To those of you who have been following my dilema I feel it appropriate to share the rest of story. I have been so focused on the anger and resentment of what my WW is doing now with the separation and the A, that have been neglecting to acknowledge and look at what led to this. I think I have been trying to keep some of it buried and apologize for not sharing sooner. I have been so desperatley trying to focus on the problem at hand, and asking for advice on how to deal with my WW's A but without some of the additional background info the advice I am getting is probably meaningless.

My relationship with my W started as an A. It started in Feb of '96 and we have been together since that time until we separated in May of 04. We blew the normal stats that say most A's end in 6 months. My W was with a man that she married young due to being pregnant. Her strict Catholic upbringing caused her to try to stick it out. But she was never really in love or happy with him. When I met my W for the first time it was literally love at first sight for the both of us. Almost before a word had even been said. I know that is how most A's feel at first but we were still going strong long after the initial 'fog' phase. Her kids loved me, she loved me we were all really, really happy.

Fast forward now to spring of '02. This is the part where I come clean and face reality. I started having an EA with one of my W's friends. The 3 us played all played in a band together and she and I became closer friends and shared a genuine respect for each others musical talents. My W became jealous of course because i was giving too much time and energy to another woman. Nothing ever became physical for us nor did either of us want that. But the frinedship was bad enough by itself. Things of course went downhill fast. My W was begging me to put her first. She was accusing me of sleeping with the OW. I was lost in a 'fog'. The OW was playing me against my W. This went on for about 6 mos. but in a wierd way my W almost enabled the A because she didn't want to break up the band. Finally she put end to it and broke the band up and made me stop seeing or talking to OW. Which I did. But oddly enough the OW called our house about a month later and asked my W if she minded if I accompanied her with my guitar because she had to sing at a funeral service. My W OK'd it even though I really didn't want to she actually kind of encouraged me to do it. After that day all contact was cut off again from OW. I of course went through a period of withdrawl, mostly about the band breaking up becuase music is so important to me.

Life bacame crazy after that and we never really had the time, energy, or money to fix the problem and repair our M. My W was trying to build her business and that took a lot of her time. Because we were living on literally one income money was tight. Coming up with money for counseling seemed impossible and led to more stress. Our nights out and weekends away were almost non-existent. We were just getting by taking care of the kids and the household. We were just so stuck in our ruts of routine life and trying to get by the no EN were really being met. '03 was even worse. My mom started working for my W and they had a falling out. Our oldest D accused my step father of inappropriate touching. That created quite a rift in our family. So now on top of working all the time my W is now spending all sorts of time and energy on this issue. I spent literally the whole summer of '03 working on our house. COme fall of '03 we were both pretty much in withdrawl phase. '04 started better my W and I joined another band and this time there were no other women in it. We were having a blast and finally had something positive to focus on that we both enjoyed. It wasn't enough to bring us through the withdrawl though. Then of course my W met the OM in Apr of '04 we separated in May she quit the band, 2 weeks before our first gig I might add. And this led to my summer of anguish and soul searching. I have been doing everything in my power to try to get her back and rebuild our M.

I still feel that my W actions are no way to resolve the problems in our M but this will definately shed some insight on what led to things falling apart. I guess even though I have been trying so hard to fix things it's why I have felt kinda hopeless, becuase so much crap led up to her A.

I don't know if there is any hope or any advice that can be offered. The first 6 of our 8 years were pretty damn solid and hell of a lot of fun. So there is definatley something to build on, I just can't seem to convince her of that. And like I said sorry for not sharing all of this sooner I think I have kinda been in denial and so focused on my recent hurt and anger.

Parkem,

Thank you for coming clean, to us and to yourself.

Your WW seems to be repeating past behaviour of fleeing, which is what she did when she met you.

FamilyMan has a story similar to yours in that he had an affair years ago, then recently his FWW did.

They are back together and in recovery now. But it took him awhile I think, to see how the pain he inflicted on her led to her affair.

I am no expert but I don't see why the plans still wouldn't apply to your case.

Have you consulted with the experts at MB, the Harley's? If you can swing it, I think you should.

Weaver

No i haven't talked to anyone at MB yet. I have thought about making an appointment with SH just haven't done yet.

Parkem,

I really think you should. Your situation is very complicated, you need to be coached by an expert.


Weaver

Yeah, you are probably right. I have tried just about everything else. I think I will try to make an appointment next week.

Stopping by.

Well parkem, I agree that this is one for the professionals <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am glad that you are "coming clean" to yourself..that is the most important thing here.

I still think you have a lot to work with (and the other day when I said "you weren't done yet"..I meant YOU weren't done.meaning, I didn't think you felt like it was time to throw in the towel).

just want to leave a ((hug))..it really sucks having to face our own faults and demons, WHATEVER the are.

Yeah it is really hard. I kinda feel like a hypocrite trying to fight for my M. After everything we have been through I almost feel like I deserve this. I couldn't even see it at the time but it is amazing how damaging an EA can be, maybe even worse than a PA!? It is so hard dealing with my W being so torn between my own guilt about past actions and anger towards her current actions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by parkem1:
<strong> Yeah it is really hard. I kinda feel like a hypocrite trying to fight for my M. After everything we have been through I almost feel like I deserve this. I couldn't even see it at the time but it is amazing how damaging an EA can be, maybe even worse than a PA!? It is so hard dealing with my W being so torn between my own guilt about past actions and anger towards her current actions. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do not deserve this! Wrong is Wrong. I beat myself up for a long time over past actions which I have no control over. What you have is today, where you are right now. I faulted myself, rightly so, but I have corrected my issues and have chosen a new way to live my life including higher standards of self-respect and respect for my partner. If you can look in the mirror and say you've taken steps to correct your past mistakes as best you can, committed yourself to your M or R, and done your best to make emotional restitution to your spouse; then it's time to move on.

MB has helped me immensely, and I think if my W had the benefit of MB Principles when I was fogged we never would have gotten to this point of 2 A's and the agony that ensues. I really do not wish this on my W, but she made her own decisions to have an A and then transform it to an EA after our reconciliation and to lie about being involved with him for the last 2 years. WHEW! The truth is regardless to how painful this is, I wish she hadn't done this for her own sake. The guilt she will eternally carry (once she defogs) will be like a weight on her shoulders for years.

I don't think I've ever responded to one of your posts before, but I will be more attentive for now on. Your M is saveable! 2 Wrongs don't make a right, just 2 LEFTS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FamilyMatters - Thanks for the support. I don't feel like I did all that I could do before the Separation in May, but I have tried my hardest since then. I have learned a lot and done a lot of soul searching this summer. My W has just been unresponsive to anything that I do. She also has not filed for the D either so who knows.
MB has helped me a lot and I agree that if my W had sought something like this when we were going through my EA that we probably could of avoided her A. With everything that I have learned from this site I can look back and say that my W's approach to recovery and rebuilding after my A was not that constructive. Not that I do was doing all the right things either. But definatley some kind of outside help or support or information would have helped a great deal. My frustration now is that I have all this information but the only thing my W want's to talk about is the D. She wont even consider trying to recover at this point. I believe our M is saveable, in fact I know it is, I just need her to decide that that is the case as well.

Parken,

Ktulu just posted a link to someone else to the home page of MB, on "can a marriage be saved by one".

Why don't you go read those, Harley gives some answers to people letters to him whose situations are similar to yours.

Also you might want to read the link JL has posted to K's story. It is well worth the read and also some very good advice by Cerri, whose thread JL also linked.

These links are on a thread started by hopefuliny, titled "K, are you here".

All these links are very very good.

Weaver - I have read through that stuff about a M being saved by one and I have been trying to do what it takes. I just went and read the links from the "K, are you here" thread very good stuff. Thanks for passing that along.