Hey board,
As some of you already know my story, I won't go into detail, but will summarize my sitch.

My W had an EA during our separation or slightly before it (depends on which timeline you use?)
I tried to woo her back for a couple years than I gave up and focused on me.
She came back and we reconciled 2 years ago
During the reconciliation I went back into woo her mode, trying to keep the family together.
I found out after a year and half into reconciliation that she was now in an EA with the same lover from her earlier A.
I found MB and began a MB Woo Her/Plan A
2 Months later spent, I went to Plan B after she chose to leave for the 2nd time during our reconiliation.
3 weeks into the Plan B she came back and agreed to No Contact/Counseling and committing to our M.


Question/Issue:
Its been a week and I haven't seen the No Contact Letter so I called her at work and asked..."hey where's my No Contact Letter to OM?"

Her Response:
I don't want to give you a date because you will hold me to it...

My Response:
Okay...don't play with me now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> This was part of our agreement....

Her Response:
I'm just getting settled back in, it's only been a week...

My Response:
Settled back in? This is your home. Come on now...

Her Response:
You didn't call me at work to talk about this?

My Response:
No, I actually called to asked if you thought a pizza night was okay, but I thought about the No Contact Letter while I was calling.

Her Response:
Pizza sounds great.


End of Convo..

Anyway, so I'm sitting here thinking how do I approach this? Things have been going well, but I don't want any false recoveries and I'm beginning to be apprehensive. How should I handle this?

I don't want to create any tension, but this needs to be done. I never would've agreed for her to return if she hadn't agreed to writing the No Contact Letter. So have I been hood winked, bamboozeled or run a muck or am I just overly paranoid?

Any comments, suggestions, 2X4's, jokes or hints are greatly appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You can tell her that the NC letter is an essential part of rebuilding the marriage. Might as find out sooner than later how committed she is.

YUP!
I can't make her write it, but she agreed to it initially or I wouldn't have listened to anything she had to say. Actually when she came back last week and started talking, I politely interrupted and her and said..unless you agree to no contact, a no contact letter, counseling and being committed...I'm sorry, but there's not much to talk about.

I stuck to my guns

and she replied with...if I wasn't ready to do that I never would've came here.

She was very convincing, we talked for hours, didn't sleep together afterwards etc... This was serious business and I tried not to let any of my emotions interfere with my objectives.

If she starts fence sitting she's gonna have to pack up her bags, it'll be hard to do, but I can do it, especially now that I've been going thru the whole hey...you don't seem very sorry about what you've done, sort of like I should feel lucky you came home, typical BS thingy... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I hope you understood that last part.

I'm no doormat and I can no longer Plan A.
I'll drop right back into Plan B until she drafts the letter.

Me no kidding <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

EDIT)
She's cute, She's my W, but she aint too cute to be told to hit the road Jackie!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Question/Issue:
Its been a week and I haven't seen the No Contact Letter so I called her at work and asked..."hey where's my No Contact Letter to OM?"

Her Response:
I don't want to give you a date because you will hold me to it... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hold her to what? No contact?? Is she still in contact??

A letter should have been sent BEFORE she returned to the house...right?

If not before...immediately upon returning...not with some preconceived time notion.

At least...that's what I think...I think.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by committedandlovingit:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Question/Issue:
Its been a week and I haven't seen the No Contact Letter so I called her at work and asked..."hey where's my No Contact Letter to OM?"

Her Response:
I don't want to give you a date because you will hold me to it... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hold her to what? No contact?? Is she still in contact??

A letter should have been sent BEFORE she returned to the house...right?

If not before...immediately upon returning...not with some preconceived time notion.

At least...that's what I think...I think.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

committed </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YUP!
EDIT) I think she meant when I expect her to write it! I have no IDEA what she thinks? I can only hope she doesn't think she can let this drag out. OH NO!!!!
She might actually think this is a game... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I never gave her timeframe. I said this needs to be done. I should have said write it right NOW! I guess? I'm not sure, but I should've. We'll see if I was an idiot or not. I should've had her write it that night...darn it!

Okay TONIGHT is due date. I think she knows that though. I hope she doesnt think she's just going to stroll in and somehow pretend she's forgotten about our conversation or our agreement.

I'm almost positive theres been NO contact, BUT I need the letter anyway. Call me a stickler, anal or whatever, but I need that letter.

You guys will be the first to know if she tries to fence sit. There hasn't been any arguing, outbursts or LB's all week and I aim to keep it that way. I will be nice, calm and direct.

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Hi FM - definately tell her the NC is a must I would also give her your bottom line...which I am assuming no contact with OM or any relationship with another man. I think the NC letter is an important steo to recovery

I am a fww - my husband agreed to work on our marriage after my A was exposed - his bottom line was no contact with OM and I know if I cross that line we are through, no doubt in my mind

It is not fair what your wife is doing, if she really wants to make the marriage work she will do this - Sandy

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sl000:
<strong> Hi FM - definately tell her the NC is a must I would also give her your bottom line...which I am assuming no contact with OM or any relationship with another man. I think the NC letter is an important steo to recovery

I am a fww - my husband agreed to work on our marriage after my A was exposed - his bottom line was no contact with OM and I know if I cross that line we are through, no doubt in my mind

It is not fair what your wife is doing, if she really wants to make the marriage work she will do this - Sandy </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Sandy!

I needed to hear that, because that's exactly how I feel at this point. I was hoping not to derail us, but if she's fence sitting, procrastinating or anything similar then we AREN'T on any RAILS to begin with.

TOOT TOOT..

Get on board lady or catch a cab <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm serious when I say this is a deal breaker with me and I hope she understands a few good days doesn't change anything as far as the conditions of our reconciliation. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT.

Find out how selfish she still is.
Gently talk to her about how not writing the letter is hurting you. See what happens.

Family Matters,

First, I would like to let you know how much I admire your committment to your wife and your family. You have hung in there when most would have walked away.

There is no recovery if there is contact. Any type of contact, whether it be physical, phone or e-mail. Your wife doesn't need time to settle in, she needs to commit to you. Committment means no contact, it means she choses you. It does not mean, "I will live with you as your wife but keep my options open." But then you already know that, don't you?

My best advice for you is to look up posts by 2 of a Kind (2oak). NC was his favorite topic. I can tell you that he was a huge help to me when I came here. I know others that he helped immensely too. If you have the time, it might help.

Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cathy

Welp She's fence sitting...

This will not be a good night...
and now I'm upset.

I left the room before it got ugly.

I have been suckered.

FOG HEADS NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE!

Did U have the pizza already? If not stick a piece of paper under her slice of pizza written in black ink..... 'where is the NC letter?' That should add some flavor to the pizza.

See she has a WS way of skirting the issues, not acceptable once she moves back home.

Think about it.
Gotta be on your toes, FM.

L.

FM

Sucker her back.

She was a sucker to move back thinking she would not actually have to follow thru with the NC letter!

Stand steadfast. Don't be intimidated!

This is totally ridiculous.
Okay so I have to go all the way from the beginning explaining why its important.

She's only here because she lied.
Period.
Now, I'm stuck with a foghead who I don't respect very much right now. Things change very quickly, back to the rollercoaster. She's being very selfish, and she's leading me to doubt alot of things right now. HMMM. This is not good.

I will not backdown, but I'm not going to talk about until I'm blue in the face. She has to want to write it for me, not be forced. If she won't leave I'll just do my best to avoid her until she does write it. I'm getting tired people, really tired. I'm running out of gas...I feel the vehicle beginning to hesistate. Somebody get me a gas can, better yet an oxygen mask and some infra-red goggles...there's too much fog in here, I can't see a thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I'm not upset anymore, just numb. Yes, NUMB is a good word for it. I hope she gets impaled by the fence she's sitting on, or at least ends up with splinters in her %#^%#

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH

What has happened?

FM...I really don't know what to say.It was certainly a thought that she'd do this, but I guess we all got so darn optimistic for you.

I'm hoping at this time, right now, you are stting down with her writing that dang letter.

Next time ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) order a pie with a side order of NC, with some NC cola and put in a tape of the tarheels taking their can of whoop a$$ out on the terps.

If that doesn't work, show her the door: no NC letter = no committment = no charity.

I hope in the end this will all work out for you. You have a lot of pepole pulling for you.

<small>[ September 11, 2004, 02:06 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

FM, the NC:Lletter is an issure for us too, and I completely understand your focus on it. Th ereason its a big deal for a small act is what it represents: it is an ICON of an openly demonstrated desire to dump the OP and work on the M. Its is ALSO the first properly big gesture towards the BS's "taker" that the love, plan A and choking down was worth enough to make WS incur a little discomfort and it also is a list of stuff teh WS is promising to do ( extraordinary measures) which will mean WS's life will not be as free and comfortable as it was pre-A. In fact she will have to consider before doing ANYTHING if it could possibly lead to contact she must change plan.

So in all, NC L is a big deal and thats why WS are so reticent to sign 'em IMO.

GOOD NEWS is that your( and my WW) quite obviously know the seriousness of the NC-L and are struggling with committing to it. Thats gotta be better than having them sign any old thing then contact OP behind out backs.

You may have seen that my WW and Ihave taken great strides towards ending teh A, even reconciliation this past week, BUT without an NC L I am also going to review plan A with a view to lan B at the end of September.
I am choking on the disrespect of having affair triggers all over the houe AND at the selfishness of behaviour which knowingly hurts me by risking contact because she says loves her hobby ( and she wants to "see him again as a friend, and doesn't understand my problem with that" FOG ! FOG ! AROOOOOOGA ! FOG ALERT !)

My WW is only 2 weesk into OM-led withdrawal by my calculation so I must be patient. Perhaps she will commit as she de-fogs, I dunno.

I have said and will repeat to my WW that although she is living in my house she has not yet lifted a single FINGER to recommit to our M, despite good talks etc. As my Mom used to say " what you care is what you DO". Talk is cheap.

I have explained to her that I wait for a time when she can commit to an NCL and then I will happily mobilize all my resources to work with her on rebuilding our M. Without the commitment, I cannot waste that energy and I must consider whether that is better expended rebuilding me and the kids a life without WW.

I gave no deadline, and it was no threat. WW was tearfully clear that I WANT her to recommit to me but I do not NEED her to any longer, and I will sadly redirect my energy into a happy life WITHOUT her if that is what she desires. I cannot and will not force her to love me and stay married to me.

I will notadvise you FM, you are miles further dpown this path than I am.
just know that I think ist GOOD that your WW knows the significance of the NCL and thats why she's struggling to sign it.

be strong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TTSi:
<strong> What has happened? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She started fence sitting, asking WHY did she have to write the letter. It was a barrage of take my word for its. excuses and crappy fog-ridden justifications why she shouldn't have to write it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LINY:
<strong> FM...I really don't know what to say.It was certainly a thought that she'd do this, but I guess we all got so darn optimistic for you.

I'm hoping at this time, right now, you are stting down with her writing that dang letter.

Next time ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) order a pie with a side order of NC, with some NC cola and put in a tape of the tarheels taking their can of whoop a$$ out on the terps.

If that doesn't work, show her the door: no NC letter = no committment = no charity.

I hope in the end this will all work out for you. You have a lot of pepole pulling for you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was optimistic as well, I guess that's why she wouldn't post, She's still a foghead...just a CONFLICTED foghead, which I think is a part alien/part SPOUSE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She won't leave, I can't force her to leave and of course the kids are noticing things aren't right...I'm the bad guy, isn't this great!

Thanks LINY, does this crap ever end????

GEESHHH!!

<small>[ September 11, 2004, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> FM, the NC:Lletter is an issure for us too, and I completely understand your focus on it. Th ereason its a big deal for a small act is what it represents: it is an ICON of an openly demonstrated desire to dump the OP and work on the M.

just know that I think ist GOOD that your WW knows the significance of the NCL and thats why she's struggling to sign it.

be strong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Bob! You're absolutely right that the NC L is the clearest gesture of her committment. I cannot make her committ, that's something she must do on her own. Her refusal to write it shows her reluctance to discharge OM from our life. I do see your point that at least she's taking the NC L seriously, but this does not support a happy environment. Now I have to regather myself and mentally deal with the issues of CONTACT all over again. Lets face it. ff she has truly ousted OM out of her life, the NC L would just be no big deal. I'm now questioning so many things and wondering if she's ever ended contact. What a predicament!

Okay,
I'm trying to make some correct moves at this point. I don't feel bringing up the No Contact Letter again will help. I've spoken what my needs were, explained my concerns and reasons for my concerns. I don't see what else I can do. If she chooses to leave a door open out there it will hinder my trust for her and impede our future progress.

How do I proceed at this point. She won't leave because she feels not having contact is enough and I guessing my needs for the letter doesn't really mean much to her. I'm going to proceed on with life, but there will be no future plans made until this issue is resolved. If anyone has links/advice on the No Contact Letter please drop them. I'm at a loss for how I should handle this. I do not want to create tension in the home, my kids have been through enough already. Please dont misunderstand me, I'm well aware this is her responsiblity and she is the creator of this tension, but I do not want to perpetuate it and create a negative environment. Part of me wants nothing whatsoever to do with her until she writes the No Contact Letter, but we are living in the same house.

Just think, I was in Plan B and she was forced to no longer fence sit, now she's back and has no real motivation to draft the letter! Hindsight is always so clear. I wish there was a time machine. BLAH!

<small>[ September 11, 2004, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>