I have been doing some soul searching.

In parenting it is not helpful or wise to spoil a child by doing everything for them. They have to experience consequences for their behavior.

This I have not done with WH.

I have not told him how I feel about the way he had treated me.
I have let him treat me badly, and go on thinking that I want him .

He thinks that I am pineing for him to come back, but I am not.

I don't want to go back to whatever it was we had.

I think it is time I told him that.


He has made choices that have hurt me and our D, but I have protected him in a sense. I have not lb'ed once in the past year.

I am with Graycloud today. I feel like telling my H how I feel , what it has felt like this past year- what his actions, his choices have done.

He has chosen to leave, chosen to cheat and lie, chosen to neglect his child, he chose to not call, chose not to see us, chose not to help with money etc...

His choices.

I feel like he has forfeited his rights as a husband and father. that I am not obligated to be bound to him.

I have chosen to love him in spite of his behavior, but he has seen it is manipulative- an attempt to 'get him back'.

Mayve its time to give him a taste of not being able to be with us....


I want to say so many things.

I want him to know how it feels to hear that "(person) is just a 'really, really good friend, and we f***."

I want him to know how it feels to be in my shoes.

I want him to know how degrading and repulsive it is to be intimate with him , not knowing if he was with her a few hours earlier.

He is on is way here right now.

He just pulled into the yard.

I think I will just go to bed.

Shul, I'm with you today, too.

I didn't get a chance to say everything I wanted to today, but I did say, "Your actions have made me feel betrayed, abandoned, and rejected. You have taken away the thing that mattered most to me in this world with no explanation, and left me alone to grieve with no resolution." Well, I didn't put it that well. But I did okay.

It has frustrated me to see you caught up in every whim of your WH, to see you repeatedly hopeful and disappointed. You've shown him so much love, and he interprets it as manipulation? We should all be lucky enough to be manipulated this way.

I think you should do a real plan B. A tough, serious, strict plan B. I have waited for months to see you do this. You have shown him what he needs to see. A real decision needs to be placed in his hands.

Shul, you have to finally reject his chaos and bring peace to your life. This is a loving thing for you to do.

I write this as I sit here looking at the Marital Termination Agreement my WW has proposed. It breaks my heart to look at it. It's a dreadful, nasty heap of paper that my wife has had delivered to me. But I told her today that I love her. And tomorrow I'll be kind to her and give her a gift. So who am I to lecture you?

I've had so few opportunities to show my WW that I love her, to show her kindness, admiration, generosity, compassion. I'm greedy for more. But soon there will come a time when I won't do it any more. I'll have to give up. I doubt very much that it will stop the divorce.

I don't know what I'm getting at. Your H has problems that are too serious for you to solve. He lacks a compass. I think you need to cut him loose and see if he comes home. If he doesn't address his problems, he is no good to you, his daughter, or himself.

You know all this, I realize. And only you truly know the whole story. But you have shown him all the good in you, and he continues the same behavior. You need to change something.

GC

Shul - I don't think Plan A is all about being nice and not saying what you feel. It is about removing hurtful and disrespectful judgements from your interaction with the WS. If you need to tell your WH how you feel, then go ahead and do it. Just be honest in your feelings and thoughts and do it from the perspective of how you feel, not judging his actions. For examply, instead of saying "You're affair was morally wrong" you would say "You're affair hurt me deeper then I ever knew possible."

Yes I am in plan B now.

I will write the letter and give it to him when he comes here next.

He didi come here last night.

He had been drinking, and no sleep the night before - a bad combination.

We had an arguement.

I asked him to leave .

He beat me up and left.

I am in plan B.

I am getting my things from the house, and he can do as he likes with it.

I am giving him his freedom.

Shul - You need to call the police and press charges and get a protective order. No one has the right to hit you and treat you like that. You deserve better then that.

Shul
Please get a PFA (Protection from abuse order). They are not hard to get and it will force your H to leave the house. Why should you give up your home?? It will keep him out of the house and away from you. If he breaks it, he will be put in jail. NO man has the right to treat you that way. Then go to Plan B and take some time to think if you really want him. Has he did this before?

Shul, no no no no no. File charges against him immediately. Don't you dare allow him to hurt you again!

And don't give up your home unless you already wanted to. Let him suffer the consequences.

This is too much. You have to draw a boundary between him and you now. There is no other way. Show your daughter strength now. Show her what is and is not acceptable for a woman to tolerate.

I'm so sorry, so sad to hear this. But please do the right thing...

Gray

Bump - Shul needs us....

Shul

Where are you today? Are you OK? Did you call the cops?

What about looking up women's shelters in your area? Are you afraid he will hit you more if you stay? Maybe you do need to disappear...but please please please do something!

((((((((shul))))))))

Sorry. I didn't mean to worry you.

I am okay.

He started to push me around a bit, and grabbed my hair, but nothing is broken or bruised.

He left of his own accord.

This is one of the reasons why we don't live together. I am protected, here. And it is up to me whether I allow him to come here.

Unfortunately, I didn't know that he had been drinking the other night.

I am trained in crisis intervention, so it didnt' go far.

I saw him briefly the next day, and he was angry and disgusted with himself.

I know, by the way, that I don't really belong here on marriage builders.

Our problems are much more complicated than the usual.

He is emotionally ill. ( ASP) But there are no resources for this kind of thing, and coming here I don't feel so alone.

The adultery is the least of our problems, as I have said. It is just another symptom.

I won't take any risks or expose my D to his chaos. We are out of harms way.

My version of plan B is to be still and loving if he approaches me, but not to pursue him.


Things are going very badly for him these days, and I think he is very near the end of himself.

There is something they call a 'pre-contemplative ' stage, in recovery from his disorder, where the person begins (usually around age 40) to reflect on their life and common sense tells them that they are making a mess of things.

He is in this stage, has been for a few months.

It is the time when they are most likely to be willing to get help, or make changes.

As a believer, I liken this to repentance. The prodigal son 'coming to himself'.

I know that it is only a matter of time.

I am safe in the meantime. I am exhausted from working. The summer was our busiest time, but things will slow down now.

I have decided to take some time off this week. I have hired help to look after things here.

I will go and stay at the house where it is peaceful, during the day, and try to rest.

Daughter is back in school so I have some time to myself now.

I have no back up, family wise, which makes it hard. There is no one whom I can call on to take my daughter for a few hours, or just to share the burden.


Mostly I am exhausted from mourning for my husband.

As for the house, I am not going to worry about it anymore.

It isn't going anywhere.

I am sorry to have worried you.

Shul

Shul,

Thank you for letting us know. I don't post to you very often, but do think of you. I especially remember your "porch" post. It is still one of my all time favorite MB threads, even though it seems to have gone by the wayside for now.

You do what you think is best for you and DD, but do post more. You disappear quite a bit from posting and I think you could really use the constant support you can get here, especially since you have no family around.

Weaver