While vacationing in early August I discovered that my W had a password security on her cell phone. When I asked her about it she said she didn't want anyone using the phone. Her answer just didn't seem valid since we are the only ones in the house. I expressed my alarm about what she may be hiding. Last Thursday her cell bill arrived and I for the first time ever reviewed it in detail. I found numerous calls to another cell phone. I have since learned that the OM is a co-worker. I have now analysed the usage for the months of July and August. My W commutes to and from work 2 and one half hours each day Monday through Thursday. Her cell records show that she has been talking to the OM almost every morning and evening during her drive times. Sometimes he calls her and sometimes she calls him. She admits to being 'friends' with this co worker but swears that nothing physical or romantic is occurring. I have liitle problem with hr having male friends. She already has several, but in this case she has hidden the reords, blocked the phone access and said very little about his man, except in passing, before I viewed the cell records. She now says that she had no idea how much they were talking, but that hte majority of the talk was about work stuff. The records show that they talked most every work day beginning in at least July and continuing through August. The total minutes exceeded 1000 in July/Aug. Somedays out of 150 minutes of drive time they talked for 96 minutes. Other days the volumes were numbers like 62, 96, 89,55, 44, 61, 19, etc. I think this is a big problem and I believe that she has cheated on me with this that I call an emotional affair. Am I overreacting? She says she didn't think she was doing anything wrong. I think when you are talking with a member of the opposite sex in that frequency, in that volume, and hiding it from your spouse this is wrong. Why does someone hide something they don't believe is wrong? I feel very hurt, angry, betrayed, and many other emotions. Comments?

Dice,

Oh yes, "reviewing the cell phone bill in detail"...been there, done that!

Definitely something more than the usual work related discussions. Blocking access with a password and not telling does not bode well..at all.

Does she then get to work and there he is? Does she work at the same building with him? Is he married? Ask your W if OM's W might be surprised to discover this phone chatter between them.

Check her emails. Is she at the computer alot?

Go back and look at the past months too. You should be able to do this on line...must have a password though.

Might be time for a "come to Jesus" sit down. Time to get pro-active.

k

Sounds like an emotional affair. Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

Hey dice. (Actually, if I can call you dman instead--recovering gambler!)

You are *NOT* overreacting. If she has nothing to hide, then why the he11 is she hiding it? Right? At the very least, yes, this is what you would call an EA. What kind of work does she accompish in her car, anyway? These are questions you can ask her, but you'll just get more lies. (Been there, done that, too.)

For your own sanity, krusht's idea is a good one--she is certainly not going to tell you--she didn't to begin with, right?

I don't mean to be so negative, but if you can nip this early in the bud, all the better for reconciliation in your M.

Your emotions are absolutely normal. As believer said, read up on plan a and keep asking for advice here.

Best wishes.

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

Hello, I'm responding as a veteran of an emotional affair that went on between my H and a female co-worker. Your wife is jeopardizing your marriage. Not going to go into gory details here; you can look up my old posts if interested.

Read the Emotional Needs, Plan A, Plan B, and How Affairs Should End sections.

FYI, emotional affairs are even more treacherous and damaging to the marriage than sexual affairs. And that does not mean that sex outside of marriage is not betrayal. It means that EAs do worse damage, if you can imagine that.

You may want to tape a voice activated recorder under her car seat to find out just what sort of business they are discussing.

Doesn't sound good. My initial discoveries have all been through cell phone records. Even with that evidence there were denials and excuses....yeah right. Trust your gut on this. If OM is married try to contact his W with your evidence. No reason to delay. You will be lucky if you've caught it before it went to a PA...I think.

My H had an EA with a former coworker. I discovered it by looking over the cell phone bills. An EA IMO is worste than a PA. H for the longest time would not accept he was having an EA. After all, they weren't having sex. They were so "noble" They weren't having sex. They were "just friends." (Not that he could with ED from some medications.) So they didn't see lying, sneaking behind my back, etc. was wrong because they weren't having sex. And it was MY fault for their behavior because of the way I was acting, and for not accepting the "friendship."

One thing I have learned, If you even here the phase "We're Just Friends!" is most likely there is more to it.

Also, it seems to me that cell phones are a very common way of conducting an EA.

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: shay919 ]</small>

And I also felt betrayed, hurt, angry, ect. I was on the worste emotional rollercoaster ride I had ever been on. So, to me, sex is only one part of an affair. The connection emtionally with a person of the opposite sex is an affair, too. And I came so very close to having an EA myself after this mess.

Oh yes, all too familiar....I found 99 hours of talk time in 2 1/2 months between WH and my close "friend". Denial and pride can be powerful though, he still doesn't think he was unfaithful - over a year later and we are now divorcing.

They never think that "just talking" is an affair. In its own, there is nothing wrong with "just talking" but there is something definitly wrong with "just talking" and covering it up. Its the cover up that points it to an EA.

dman...having been in an EA myself ask your W, what were/are the topics of your "just talking" conversations? Why did you hide this if you were "just talking"? And, why wasn't isn't she able to "just talk" with you? *YOU* are her H who she should be sharing her intimate thougths with; her problems; herself.

Best wishes.

DMan,
If you can, get Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It is a great book and has questions to ask regarding when a 'friendship' becomes a problem. You know there is and your W more than likely does. But noone wants to think of themselves as being involved in any kind of A and will deny, deny, deny. Maybe telling her to ask herself the questions will help her see that she's falling into a very bad pattern.
MM

Yep, it's an Emotional Affair. She is WAY over the line. Both the voice recorder idea and the recomendation of Glass's book is a good one. The other best resources I have found are in the link in my signature line. The recovery process for an emotional and a physical affair are essentially the same, so click and read.

I am new here and still in W from an EA. Your w may not even realize she is doing something wrong pleeze help her. My EA was w/ a counselor so it was easy to cover up and actually totally snuck up on me. I didn't realize what I was doing complaining about the H & M w/ the OM for over 18m till finally I broke down and admitted I had feelings I felt horribly guilty but was hoping he returned them, he did eventually and it was a roller coaster for me, it went up and down w/ Moral breaks but lasted 4yrs. I felt as though OM understood, knew all my crap, and still cared for me, that was incredible... and decieving. I do love my hubbie and I want to get "back" to what we should have.. I hope you can prove to ur W how destructive this will be, and how it hrtz U and will hurt her too.

Dice,
Hickory Dickory Dock.

I think youse have had quite a shock!

I know weak Dice Man impersonation.

Have you asked your wife what she and her "friend" were talking about?

Ask her. Try to get at how intimate the conversation was. My guess is that it was more than work related or "hi. How are you?" She was probably sharing her feelings, her attitudes ie. intimate conversation.

Later ask her if she is attracted to this guy. At this point she'll probably lie out of fear. Did she ever talk about him in the past? She may have spoken of this co-worker in glowing terms in the begginning of the relationship.

Soooooo

If it's secret. If it's intimate. If there's attraction. It's an Emotional Affair. This comes from Shirley Glass,the author referenced above and who in IMVHO has the best definition of an EA that I've seen.

The suspicion of an EA is where my long journey started as well. Good luck to youse, Dice Man.

Mac

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Just a heads up - I'm not saying don't do it, but ask your lawyer about the recorder.

I would look int to the whole thing a little deeper. My WW told me she was just friends with a co-woker that I found out about her talking to every day to and from work and at work and so on. The said the friendship had gotten out of hand. I continued to investigate. Turns out that it was WAY more than an EA. Good Luck

Tellmewhy

Bump

Bump again

I wouldn't necessarily trust anything the OM or your W told you about the phone calls. 92 mins while on her vacation....unacceptable.

Harley recommends not having separate friendships with people of the opposite sex. Also, we should never discuss our marital or personal problems with persons of the opposite sex.

DiceMan-

My W had an EA too, with a minister. She started working out, tanning, etc. Eventually, as my bewilderment caused me to focus on her (without understanding what was really happening) I found out about the cell phone talks. They were daily, out of my presence, and kept secret from me. After looking at the bills I was shocked to see his cell number 500 times, around particular times of the day, over 5 months.

We have been through counseling and it helped. I would highly recommend this. At first she denied everything, said they were just friends, etc. Eventually, I showed her the phone records and she admitted having discussions about his wife and her faults, and other intimate matters. My W still refuses to admit this was an affair, but does admit maybe something could have eventually happened. You must stop the contact in order to restore your marriage and prevent something worse in the future. Spending this much time talking together in private can only lead to trouble.