My wife has been back in the house since August 29th. She had been living with OM and his roommate. She moved back under the stipulation that NC would be enforced. Since then she has broken NC and talked to him 3 times at least. Telling me the first 2 times and getting caught the 3rd time.

Today he called her and I happen to be holding her cell phone so I spoke with him and there was alot of hostility being thrown around.

Basically he has given my wife a choice, choose him, or choose me. He says if she chooses to work on her marriage, he will leave her be.

Here is the dilemna. My wife says I need to make the choice. WTF.

Here is the email I sent her about the situation. Donovan is our 5 year old son, we also have a 1 and 3 year old.

Dear Ellen,

Ellen - Donovan, are you upset because mommy and daddy are fighting or because you haven't eaten...

Donovan - Because mommy and daddy are fighting...

Ellen - Donovan, just because mommy and daddy are fighting doesn't mean we don't love you. We love you Donovan. And mommy and daddy love each other...

Donovan - But you have to marry daddy...

Ellen - I already married daddy...

Donovan - But you have to marry daddy all the time...

Ellen - I know...

_______________________________________________


We need you more than he could ever need you. The boys need their mother in their lives all the time, just like they need their father. I know it seems insurmountable now, but I truly believe we can rebuild. You just have to commit to doing it. I'll do all that I can for you Ellen. I can't make any promises about how things will turn out in the end, but I can promise you no other man alive will love you the way I do.

Make your choices wisely. They will affect all of us for the rest of our days.

I love you,
your husband

________________________________________________

She responded with the following craziness...

I told you it's not my choice. There are two ways you can go:

Let me go. Without anger or threats. If it's a mistake, then let me make my mistakes. You can be there for me later or you may have moved on by then.

Keep me at home. If you want a wife who is there in body only and not in soul.

Those are the only choices, and they are yours to make. If you can't let me go without anger, then keep me at home. If you can't keep me at home without love, then let me go.

________________________________________________

I've told her countless times if she would like to leave she is free to go. When she sees me backing off she clings to me more.

I refuse to make this decision for her. If I do, no matter what happens I will be the blame. She needs to step up and take responsibility for her own actions.

Anyways, she told the OM she would give him a decision tonite...

Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do in this situation or have any advice for me?

She sounds very foggy. There are way more than 2 choices. She could choose to stay, even though she does not feel "love" right now, and work on rebuilding the marriage.

When she has NC with OM, her feelings for you and her family will come back. All of the WW here suffered through the same thing, but were committed to doing the right thing, not what feels good.

That is what I would tell her.

thanks for the advice, she'll be here in about an hour, should be interesting conversation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry to hear your challenging times. I won;t advise, not smart enough, but I will offer an example from my own sitch.

My WW told me just that fog "I am here without love, you can shackle me with your money but you won;t have my heart, its my mistake you should move on and find someone else...." and all the time she stayed in my house. Mean, SURE,mean , but stayed. I said she should go if she wanted to. She didn;t.

It aint just fluff when the Harleys tell you its ACTIONS that speak truth not wayward lips when WS are in fog.

If she stays, she wants to stay. If she goes, she wants to go. When she talks, turn on a fan * coff* and watch what she does. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I told my WW that she should do what she thinks is right, but that I would do what I thought in prayer was best for our M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Level3:
<strong>

.........Basically he has given my wife a choice, choose him, or choose me. He says if she chooses to work on her marriage, he will leave her be.

Here is the dilemna. My wife says I need to make the choice. WTF.

...........I told you it's not my choice. There are two ways you can go:

Let me go. Without anger or threats. If it's a mistake, then let me make my mistakes. You can be there for me later or you may have moved on by then.

Keep me at home. If you want a wife who is there in body only and not in soul.

Those are the only choices, and they are yours to make. If you can't let me go without anger, then keep me at home. If you can't keep me at home without love, then let me go.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Level3.

All I can do is give you my take on this.

Here you have a chance to get your wife home and away from other man. All you have to do is choose.

It seems to me that she wants you to fight for her. She gets to save face in that you 'made her' come home and ditch the other man.

I strongly suggest you fight for her. Semantics you can work out later. Show her you want her to ditch the other man.

Gimble

the thing is, if I tell her go ahead, leave him, stay at home. When things are going bad, she is gonna blame me and say it's my fault, etc. If I tell her to go, she'll just say I forced her out, etc. I dunno, this stuff is too confusing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Level3:
<strong> the thing is, if I tell her go ahead, leave him, stay at home. When things are going bad, she is gonna blame me and say it's my fault, etc. If I tell her to go, she'll just say I forced her out, etc. I dunno, this stuff is too confusing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wayward spouses always blame their issues on the other spouse.

If she is at home, you can work it out.

There is not room for three in your relationship. You have a chance at recovery. I suggest you take it.

There are plenty of people that can help you through it here.

Gimble

My take on this is also that she wants you to fight for her.

I'm not an expert and may be very wrong, but keeping her at home, if she's willing to, is strongly in your favor.

She's going to blame you no matter what she does right now.... it's part of her fog. She's not able to make a decision right now and is taking the easy way out by asking you to.

Give it to her.

In the end you will know you did what you could.

Really, it's still her choice because she chose to put it in your hands, probably hoping you'll choose to ask her to stay.