find out from our cellphone bill what he was up to. Then he finally told me what went down. But I think if he hadn't of gotten caught, he never would have said anything to me about it.

I feel like we need apologies. I don't know how people can go on as if nothing happened. I am struggling knowing that another woman kissed my man. She had a part of him, and it hurts. So just give yourself time. Men are logical creatures, and women are emotional. It's going to take time to heal, especially if you chose to stay and forgive him. Hang in there.

Ms. Parker, your last reply was very encouraging to me. I share many of the feelings that you do. I couldn't even cheat on him out of spite either. Even now I can't bring myself to even look at another man much less sleep with another. I just don't know how he could do this to me. I guess I should be glad that he decided that our marriage was what he wanted, but sometimes wonder if the pain would be more bearable if he wasn't with me but then again, I doubt it.

Along with all that he has done to me, I am angered at her because she was my so called friend and did this to me. I see her as a tramp with no morals or values at all. There are certain things that you can expect from a spouse but you expect a little more from the people that are your friends. I guess I have been dealt the double betrayal.