I saw an Oprah show on infidelity in which a
BS got great closure from e-mailing the OW. My question to all is this -- does a conversation with the OW help heal or open old wounds? We've been in recovery for three years, but I've yet to see or talk to the OW. I know she's still in the area and have often thought it might help me to meet her. My WS would rather we move on, but the show got me thinking about this again. Any comments pro or con? Thanks!

I think talking to the OW helps ~only~ if you want a better relationship WITH HER!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Closure" comes from within yourself .... There is no such thing as "closure" via one single discussion or event ..It is a PROCESS .. it's more like a slow walk away from an object that gradually gets smaller and smaller ... and eventually disappears from the horizon... and then it is simply no longer a part of your environment...

Keep walking away ... and don't call OW

Pep

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

That is a really hard one to answer and is definetly indivual in choice. I will copy and paste from another thread on another board I posted I hope it helps you.
WOW I can definetly identify with this one... Just spent 5 weeks getting to know OW.... circumstances throw us together we even camped in the same tent for about 4 nights. When I initially met her I gave her a hug and wispered in her ear "just to show you I am not a total *****" I dont know why we were thrown together so much over the next 5 weeks other than for gods wishes. Anyway she appologised most proffusly to me and I saw the genuine remorse in her. She also said to me recently that once she met me she relised she must forget totally about my husband that we totally love each cther and belong together. They both do have feelings for each other I guess that will never die but neither want to go down that road again. I think in a way I trust OW more than I trust hubby (strange) She knows I forgive her she knows i genuinely care for her and will help her if she is ever in trouble. I am so glad I got to meet her and learnt to forgive. I learnt she is not the evil person I imagined. But I also understand she has never chased after my H and tried to make him leave me for her so forgiveness was a lot easier. My son made a comment this morning he showed me something OW had given him previously then said I thought you hated her.... I said yes I did but now I have met her I feel differently and he said yes she is nice isnt she mum. I am glad we all came out of this healthier. lol I even told her if I die she can have him then. haha but then I made sure to check what she fed me hahaha

oops forgot to add after I pasted that. Did it bring me closure yeah I think it did... Did it tear me apart You Bet. I would not advise this lightly but if the OW is repentive and really is not out to cause you more pain than I am not against it. But I also see the side of letting sleeping dogs lie. In my case I am glad I did this but... I did go through a lot of pain but my marriage is exceptionaly strong now...... but it has brought me back to some dark places that I did not want to really revisit. But I am really pleased with myself in the way I acted I think I came out of this a winner in EVERYONES eyes especially my own and hubbies. OW is also 17 years younger than me and pretty... but strangely that did not bother me.... I know I am more beautiful in other ways... lol
I hope which ever way you go it brings you peace.

The chances are it would not be good for you. I personally wouldn't do it if I were on the side you are on, as the BS. Too many possible variables, like what if she treats you badly then you have opened up old wounds and for what? That certainly won't bring you closure.

However I would love to talk to my ex fiance's ex wife, just to tell her how sorry I am for the part I played in her divorce. I did write her a letter, but she seems to have disappeared.

They didn't have any kids together and his kids really don't like her, & they were very glad when he divorced her. If she had had kids with him I don't think I could have survived finding out he was married. I am thankful for that if nothing else about this whole nightmare called my life.

"She also said to me recently that once she met me she relised she must forget totally about my husband that we totally love each cther and belong together."

THIS is precicely why you should not trust her!

She did NOT say the following to you :

"I should never have trespassed on ANY marriage. Not yours, nor anyone elses. Marriage is a sacred covenant. Even if you and your husband were fighting like cats and dogs.... it would be WRONG to commit adultery with a married man. Because adultery is ALWAYS wrong. ALWAYS."

Pep

edited to add.... are you saying that OW only expressed regret about the affair because she realized ~you~ are a good person? Does this sound trustworthy to you???? Not to me! It's like saying:
"I will never steal from people I like".

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>