I try to make them go away. They have gotten some better. I used to trigger over everything, now it's some better. But, I've noticed that the better me and my wife are doing, the less I do it. The more we fuss the worse it is. She says that she understands and if I just think about something else it will go away and all is fine.

I get these picutres of the OM and my W together and I sweat, my heart beats faster, I feel rage! I've forgiven her, or at least I'm think I'm doing my best to, but why does this keep happening?

What kills me more than anything is her being upset with me because of these triggers. Ok, I didn't used to have them; this is a new phenomenon since the A, right? I didn't make this happen, then why are you mad at me????? I say it's like her shooting me and then fussing at me about bleeding on her carpet. It's not fair > it wasn't fair in the beginning > I dealt with that, but now it's still not fair > I guess I'm going to have to deal with that too.

When I first apprised her of all this I think she was really trying to help, but once she saw that this was an ongoing problem, she got tired of it and now she thinks it's just me not wanting to let go of it.

Someone help, please.


Out!

Are you and your W going to marriage counseling?

I ask because a good marriage counselor would inform your W that what you are going through is very normal part of the recovery process and that she is going to have to be very loving, patient and understanding to help you recover from the pain she caused you.

Now as for you, keep in mind that your W is probably like most FWS's who would like nothing better than forget that the affair ever happened and go on with life. The last thing a FWS wants is to have to face the consequences of their actions because then they would feel pain and guilt. For her it may not be easy to have to admit to herself that was the bad guy that caused such horrible pain and misery. Your triggers are a painful reminder of that to her.

If your W choses to react angrily at you for having the triggers then she is making huge withdraws of love units from your love bank and one day she may find out that you have no more love left for her. If that happens then the marriage will indeed be over.

RWS

Hi. I've been following some of your story and boy how can I relate to those triggers! Fogman and I are nowhere near recovery, but I have triggers nonetheless. A bad one is when I see him talking on his cell. He pretty much has no friends left, so who else would it be? Triggers cause panic attacks, which totally suck and get worse the more you get upset about having the attack... I'm glad to hear that they are calming down. Very much like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder IMHO. Are you on meds?

I agree 100% with CoffeeMan about her not wanting to be reminded of what she has done to you. Still is shaking off some entrails of fog, I see. She wants you to just get over it? These things take about 2 years, from what I've been told.

Have you hit up the Recovery Board yet? They'll be better able to guide you through the muck.

Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

My wife and I have been reading this together and she says that I don't tell the board how I treat her. She says that I don't tell how I get angry and frustrated and show how I don't trust her. Well, that's true, I do show it. So, to clear the air, I do show distrust, I do show anger, I do show frustration. Well, if I do it's only because I am distrustful, angry and frustrated. So, what do I do about that. I've tried just making a decsion to trust and then move on, but then I'll trigger and then all bets are off.

This is a living hell that there seems to be no escape from. I love my wife and my family. I've done everything it takes to try to keep them together even when she was in withdrawal and I was getting no help whatsoever. When I had to be Dad, Mom, Housekeeper, Cook and everything else under the sun. Now we've moved and we're hunting new jobs and the pressure is on again!!! Great, just what I need, more pressure. My ulcers have ulcers!
And you know all I want.....? Not out of the marriage, not out of the picture....no, I want her to come along side me and be loving, helpful, understanding, patient and help me through this crap that was dumped in my lap. That's all! And if I have a bad day and get angry, then just love me through it, not retaliate. When I have a trigger and I feel resentment... for her to understand why it's happening and love me through it. Not, get upset and say what don't you let it go. Not to say "you don't ever want to trust me again, do you?"

I'm not asking for a whole lot, I haven't from the beginning.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've tried just making a decsion to trust </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well there's your biggest mistake right there. We haven't really hit the acceptance stage yet.

My H and I just hit our 5 month recovery point. The triggers DO lessen, and your feelings of frustration and anger will also become less intrusive to your life, but trying to just "shut them down" is like putting your finger in the dam. Eventually...it comes out with so much force, you no longer have control over your emotions.

No FWS wants to accept their contribution to the triggers, frustration, anger, anxiety. They want to wave that magic wand and POOF...it all goes away.

How untrue is that ?

What the FWS fails to understand, is that the A itself is the just the tip of the iceberg you're trying to recover from.

There are all the lies... association of timing/events that you realize...Well damn... THAT is where they were that night.

Hundreds of hundreds of lies have to be told to keep an A alive. The FWS has begun to process the A from day ONE. We only have from DDAY...so they are way ahead of the game.

You need time to catch up. That's all.

Don't make the mistake of letting anyone live in fantasy land.

This just doesn't "go away".... from one BS to another.... if you've given your spouse the ultimate expression of love, by staying in the M after such destruction... you deserve a little time to process the whole thing.

Keep moving forward...it does get better. This won't EVER go away. It's part of your M...it's part of YOU... forever. Sometimes...dealing with it is easier with that little acceptance !

RWS: Just curious, did you get any counseling for yourself? I went to about 3-4 sessions to help me with feelings of resentment. It seems to have helped, in that I haven't had that issue to deal with.

Dday for me, is now over 6 months ago. I still have triggers, though not as many. I would imagine that I'll probably have them to some extent the rest of my life. I had reached a point, about 2 weeks ago where I pretty much felt indiffence to OM. Then OM tried to talk to FWW and it just reopened all the old wounds.

Last night, I was coming home from kids practice and he was on the road (in his four wheeler) in front of me. I tried to run him over, well, not really, but I caught up and flipped the high beams on. He knew it was me and high tailed it up the hill and I turned. (I think he got the point, but I wish he'd have got the blunt...)

Good luck dude,
RH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

RWS (and to FWW a big HELLO!)

You have every right to ask for support from your W. She will not (ever) understand the excrutiating agony and heartcrushing pain we BS's experience. She has her own demons to fight, however, which I don't envy. But a critical part of this is to be able to count on her openness, honesty and support ALL OF THE TIME!

This is going to be what your "new" marriage will be built upon...being each other's everything all the time! You will in this way protect yourself from another horrific mistake like this A.

Shw will not be able to erase your hurt, but in this way will build up your trust and love again. You instinctively want to stay and leave at the same time, creating that sick feeling inside we have all felt. She is now responsible for winning your love back. At the same time, you need to continue in your Plan A and solemnly swear to never hurt her even when you want to bop her in the head with a bat!

Recovery is hard, just go check out the Recovery Board and lean on those good people, too. They are going through and can understand exactly what you both are going through. Maybe your W can post, too???

I feel like I should be able to ask her for her support. But when she won't really do it, it really makes me feel bad. I feel betrayed all over again. She thinks I'm just trying to hold it over her head, I'm not, but I'm just trying to get over this thing.

Before the A. my anger was the big LB and I can feel that anger trying to sneak back in because of all the stuff with these unresolved feelings. I was strong for a long time to keep things together, now that we've moved and things are calming down, it's like my emotions are getting heated up all over again. When she gets on the cell phone.... but she says, who do I know in this new place, I couldn't do anything if I wanted to. And I say, "it doesn't matter, I still freak when I see her do it." I just don't think she understands, I think she tries, but maybe she can't understand, I don't know.

Out!