Hello Everyone,

I've been lurking here for about a month, figure it's time to post my story.

Found out in June my W (didn't know she was WW at that time) was 2 months pregnant (YAY). Found out in July that she was dating a co-worker (BOO). Found out in Aug they had a PA (DOUBLE BOO).

When I found out in July about her dating all my shortcomings as a husband hit me like a ton of bricks. My inattentiveness, lack of affection, not wanting to do things on the weekend. I start to do these things when I find out she's dating but she says I am doing it forced now and it's too late. I continue showing her love and affection but she is still in constant contact with OM. We continue to go out on the weekends (whenever she isn't with OM that is) but the good feelings always go away because when she isn't with OM, she is thinking about him.

We went to one counseling session together but we both didn't like the counselor. I said let's try to find another one but WW decided that we can fix this ourselves, I went along with that decision (BIG mistake).

So in Aug. I ask her why is it so hard to let this OM go? We have such a good time together until he comes up, and that's when she drops the bomb on me. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life, I still feel the tears well up whenever I think about that night. I thought about suicide, wrote good-bye letters to WW, my unborn baby and my mom. Showed them to WW hoping to shock her back into loving me (that doesn't work btw).

WW was scared so she showed the letters to my godmother. My godmother talked to her about her own affair (godmother is in recovery with her husband). Godmother talks to her about the love for the OM feeling so real, that she understands how WW feels this OM is the love of her life, that when this affair ends my WW will feel so bad about the pain she is causing now. It all falls on deaf ears.

My WW is as stubborn as they come, she says her feelings are real and that no one can get her to think any differently. I am in IC and I wish this would've been our first counselor, I'm sure WW would like her. WW went out of the country to visit her family on Aug. 14. Her reason to visit them is that the stress of seeing me in tears and the pressure of me asking to rebuild our marriage is not good for the baby and she wants time to relax and think. I thought this was a good idea because if she is away from me she will realize how much she really loves me.

Turns out she is talking with OM practically the whole month she is gone (only calls me 3 times) and now she tells me that she will live with OM when she gets back.

So today I send emails to her best friends, her sister, and a friend of hers from work telling them about the affair. I didn't want to expose, I wanted to solve this ourselves, but I feel it is the best chance I have now of saving our marriage.

I'm pretty sure I left some details out here and there so go ahead and ask any questions. I really don't have any questions to ask, it just feels good to write this stuff out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Thanks for reading.

GDF

Hello GDF,

Welcome to MB although I'm sorry you have joined our ranks.If you have been reading here for about a month or so,you probably have some idea of what the plan of action is.

Plan A is the best way to start interacting with your WW right now although if and when she atually does move in with the OM,I would suggest Plan B.So,if you have limited time to do Plan A do it right and a lot,as much as you can stand.You will want to leave a good impression with her about your actions and your discussions.If all she remembers is crying,arguing and pain,she will want to run for the hills.You need to try as much as you can to be caring,open and honest,even comforting.No LB's(love busters either),a hard thing to accomplish.

Also,I am not sure of the timeline but there is a possibiltiy that this baby might not be yours,no? If she was involved with this OM for months before you actually found out,a DNA test may be needed after the baby's birth.What would help is trying to find some concrete info about just when the A started.Your WW might not be honest with you as most,if not all,WS's lie at any given moment for any given purpose.

You did the right thing about exposing the adultery to WW's friends.Did you do this with both families yet? How about the workplace? Will they still be co-workers after she returns? If not,consider doing so so all exposure will be done and over with.You could check that off your list of TO DO's.You should also get some of Dr.Harley's books: SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs).

Keep posting to vent and ask questions.We're here for you.

O

P.S. I don't know how you are coping right now,but if you find yourself unable to eat and sleep properly and have wide emotional swings(rollercoaster),seek some medical attention for AD's(antidepressants).Even though I am going to be divorced soon,I am still on them and they have really helped me deal with all of this.

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I am so sorry you are here, but I'm glad you found this place. Please start to read everything you can on this web site. Everything you have said is very textbook affair stuff. By reading here you will learn that most spouses in an affair tend to act in EXACTLY the same way. It does help when you can predict their behavior, it will help to protect you from a lot of the pain. You will also see that most of what you have been doing won't work (except the exposing stuff that was the right thing to do)! But don't worry there are a lot of people here that can help you work through this and help you to save your Marriage.

Is the other man married? If so, tell his wife, and also expose him at work.

And, if you haven't already. Click on the link in my signature line.

Hi All,

Thanks for the warm welcome.

Octobergirl:
Unfortunately she told me about the PA and a week later she left the country. I hadn't discovered this board at that time so I was crying my eyes out practically everyday. If she does come back and lives with me I will plan A my hardest. According to the doctors she conceived in April. I am 100% sure there was no PA at that time, the friendship with the OM was just starting. Her work usually keeps her outside but there was a slowdown in projects so she started doing office work, that's when they met. The OM cell number is nowhere on our cellphone bill at that time. They will not be co-workers, she was laid off. I exposed to the only person at her work whose e-mail address I had. She emailed me back saying it's wrong to tell other people about this matter and she doesn't want to get involved further. So I don't think anyone else at his work will find out. I just started reading SAA. Although I did lost weight I am doing my best to eat well, it's funny but I never had a problem sleeping after D-DAY. I do feel emotional at times but it's more like the teacup ride instead of the rollercoaster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

kloe72:
It's scary and comfortable in a weird way how WS's act so similar. Even though I know what's coming it still doesn't stop the hurting in my heart.

believer:
OM is not married, recently divorced.

john39:
Your link was one of the first things I read when I found this site.

GDF

justs found another GREAT Plan A link: read this, too

Thanks John,

Already read it yesterday.

When will your wife be coming back? Are you talking to her?

She is supposed to be coming back Sept. 15th. But since she found out about exposure I'm not sure when she'll be back.

Hi again,

Well,you seem to have a good head on your shoulders despite the trauma you are going through.Good for you.

So now you play the waiting game I suppose.You don't know if your WW is coming back so this time should be taken to work on and improve the new you.

It's no surprise that your WW doesn't like you telling people about her bad behavior and usually WS's get mad too.But,so what.It's part of the fall out.It sheds a big ole light on the ugliness of the adultery and it's not so secret anymore.She can run but she can't hide.

I am going to be seeing an old friend of a couple my WH and have known for years.I am going to spill the beans because when we talked on the phone I had to tell her we were getting a D but why,she doesn't know...yet.I am not going to protect WH's faulty image any longer.I think that is part of why my WH is trying so desperately to get a job back in the country the homewrecker lives.He can't face anyone here anymore,even his family.He is choosing to hang out with all the cronies who don't care about all the damage he has done and even support it.Yuk.

Well,you are on your way to either a marriage recovery or self recovery just by being here and seeking help.Stick with us,it's a fun ride. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

Please read the following from the MB article titled What Are Plan A And Plan B:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs AFTER THE AFFAIR HAS ENDED."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In other words, you do NOT start trying to meet your WW's emotional needs until AFTER her affair has ended. And as you've experience firsthand with your WW, your efforts to fulfill her long neglected EN's makes you look like a phony who only wants her not because you love her but because you fear losing her.

Plan A is essentially the following:

1. Ending your love busters [angry outbursts, selfish demmands, and disrespectful judgements].
2. Expressing a willingness to meet her long neglected EN's after her affair has ended.
3. Informing the OM's BW or partner of the affair. If the OM is single, then expose the affair to her parents.

Even if she were to allow you to fulfill her EN's without agreeing to end her affair, you will start to feel like a doormat because that is exactly what you will be. This in time will cause huge love unit withdrawls from your love bank for your WW, and you may not have enough love left after she ends her affair and is ready to recommit herself to rebuil the marriage.

Don't kid yourself, the recovery part is much, much harder than dealing with the ongoing affair, and many BS's don't even make it to Plan B and just go to divorce despite the WS's willingness to rebuild the marriage and makeup for the damage he/she has caused.

My WW has never acknowledged her affair as a mistake. She is sorry for hurting me, but she doesn't see it as a mistake.

Since the OM was a co-worker and we are having financial difficulties, she convinced me that we could not afford for her to quit her job to get total separation. I see now that was just an excuse to continue to see OM, but I wasn't strong enough back then to continue pushing the idea of total separation. I had one angry ouburst when she kept telling me that I don't understand, she is in love with the OM. After that it was only cryfests.

When I tried to negotiate for total separation, I knew what EN's I wasn't meeting of hers. She acknowledged that I wasn't meeting those EN's and I haven't been meeting those EN's for 2 years. I agreed, I apologized, I asked for total separation so we could give it a real try this time. She said it is too late, she is in love with someone who makes her happy now and I just have to accept it and move on.

Hi GDF,

Yep.That is the standard script we all hear more or less from our WS's.So don't feel that this situation with your WW is unique and that maybe she has "something special" with the homewrecking OM.Puke.

The thing is,all of our WS's needed to tell us what was missing in our marriages if they were unhappy,not go out and cheat.Big mistake.That is NEVER the answer to anything,ever.Your WW will find out,after the honeymoon phase wears off,that she is just with another guy and a new set of issues,problems,set backs and discoveries.

Telling you to move on is also standard fair.If we all just move on wouldn't it be better for everyone involved,especially our WS's? Less guilt perhaps if we find someone new? My WH had the demented audacity to encourage me to see other men many months ago while we were right in the middle of the adultery and we were obviously still married.I said that I would not make the same painful and selfish mistake.So much for marriage vows.Your WW of course does not see what she is doing as a mistake.She probably feels very much entitled to what she chose to do.She must be telling herself that she deserved it after such a wretched marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Your WW sounds like a classic MB case so stick with the program and try to take what WW says with a grain of salt.She believes everything she is saying right now but so does a drug addict when all they can think about is that feeling/high they are on,everything else goes out the window.

Let us know if and when your WW comes back home.In the meantime,how are you taking care of yourself? Do your families know about the A?

O

<small>[ September 19, 2004, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Hi All,

My WW came back Thursday morning and left the same night. She stayed at a friends place (not OM) last night and tonight she went to the same friends place (I hope). She is determined to get a divorce so I told her I don't want it but I'll do it anyway. We thought we could do this amicably but as soon as she saw that I wanted to put "adultery" as grounds for divorce she got really, really upset. She says the reason our marriage broke up is because of how neglectful I was to her for 2 years. I agreed I was neglectful, but for me the reason our marriage is breaking up is the affair. She doesn't see it this way so Monday she is going to see a lawyer. I don't know how she is going to pay for this lawyer, we don't have any money. She is scared that if we file with adultery as the cause of the divorce then I will try to take the baby away from her. I told her I wouldn't do that, but she says she can't trust my word. She says that since I exposed her affair the way I did she can't trust me and doesn't know what crazy thing I'll do next. We still have to sell our condo, but I don't know if she will do that now. She is so angry and hurt she will do the opposite of whatever I suggest no matter the outcome. This sucks so bad. I just wanted to fix us and in the process heal our marriage, I wanted to give our child a chance at a normal, happy home. I pray to God everyday that he talk to my wife and help her out of her pain and suffering. I pray this will still have a good ending.

GDF

Stay in Plan A. She is acting right out of the WS textbook. They all say the same thing when exposed. Take it with a grain of salt.

If you don't want a divorce, stall it.

I am going to stall the divorce as much as I can. But I just don't know how much of this emotional punching I can take. She says that because I won't leave the condo, I am forcing her to leave. She says that I should consider her and the baby dead. She says that her life has been a mess since she met me. Basically she knows my emotional weakspots and keeps hitting me there. I try not to let it get to me but she can see the hurt in my eyes. That's all she does whenever she sees me, punch, punch, punch. Even though I know they are coming I just can't seem to ignore them. She isn't living with me, she is staying with friends and maybe OM. So I let the big cry out when she leaves and then I feel better. I just hope I can keep drawing strength from somewhere until she comes back to me, if she ever comes back to me.

GDF