I'm new to this and I may be asking stupid questions. See my earlier posts for the background(http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=004615). I'm very confused about plan A. I have read the material and your advice and maybe my emotional state is influencing my reading comprehension. I started plan a 2 days ago and my W was really upset. Now that this is out, I thought I was supposed to become a doormat and please her in every way, make her see the man she married. If so, how do I bring up the subject of cutting ties with her EA again without LB'ing? She is getting smarter about hiding communication. She just deleted her dialed and received calls for her cell phone memory. I also found out they are sending internet greeting cards to one another. Obviously she is still trying to have an EA in secret. Thanks,

Jmash

BS, 32
WS, 32
D, 2-1/2
D-day, Aug 24, 2004
Plan A, Sep 8, 2004

ok jmash

lets see if I can put it in perspective for you.

PLAN A is not being a doormat.

A I understand it, what you are supposed to do is to not loose your temper in discussions if you have them, but to firmly respectively place your point of view to your ww
You do not accept disrespect and you can set boundaries e.g in your case it would be ok to say that you want her to cease all contact with the OM so you both can work on OUR M etcetc that kind of thing.
Timing?? well I wouldn't harp, DONT BEG, but every few days gently remind her of your desire to work on the M and to do that no contact with OM.

In Plan A you also show her the best of you, the kindness, the non judgemental behaviour, respect, love, care, and commitment you have to her and the M.
NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS TO YOU.
Plan A is for you to negotiate with your ww to totally separate from the OM without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make you much less attractive to your ww.

You can express your sorrow and hurt for her actions should the discussion come up but from what I have seen here those talks don't come to often. Most W early on cannot see that they have hurt anyone & if they do they go into deep denial.

Whats behind plan A is to reinforce in your ww that YOU are the man she fell in love with & married. YOU are the man who CAN meet her emotional needs.
YOU are the man she should CHOOSE.

The idea is a that a lot of it wont seem to get through right away but little bit by little bit she will see that what she wants & needs has been there right in front of her...all she had to do was ask.

The other thing is not to say hurtful, angry or disrespectful comments or demands, especially if there has been an emotional discussion of some kind, even if totally justified, to your ww. They will literally throw your ww into the arms of the OM.

If she talks rubbish that really pushes your buttons, says things like I should leave, or we will never resolve this etcetc, one good method is to quietly say something like well if you left our daughter & I would miss you, but if you feel you must then you have to do what you think is right..that sort of thing...puts them a bit off balance & they cant argue & try to get you to LB them when you agree wih them. But dont expect miracles, its takes time, a lot of time.

Expect to be blamed for original sin and everything that came after...as I was told just keep repeating to yourself 'its all my fault' and you will understand what your ww is thinking.
Its not true of course but thats par for the course.

Now, read the Plan A articles again and see how YOU can do those things which will build up the love bank in your ww.

Aussie: What an explanation! Kudos to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

jmash...aussie spelt it out very well...I agree with you though: it *IS* a fine line: between the act to "reinforce in your ww that YOU are the man she fell in love with & married," and letting her do what she pleases with your feelings--the doormat.

I suspect you'll be encountering "babble-talk" from her soon (if not already.) Pepperband has a great link to "reverse babble-talk" and Bob Pure sure has some experience in it, among many others here. I would check her link out to be prepared.

Being a FWH, I always perceive plan a as also an "investigative", soul-searching, "time to make me better" type of deal. Find out how you could improve you. (Please don't get me wrong: in absolutely, positively, no way am I insinuating the A is your fault--no way, no how--it's her choice, her doing, her actions--but there may be some underlying reasons of why your M is imperfect. At the very, very least--*YOU* will be a better person coming out of this all!

Oh, and welcome!

Best wishes!

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

I think I understand but I am concerned about every time I bring up the EA, she will think I am making demands. Even if I tell her I am not demanding, I want to negotiate with her. She will think I am pressuring her into a decision to work on our M when she does not know what she wants. This will start an arguement, and if the next thing I do is go buy her ice cream or do the dishes, if doesn't seem like it will mean much.

Jmash

Read up on plan a and POJA on the site. It will clear things up for you a bit.

Read up on plan a and POJA on the site. It will clear things up for you a bit.

You bring it up by telling her what you know, how you know it, and how you feel about it. Whenever it comes up. She is not really open to negotiation right now, but you can still ask. Just expect that she will say no.Read This