Time for me to dip into the MB well of knowledge and experience again. I’ve a judgement call to make. Have had a very strong plan B going in spite of the fact we have 2 small children. Even on our anniversary, not a word.

I have exposed strategically during plan A.....waited too long, but exposed nonetheless. I have not told my aging-post-stroke mother, as I did not want to sully her twilight years on this earth with my garbage. I felt WW would avoid mom, but things are starting to change. She dropped by to visit her with the children 2 weeks ago. It is my daughter’s birthday this weekend. She wants a party with my mother present on Friday.

So now I’m deciding whether the courtesy of sheltering my mother from this garbage outweighs the benefits from additional exposure. Hence the judgement call. Looking for opinions and suggestions from all you wise souls.

Exposure to some random party while in Plan B would probably not be advised, simply because there is no opportunity for damage control.

This is why I chose not to expose to/confront OM3's parents.

But your mother? Let her know.

If you wish to shelter her, give her the briefest (yea, it's a word) of descriptions. "WW is having an A, we are separated, I'm doing the best to allow it to work out."

That's my view.

Ethan

Double post. Ooooops.

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Triple post. I'm on fi-yah today.......

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

sheeesh, you better tell your mother!! I would whoop ya if you didn't tell me and allowed me to sit there and make nice in complete ignorance. Tell your MA!

Hi Binder - can you expose to your Mom in a way that seeks her guidance? i.e., in a way that makes her feel worthwhile? If so, then let her decide whether to bring it up with WW.

What are your plans for the party re: Plan B?

WAT

Agree with Ethan.

Wondered how you were doing.

Sounds like not much different as far as the A goes?

SS

I felt WW would avoid mom, but things are starting to change. She dropped by to visit her with the children 2 weeks ago. It is my daughter&#8217;s birthday this weekend. She wants a party with my mother present on Friday.

Old people are, in general, pretty strong and tough .... put together with enough character to withstand many hard knocks. Most of them are WWII survivors and have a lot more life experience than we do...

Tell you Mom.... unless she is not "with it" mentally.
"Mom.... here's something I meant to tell you sooner, but just did not know how... (insert story)... "

I think it's pretty insulting to your Mom if you allow her to be left in the dark as your WW tries to play "happy family" around her.

Ask your Mom for advice...

Pep... *sigh* I miss my Mom soooo much lately.... she died in March this year...

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong> Exposure to some random party while in Plan B would probably not be advised, simply because there is no opportunity for damage control.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ethan - can you please elaborate on this a bit? What damage control would you envision in Plan A?

For the record, I believe all exposure ought to be accomplished BEFORE Plan B; it ought to be a prerequisite for Plan B.

WAT

WAT-

If nothing else, you have the opportunity to say "I told xyz about the A because your affair hurts me, and I thought they could help." (Or whatever the suitable Plan A response would be for the given situation......)

In Plan B, where there is no contact between spouses, the WS is left to wonder why you told xyz.

Take my case for example. Had I exposed/spoken to OM3's parents while in Plan A, I would have had the chance to tell WW that I did it b/c thier son's participation was damaging to a marriage that I didn't want to end.

If I did it today, where I have been in Plan B with NO contact (other than the two run-ins) for five months, I'm 99.44% certain that WW would assume that I am trying to destroy her R with OM/hurt her reputation with his parents, etc.

Although the explanation wouldn't make a lick of difference, at the very least the WS hears it......

Is that what you were looking for?

Geeez Louise, the innate fear of Texan women alone makes me want to tell her!

Tough? yup she is. Lived in a country occupied by the Nazis during WW II. Fiancé died in a concentration camp, emigrated here, nine kids, single mom with five at home yet. She&#8217;s tough, but since her stroke, very feeble. I did not expect to be at this point and did not want to dump this on her as a courtesy to her and to let her live her waning years without the ugly knowledge. I&#8217;m her youngest and probably closest son, it will hurt her as it hurt me.

SS, the A is still going strong, her and OM went sailing off the west coast for a week in August. The Hurricanes I prayed for.........missed. Sorry Florida.

WAT I agree that plan A was the time/place to do it. Part of my conundrum and possible mistake. That is a all part of the dilemma. Too little (or in this case too much) too late. I've got to evaluate the risk/benefit ratio.
I recall a post where someone has counseled with Steve Harley where they quote him as suggesting some additional exposure in Plan B.

Plans for the Birthday party? She can have her party on Friday....I get the children for the weekend and can have one on Sunday, the actual day of her birthday.

Ethan, If I get some free time tonight I'm going to post on your thread. I keep taking far more from this site than giving. I'm feeling guilty.

It would be an HONOR if you told her. She is your mother and it will tell her that you trust her and need her support. Please don't deny her the opportunity to be a mother. That is no favor, and as I told my baby boy [age 22 and 6'4"] I can still reach your [censored], son, so don't mess with the Mama! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ethan - who cares about damage control in Plan B? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In Plan B, where there is no contact between spouses, the WS is left to wonder why you told xyz. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I say, let them wonder - and let them vent on someone else - like OM!

Binder, listen to the Moms here - tell yours. Do it in a way that makes her feel you need her. Rather than a burden, I bet that would be a gift you and I cannot appreciate. How do you know she doesn't already know something's wrong?

WAT

She knows we're separated of course, that's no secret. She initially asked if there was another guy, but back then I denied or was elusive with her. Since her stroke she is slightly confused and does not always pick up on the subtleties. So I'm pretty sure she doesn't know about the A, as she's not one to beat around the bush if she did.

Just spoke to MIL. WW has just spoken to her explaining to her that she doesn't feel I love her, thinks the only reason I paid any interest is cuz there's another guy involved and this is all about control. Gee, I want some control in keeping my family intact. How selfish of me.

She also confided to her mom how lonely she is and how she cries at night. I cannot see how I could have shown a clearer path back to our marriage or expressed my desire and motivation to rebuild it. I have taken a huge, likely disproportionate amount of responsibility for the state of our union. All I can do now is remain a distant spectator as she looks around at the mess she&#8217;s made.

Oh yeah, and maybe tell mom.

Hi Binder,

It's nice to see you are still around.I don't think I have seen a post from you lately but I should talk.I took a few days or five off for a break. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am going to go against the grain here and say that since your mom is not in the best of health,to forgo the information but perhaps inform your WW not to broach any discussion about your marriage.

When the news came out about my WH's adultery to all our family members,it was not a pretty sight.You would have thought that we were all on some radical diet we all lost so much weight with the pain and stress of hearing the news,also the sleepless nights and worry and fear.I don't know,it's your call but for me I would consider telling mom very carefully.

My FIL,MIL and all the rest of us decided not to tell my WH's dear beloved Grandmemere because she was in ill health,frail and having a hard time just dealing with day to day activities.

Well,about a week after we decided not tell her anything even though she knew something was not quite right with all of us losing weight,she died.This was back in April.Our families were SO glad she wasn't told because everyone would have been even more devastated if she had died after finding out about the painful story.

Just think about the *emotional impact ok? Even though your dear mom may be tough in spirit,she could be just as devastated as any body builder or triathlete with news of that magnitude.Good luck to you.

O

P.S. Whatever happened to the weekend wedding of SIL that WW wanted to take your D to? That was you wasn't it? Sorry if not.It's been a while.

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I assume MIL knows your side of the story?

O, good to hear from you.

I was sick about the actions of your husband in your last go around. I felt embarrassed to be one of the good intentioned MBers that saw hope and gave you encouragement. I’m sorry about that, but am glad you have returned with your warrior spirit intact.

I have been sort of taking your position regarding mom until now. She was upset with the break up as she absolutely adores our children. This revelation might have less impact than I think. Your in-laws sound like they are very strong family people. My family is not so wired. Mom is divorced; all 4 of my sisters are divorced, one of them 3 times! My younger sister left her husband and married her affair partner. They put the “fun” in dysfunctional relationships.

WAT, my MIL knows all the details which I divulged upon exposure. She has been a great support and ally. She is devoutly religious; bit is not short on life experiences. She was the OW for a while before turned to God. She does not by my WW’s shallow rationales for one minute. She even stops asking WW about it because she knows the lies are continuous and she does not want to see her daughter injure her chances at eternity any more than she already has. However, she does tell her straight out what she is doing is wrong and tells her to restore her marriage. She also explains to WW that what I’m doing now (plan B) is not being cold, it’s being safe.

PEP, missed responding to you. If and when I do tell mom, I will use your phrasing. So much better than left brain can do.

By the way, just so you guys appreciate your southern locale, I woke up this morning to 2 inches of snow on the ground. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Binder,

You are in toronto are you not? Surely it isn't THAT cold yet up there?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Please don't feel badly about any advice you gave me.There is always hope until the very last for each one of us but I just don't see it happening for me at this point.In fact,after all my postings and troubles mentioned in the previous posts about my WH,he is up in Toronto again now looking for work,so he can be closer to the homewrecker and his new adopted "in-laws" I am sure.He even forgot to call the kids again for bedtime.Hmmm.I remember that all too well.What memories <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Just cannot remember to call his children unless it's an after thought.You know,busy with the homewrecker and all his former cohorts at the local bar again I'll bet.Well,at least he's not here.

So,I would say,after all our confusing advice,listen to your heart about what to do about mom.If you think she is a capable of not being severely affected by the pain of the A then maybe she can handle it better that we think.You know her best.Perhaps making a pro and con list will help.I do that on the few occasions where I am not completely sure of what I want to do.

Take care.

O

Binder -

I am not quite as old as your mom. But my desire will always be for my sons to come to me with their problems. And that is until the day I die.

And the same is true for my step-daughters. I have always told them that I want to know what is going on in their lives, and no matter how bad it is, I still love them.

It goes the other way too. My dad is dying of prostate cancer that has spread to his spine. I found out my mom is planning to put him in a nursing home when it gets too much for her.

I told my mom that this was not acceptable to me. My mom said that it was up to her, and she didn't want to burden me. I said, "No, mom, It is up to me. When the time comes, I will take off from work and come and be with you and Dad. I will stay with you, and help. If you are not happy with me being there, THEN it is up to you." But I will give it my best. My mom started crying, and said before she felt so alone.

So tell your mom, and give her the chance to help you.

I agree with both sides, but still lean towards telling her. I know my mom would ALWAYS want to know.

And I hope you can pop in on any of my recent musings.

But don't feel bad about the give and take. It is what I love about this place so much. Everyone here has so much to give, that no one complains if you just take for a while.......

Ethan