I am not trying to be right, I am trying to be understood.

This is not an "academic" question, in my opinion. It is about understanding your husband. You say it was to satisfy his lust. Does he agree with that assessment?

If so, does the word "lust" mean the same thing to both of you? What are the two of you going to do about it so that he won't satisfy his lust in a way that hurts you again? What, exactly, does "satisfy his lust" MEAN? To him? Do BOTH of you understand that well enough to make the necessary changes so that he won't do this again? That doesn't seem like an acedemic issue.

:::I am not trying to be right, I am trying to be understood.

::::This is not an "academic" question, in my opinion. It is about understanding your husband. You say it was to satisfy his lust. Does he agree with that assessment?

It was my husband that said it. John, he didn't even know the girl. We live in Asia. There are 230,000 domestic maids in this city from the Philipines, Thailand and Indonesia. They are working as full time domestic maids here because they are desperately poor. My husband received a letter (which I now have) from an attractive 26 yo maid, asking him whether he would like to get to know her and would he teach her English and it would be a secret between them.

He'd met her once on our bus - she does 24 hour a day care of a highly retarded child that she lugs around with her. He is normally very friendly and he said hello to her, and forgot about her. Five weeks later he got a letter from her.

When he got the letter from her he remembered how pretty and confident she was. I was always considered very pretty but I'm 50 yrs old!!!! We met when I was 14 and he was 15. I'm slim and very fit, but I'm living a lot of my time in home country with our two kids who are needing me (we have a difficult family history so my kids worry me a lot), plus my mother was dying of breast cancer. I was flying between three places continually. My H had never flirted with other women or ever shown the least interest in being unfaithful. I think he was more than happy with his life. In fact he always used to say he loved his life. He recently said he was the happiest person he knew.

But, his best friend had had a maid (sex) and had told him how much she loved it. The maids are known here as LBFM. Little brown *&^%$#@ machines. He was attracted to her, as she has exceptionally large breasts and a pretty face and he remembered his friend saying the one he had sex with loved it. (his friend forgot to tell my H that the maid gave him genital warts which he gave to his wife! - who is also our friend). <groan>

So anyway, H followed the girls instructions and started seeing her. She asked him for money almost immediately. She had never read an Englsih book or seen an English film and she was actually very hard work to talk to. My husband was used to easily engaging people, but found he had so little to talk about to this girl. And H was constantly scared of being seen with her. He was really afraid of losing his great reputation with his work colleagues and of me finding out. But, he said he was sexually very attracted to her and also felt annoyed about her asking for money - he realised he was being used and decided he'd use her and see which one came out on top (no pun intended).

One problem was that she told him she was a virgin. I think he believed her and decided he would only be able to have OS with her. <double groan> We have a daughter the same age as the girl, and she is a medical doctor. My H was the best father to our daugher and helped her with her exams constantly. (H is an academic).

H took the maid out on three of her days off (one day off per fortnight - 9am to 8pm) She came back to our flat with him each time. She would only allow her breasts to be fondled (she is muslem) and nothing more - and he wouldn't give her any money. Well, a bit, but not the large sum she asked for. But he bought her gifts and treated her to fun days out. He talked to her every day on the phone for 10 weeks - the English lessons! He gave her pictures of the pair of them together - which is astounding seeing western men are routinely blackmailed by these girls, and she practically lives next door to us.

I discovered the A when I found 20 photo's of her in the sent messages box of our computer. We have a son too who was 24. The maid threatened my H she would go out with our son if my H wouldn't go out with her. A joke taht wasn't funny huh?

The nite I discvoered the photo's my H called the maid and told her to shove off. He told me he was relieved it was over. I'm sure he was. The girl had his jumping thru hoops and what for? A feel of her breasts. And I'm having a pretty hard time wondering what happened to the incredibly wonderful person I thought I was married to.

:::::If so, does the word "lust" mean the same thing to both of you? What are the two of you going to do about it so that he won't satisfy his lust in a way that hurts you again? What, exactly, does "satisfy his lust" MEAN? To him? Do BOTH of you understand that well enough to make the necessary changes so that he won't do this again? That doesn't seem like an acedemic issue.

Do you really think he is in danger of doing it again? He has so much egg on his face he'll be cleaning it off for the next 10 yrs. He wants to leave his hugely lucrative job here as a senior university academic and retire on the small nest egg we have saved. He has got down on his hands and knees and cried for me to stay with him.

John, I'm really sorry to go into so much detail. I can only imagine that you are sorry that you asked. Just one more thing to complete the picture. My family are Jehovah's Witnesses. My H and I were excommunicated for not believing their cr*p. I am not normally permitted access to my family and it's been this way for 20 yrs. My husband and children were everything to me. Seeing my H betray me for for so little, has pretty much detroyed my belief in humanity. Oh and my mum died 7 months later - I had stopped going to see her as obviously I was unable to trust my H alone. To be honest the damage is already done. If he still has the energy to lust after young gold diggers after what he's been thru, then he's welcome to them.

Goodnite from Asia

Just to let you all know, Snowbelle is taking a little leave of absence from the forums for a bit! The pain is really getting to her and she felt the need to remove herself from it for awhile!

No, I'm not sorry I asked. Actually I see a parallel between our stories, that does relate to the question of lust. When I asked my wife why she did it, at first her answer was, more or less, "Because I am sinner". That gave me no assurance it would not happen again. I'm a sinner, she's a sinner, everyone is a sinner. I needed an explanation that involved something that either she or I could change, or else I could never trust her again, and I would be divorced by now. Her initial explanation was true, but not useful.

In your case, I see the "lust" explanation in much the same way. It may well be true, but I don't see it as very useful. It's not like his lust is going away any time soon. According to you, he has 229,999 other possibilities in town, and that's only counting the poor maids nearby. It's not like there are no other predatory women in the world, either. So he knows next time he will lose you over something like this...Do you really think he wasn't aware of that possibility the first time?

All I'm saying, is that If I was in your position, knowing what I know (believing what I believe?), I would not be satisfied with his explanation. From your explanation, it sounds like she also played him with the "Knight-in Shining Armor" role. It is one of the most common approaches for women who seek affairs, because there is a part of every man who wants to be that for someone. Is he YOUR knight-in-shining armor? (OK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...probably not right now...similar to my wife's need for admiration...kind of went down the toilet when I found out about the affair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) Was he at one time? Can he be again? What about the other emotional dynamics of the affair? It sounds, from your posts on the "affection" thread, that you have the "he wants to feel desired" thing down pat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , and it's not just for his money.

:::::"Because I am sinner". That gave me no assurance it would not happen again. I'm a sinner, she's a sinner, everyone is a sinner.

John, I can't help laughing at this explanation. Sounds like a lame duck excuse to me. My H (athiest now) said because he wanted sex with her. What???? Tell me something I don't know! REally, when you think about it, what else can they say? e.g. Clinton on 60 mins; "because I could". Yup, ya got that right.

:::::It's not like there are no other predatory women in the world, either. So he knows next time he will lose you over something like this...Do you really think he wasn't aware of that possibility the first time?

That last sentence hurt. Well, yeah there are lotsa predatory men and women out there and our Ss have proved themselves particularly vulnerable/suggestable. cwwalker posted something about his FWW being more easily manipulated than other women. I gotta tell you, that my H fits this category. He's a people pleaser. Once he'd showed his weakness to the preedy little lady, he was mince meat. She was half his age and ten times smarter than him (in a gutter smart kinda way). Have you considered whether your wife is vulnerable to people putting the pressure on? Just a bit too polite is she? Boy can that lead to trouble. MB's has taught me that you don't have to be polite to sexual predators. Save politeness for decent people.


::::All I'm saying, is that If I was in your position, knowing what I know (believing what I believe?), I would not be satisfied with his explanation.

I've seen her. What's not to be satisfied with? The BBC did a tv special recently about British men having A's with their au pere girls. It's not rocket science. It's human nature surely?

:::From your explanation, it sounds like she also played him with the "Knight-in Shining Armor" role.

Yup. He tried to help her find institutions she could study at if she returned to her home country. She tried to make out she was interested in bettering herself. Husband snatching 101, that kind of thing. He is a born educator. He was in his element - but he told me that he knew it was a cover for him, for where his real interests in her lay. In fact he said it was so awkward because he didn't know how he could cross over from the comfortable role of helper/educator to disgusting old sleaz bag. (btw, I'm Australian if you are confused by my down to earth turn of phrase)


:::Was he at one time? Can he be again?

He was, very much so. Not sure that he will ever be again. Time will tell.


:::What about the other emotional dynamics of the affair?

Yes he felt flattered. He thought she was attracted to him. Presumably made him feel young - except when she asked him why his bald head was so greasy? I so wish he'd told her that because he's an older man, he's very nervous about running around with a silly little bimbo and the heat and the stress is making his subacious glands work over time. (she'd have not understood a word of that)

Can you tell that it p's me off that she was so rude to my stupid H? (you'd think I'd be pleased!)

:::It sounds, from your posts on the "affection" thread, that you have the "he wants to feel desired" thing down pat, and it's not just for his money.

He never had any money when he was 15!

After d-day he said I could have all our assets if I left him. He was willing to start over with nothing!!!! What an idiot, losing everything for that little troll.

To be honest with you, I think he feels thoroughly used by me at times. (in bed that is) It's great, coz a man doesn't like to admit that he needs a rest. But he does sometimes. I just tell him he can have a rest when I'm done.

Pls don't take me too seriously. I'm very strong minded but I have a wicked sense of humor.

AN

I'd like to add another opinion, as a male. Sure sex is never just about sex. But for me, it can be devoid of emotion, but not devoid of feeling. I don't have to like her or feel anything for her. In fact, prior to marriage, there were times I slept with women I disliked very much. For me, it was about the conquest. The the thrill of the hunt, the feeling I got from it. The sex wasn't bad either. But it had nothing to do with emotion.

Eric

It kills me but I have no doubt that my WW felt she was making love with the love of her life, and that compensated for any mechanical shortcomings he may have had.

It sure as hell wasn't just sex for her. Thats as as to bear as the physical betrayal