I'm afraid I'm there.

Today is the 3 year anniversary of D-Day and I have made it through real well. I didn't remind H as he is pretty much non-supportive in any of this trigger/memory crap lately.

However, due to a stressful situation and his time and attention very much needed, I have had an a$$ chewing that was very unfair and out of line.

I have a daughter on her way home from college and she calls having car trouble. We thought we had this fixed before she left but apparently it's not fixed. She is on the phone with me, the other kids dad, and I am on the phone with the other kids dad too. This is ongoing for 2 hours.

About the time this all gets busy, so does our business. I was trying to clue in H what was happening as people were waiting on me for answers. When it was all over he got so mad at me and was yelling and telling me how I was making him so mad and went on and on about how it was my fault because he wanted to trade the car off and I said this and that and wouldn't let him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He mentioned a car but never said anything serious about trading???? And he was mad as heck. He was saying things I had said and I hadn't said them! It was crazy.

And you know what? I am hurt but not too bad. It's not like a big surprise. He's starting to throw lots of fits again. Acts like such an idiot. I guess it would hurt more if it was true, but most of it isn't.

I told him I was sorry if I was nagging him (ya should have seen him describing how I was nagging him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> it was comical) but I just needed his help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I had been dealing with it for hours while he slept a little and worked and I was working and dealing with the car thing and he blows up because I want him to deal with the car too? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> How dare I? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I can't stand to be around it anymore. I feel like I need to get a divorce before I find someone who will be nice to me. That's all I want..is for him to be nice to me. Even if I do something wrong he could still be respectful.

I'm vulnerable and I'm scared. He'd better shape up. I can see how exit affairs happen.

Oh, tell him to stop babbling and he must be confusing you with someone else that he told about the car. Tell him to make sure he is talking to the 'right person'.

I did that to my WS since he was also getting angry at me for stuff I either never heard of or never did because he never told me. I asked him if he was having conversations with me in his brain and why wasn't he talking to me in person? I mean really, I told him I wasn't into ESP (though as a mom, I am quite good at it). LOL!!!

It worked, after a few times he began to doubt his sanity.....there ya go..... I now had a way into the WS brain....through that hole on the left side of his head which controls the right side of his body - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

I was too stunned to even think of a clever reply. And at times when I have babbled back he goes in to a rage. It seems better to just let him have his little fit than to participate in it at any level.

This morning he aplologized for blowing up at me. I told him thanks for the apology. Then he said he thought I should apologize too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I said I did last night. (for what? needing his help?) Dork.

Ya know, on the other thread we talked a bit about plan B. I read a few of the sample letters for that and I can't do that. When I read the letters and the part that says I really love you and in order to preserve what love I have left etc.....it's not true. There is nothing left. No lie-NOTHING. I feel no good feelings toward him, I have absolutely no respect left and no desire to get any. I'm drained, done, empty.

Today I am planning my new place. We have a little rental next door that is empty. I want it to get my sanity back. To think about everything. H and the 2 boys can stay over at the house and have a macho-fest for awhile.

We talked about getting a different car for our daughter and about selling my minivan. I don't want it anymore. (Can't help but think of Niosgirl here-getting hubby's truck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I'm gonna let some of these things play out while I work on "the move" in my head. It's like my happy place. I think about moving out and I feel good-like I am doing something for me and my sanity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There is nothing left. No lie-NOTHING. I feel no good feelings toward him, I have absolutely no respect left and no desire to get any. I'm drained, done, empty. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he know this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does he know this?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not as bluntly as that. We have each expressed that we have gained nothing and that we are in the same place without progress as three years ago (time of A) and even before. We make a little progress in the winter but summer we are back to the old behavior and come out feeling a little less hopeful.

My options are opening up as the rental is available and kids are flying the coop-one just left for college and another goes next year, then one more in 3 years and they're all gone.

So...why aren't you being honest with your husband?

Number one-are you sure he didn't rekindle the affair or start a new one. When they start acting like your H you've got to wonder and Number two-has he met any of your needs in the past three years?

I think what happens is that we BS go crazy meeting thier every need (even when you are out of plan a it kinds of sticks with you if you have a type A personality) and that you do get drained when none of your needs are met. Top that off with a bunch of LBs and your love bank goes empty.

I hope this is just one bad day and that you are here to vent. If this is getting to be a pattern with him I am sorry.

I would worry about a repeat offender here. Those LBs are waaay out of line. Hope you have a better day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So...why aren't you being honest with your husband?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plain and simple: Fear

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Number one-are you sure he didn't rekindle the affair or start a new one </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably didn't rekindle but not sure of a new one. I have another thread under GQ about a week ago-see that for my concern and his disregard for the promise he made (with SH's help) and broke and my thoughts on that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Number two-has he met any of your needs in the past three years?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. He's made a few stabs at it but very inconsistent-like helping with the dishes. He does great for awhile..then it seems to be his choice, he might, he might not. Then when summer comes he doesn't help me with anything! Nothing. Zip. Not kids (teenagers), house, yard, nothing domestic at all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would worry about a repeat offender here</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Meaning repeat A's? This was #3. And since "the behavior" is the same as it's always been I can't find much comfort in little tiny changes.
I feel like I need him to be the one that initiates the changes for himself and the marriage-not me initiating and doing all the ground work for counseling etc. I need to see him make a move, not just follow if or when he feels like it. I need consistent. Follow thru.

Thanks for taking time to "talk" to me! I really need to figure this out. It's not a one day thing-it's my life and I am starting to see that I may have been seeing it more clearly all along but been talked out of my feelings. Went ahead and took the blame so as not to cause conflict. Didn't want to be all alone with kids to raise. Now they are growing up and I ain't so scared.

You may be getting to the stage in life when you are looking around and saying what about me?

It would be nice if guys helped more, but have you read Dr Laura's The Proper care and feeding of Husbands. I think she has it right-all those years of evolution. Anyway-JMHO. I guess one thing that might help is thinking about where you see yourself in 10 years. Kind of a plan. You could stay married and just move ahead in the hope that he'll figure it out, but when the kids get older they will marry and hopefully you'll be a Grandma. It would be nice to have you and you H together. Doing things for yourself may be a wakeup call for your H. Independence is very sexy. Only you know what you can put up with. I am the daughter of a serial cheater and a BS so I feel your pain. By the way-my parents are still together and it is wonderful for my kids, but it took my M 30 years to start to become independent. When she started to do her own thing my father chased after her-seems he knew he had a good thing. So take a class-art whatever you like, set up your own space for get aways-if you want to work get a job you like or maybe change jobs. If he has no interest in a future together you have to do what you need to. You are at a stage of when the nest starts to empty, so filling it with things you like to do may be helpful and might shake up your H. You might want to plan a getaway with him-if he doesn't want to go-go alone and think. Only you know what you can take. I pray he'll meet your needs.

Thanks NJ,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You could stay married and just move ahead in the hope that he'll figure it out, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess this is what has been happening all these years. I just hoped he would become interested. I don't see much change. I laid awake half the night for one reason or another (have you ever heard a racoon eat cat food at 2 am on your back porch? Noisy!!) and figured that the way things are going and the way I feel, A 3# was the straw that broke the camels back. I stayed hoping/thinking he was changing but as soon as the stress of our seasonal business hits and we get busy he is a different animal. The angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements all summer long. He does it to me mostly, but he has outburts at employess and even a few customers! This is still something I [censored] foot around and I don't like it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Doing things for yourself may be a wakeup call for your H. Independence is very sexy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So take a class-art whatever you like, set up your own space for get aways-if you want to work get a job you like or maybe change jobs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I actually signed up for 2 classes on friday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> First time ever. Gonna exercise and one is a business related class but interesting

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> if you want to work get a job you like or maybe change jobs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have thought about that...just getting a job during the winter..we'll see how that goes. I may like getting out again with these classes and all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If he has no interest in a future together you have to do what you need to</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if he is interested in a future or not. I think he is if I change. Like if I will just trust him and quit talking I think. He gets so grumpy lately when I talk to him. Just yells and gets mad. Ignores me. And, he will tell me something but only very minimal info. and let me ask questions and then get short with me. The other day he told me "my mom fell and couldn't get up"...silence...I started asking questions..slowly so as not to bombard him..."how did she get up, how long did it take for help to arrive, could she reach the phone or did she have to wait for someone to show up?". I know he does this intentionally and then gets very impatient with me because I have to know everything. Now, mind you, his mom is very frail, stays alone all week while his dad works out of town and she is very ill. Spends months per year in the hospital. So falling is a major concern. But, I can't ask without him getting impatient. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Only you know what you can take </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, and that is where I'm at. It ain't changing, and I don't like the way I'm being treated. And, I ain't willing to do all the work to get him to the doctor (SH) either. I ain't that interested anymore. Why do I want to stay with someone who cheats, won't take responsibliity (by being the one I can lean on EVERYTIME instead of the one I fear-who actually puts me down for still being insecure about infidelity) and further degrades and humiliates me? That's where I'm at.

Thanks for your input! I appreciate it.