As I read some of the most recent posts, I see a lot of BS make demands of their WS. This might be contributing to the defensive attitudes the WS are displaying. No one like to be told what to do or controlled. Even Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement comes into play here. If the WS doesn't agree, then the POJA is not being met.

As I progress with my IC sessions, it is very important to express how things make you feel. Like I have seen posted here before, use "I" a lot and "When you ... It makes me feel like ...".

If you continue to use this approach your WS will respect that you are not try to control.

Other's thoughts?

Just_Friends_NOT

It might help if you were being more specific.

As far as NO CONTACT, that's a deal breaker. IMHO, You must put a line in the sand on major issues of this nature. If you're referring to issues such as choosing a MC or an IC, medications, Entertainment, Finanaces etc....I would agree in POJA. I will not POJA regarding my W writing the NO CONTACT LETTER, its a requirement for me to feel safe enough to be married to her. Most other things are negoitable.

But the nature of the WS is to be very selfish when it comes to detaching from OP. For instance I used all those "It makes me feels...." "When you do this it I feel this..." The fog induces alot of selfishness and rationalizing, and lets just be honest, a WS who will not send a No Contact Letter or agree to No Contact isn't in any place emotionally to POJA. They still haven't committed to your M or its recovery, at least not fully.

EDITED) for detail

<small>[ September 11, 2004, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Harley makes it clear that No Contact is one issue where the POJA does not apply. Writing the No Contact letter is. It should be something the BS and the WS can agree to. But contact mus t cease for recovery ot occur. Period. It is a boundary issue.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong> Harley makes it clear that No Contact is one issue where the POJA does not apply. Writing the No Contact letter is. It should be something the BS and the WS can agree to. But contact mus t cease for recovery ot occur. Period. It is a boundary issue. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand the no contact and I hope we've accomplished that, but a WS's reluctance to put it in writing does bring up questions of their TRUE intent to live by the current no contact rule. The no contact rule is perpetual for the life of our M which hopefully is our lives together which hopefully is LIFE LONG...so a WS's refusal to write a no contact letter impacts the BS's ability to trust that No Contact has honestly been established and that the WS has made a 1000% committal to the M and its recovery.

In my sitch I wonder if POJA would matter, POJA implies someone being logical, rational and approaching marital issues with a clear head willing to negoitiate, fogged S's do not have clear heads or rational reasonings regarding OP.

Just my thoughts as I scrounge for some JAVA.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />