I have been married for over 5 years now and I am a proud dad of 2 wonderful children. We started dating early in High School and have been faithful to each other for over 10 years. The problem I have is that my wife and I constantly are fighting verbally over topics that would make a good party joke conversation. This has been an issue going on since we got married. Even over the last five years after our marriage there has always been something missing from our lives and I feel it in her as well. There has never been that heart pounding, palm sweating feeling that you always hear about when two people are really in love. I honestly believe the one reason we are still together is because we love our children so much we could not imagine living one day without our children. She has always been the type of person you would see in the middle of a crowd (The big city type) and I am the type of person you would find sitting on a river bank in the middle of nowhere. Two totally different people with nothing in common besides the home we live in and the children we raise.

So I guess my question is? How do you know if this is really the person for you? I know you are all thinking, “Well if you haven’t figured it out by now being married for 5 years there is a problem”. Or is this the real world and this is just the way it is?

I would say you need alot more communication ,,, after 5 years I would think that ya knew what you 2 had in common ...

I mean children are the best but JMO it will not hold a M together forever ...

Maybe you can try getting into some things that interst her so you can share something other then your kids .

Good luck ,,,and yes I do think there is that one person out there ,, not just a soulmate thing ,more like words can't discribe ,,,

Hi jakester,

Welcome to MB.

Allow me to ask you a blunt question: are you involved with another woman?

If you are not,please don't be fooled into thinking that another woman is the answer to your marital issues right now.It is a common statement said by actual wayward spouses(WS's) and potential ones to say that you have nothing in common with your spouse and also that you do not have the symptoms of infatuation with your spouse anymore(if ever at all) which is only the first stage of love and may or may not lead to long term real love.Having sweaty palms,increased heart rate,etc etc is fleeting.

The other obvious statement you eluded to is if your current spouse is the one you should really be with or other's like "shouldn't we be soulmates"(ACK).The world in which we live now is real jakester,this isn't a Hollywood movie full of unrealistic fantasies without real world problems and without pain.If you don't mind my saying so,I hear a lot of excuses in your post.

If you have a problem in your marriage then do something about it.Seek out some professional counseling,read books,talk together about what needs to change.Don't allow whatever issues you have to fester and overtake your lives.You have two children who deserve to have a happy,loving home with happy,loving parents.

Don't become another statistic like I am going to be,do WHATEVER it takes to make your marriage what you want and what your wife wants it to be,YOU BOTH have that power.The answer lies within.

O

I dont think that there is that "one special person" somewhere out there. I think marriage is about hard work and communication. To be honest many people can feel like that one special person when first dating, but eventually their faults come out. EVERYONE has faults. Part of life. There are many reasons people get married and many are the wrong reasons, but even those marriages that are for wrong reasons can become good marriages.

Reading this sight helped squish my arguments with dh. It's simple. I just learned not to argue back, hence no argument. (and I used to start most of the arguments <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )I approach him in a calm, open and honest manner when something needs to be discussed. Good luck to you and your marriage.

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: becka4321 ]</small>

The "soulmate" concept: "there is one person out there who will be perfect for me" is a lie straight from the mouth of Hell.

So, no, there is not "one" person for you in that sense.

Beyond that, your differences will be a source of family and marriage strength if you learn to resolve the conflicts they generate constructively. It will build your intimacy, and broaden your understanding of the world. Get, and read together, "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" by Willard Harley. There is no better resource for developing a great marriage on the market that I know of. It is possible. My wife and I are overcoming 17 years of bad habits. It can be done.

"Is there really that one person out there?"

You bet your a$$ there is!!!

It's your WIFE!!!

I suggest you both get off your butts and put some effort into your marriage before your children become victims.

Get into counseling, get into each other, get talking before you have a REAL challenge.

7.5 billion people in the world.
3.75 billion are the opposite sex.
Out of this 3.75 billion, and someone manages to pick that ONE person that is their "soulmate"?

My advice?
BUY A LOTTO TICKET NOW!
MegaMillions odds are 1 in 135,145,920
Powerball odds are 1 in 120,526,770.

And you just picked the 1 in 3,750,000,000!

The fact that your wife is a city person and you are wilderness dan, should add to the passion.

I would be terribly bored to be with someone just like me.

You don't need another person, you need to spark it up a bit with the one you got

Now get reading!!!!

There is more to marriage than that "heart pounding feeling." Even in the marriages that start out where it seems that those two people have that feeling, it dies down. It is replaced with something better, mature love.
The kind of love that says "No matter what happens to you or us, even if body parts start to fall off or one of us gets cancer, I will love you the same and be here when we need each other the most."

Personally, I think that is far and away much better than "butterflies in the stomach when I see her/him" It always dies.

It's funny. I was reading my response and those of others and I thought about something. If you would have asked me this question 5 yrs ago, I would have said that you should seek your soulmate. Now, after experiencing all aspects of a real marriage, I realize that it is about so much more than that "perfect" soulmate. Experiencing marriage makes all the difference.

I prayed for a very long time last night thanking God for giving me such a husband. He has screwed up pretty big before. So have I. But through it all, we have stuck it out. He is my one special person.

becka, after reading your post from yesterday, I'm happy to see you making these types of posts. I am so glad you found MB and are implementing the principals BEFORE you were led down a road you didn't really want to travel.

A lie straight from the mouth of hell is right! Well said, Johnh.

Of course there isn't that one special perfect person. Follow the advice others have given. It's tricky, but it isn't rocket science. You can turn your marriage into something so wonderful. It starts with you.

It's like Dave Grohl says...

It's times like these you give and give again.

GC

Jake,
Octobergirl was being very real asking if you've found someone else, maybe not involved with but interested even. Those tingling feelings can get lost in day to day of a marriage. It's sad but true.
Get some books and start reading, NOW! Fall in Love, Stay in Love or His Needs/Her Needs by Harley. There's another good one that my husband related to Five Love Languages. Find out what it takes to get the love going in your life again. Remember all you did for each other when you were dating and how each of you always put on your best and gave your all.
It's so easy to get caught up in the children and forget about the two of you as a couple. The best thing you can do for your children is not to stay with their mother just because they exist but instead to nuture your relationship with their mother. Teach them from an early age how important she is to you and that you are important to each other. In 'articles' here on this site, you can do some reading on that.
Your question sounded like something my husband could have asked a few years back. He wishes he'd never gone there and instead had put the energy into us. Once we had our wakeup call and realized how close to disaster we'd come, we started going out and taking weekends off together. I think both of us were kind of shocked at just how much fun the two of us can have together- just us two. It's difficult to do with children but it is vital to your relationship.
Good luck to you Jake.
MM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />