Well, if you read my previous posts, you would know that WH had a total of 5 A’s since 2001. Four ONS’s and one long term relationship. I found out on Thursday that two of the other A’s were long relationships and NOT ONS’s while he was drunk (while I was here buying a house and he was finishing his military time). He was seeing these two women at the same time for approx. 3 months, having a grand old time screwing both of them. Recovery has been going so well, I mean REALLY well, until Thursday. He had continued to lie to me about those two women because in the beginning, he thought I just couldn’t handle anymore and that I might consider suicide. He admits he should have told me later on in our recovery and stopped lying. Then yesterday, I questioned him on another phone number and he said its from a girl in high school that he had not seen since before we were married. After being pressed, he admitted seeing her a little over a year ago. He said he’s sorry for lying and that he’s so used to lying to cover his tracks that it just comes out. He is very apologetic. The point is, that wonderful feeling I had for him during a wonderful recovery is gone. I feel bitter and disappointed and cold towards him. I’m not even sure that I want to continue recovery. I can’t trust anything he has to say. You have to understand, that these last 3 months have been great and we’ve really been making strides towards a rock-solid marriage, until this. It has been like a switch being turned off in me and I just don’t want him to touch me. Do you think this is temporary or have I now reached my point where I can’t forgive him anymore? I love him but I’m so scared that its all a game.

HalseyBach,

For your mental and physical health , I would recomend you walk away permanently. I know this is against MB principles.You need long term IC.

This man is a cancer that is spreading to you needs immediate amputation.. It will not be easy, you are as addicted to him as he is to A's and apparently as he is to you. YOU HAVE NO LOVE FOR THIS MAN AND VICE VERSA, THIS IS TRULY AN ADDICTION

I pray for you, you truly have a task of monumental proportions ahead of you.

Please go to this web page, look under articles and open "Losers"
http://www.drjoecarver.com/

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

IMHO you H needs to EARN his way back into the family at this point.

He has done the damage over and over, and it's up to HIM to do the repairs.

I would get a legal separation at this point, and tell him "Prove to me you have the right stuff to stay married and faithful, and show me an HONEST effort to repair this damage".... then watch what he DOES and not what he SAYS.

sorry <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Pep

HB,

The rock solid marriage you are trying to work towards is not smooth. If it were (aka: perfect marriage), it would have to be flat because otherwise we would all slide off. Reality check: NO one has a perfect marriage. re: we are not perfect....yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Right now that rock solid marriage is going to have a few bumps and dips. Just don't break a leg on it and send yourself in a downwards spiral.

Here's my suggestion:

1. Get into good MC work. Recommend you also do phone counseling with Steve Harley ASAP.

2. Thank your H for his honesty then set up an indicator when you are triggered. Let him know that he needs to help you over these triggers. For us it is when I approach my xws and ask: "..can I ask you a question?" In a soft and gentle voice. He does not get angry but turns to listen. Key: The softer the voice (don't whisper), the more he as to listen. Once you have secured his attention (willingly) then calmly ask for his help and explain the trigger.

Revelation of this additional info is hard and hurtful but it is also a step forward. Better you both work on Radical Honesty and POJA right now.

Remember, recovery is a bumpy road.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks so much for replying. I was a little surprised by Cymanca's response, not so much by Pepperband's. I thought about leaving and continue to think about it, but wonder if there's still a chance and....jeez, I don't know. It's not an addicition, that I can tell you. I really do love the man, with all of my heart.

Pep, I do agree with what you're saying. He does need to earn his way back in. I really need him to read Dr. Harley's books, instead of just listening to me tell him about the concepts. I think I'm going to let him start working really hard. I'm tired of working hard on this and just having more lies. He really needs to prove himself that he can be a good husband and that he loves me.

Orchid, thanks for the post. We have been trying to do the radical honesty thing, so when this came up, I asked him "what happened to radical honesty?". Sigh.

Want to know what I'm afraid of? The last almost 4 months, with him being a good husband and really trying to show me how much he needs and loves me (I can really see it), that maybe its all a farce. That's what his lies do. It makes me second guess if his feelings are true or not.

I really don't think he'll do counseling, but I can ask again.

Any more advice would surely be appreciated.

I really don't think he'll do counseling, but I can ask again.

Why should YOU have to ask?

Instead.... ask him this:
"Are there some things you will NOT do to repair our M? What are they and why won't you do them?"

Get him to admit what he will NOT try/do before you ask him to schedule an appointment with a counselor.

HE SHOULD schedule .... and HE SHOULD GO ~alone~ FIRST without you being present .... YOU do not do this part of the recovery effort HE DOES .... give him the opportunity to prove to you he will make the necessary effort.

Do not rescue him from his responsibility to take the lead here.

The reason I said file for a legal separation? he needs to read your seriousness about this situation. You appear weak and uncertain to him I think.... time to change that by YOUR willingness to pull the rug out if he's not going to commit to recovery.

Pep

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep, very good points. All of them. And, I've got some serious thinking to do, that's for sure. I'll try your suggestion and ask him tonight what he WILL not do in order to repair our marriage, and why.

AND, you're probably correct in stating that I look weak, and I know this because I feel weak. "ok, this is the last time..any more lies and that's it...." (I think I've said that twice now).

-michelle

I feel weak. "ok, this is the last time..any more lies and that's it...." (I think I've said that twice now).

And the old oft-offered MB advice:

Pay attention to actions taken ~not~ words or promises spoken....

Well, this

EQUALLY applies to the betrayed spouse as well!!

If you say things and then go back on your word... why should he pay any attention to you?

Choose YOUR action to speak FOR YOU .... ~then~ he'll be paying attention.

Pep